College to use Live Lion as Mascot
By Christopher

Students will no longer have to watch someone dressed as a lion act like a buffoon at football games. College administrators have decided that games would be more exciting, and thus draw more people, if the school mascot was an actual lion. A deal has just been inked with the government of Kenya to import a lion from the Gir Forest area. The lion should be delivered by mid-October.
The Student Senate has issued a resolution endorsing the use of a lion as a team mascot. Several other groups, including the athletic department, have also come out in favor of the lion.
Head Football Coach, John Anselmo, feels that, “Having a real lion on the field will really inspire our players, as well as intimidate the opposition.”
The lion will be kept in a 12 feet by 9 feet metal cage. At the beginning of games, the cage will be lowered onto the field from a crane while the Guns n’ Roses song Welcome to the Jungle plays on the PA system.
“Imagine how insane it will be, the lion coming down, the music blasting. The other team will probably just leave,” College President Sean Fanelli excitedly said over the phone.
When the lion isn’t striking fear into the hearts of Nassau’s opponents, it will live comfortably in a specially modified classroom in the P Building. The front wall will be knocked down and replaced with metal bars. A heavy duty, extra-thick glass wall will stand opposite the bars so that the lion can see the outside world. The room will be filled with foliage that mimics the lion’s natural habitat, and a lion specialist will be on call 24 hours a day in case there is an emergency. Also, once a month, a live zebra will be brought to Nassau so that the lion may still feel the thrill of the hunt.
Though most on campus support the lion, there are still those who do not. One student, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “Am I the only person on this campus who is not crazy? It’s a fucking lion! God forbid it gets out and starts attacking people, and how the hell are they going to pay for it?”
The athletic department also received a phone call from a shadowy figure, who, in a shadowy voice, warned that if the lion did come to Nassau, there would be problems. The voice claimed to represent the shadowy organization ALF, the Animal Liberation Front. In the past, ALF has been known to wreak havoc on those they deem cruel to animals.
President Fanelli waves off the doubters, and he assures students that, “The lion will not get out of its cage, and there is no need to worry about money. We’ll just raise tuition.”

HEY STUDENTS!
A contest will be held to find the name of the lion. To enter the contest just write down your name and the name you would give the lion, and then drop off your entry at the office of the Vignette (room 347 of the CCB building). You can also drop the paper off at the front desk of CCB. The staff of the Vignette, along with President Fanelli, will decide on the best name, and the winner will receive a free T-shirt and an 8x10 glossy photo of the lion.