Is there really a sucker born every minute? Well, then how often are perverts born? We know they’re around, lurking in the shadows, doing their perverted things. Now they have invaded the home of the free market on the World Wide Web, Ebay. Must everything be exposed to their filth?
It all started in September of 1987, when the legendary situation comedy Full House premiered for the very first time. America had been exposed to the cutest baby of our time and there was no turning back! Who was this little, “munchkin,” known simply as Michelle? What many of you may not know is that Michelle was actually played by the twin sisters Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Yes, those Olsen twins. The masses were hooked and we have all taken great pride in watching them as they have blossomed into beautiful young women. They are truly America’s children.
That brings us to the now, the year 2003. Mar and Ash are now 16 years old and things have changed since they were little girls. One “entrepreneur” also took notice of these changes and decided to cash in on them in a most disturbing way. Bill English, a 19 year old man, admits he followed the Olsen twins around for several months before he finally, “struck gold.” He was like their shadow; their creepy pervert shadow. Whenever one of them would enter the restroom, he would patiently wait until they reemerged and then slip in unnoticed. Once inside he would sift through the trash in hopes of finding used feminine hygiene products. His persistence paid off in mid-January when both twins used the restroom at the same time. However, there was only one used hygiene product in the trash can. How did he know it was Mary-Kate’s? “That’s easy; the smell. They may be twins, but they don’t smell the same,” English informed me.
He then took the product and set up an auction for it on Ebay, the popular auction website. It had actually received several bids by the time the administrators of the site were informed of the auction. As it says in the Prohibited and Restricted section of Ebay’s policies, “Humans, the human body, or any human body parts may not be listed on Ebay. Examples of prohibited items include, but are not limited to: organs, bone, blood, waste, sperm, and eggs.” At the time of its removal, the current bid on the product was $211.84.
I demanded English tell me what a person could possibly do with a used hygiene product. He was not really sure. If he had kept it, which he emphatically tells me he was tempted to do, he would have put it on a satin pillow in a glass case, like a museum. He then added some people use them as teabags.
English now faces criminal charges for stalking the twins and trespassing in a women’s restroom. He cries that he is just an entrepreneur and he was trying to make an honest dollar. Is this a case of capitalism run amok; or of a pervert who has also run amok?

*The preceding article is a work of humor, it is not to be taken seriously. All quotes attributed to real people are fictitious.