For those of you out there who are non-bio majors, but still curious about the inside of the human body, finding useful information about it can be difficult. Hell, I know how hard it is to find good information about the human body, I searched for a full hour trying to find out the function of pubic hair a few weeks ago. Thats why an at-home autopsy is so useful. Not only are you not burdened by the workload you would have if you took some crazy Bio 101 course, but you don't have to pay for the credits, and if you know how to dispose of a body, there is almost no cost to you except the trial that is trying to find a new suitemate. As a service to you all I will detail the procedure here on my website so you can all learn more about the beauty of the human body.
The first thing you need for an autopsy is a seditive. I know, you're thinking, "I thought you did an autopsy on someone who was already dead." I have taken this into consideration, but if you want a fresh body with minimal damage done to the internal organs, you must first sedate your victim patient and then smother them as they sleep. Also, it's a lot less messy that way. My suggestions for sedation include either a blow dart tipped with a small amount of poison or more easily a large amount of beer, something in the way of a full case. The second option works exceptionally well if your suitemate is an alcoholic.
Next, once you have smothered the suitemate to sufficiently halt any pesky breathing that could interfere with your operation, you must obtain a sharp object. Or if you are really hardcore you could theoretically use something as dull as a spoon but this will decrease the visibility within the body and will make prying open that pesky ribcage much more difficult. This sharp object will be your key to unlocking the mysteries of the human body.
To begin your exploration, first you must decide which body part to crack open first. In my opinion the best place to start an autopsy of your suitemate is the head, for reasons which will become evident soon enough. Begin with removing anything major from around the top, cranial lobe of the skull. This includes everything from hair to scalp to even an ear or two. Afterwards, you need to remove part fo the skull for brain access. If you were in an expensive "lab" or a "hospital" you could use one of their fancy tools, like a bonesaw or a skull cutter or whatever they use, but since we are performing an autopsy on a budget, unless you can borrow a bonesaw from your next door neighbor you are better off just making a clean crack with a cinder block or brick and then just prying it open with your sharp object or some other obtainable tool.
Once inside the skull the real fun begins, as all the nerves and synapses of the brain are yours to command, just like a real body. With a few electrodes, or alternately just some copper wire with one end plugged into the wall socket, you can electrically stimulate certain areas of the brain to cause corresponding areas of the body to twitch. This is why we opened up the brain first, so we could make our subject twitch and dance to our macabre music of death.... yeah.
Once you finish your exploration of the inside or your suitemate's skull, the next most interesting place in the body is the chest and abdomen. Why? Because it has the squishiest parts inside it. To check out the insides of someone's chest, first you have to take their shirt and any other clothing on their upper body off. This can be especially innerving if you are a guy and your suitemate is a girl or just incredibly fat and disgusting, which is far more likely. You must now obtain soemthing with which to crack open your subjects ribs. I recommend a saw of some sort, but I suppose another option is a hammer and chisel, although this would likely spray blood all over the suite that your now-deceased suitemate has worked so hard to keep clean. This is a bad idea, because now that they are dead there is nobody to clean it for you.
Now that youre inside the chest, notice all the fun organs there are to play with. The lungs, for example, can hold large amounts of air. Try inflating them by breathing into the subjects cold and lifeless mouth. If this doesn't work you can also pierce them directly with a straw to inflate them. Note that for fun lungs make great water balloons. Also, while you're in the chest/abdomen you might as well take a look at all the other internal organs. INtestines, for example, are like 2 miles long or something like that. Another interesting thing to do is to check out your suitemate's liver. If your suitemates are like mine, then their livers should be REALLY screwed up.
Now, for the most part you are finished with the autopsying, unless you want to cut open your suitemates crotch. Personally I don't want to have anything to do with my suitemates' crotches, but thats your decision to make. However, just so you'll always remember the fun Suitemate Autopsy Experience, I suggest that before you dispose of the bloody, mutilated corpse, you take a souvenier, such as a finger or toe. These nifty souveniers can be made into a number of mementos, such as key rings, umm..... or... other key rings.
--Scuba Steve, November 28, 2001
---Special thanks to Murph for inspiring this travesty with a completely different conversation.