Return to the Temple

I like to think that occasionally I write stuff that could be passed off as satire, which is defined as:
1.A literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit.
2.The branch of literature constituting such works. See Synonyms at caricature. Irony, sarcasm, or caustic wit used to attack or expose folly, vice, or stupidity. (Dictionary.com)
, so read through and judge for yourself. Several of the articles I have submitted to the school paper, and there they sit in limbo. I'm listing them chronologically, the newest will be at the top. Just so you know, none of these are to be taken seriously, all quotes attributed to real people are fabricated, unless otherwise noted.

I Was Surprised That the Black Market Was Not all Black
Written on: November 13, 2003
I imagined a kid wondering if a black market was actually a place where black people sold goods.

A1 Steak Sauce to Sponsor Campus Beautification
Written on: November 13, 2003
One day I was walking through the parking lot when I saw the A1 pole, it made me think of the steak sauce.

Schools to Cut Costs by Using Prisoners
Written on: November 10, 2003
I started this one the other day, and then finished it today. I had this idea when I saw a blue bus drive by one day.

Daddy's Gonna Get You!
Written on: November 8, 2003
I thought of this one in some class, the idea seemed funny at the time, I don't really know about the final product. This would be an opinion piece, really.

As Bumper Sticker Related Accidents Rise, Movement Gains Momentum
Written on: November 4, 2003
I actually wrote it earlier, but didn't type it until the 4th. I don't like when a car has too many stickers on the back, but there are a lot of people who do. Also, isn't the title of the article a little long?

Prostitute Awaits Her 'Golden John'
Written on: October 29, 2003
A sort of human interest story I suppose.

Point-Counterpoint: Beauty Pageants
Written on: October 22, 2003
I thought of this one a while ago, the original vision was to have a sincere girl and a total idiot agree with her but for a different reason. It didn't end up exactly like that, so check it out.

Students Try to Duel for Parking Space
Written on: October 18, 2003
I guess I've been thinking of parking lately.

Point-Counterpoint: Parking at Nassau
Written on: October 14, 2003
This really speaks for itself I guess.

False IDs Fall into Wrong Hands
Written on: October 14, 2003
I imagined criminals having a hard time getting onto campus because of Project P.I.N., this is what it ended up as.

Students Wish to Change School Name
Written on: October 14, 2003
My history professor mentioned a certain president, so I wrote this article.

Point-Counterpoint: Herpes
Written on: October 9, 2003
We've been discussing safe sex and STD's in health, which is where I've thought of these last two Point-Counterpoints.

Point-Counterpoint: Safe Sex
Written on: October 6, 2003
We were learning about safe sex in my health class, so I imagined a guy talking about using a fruit roll up.

Students Enraged by Elder Students' Chatter
Written on: October 2, 2003
There are these old people in one of my classes, and whenever the teacher says something they like repeat what he says a few times. It doesn't bother me too much, though it is a little annoying, so I imagined a group of kids taking action because it really angered them.

Man Beheaded by EZ Pass Laser
Written on: September 30, 2003
I thought of this one a few weeks (maybe months) ago, I was driving down I-95, from Boston I believe. I went through an EZ Pass and thought of this.

Point Counterpoint: Want to Cyber?
Written on: September 27, 2003
This is pretty similar to another part of the site, but at the same time it is different.

Converse Looks to Ink Deal with Ex-Liberian President
Written on: September 27, 2003
I thought of this one a while ago, back in early 2003, I just never got around to writing it.

College to use Live Lion as Mascot
Written on: September 26, 2003
I imagined that the college decided to use a real live lion as the mascot, and then I wrote this.

Point Counterpoint: osdnfisduagbpia
Written on: September 26, 2003
This one is pretty mean, so if you don't like mean humor, don't open it. I feel bad putting it up, tell me if I should.

Point-Counterpoint: Stepping on the flag vs. Free Speech: Has Art Gone too Far?
Written on: September 24, 2003
There was recently this controversy at NCC about a piece of art where you step on the flag in order to sign a book. The idea is that in order to preserve your right to free speech, you must desecrate the flag. Two dunderheads square off.

Quagmire on the Meadowbrook!
Written on: September 22, 2003
I thought of this one in my history class I think.

Project P.I.N. to be Taken One Step Further
Written on: September 19th, 2003
At Nassau we are supposed to start wearing our ID cards around our necks by October 1st, the initiative is called Project PIN, so I thought of this article.

Nassau Students Damaging Environment
Written on: September 18, 2003
One time I was walking through the parking lot and these kids reeked of cologne, so it inspired me to write this one.

Nassau Student Found Dead of Dehydration in Parking Lot
Written on: September 17, 2003
I really like this one, it's a play on real life events, and I thought it rather clever.

Hamptons Residents Lobby for 'Super Dooper Highway'
Written on: Thursday, September 4th 2003
I thought of this one when I was stuck in traffic. I also submitted this one to the paper.

Point-Counterpoint: Are Nassau Girls Prude?
Written on: April 3rd, 2003
This one I actually wrote when I was down in Maryland, so at first it was about Maryland girls, then I changed it and submitted it to the newspaper.

President Bush Ends War After Reading Away Messages
Written on: March 20, 2003
This is from the war in Iraq had just begun, and a lot of people had anti-war away messages; I wondered what good those would do, so I wrote this.

Girl Sues University over Shape of Toilet and the Followup
Written on: February 6, 2003 and follow up written on: February 9, 2003
I wrote this piece because I thought it would be funny if a girl did that. I also imagined that a guy would say it tasted 'nitrogenous' when he ate the girl out.

Used Tampon of Mary-Kate Olsen Auctioned on Internet
Written on: February 5, 2003
I don't really remember what made me think of this, maybe it was because I was buying a lot of stuff off of Ebay at the time.