Relationships Jokes


Note: These are jokes about relationships in general. Husband vs. Wife, Man vs. Woman, etc... Well, not ALL cut downs... some might be humourous. =P

A man is walking down a beach, and accidentally kicks a bottle out of the sand. He opens the bottle, and a genie appears.

The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one."

The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because airplanes are much too frightening for me and boats make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I can't do it. Imagine all the work involved. All the piling to hold up the highway needed and all the pavement. Ask for something else."

"Well," the man said. "I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick."

The genie considered this for a couple of minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
The other night, my wife and I were going out for dinner. She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and said, "Does this look natural?"
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Asia a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: "That happens in most countries, son."
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one gulp.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
-- Stephen Wright
3 guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."

The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.

The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."

The 3rd guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"
"William, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"

"That's great, honey! Should I pack for the beach, the mountains, or what?"

"Who cares? Just get out."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
Ponder this: If a man is walking in the forest, and there is no woman present to hear him speak, is he still wrong?
Son: "Dad? Who did i get my intelligence from?"

Father: "Well, you must have gotten it from your mother, cuz I still have mine."
THE RIVER

Three men are trying to cross a river. The first one prays and says, "Please give me the strength to cross this river." POOF! He grows huge arms and legs and swims across the river.

The second man prays and says, "Please give me the strength and ability to cross this river." POOF! A rowboat appears in front of him and he rows his way across the river.

The third man, seeing what the others have done, prays and says, "Please give me the strength, ability and intelligence to cross this river." POOF! He turns into a woman. At that point, she looks at a map, walks down the bank and uses the bridge to cross the river.