Man Decapitated by EZ Pass Laser
By Christopher

In a story that sounds like it came straight from Saudi Arabia, a New York man’s head was sliced off when he sped through an ‘EZ Pass Only’ toll lane. Darryl Winter, a resident of Mineola, had just crossed over the Throgs Neck Bridge when he flagrantly violated the EZ Pass speed limit of fifteen miles per hour. EZ Pass’ designers are now rushing to fix what one called, “a major glitch.”
When someone drives through the EZ Pass lane, a laser reads the number from their pass. Before that, however, another laser determines how fast the car is moving. The first laser then relays the speed to a computer which decides how strong the second laser will need to be in order to correctly read the Pass. The faster a car is moving, the stronger the laser must be.
“You may notice that when you cross through an EZ Pass lane, for a brief moment you feel concentrated heat on your neck,” Frederick Hauser, an EZ Pass specialist, told reporters. He then added, “Take that heat and multiply it, and that’s how his head was removed. It was like Lord Vader swiped it off with his saber!”
Conspiracy theorists, however, are not buying into the official explanation for Winter’s demise. They suspect that EZ Pass is just another way for Big Brother to watch over the people. Theorists allege that people can easily be disposed of when they fall out of favor. Dennis Shalf explained, “They killed Winter because he knew too much. I’ll never get a credit card, let alone an EZ Pass. Big Brother is after me because I’ve been exposing his lies for years in my weekly newsletter.” Big Brother, however, was unavailable for comment.