I know you’re probably not going to believe this, but herpes isn’t really that bad. You probably want to know why you should believe me, a total stranger, over your teachers, parents, doctors, friends and whoever else told you that herpes was bad. Believe me because I have it, that’s why. I have herpes, and I am here to tell you that it isn’t as bad as they make it out to be.
First off, after you get oral herpes, symptoms don’t even appear for 2-12 days. I think of that time as the honeymoon, you know, how like politicians have a 100 day honeymoon when first elected. This part isn’t bad at all, you can take my word.
The symptoms come next. This is the part that everyone thinks is so bad, but really, it isn’t! Signs and symptoms last about 2 to 3 weeks, and these will not be the worst 2-3 weeks of your life, I guarantee it. During these weeks, fever, tiredness, irritability, and muscle soreness can occur. That’s it? I have never slept better in my life, and when I got a fever I got to miss school. Not only did I miss school, but I was so irritable, I flipped out on my sister over the money she owed me and she finally paid me back.
A bunch of blisters appeared around my mouth. Before they came, the area around my mouth burned, it was interesting. The blisters made me the most popular guy in school. Every hot girl that never noticed me before was now totally checking me out and then whispering to her friends about how hot I was. I felt like a new man.
I also got oral sores. They hurt a little, but the benefits were worth the pain. Like they say, ‘no pain, no gain!’ The sores made it hurt when I ate or drank, so I didn’t do much of either while they persisted. I lost 7 pounds, and now I look svelte. I wasn’t fat or anything, but I could bear to lose a few pounds.
Now the blisters and sores are gone, so I’m pretty much back to normal. I take a pill every day to fight against outbreaks, and I have to avoid stressful situations. If I don’t do my homework or some paper, I just tell the teacher I couldn’t get it done in time without getting stressed. Once they see the doctor’s note, they chill out and give me an extension. Life has been pretty good since I got herpes, so just remember, don’t believe everything the establishment tells you, because they usually have their own interests at heart.

by King Phineas of Thrace

Ayyye, for how long did those brutish animals terrorize me? Is it just to force a man to bear the punishment of the harpies for being too clever? Of course not! I shall probably be struck by lightning for saying this, but nothing those Olympian fools do is fair. Their leader, Zeus, he is the worst of them all. He is like, dare I say, a gang leader.
I was born with a gift, the gift of prophesy. It seemed as though I was blessed, for the talent of a prophet is worth very much, you see. Unfortunately, that imbecile Zeus decided that I had revealed too much of his plans for the gods. You would think that maybe he would admonish me, give me some sort of warning, but no, he chose to set me on a deserted island with a buffet of food. This, however, was no ordinary island. The harpies lived on it, or nearby maybe, I never really knew. Every time I tried to get food those stupid beasts would steal it!
My face is round now, but it was not like that when I was on that island. I looked as anyone would after having had their food stolen by winged beasts for so long. It would not have been long before I passed on to take my trip across the river Styx had not the Argonauts come to my aid. My once proud figure had been reduced to that of a Calvin Klein model, I resembled a…a peasant. All because of those winged whores! It is good the Argonauts came when they did, chasing off those harpies once and for all.
My health quickly returned once I began to eat again. People can once again see that I am a wealthy man from the fat that hangs off my bones.