Hoser Gazette

Personal Advertisements

We are a relatively a new paper so we only have one

SSM-seeks ANY female w/FWA.
I like to hunt, camp under the stars, mmmpphhing on rocks, and get myself in what seems lost causes.  I'm verra good with a broadsword and occasionally use a dirk at the dinner table.  I enjoy traveling by horseback with no necessities at all on cold rainy days. Therefore the bonnie lass I seek must be fairly strong and able to withstand long hard drives at night.   Also a plus she should be able to eat anything, sleep anywhere, occasionally heal the sick, and dinna mind long red hair.  I love the scent of peat fires and cold damp wool. Oh yeah, I wear a skirt....I mean kilt!  Please send your replies to: scottishstudmuffin@yahoo.com

Jodi  won the basket with girlie things to make you pretty and a small frame that right now has a picture of Fabio in it! *g*
 
 
 

Dear Scottish Stud Muffin,
My name is Martha Stewart and I came across your personal ad while making perfectly lovely paper mache replicas of my breasts.  I guess you could say I have a talent for crafts and this is my latest project.  When I have made 100 breast replicas I will choose my two favourites and then I will hang them in my dining room for the enjoyment of all my dinner guests.  I like to do this sort of thing in my spare time.  I've attached a picture of this delightful project as I thought you might be interested.  It is the first picture shown below.

Although I have in the past replied to personal ads (most notably Donald Trump, Prince Andrew and, just recently, Dennis Quaid), I would not describe it as my usual practice.  None of my previous replies have blossomed, therefore, I am still looking for a long-term, committed relationship with a man and I am confident you will be the one to fill that position.  I most definitely do have a FWA which I'm sure will please you greatly.  The second picture shown is of me taken while I attended a dinner at the White House.

It certainly seems that you are a man with many hobbies, which is a quality I admire, however, you certainly do seem to "rough it" a bit more than I am used to and I am sure I could help make your life somewhat easier.  We would make a perfect team.  For example, you like to hunt and I like to cook.  I have the most wonderful recipes for mutton in a creamy dill sauce, rat sauteed in white wine, garlic and butter and haggis that will have even the most discriminating diner asking for seconds (my secret ingredient is soya sauce).

I do enjoy camping in the outdoors, however, I'm always a little nervous when sleeping directly under the stars and prefer to have myself protected from the elements.  The third picture shown below is of the lean-to that I made while camping 3 or 4 years ago.  This took me about 1 hour to make, although I suppose I did get lucky in that I had access to a full size axe and not just the hatchet that I normally carry.  So, you see, when we stop for the evening, you can busy yourself hunting down dinner while I get our camp set up and I'd be done in time to cook whatever wild animal you rustle up.

To be honest, I might have a bit of a problem with your weaponry, especially at the dinner table, although I suppose they would come in handy for carving pheasant or sectioning a wild boar.  I will think about this one a little more.

And I don't mind if you want to travel by horseback but, if at all possible, I would like to bring along a carriage for my own personal use.  I mean, I would be using a horse anyway so I might as well hook it up to a carriage.  The fourth picture below is of the carriage I use for just these occasions.  You are welcome to ride in it as well, should you periodically wish to travel in style and elegance.

As for mmmphing on rocks - well, I must admit that I have never actually tried this (with another person anyway) but I would be willing to make an attempt.  Before we try this though, might I suggest that you round up about 100 wild Canadian geese for me so that I may pluck their feathers and make us a feather bed to drape over the rocks.  From what I recall, those rocks can be quite sharp and, of course, they are pretty hard on the tailbone.

I'm not all that fussy about long red hair but that's nothing that a pair of scissors and a henna rinse won't fix.  And I don't mind at all that you wear skirts and kilts.  I prefer to wear the pants in the family anyway.

So, as you can see, we would make a wonderful match.  You sound just perfect for me - I wouldn't want you to change a thing - and I'm sure by my own description, you feel the same about me already.  I look forward to hearing from you and to the beginning of our love affair.

Thinking of you,

Martha
P.S.  When you do call, please ask for my assistant, Jodi W, and tell her to put you through immediately or she's fired.

Dear SSM
Noting your post I can assume your are done making my life miserable, can you please return my wife to me?  You may not have her physically, but I recognize your traits!  She has been swooned with you for awhile, and it has made my life hell!
  I have been measured for a klt, given sword lessons, riding lessons, been tartan recognition tested.  I have been fed bannocks, haggis, Walker cookies,and scones.  She has offered to dye my hair for me, red of course!  I have to speak with a brogue or a "wee bit of the Gael" to assure any mmphing!  I used to call her baby, now it is sassenach or I am wasting breath!  I have to wear tartan boxers and breeks, not briefs and pants.  I tell you, this is not fair.
I have been gathering info on you for some time.  I now know that you are Clan Chief.  On the word of your ancestors, send my woman back!  If you should meet, she will be the one with beautiful cow eyes and a hand on your kilt hem!

A vacant man,
Dave

End the search me darrrrrrrrlin, ye’ve found your hoser;
"Tis me ye need, not any other poser.

If ye’ll gaze at the picture that I’m now sending
ye’ll see my fine arse is never-ending.

I may be short, I’ll give ye that
But can ye tell lad, that my head is flat?

Your long red hair, spread all around us
Gives witness to all that great sex has found us

When it comes to mmmppphhing, in heather or on rock,
I’m a sturdy lass; I’ll sheathe your.............broadsword.

The sick be dammned; who needs sleep
I’m so damn good I’ll make ye weep

I’ll try to eat anything, within reason
If you’ll take me to McDonalds once or twice each season.

On your bonnie stallion we’ll ride
and MMMPPPHHH throughout the countryside

A man in a kilt astride his horse
I’ll reach around for a feel, of course.

So dinna fash, ye’ve found your lassie
I dinna eat grass so I willna be gassy.

I hope you’re thinkin’, with nary a doubt
I’m gonna pick Jeanie, ‘cause she’ll put out.

Jeanie

Hoserable  Mention:
Dale!!!
Dale won the coveted hosed prize.....too good to tell!  I'm sure the hosed person will clue us in when it arrives on her doorstep!

Dear Mr. Studmuffin,
I've never done this sort of thing before, I'm kind of shy, so please be patient. Let me tell you a bit about myself.  My name is Dale (don't be fooled by it. I'm all woman, from Head to toes. You do like head don't you?) My hair is a simple brown with a bit of natural curl to it. My eyes are green and I've got good teeth! Is that important? Anyway, I'm 5'9", the perfect height when bent over a kitchen table or pressed up against a wall! Is that too forward? As I said, I'm a TOUCH ME HERE!!!....I mean a touch shy!!
So sorry! Once my tongue loosens up it seems to have a mind of it's own. It just keeps going....down and around and OH! THE TIP!!!!....Silly me there I go again. Hmmmm, Where was I?
 Oh yes. It seems Mr. Studmuffin, that you and I have a few things in common. For intance; you mentioned that you like lost causes, hunting and mmmpphhing on the rocks. (Well, there's nothing I would love more than for you to hunt me down and mmpphh me on the rocks. But beware, it might be you who becomes lost in the cause!!) Sounds like fun to me!!!
As for your hair? (believe me,  just the thought of looking DOWN ON the top of your beautiful red crown has my muff...my mind...all a tit...twitter!!) Red is Fine!! I also love riding. (I can ride so long and hard that I'll make you break out in a sweat just trying to keep up) I'm verra accomplished in that area!!   As for being able to heal the sick? I've learned alot from the Doctors here at Bedlam. I know how to give injections; I've done extensive research in shock therapy and the  little white jacket I often wear ties in the back and enhances my FWA!!
They're comming to take me away now, so I thank you for your time and patience. Being the simple minded...Make that simple, shy woman that I am I'm sure you can appreciate the effort I put into this. (Escaping thos guards was a bitch)  I close with the hope that we will be meeting soon!!
Your Stalk...friend,
   Dale
 
 

Hello Mr. Studmuffin,

    I don't have much time. In order to contact you I've had to escape my guards again.
Did I mention how clever I was?
    However, in my efforts to flee, I theem to haf backed into a thyringe containing a srong thedative and ith tarting to take efekt.
    Iv ben drooling bout u...and i dust....want..to ....say....ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Tho thorry. I mutht hav dothed off.
eye mutht retht now

Yrs,
Dale

My Darling muffin,
         So, where were we? Oh yes, I remember. We were making wild passionate love and you were just about to....wait, no that wasn't it! Sorry! Medicated hallucination!
        Ah, now I know. I had just escaped my guards when I had that small mishap with the syringe that caused me to doze off. Well, I'm feeling much better now. A good bit of shock therapy and I'm wide awake!! It's quicker than coffee!!
        I've spent the last few days passing my time in arts and crafts. I made you a picture out of colored beans and macaroni. It's not much but they won't allow me to work with sharp objuects so my materials were limited!
        Well tomorrow's the big day!! I just know you're going to pick me! Thats why I planned my escape for tonight. SHHHHH don't tell!!! And don't worry about how I'm going to find you!! I know where you live and I can track you down anywhere!!!!
        Until tomorrow my big hunk of haggis!!!
Your hosed one!!
Dale

My dear Mister Scottishstudmuffin,
I implore you to pick me from your vast array of lusty emails.  I have two feisty wee bitches at home, who are making my life a living Hell, therefore, I am desperate to escape....even for just an hour!

I have a need for soft words crooned in the middle of the night,
hours spent making slow, sweet love by a stream,
kind and gentle company with someone who will let me finish a sentence without screaming, "YOU ARE SO MEAN!"

Turn ons:
Someone who hangs up the bathroom towel after using it
Someone who flushes after going potty
Someone who can get their own drink of water
Someone who doesna throw a soaked pull-up at my heid while yelling, "INCOMING!!"

Turn offs:
back hair
navel lint
toe jam

Am capable of spanking, if that is truly what you're "into".
Studmuffin, take me away!
KellyWench

P.S.  Please, oh God, please......rescue me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
 

artchick

Dear SSM,
Your lady with the FWA has come to call.  I don't mind a good hunt or chase,
 if the prize is worth the time.  Have mmmphed on rocks and left pebbles and gravel.If we are for it, it aint a lost cause.  I like a man that can handle his broadsword, must be a strappin' lad!  You can prick anything you like at my table!
Dinna fash the weather,I can ride a stallion all day and you'll never lack for a warm spot with me near, so plan your drives in spite of the weather or the meal.  I can cure what ails ya,anywhere, anytime, anyplace.  As for red hair, the kilt will make it easy to see if the "carpet matches the drapes" !  This lass is waiting for ye.

Rhonda R
 

Dear SSM
MGSWF with FWA, I just measured it and it is most definitely F&W willing to cook pealed game (you kill and skin it I'll cook it)  and tend wounds.   I can also set a horse....that's with my FWA.  Not as in set the horse's broken bones.
I do my best travel'n in the dark sweetie... so travel'n without the sun is not problem.
Raised in the country, so I am aware of  bush privies and the various uses of oak or maple leaves.  There not just for stuffing mattresses ye kin?
I will no mind that you ware a skirt err.. kilt.. just as long as you remember who the real bitch is.  Long hair---- red - brown - black - gray.  who gives a *d*  'tis better to grab and hold onto when there's certain mmmmpppphhhing to do.  Now about them rocks......  big ones for balancing or caves is all right..... but whatcha gonna do with the little ones??????  Sounds a little kinky to me.  Is that anything like those oriental beads on a string that that oriental guy  following you around keeps showing the ladies??
And you know that wool is gonna be damp!!   With all that steamy hhrrmmmpphhing you canna help but fog up the place.
I can come anytime....... to meet you that is....

Kathleen   {I just dropped the Lady to respond to an ad like this}

Hello Scottish Stud Muffin.
Wow, I read your ad and realised immediately that you and I are meant for each other. I too love to hunt and camp under the stars, I'll mmmmmph anywhere you like and am really good with lost causes. Strong??? I'll show you strong, I eat six shredded wheat for breakfast (but can manage for weeks on an oatcake) Drives at night????? I live for night driving, I don't care how far, how wet or how big the horse, I'll drive anywhere for any length of time as long as I'm with you. I eat anything, sleep anywhere, Gwen the gorgeous doctor with the fat wide arse they call me. Haggis, grass, bannocks you name it I'll eat it. Sleep anywhere??? I'll show you sleep anywhere, I've slept on a chickens lip before now!! Long red hair???? I live for long red hair, give me long red hair day in day ou and I'm a happy woman. You are not going to believe this but my fave  cologne is called 'cold damp wool on a peat fire' Mmmm Mmmm! You wear a kilt??? Oh MyGod, you wear a kilt!!!!! I live for men in kilts. I have enclosed a photo of me, OK I'll be honest,  it was taken a few years ago (thought you'd like the hair) but I've aged well! Oh well, I'm off to the hospital right now, have to do a quadruple bi-pass op tonight so it'll be blood and guts 'tildawn, please contact me, I'll be waiting....

Gwen

 

Dear ssm
Och my talents are underutilized by my current companion (he's Welsh ye ken and USELESS) and I wish tae trade him in for a braw young laddie like yerself. My talents are innumerable but tae pique yer interest I'll name but a few.
1) I have no gag reflex and love sausages
2) I like riding bareback, have a WONDERFUL seat and my hands on  your reins will be gentle yet demanding.
3) Ye will never get the "gross pox" nor "gleet"from me. AND I am a wonder of a healer ( If it's broke I'll fix it, even if I'm the one that broke it! <bg>)
4) I love greens, oats and a wee dram (now and then)
5) I can kilt up my skirt and wield a Claymore wi' the best of your Hielan men
6) I dinna get sick at the sight of blood or gore, and I can assist wi' childbirth,foalin', geldin' and the stichin' of wounds etc.
7) I've had four years of Latin and can decline my nouns and conjugal (whoops,that's supposed to be conjuGATE my verbs, tis YOU
   I'll be conjugaling wi') A, AB, DE, CUM, EX, I...take the ablative case.
Please send me recent miniature or "wanted broadside" of yourself and I shall respond wi' the same
   Changeling

Natalie

I seen a grand ad in the Hoser Gazette, not that I'm lookin for a man, but I couldn't help to notice what a bonnie way ya write and has me very interested. You could say that sleeping under the stars, if it's not rain ya kin, is very  peaciful and relaxin, I have a fetish of men with swords, maybe on how very hard they are, who know for sure."G" I can cook a rabbit tender and crips on a spit in to time, incase we would have to be in a hurry to get away from the lost causes you like to get yerself into. and make a fire out of the freshest of dung. Oh, and the tea I can make out of just plan ole leave off a tree, would set your mouth watering for the flat bread I can whip out just as fast.
I am not to bad lookin , I have this awful FWA that follows me around and the tinest of waist, with the ample pair of breast that would put Aphrodite to shame. I like to have my men strong of mind, as well as of brawn, and get out of  trouble without any spilt blood, THIS IS A BIG PLUS!!!! Also, a man that can make love anywhere, is my kind of man. Horse back is an interesting place and the rocks are not a hindernce, ya canna feel rocks when passion has taken ya by storm. I hope that ya like what ya read, maybe ya kin have a wee gander at me when ya pass by the barn while I'm milkin the cow, and ifin ya think ya can spare a min. or maybe an hour, I can help make yer mind up on whatin me instead of any other Lass that canna be as sweet to taste as I am.

Stacy G.

Dear Scottish Studmuffin,
I found your ad to be VERY intriging and feel as though I'd be your perfect match.  I, not only, have a FWA, but my friends would tell me that I have nice tits too.  I look pretty nice in my shift and simply ravishing in deerskin breeks.  As for your skirt, er..I mean kilt, I love it!! A man in full highland regalia is quite a breath taking sight.  A strong man weilding a broadsword is a big turn on for me.  You can also poke your dirk into me anytime too (oops...did I spell that with a "r"?). I too love spending time in the great outdoors.  I can ride well too....horses and so much more ;). I eat most things (especially sausages), can cook what ever you catch, and (my most worthy Scottish attribute) I LOVE whisky. As far as mmmpphhing goes, rocks are fine with me!!! I also enjoy mmmpphhingin heather, mineral springs, beds, and on wood floors (save for the splinters,of course).  I can teach you many things, face to face ye ken.  Ever hear about hedgehogs?
I'm a mighty fine healer too.  I'm especially good at repairing dislocated shoulders, knife wounds, gunshot wounds, and setting broken bones.  Just give me a wee basket with a few herbs and I'll work my magic. As for chasing lost causes, don't worrit yourself man.  I'll help find you again, every time.  I'd travel far and wide and go through time to be with you.  I'll be your hearts blood, my own, from now through the centuries. I look forward to meeting you.  You WON'T be disappointed.

FWA female
(aka: Jenner P.)
 

Since you dont have no stinking rules........I would like to place an ad in the Hoser Gazette too. I am also MSRM.......Married Sexy Redneck Male who seeks female w/FWA. Prefer FWA to be no wider than 20 inches, will accept 30 inches, but 40 is out of the question. I always wear a cowboy hat, Levi's and boots and enjoy "mmmpphhing" even with my boots on. The lady I seek must like gourmet restaurants like Bob's Big Boy or Burger King......she also must like the Rodeos, Demolition Derbys and Motorcycles. Prefer lady with good running truck and a steady job. Must be willing to ride in the back with the dog at times. Truck must have motorcycle tie downs and a 1-7/8 Ball for towing older trailer.

The Scotsman
Scotty

WWWWLLLLwFFFFWA,ertSSM-Seeks..........

Wonderful, wild, willing, wanton, lascivious, licentious, lusty lady with fabulous, fine, flawless, foxy wide arse eagerly replying to: single sexymale seeks ...................................

Ye say ye like tae hunt,
Weel I surely can be found.
Ye're apt tae Mmmmph on rocks,
I'm up fer any mound.
Ye camp aneath the stars at night,
Ye best believe "I'm there !"
Ye stand fer fey lost causes
I'd go wi ye anywhere.
Ye 're good wi dirk and broadsword
Of yere prowess, I'm in awe
Ye travel "light" and easy
Sae we'll just sleep in the "raw".
Ye roam aroond on horseback
God knows I luv tae "ride"
And as for cold and rainy
I'd be HOT with ye  aside.
Tis sure I am a strong lass
Can be "ridden" all the night,
My appetite is easy
For it's ye I want tae bite.
Sleepin's no a problem
Wi me ye'll no see some
I'll keep ye "up" fer hours
And ye'll c_  _e   &   c _ _ e   &  c _ _e.
 

I'm true a practiced healer
And me favorite color's red,
Especially when it's flowin'
From yer verra handsome head.
The scent of burnin' peat blocks
Tis an aphrodisiac,
Damp clingin' wool,  a vision
As it snugs yer fine braw back.
And as fer wearin' KILTS my lad
There's nothin I luv more
Gets me blood a pumpin'
And I turn intae a whore -
Which gi's ye all the freedom
Ye could ever, ever want
Tae bed me at yer will, me lad
When my fine wide arse I flaunt.
So please consider this response
There's nothin' I'd no do
Tae spend my wanton, wayward life,
In lust and luv wi you.

I think I answered all yer points
In the order ye did put them.
Tae finish off this bonnie note,
Me picture - tis  a gem! (from the "STONE" age!)
 

WendyM

Editor's note:  She was just too too cold, she needed a wee bit of plaid!

 Colleen o' the clan MacHoser

Editor's note: That's all your getting of that picture! Contact ColleenL  thats COLLEEN L. for the real one....let's just say it was more of a spread of an eagle that we could show on the board.....just tell Colleen you want to see it! :-)

My name is Aislinn and I would very much love to meet you and be the woman you are seeking.  After reading your ad, I take great pleasure (and I truly mean pleasure) in admitting to being all the things you are looking for.  I love nothing more than camping under the stars and bumping uglies on the rocks, and the thought of your great broadsword just sends tremors down my whole body which of course you can tell from my pictures that fairly scream "take me, take me!"  The thought of placing my fine wide arse in your
lap astride a horse on a cold wet rainy day is my lifes dream and of course I have the constition of a warrior and can eat anything (where do you think I got the fine wide arse from?).  I am known far and wide as a healer even though I am self taught, and the dreams of wrapping myself in damp wet wool with your long hair delicately brushing my breasts fills me with a need so great it would be hard to appreciate the musty scent of the peat fire before us.  Of course the fire we'd share between us would be much hotter and there would be no need for you to wear your wonderful kilt whenever we are together.  However I long to see you in it and watch it sway gently as you walk, tempting me to run my hand under it and feel your perfect bottom as a prelude to further carnal activities.

Please check out my album and make my life complete by telling me I am the lucky woman you are looking for.

Left to right:
Hi Scottish Stud Muffin, I just wanted to introduce myself!
 This is a view of my required fwa! Hope you like the rest of me too!
 Another fwa view, do you like it?
This is what my face will look like if you don't say you'll be mine forever!

Lady Aislinn

I only have one thing to say, there is a song (which I know you probably haven't heard) but the words are very meaningful...

"And the Northern Girls, with the way they kiss, they keep their boyfriends warm at night."

Just thought you might want to think on that during those cold Scottish nights.  Baby, you ain't seen nutthin yet!  (Neither  weather, nor creative ways to keep warm!)

Lots of warm lusty love,
Your Minnesota Muffin

 (L. DeAnn Z, to those in the know)
 

SSM seeks FWA

  After reading your ad I felt something awaken in me. I'm temporarily working in the U.S. and Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ are the men a bore!!! Nothing can compare to a strong, verile Scotsman with a verra large broadsword. I share many of your interests as I am a very strong woman who loves nature. I assure you I can endure long drives through the night and any other challenge offered to me. I would also like to mention the more  delicate side that enjoys other interests such as botany and sensuous trips to the hot springs. You may have seen me before. A few years back I did some modeling for a Scottish magazine-FWA WEEKLY (the Sassenach edition). It is a very reputable magazine, most of my male friends subscribe just for the articles!
 Anyway, I would love to spend some time getting to know each other. Maybe a Saturday night over haggis and wine?
Sincerely,

Aylotta Cheek
(pen name-Stefanie S)
 

Muffin of the Studdly-Scottish persuasion,
  I only have one word to say......"MMMMMMMPPHHHHH!!!!!!!" In the rocks,in my socks,amongst th' flocks,on the docks,to the hocks,in th' burdocks(hell ta git outa th' hair,tho).......you get the gist. I LOVE IT!!! Your personal habits are non-issues (as long as they don't interfere wi' the MMMMPHING). Hair color and length,no prob,we'll make a good pair. Wearin'a skirt ...kilt ....whatever,only increases accessability to the important parts.
Waitin' for your call,Sweeting...

~"Blackbird"~
 

Dear Scottish Stud Muffin,

I wish I had a scanner so I could send you a picture of me. I am 7'1 with long luxerious black hair and bright yellow eyes. I love basketball! I just love playing with those balls!!  My favorite part is stroking them with my long fingers. Did I mention I
have extra long Lee PressOn fingernails. Right now they're painted purple but I think I might change them to green! I also just get breathless when I have to pass those balls around and through my legs in order to get them in the basket. Dunking is one of my
favorite things!!
I'd really enjoy meeting you! Maybe I could teach you how to play basketball. Or you could teach me some other sport involving balls. Because if there are balls in it, I'll love it!! Please, ScottishStudMuffin, write me any time. Please send a picture of any balls you might currently own. I always judge my men on what their balls look like.
DawnK  (big beautiful basketball babe)
 

Dear SSM,
I wrote you once before and told you I was 7 feet tall. However, I have to confess, I'm actually only 2'2 3/4! I only said I was 7 feet tall because I wanted to impress you. Can you forgive me SSM? I know I am small but I'm dynamic! I'm a good thing in a tiny
package.I'm extremely flexible and I can fit in a lot of small spaces!! However, it has always been a fantasy of mine to BE the basketball. We could both get naked and try a game of "Sink the Ball". That's where you pretend I"m the basketball and try to dunk
me!!

What do you think SSM? Have I lost your love forever??
Dinky Dawn (AKA DawnK)
 

Dearest SSM:

You are in luck.  I just happen to be the mmmpphhingist equestrian you could have contact with.  I have an arse so wide you could put a tablecloth on it with a seven course meal and still have a spot to stick your dirk.  Not only can I eat anything, but I prefer it!  Eating anything is a hobby of mine, just look at my arse!  I can sleep on horseback, and It's not
unusual to see me peg sick people with aspirin as I gallop by on my frequent moonlit trail rides.  Red hair is an instant turn-on for me, even curly ones I find in my soup.  Can't wait to meet you, perhaps on a windy, rocky
hillside? The windier the better my kilt-wearing cowboy.  Reply soon!

The Peatfire Goddess.
aka TimbreWoolf

Holly G

In reply to your personal ad, first of all, let me say that long hard drives at night are one of my favorite things (if you know what I mean!).  I'm 5"11, with legs all the way up to my FWA, short blonde hair, and able
to do most anything I set my mind to!  Healing the sick, mmmmphing all night,  and the occasional wee dram of good Scottish whisky are all the things I love best.  Long red hair and kilts are mandatory on my men, and you sound like you fit the bill just fine!

Marti Fleming

Love,
Hedy The Tall Wench

The following might sound like a creative low, but then your charm has left me dazed, and trembling, and .... well ...Do not fret that I am one of these unworthy ladies who seem to favour Italian never-do-wells.  No, not me! I love muffins wildy, madly, deeply,
especially if it is a Scottish Muffin!!! And I love to lick the chocolate icing form
muffins. But why choose I tiny, wee thing like me? First of all, I have the finest WA you've ever seen (however, I didn't enclose a photograph; a girl should never give away all her secrets at once!), and then I'm quite strong and not
made of sugar, I grant you. Having survived a biking trip through a Bavarian  spring full of rain, hail, and snow, riding on horseback snuggled against YOU sound like paradise! I am afraid, though, that I'm not really good in handling dirks or broadswords (at least not ones made of steel), but then I can always butter up our enemies with my charm while you give them a good knock over the head!

I eat anything, can sleep anywhere (as long as it's with ... er ... beside you) and can heal the sick with herbs (and so far they've all survived the treatment). In addition my homemade shortbread is legendary and will melt on your tongue, I promise you! What can I say more now except: I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love
you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you a hundred thousand times! And I love kilts, too!
Yours forever and ever,

SandyS

PS: I would also be happy to chekc your spelling from time to time so that nobody can complain about it anymore!

Dear Mr. Studmuffin,
  I'm game for any kind of long, slow.....intimate drives you would like to do!!!!  I also can do a bit of driving myself.....just not well...so I do like a man who knows his way about! I thought that was the most pertinent of information!
  I love camping.....as long as I have a nice warm, hard male to sleep next to! I love horses....once again.....if I have that warm hard male riding as well!  In fact.....I'll eat anything, do anything.....ride anywhere.....and be thrilled with it..if I can have a look up your SKIRT......whoops I mean Kilt!!!!!!! KILT!!!!!!!!!!!

Show me the kilt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not original perhaps.....and my FWA is a bit scrawny......but.......I LOVE SEX!!!!!!!
In Lust!
Naughty Nancy

 I would love to relocate and I would be willing to follow you (closely) (very closely) into the wilds of the Highlands and you will find that I adapt easily to all situations.
 I have unusual and pleasing (ahem!) nursing skills and an attentive
and devoted bed side (also center) manner.
 I have a comfortable fat white arse suitable to riding horses and
Scotsmen (Oh, did you say fine wide arse? Well, whatever, that's what I got, all right.)
 Although experienced in the ways of love, I have never heard of Rourke, Morelli, Liam or Adrian Paul. However, you may contact fellow Scots, Sean C. for references if you wish.
I have no doubt that I will satisfy all your needs. Are you qualified to satisfy mine? If so, contact

 Lady Smoldering Embers (just waiting for a kilted flame)
aka Amberrly