Alrighty, looks like you have decided to tune in to the second part of my fic, and yes, it did grow a plot last night....scary to think that I Shinagami could write something with a plot. But in other world news.....

I don’t own that Neon Genesis Evangelion thing everyone’s making a fuss over......

The Surest Way To Get What You Want Is To Steal It

Chapter two: Return of the Ikari

Shinji dreaded what was beyond the door to his apartment, not that he didn’t like his home....it was just that there was more than likely a fuming drunken Nerv Major inside with a loaded six pack, and an equally loaded .45.

“What are you waiting for? Open the door!” He heard his roommate yell from down the hall.

Shinji reflexively took a step back. “Why do I have to open it?” He asked.

“Cause she likes you more!” Came the reply. Shinji didn’t buy it, Asuka was something Shinji had never seen her be before.....afraid.

“Asuka’s a chicken, Asuka’s a chicken!” Shinji chanted and made squawking noises. “Afraid of Misato are you? Well don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll go easy on-” A white shoe implanted itself in Shinji’s face.

“Mien Gott! You’re so immature you make the other stooges look normal, if that’s even possible. You’re hopeless! No wonder Misato takes pity on you all the time!” Asuka retrieved her shoe and put it back on.

“Well if you were a bit nicer maybe she’d like you at all!” Shinji’s reply came muffled from under his hand, trying to cover the red mark on his face.

“HA! Misato likes me plenty, she just knows that I am way more mature than you’ll ever be, so she leaves me be.”

“What does Misato do?” Both Children looked up to see their guardian and commanding officer standing over them, Yebisu in one hand and the other hand tracing over her holster.

“Um.....it was Shinji’s fault....he...”

“Asuka made me...I didn’t want to...”

“I did not! You came willingly!”

“You said you’d tell Misato about me having wet dreams-...oops...” Shinji shut his mouth the instant he heard those precious words escape his mouth. Asuka smirked at him and leaned against the wall.

“Well now you have nothing to hide.” She put her hands behind her head and walked into the apartment. Misato was frozen in her original position, A huge grin replacing the angry expression.

“So....is it true Shinji? Are you really growing up?” Misato barely contained her laughter.

Shinji decided that it would be best to blush furiously and try to blend in with the wall behind him.

“Oh, it is Misato.....I can attest to that.” Came a mocking voice that undoubtedly came from Shinji’s German roommate.

“Really? How so?” Much to Shinji’s relief Misato’s attention was turned to Asuka, who was now clad in her usual casual attire. “How do you know so much about Shinji’s rate of maturing?”

Asuka’s eyes widened in surprise and betrayal. “I...I....He......I couldn’t help but.....when he.....” Asuka reverted to her number one defense.....get angry and make a lot of noise. “Pervert idiot forced himself on me when I woke him up the other day, it was horrible! There was goo everywhere!”

Shinji, who was just entering the apartment, choked and tried to deny the accusations. “I did not! W-w-what would I do that for? How could you think that-”

“And then that pervert smeared it all over the walls and I couldn’t get away! That idiot! What a complete pervert!-”

“I woke up and my covers fell off the bed, and she saw through the sheets, I didn’t TRY to do anything-”

Misato stood back and watched the two sides tell the story with extreme amusement. “Alright, alright. That’s enough, Asuka. Shinji...try to keep your hormones inside your pants.” This made Shinji blush again and mumble something about it being normal for kids his age and compelling Asuka to say that it didn’t happen to her, causing Shinji to point out that she wasn’t a boy and wouldn’t know what it’s like.

“Now you two have some explaining to do.” Misato said, reverting back to the ‘you’re in trouble’ mode.

“It’s simple, Misato. We decided that Tokyo-3 needed Eva Pilot Day.” Asuka said proudly.

Shinji, who couldn’t recall having the afore mentioned conversation, just stayed quiet and hoped Asuka knew what she was doing.

“Eva Pilot Day?” Misato asked. “And why does Tokyo-3 need this holiday?”

Asuka wasn’t fazed. “Because without us there’d be no Tokyo-3.”

Shinji left the room and headed to the bath. The warm water always seemed to relax him.

“Ahh....that’s nice.” Shinji sighed as he slide into the water.

“It is nice, is it not?” Two red eyes were awaiting Shinji’s field of vision as he opened his eyes. Young Ikari accessed the situation. Naked Rei in front of him. Naked him in a close proximity of naked Rei in front of him. Bad.

“AHHHHHH!! Rei! What are you doing?!” Shinji stood up quickly to escape the wrath of a confused Rei.

Rei continued to be confused. “I am obviously bathing, Ikari. Is there something out of the ordinary with my presence in this bathing area?”

“W....w.....I.....Rei!” Was all Shinji managed before the door flew open and Asuka stomped in, an annoyed look on her face. She was about to yell at Shinji to keep it down when she realized where she was and who was in front of her.

“Eeeeeewwwwww! Shinji, I don’t need to see that!” Asuka clenched her eyes shut and waved her hand in front of her, as if to shoo away the nude Shinji. “And what is Wonderslut doing here?!”

“I am bathing.” Rei said. She stood up and presented the back scrubber and bar of soap she was using to prove her activities.

“ARG! Rei!” Shinji yelled as he whirled around in a feeble attempt not to look at Rei.

“Shinji! I told you I didn’t need to see that!” Asuka wailed again.

Shinji, without option, ran from the scene into the living room. Misato was halfway through chugging her newest can of alcoholic pleasure when the nudist Ikari streaked from the bath into the living room and then to the kitchen, dripping water over the floor.

“Shinji, PenPen isn’t going to hurt you, I thought I told you that.” She said.

Shinji stuck his head out from the corner. “Not.....huff huff.....PenPen...A...Huff-suka and...huff....R....huff...ei.”

True to his words Misato heard Asuka yelling something obscene at what was probably Rei.

“Misato! What is the matter with you?!” Asuka demanded when she emerged from the bath. “Letting that doll in here!”

“Well, Asuka. I had no idea she was even here.” Misato said calmly while attempting to finish Her beer. Bad combination. She snorted most of it up her nose and choked. After she cleaned up the mess with a napkin she noticed Asuka was yelling something.

“...and what do you mean you didn‘t know she was here? How could you MISS her?” Asuka was on a rampage. “I mean, I know she doesn’t make much of an impression, but-”

“Um....Asuka?” Misato asked. “How did you get the bruise?”

Asuka stopped yelling. “Well.....I....”

It was then that Rei exited the bath, still nude as ever, but considerably cleaner and drier. Her right fist was red.

“I struck Soryou when she attempted to force me out of the bathing area.” She stated.

Shinji returned from the kitchen wearing an apron conveniently covering the modest areas. “Rei!” He hissed. “Put some clothes on!”

“ I am unable, Ikari. All of my clothes were knocked into the bath in the ensuing struggle of Soryou and I.” She blushed a bit. “I am in need of garments.”

“Well, don’t worry Rei. I can loan you some.” Every head turned to the speaker of the voice- Asuka.

“Why is everyone looking at me?” She said when she noticed that everyone, including Rei, was literally staring slack jawed.

“Asuka? Are you alright?” Shinji walked up to Asuka and felt her forehead. She in turn whacked him upsides the head.

“Of course I am, I just think what WonderGirl’s problem is that she doesn’t get much exposure of the outside world.”

“She seems pretty exposed to me.” Shinji muttered as he backed his way into his room with his eyes closed.

“BAKA-HENTAI!” Asuka yelled and waved her fist threateningly at Shinji’s now closed door.

Misato opened a fresh can of beer. “First things first. Rei, how in the hell did you get in here?”

“The keys were still in the door when I arrived.” Rei explained. “Since my plumbing was disabled after a gunfight in the apartment over I decided Ikari and your apartment would be best suited for my hygienic needs.”

Misato nodded and made a mental note to buy Rei a small handgun and a taser. “Right. Now secondly, I want to know how you evaded Section 2 personnel.”

Asuka smiled. “Secret German evasive action technique.”

Misato narrowed her eyes.

“We took a train, providing us an opportunity to outrun the Section 2 escort vehicles.” Rei said, scratching her still wet shoulder.

“Oh.” Was all Misato had to say. //Gotta quit renting security guards.// She thought.

Asuka grabbed Rei’s wrist and pulled her into her room. “C’mon WonderGirl, you and I need to have a long talk.”

“About what?” Rei asked as she disappeared inside the demon’s lair. Misato yawned and headed off to bed thinking about what kind of crazy things Asuka would be teaching to Rei.

******

Shinji slowly opened his eyes, slowly because an intensely bright light was burning out his retinas.

“Now watch carefully Rei.” He heard someone say before the light grew brighter.

The hapless Ikari waved his hands futilely above him in an effort to drive away the disturbance of sleep.

“I do not see the point of this exercise.” Rei said. She turned off the flashlight in her hand.

Asuka sighed and smacked Shinji awake. “It’s to teach Baka-boy here to get up when his alarm goes off.”

“Understood.”

Shinji sat up suddenly. “Rei? Why are you still here?”

“Pilot Soryou explained it would be best if I learned to ‘fit in’ and in order to ‘fit in’ I must behave like her.” Rei said.

“Asuka.....” Shinji warned. “Why are you doing this, I thought you hated Ayanami.”

Asuka smiled broadly and tossed her flashlight onto the floor. “I could use all the allies I can get, and Wonderfreak needs a little.....adjustment to be useful.”

Shinji shook his head, did he just hear Asuka say she needed someone.....that someone being Rei of all people? No, Asuka had an alterative motive. But what could it be? Not important, that girl could be so confusing at times. Right now getting ready for school was important.

“Man....I feel like I didn’t sleep at all.” Shinji commented as he made everyone’s breakfast.

He finished in time to see Rei walk in from Asuka’s room outfitted in her school uniform and....white socks!

//Well that doesn’t seem too bad.// Shinji thought as he set down Ayanami’s plate.

“Ikari,” Rei said as she looked at her meal. “I do not like meat.”

Shinji smiled back. “Don’t worry Rei, it’s soy, the best thing to happen to this household since.....well....I guess since Misato quit hiding beer in the tub.”

“Soy?” Rei asked and took a small bite. It tasted like greasy cornbread. “I am not sure I like this.” She said once she had swallowed.

“You don’t?” Shinji asked. He looked at his feet. “Neither does anyone else.”

“Mien Gott! Soy burgers again?!” Asuka stormed from her room and took a huge bite out of her breakfast. “I’m telling you Shinji, cook something REAL for once!” She slugged down some orange juice and grabbed her schoolbag. “C’mon you two, we’re going to be late.”

“Uh, right.” Shinji nodded and put the dished away. He was on his way out the door when he noticed Rei wasn’t with them.

“Uh, Rei....are you coming?” he asked.

Rei stood up and headed for the balcony. “I do not feel like attending school today.” She said as she stepped out.

“Well, have a nice day then.” Shinji closed the door behind him and hurried after Asuka.

********

“Hey Pete, where’s that albino chick?” A husky voice called from the kitchen of a very grimy apartment on the bad side of town.

“I dunno, she’s your responsibility.” Pete poked his head out of the bathroom. “And how can this girl live in a place without a big screen TV? It’s unsanitary.” He tried flushing the toilet one more time. “C’mon c’mon, just once for daddy?”

Rich chuckled. “Give it a rest, we put like, eight holes in the water pipe yesterday.”

“Damn, you’re right. Hey...what’s with the suit, you look like Ikari.”

Rich shrugged and smoothed out the jacket. “The kid picked it out. And it looks good on me.

“Whatever.” Pete said as he sprayed some aerosol ‘Green Irish Mist’ stuff into the odorous bathroom.

“Hey, we’re receiving transmission.” Rich said and sat on the chair next to the bed to hear the small monitoring device they had planted on Rei.

“What’s she saying?” Pete asked while digging through the pantry looking for some ramen.

Rich shushed him and turned his attention back to the monitor. “Something about Ikari and his scent....”

“What? Rich, you always pick the weird ones.”

Again Rich hushed his partner and turned up the volume. “Listen for yourself.”

“......Ikari.....smells.....ood....ike.....the......commander......hat.....are.....ese.....feelings?”

Pete sank onto the First Child’s bed and listened. “Yeah, weird one alright.”

“Shhh, there’s more.” Rich changed the frequency to a more stable connection.

“And what about Soryou? Her lessons are not of any use, yet I try to follow them. Is this so I can be a better mate for Ikari? Hmmm? A transmitter?- shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

“We lost contact.” Rich said as he flung his headphones down. “How could she find a bug that small? and It was on her back too!”

“Bendy.” Said Pete with a raise of his eyebrows.

Rich hung his head. “Saylay* needs a report. What are we gonna say? ‘Yeah, the First Child said nothing about Gendo’s plan for the destruction of mankind, but she DID mention she liked his son’s scent and she wants to fuck him’”

“Hey, she didn’t say that directly.” Pete said. His face lit up as he found a package of instant rice.

Three knocks and a loud ‘open up you bastards!’ came from the door. Both heads turned to stare at it.

“It’s your turn.” Pete and Rich said at the same time.

Pete shook his head. “I let her in the last time, you have to do it.”

“No way, last time I opened it she kneed me in the nuts!”

“Too bad.”

Rich sighed and cautiously made his way to the door, where they had installed a bullet proof pick proof titanium padlock. “Coming....” He said cheerfully and unlocked the door.

“About time you idiots!” A red head yelled as she stormed into the apartment.

Rich sighed with relief once he was sure his crotch was safe.

“So....what do you have on the First?” Pete asked from behind the bed.

Asuka frowned. “I found out she has no fashion sense, can’t cook, and relies on Commander Ikari to explain everything to her.”

“Nothing about the dummy plug or anything like that?” Rich asked.

Asuka shook her head. “Nope, the girl hardly even talks.”

“And what about the other two?” Pete asked through the rice he was eating. “Are they suspicious of your time with the First Child?”

“Shinji suspects something, but I’m not sure what, and Misato is just as drunken as ever.”

Pete and Rich nodded. “Alright, keep us posted.”

Asuka scowled at the order and left. Once she was outside she pulled the small recorder from her school uniform pocket. “Sheisse, I thought I’d never get out of there.” She knocked on the door of Apartment 406.

“Who’s there?”

“Your beautiful wife-to-be.”

Kaji opened the door and laughed. “Come on Asuka, You know I’m engaged to Misato.”

“You wish.” Asuka said as she hurried into the apartment.

“Well?” Kaji looked at Asuka expectantly while she made herself comfortable on the small bed.

“It’s a little small for our purposes, but as long as the springs hold out we’re fine.” Asuka said.

Kaji laughed again. “I mean what did you find out about Seele’s operatives?”

“They have a bug on Ayanami, and they still think I’m uber-excited about busting her chops.”

Asuka was handed a cup of tea. “Well, you have proved yourself as a great partner, my dear Asuka.”

“But.....” She waited for the other shoe to fall.

“But it has become to dangerous. I’m afraid Seele is going to try to pull something and I can’t have the best Eva pilot end up dead, now can I?”

“No....but what about you? I can protect you!” Asuka stood up to her full height.

“Of course you can, just let me take care of this first.” Kaji gave Asuka a playful shove and looked at his watch. “You’d better get back to school, lunchtime is almost over. And listen, I don‘t want you doing anything that has to do with this. Stay away from Seele. Understand?”

“Yeah, yeah...” Asuka rolled her eyes and left.

******

Shinji was going to wonder where Asuka went when the lunch bell rung, but two pesky golems interrupted his thoughts. 1) Aida Kensuke. 2) Toji Suzahara. They pulled up chairs to Shinji’s table and greeted him with big smiles of accomplishment and self-pride.

“Hey guys.” Shinji said and took a bite into his lunch.

Toji grinned and nodded to Kensuke, who fished a small package out of his pocket.

“What’s this?” Shinji asked after Kensuke had tossed it onto the table in front of him.

Toji beamed some more. “Open it.” He instructed.

Shinji complied and peeled open the top of the envelope. “Pictures? I thought the principal told you guys to quit selling these for cash.........REI?!”

Toji and Kensuke hooted at their friends reaction.

“Man Shinji.....you are one lucky son of a bitch. Check out that yoga pose.” Kensuke snickered.

Toji slapped his friend on the back. “Yeah...and in the nude!”

Shinji quickly flipped through the rest of the images, photos of Asuka in a shower.......Rei sleeping naked.....Asuka posing in front of a camera nude......Rei sprawled on the hood of a car nude?

“Okay...I see what this is.” Shinji picked at Rei’s face until it began to warp and peel, then pulled it off, showing another girl’s face beneath it. “You guys took pictures of Asuka and Rei and glued them on pictures from some porn magazine.”

“Ooh, perceptive.” Toji mocked as he dug a crumpled up photo from his pocket.

Kensuke looked at it confused, until a smile broke onto his face. “Holy shit Toji......an authentic one!”

Shinji snatched the afore mentioned photo away from his pal and studied it. “Yeah....I have to say this one is real.”

“How can you scrutinize something like this and keep so calm?” Kensuke asked, muffling his snickers of joy at the picture of Asuka in only her panties on her bed.

“Well, I wash all her clothes everyday, and I’ve seen her before....kinda....” Shinji said and handed Toji back his prize.

“Well still, I mean. Naked is naked.” Aida said indignantly.

Shinji finished his lunch. “What I want to know is where you got that.”

Toji’s smile of pride returned. “I’ll never tell.”

Kensuke retrieved the picture from the athlete. “Hmmmmm, from that angle and the light source.....I’d say the eastern weapon tower...number....164 if I’m not mistaken.” Kensuke analyzed.

Toji was struck speechless. “How’d you know?”

“I’ll never tell.” Was the curt reply.

Shinji smiled. “I know. Last time Kensuke was up there Asuka saw him with his camcorder and threw vases at him until he lost his balance and fell two stories.”

“Which was why you were absent those few days and wouldn’t tell us why.” Toji exclaimed.

“No, that time I was off sneaking into Nerv’s Eva cages.....”

“What are you stooges talking about now?” The three friends turned to see Hikari standing above them.

“The lunch bell rung three minutes ago, you better get to class.” She said and ushered them along.

Toji saw his photo fall out of Kensuke’s hand and onto the table. Hikari noticed the object fall and went to pick it up.

“You dropped this Kensu-”

Toji acted. “Hey, Class rep., want to go out on Friday and see that new movie that’s out?”

Hikari was caught completely off guard, giving Shinji a chance to capture the renegade photograph and stuff it in his pocket.

“Well.....Suzahara.....I never thought......well I......Sure!” Hikari stammered.

Toji slumped with relief that the pornographic material was safe. “Good, I’ll pick you up sometime.” The three of them bolted towards the classroom.

*******

Asuka rushed into the classroom exactly thirteen minutes after the class had begun.

“Miss Soryou, you know where the buckets are, please stand in the hall.” The sensei said without even looking up to see who it was. If he had looked up he’d seen Asuka in a muddy, tattered school uniform with an equally muddy schoolbag and what looked suspiciously like a bloody bludgeoning weapon that used to be the muffler to a car.

“But....”

The sensei finally looked up. “No buts Miss Soryou, now stand in the....Dear holy 2nd impact! My poor girl, what happened to you?”

“Um.....I ran into traffic on the way here.” Asuka lied. The truth was that things had gotten dangerous, and Seele had sent an agent after Asuka after she left Rei’s building. The agent had intercepted Asuka and tried to apprehend her on charge of her treason against Seele, and Asuka proceeded to flee, then grow weary of fleeing and set up a defensive position in an alley. The agent warned he’d use force if necessary and Asuka replied, “How about I force your eyes out the back of your head?” And ripped free a vital part of a nearby car’s exhaust system. The bludgeoning of the hapless agent ensued. But Asuka wasn’t about to tell her teacher that.

“Oh....I see. Um. Please take your seat.” The sensei said and resumed his lecture on popular children’s names of the second impact.

Asuka trudged to her seat and let the muffler drop to the floor. “Sheisse.....what a day.”

After school Shinji, Kensuke and Toji started walking home, with the possible exception of Toji, who had to stay after to talk to Hikari about the impromptu date.

“You see Hikari...I...”

Hikari blushed. “Go on, I can’t wait for the movie.”

Toji swallowed. “Well.....I.....I’ll pick you up at eight?”

“Great!” Hikari hummed to herself and waltzed away.

Toji sighed. “Just my luck. Maybe Kensuke or Shinji will come with me... HEY! Shinji! C’mere!”

Shinji stopped walking and turned. “Yeah?”

Toji ran up. “I’m going to see that new action movie with Hikari, you wanna come?”

Shinji thought, action movies didn’t really interest him, n fact, he hadn’t seen a movie since.....since that ‘home movie’ Kensuke had made of the girl’s locker room.

“Uh, okay, I’ll go-”

“Baka-boy is going with me, and the other stooge can take Rei.” The two boys turned to see Asuka with Rei in tow.

“Excuse me?” Toji asked.

Asuka sniffed. “You heard me. We’ll make it a triple date. Any questions?” She asked menacingly.

“None here!” Shinji said quickly. A glance to Toji got his answer.

“No ma’am!”

Rei looked over at Kensuke, who was sitting on the curb reading a ‘Guns and Ammo’ magazine. She sighed.

“I understand.” She said and tried not to let her disdain of the otaku-boy show through.

Asuka smiled. “Perfect. We’ll see that romance movie that just came out.”

“What?!” Toji and Kensuke cried in unison.

Kensuke had no problem with going to a movie with a girl, no...his problem lay in the type of movie. Toji, who had a problem going to a movie with a girl by himself, didn’t care one way or another what kind it was as long as it didn’t involve mushy scenes of love and goo. Shinji just didn’t care, although he wondered why Asuka had wanted to go with him.

Asuka had her reasons, namely keeping up her fake ‘fitting in’ lessons with Rei while still keeping an eye on her, but also getting to be with Shinji without strings attached. This was strictly business. (or so she convinced herself)

“ Stay away from Seele my ass.....” She whispered.

Continued............

*Author’s unmistakably stupid blubbering.

The plot thickens! Or at least it does a good job of pretending to. Well, this idea hit me to make this an actual fic and not just another funny series, but the last few time I did that I screwed up big time. I promise to always keep it humorous, and maybe I’ll get it right.

* Seele is spelled wrong here for a reason. Find out next time or scroll down to see a spoiler.

** SPOILER!!!

Saylay is not Seele, as Asuka and Kaji believe it is. Chances are Kaji heard Pete and Rich say ‘Saylay’ and thought the two thugs were talking about the infamous Seele who are obsessed about evil stuff and the Dead Sea Scrolls. This is very important in the future chapters.