Researchers Find Nassau Students Damaging Ozone Layer

Everyday, Nassau Community College students are subjected to a wide variety of smells. Some of them make students’ mouths water, while others make them cringe in disgust. One of the most overpowering of those smells, fragrance products, may also be damaging the environment. Research scientists at Columbia University have determined that the excessive use of cologne and perfume of Nassau students is causing a hole in the ozone layer, one of the layers of the atmosphere that protects humans from the harmful radiation of the sun.
According to Air Force Satellite photos, the hole is extremely small. Lead scientist Darren Osburn is confident that if Nassau students significantly cut down on their use of fragrance products, the damage can be stopped and maybe even reversed. “I think the problem is that the kids don’t understand that you only need to spray yourself once, really. These kids must be doing it seven, maybe eight times. Cologne is not a substitute for bathing,” Osburn told reporters at a press conference.
“Hell no,” exclaimed student William Dafoe when informed that he may have to cut down on his cologne use. He said he refuses to use less because he has to, “smell fine fo’ the ladies.” When asked how many times he sprays himself in the morning, he replied, “Spray nine to smell fine.” It seems as though Dafoe is not alone, either, and that could be bad news Nassau students. However, some feel that the increase in sun will be a good thing, reasoning that it will tan them faster, thus saving them the money they otherwise would have spent at the tanning salon.