If you thought that you had heard it all, brace yourself; because we can add one more to that long list of outrageous lawsuits. In Maryland, a college freshman is suing her school for two million dollars over, get this, the shape of her toilet. It’s shaped like every other toilet on campus, so what is all the fuss about? Angela Nicole Amy Lewis is filing the suit because she has a medical condition that makes it impossible for her to deposit a bowel movement into a standard toilet; she must use a special toilet.
Angela suffers from a rare genetic mutation known as Aves Bi-anal disorder. Simply put, she has two butt holes; one in the normal location and another on the spot that is regularly the top of a woman’s vagina. One would expect life to be hard enough for a young girl with two anuses; unfortunately though, that is not Lewis’s only problem. Her digestive system works more like that of a bird than a human. Lewis lacks a separate urinary organ so her waste products combine to form a soupy substance that comes out of both anuses. “It’s like diarrhea every time I go,” she told me during the intimate conversation we had as she showed me her bathroom. “When I use a normal toilet, the spray from the front hits the seat and splashes onto my legs. It happens in the back if I sit too far back on the seat. I have to use a toilet that looks like a trough horse’s drink from, longer and narrow, ya know?” What is a girl to do? Angie has decided to sue the school over their non-compliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990. She claims she told the school about her problem over the summer, giving administrators more than enough time to renovate a bathroom to fit her needs.
A spokesperson for Resident Life tells us that they were never informed of Ang’s special needs. The spokesperson went on to say, “She never told me about it. For that matter, nobody did. Quite frankly I think that a girl with two anuses…uh, well you know, should make the best of what she has until we can provide her with the suitable facilities. Two million dollars seems a bit steep, doesn’t it?” When asked why she chose two million dollars, Angie-Nic replied, “A million for each asshole I’ve got.”

You may remember the story about the college freshman with two anuses suing her school; well she’s at it again, this time suing the company that printed the article. In her suit she claims the article has caused her severe emotional damage.
When reached for comment, Angela sobbed into the phone, “My (ughhh) boyfriend du…dum…dumped me as soon as he read that article (snfffff), I’ve been depressed ever since.”
Her boyfriend, Bobby Debeter, assured us that it was not her, it was him. Rumors are afloat, however, that during a stall-to-stall conversation with a friend, Debeter admitted he, “Dumped that freak as soon as I saw the paper.”
His friend neither denied nor confirmed the rumor, but he did tell us that Debeter is now called, “ass-face,” for unknowingly giving Lewis a rim-job after the homecoming party. “He was all like, ‘I ate some puss tonight, while you losers all jacked off to cinemax.’ Little did he know he ate out an asshole!”