Dirty Jokes Page 3


Disclaimer: Children! Don't read on unless you're in high school! Otherwise I'll have to call your parents to tell them that you've been bad!

Tattoos...
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out lookin real good.

Then the woman instructs him to put a Santa Claus with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between thanksgiving and christmas."
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it?...Death.

What's that? A bonus?

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first; get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you are too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you are young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, party then you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back to the womb, spend your nine last months floating.....and you finish off as an orgasm.
If you think life is bad, how would you like to be an egg?
So cheer up. Your life ain't that bad!!!
One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. So the other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running.

The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.

The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran!!"
A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.

On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff.

The man gets off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."

To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"
A large, powerfully built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" By this point, she is aching for action.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
So, just exactly what is a BITCH?

B - BABE
I - IN
T - TOTAL
C - CONTROL OF
H - HERSELF

So ladies, next time somebody calls you a bitch, smile and say, "Thank You."
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking:
The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know.... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist"
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know.... Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you now....Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc."
One day a little girl goes up to her mom and asks her how old she is.
"That's not something adults like to tell," her mother replies.
Then the little girl asks her mother how much she weighs.
"That's not something adults like to talk about," she replies.
"How come you and daddy got a divorce?" the little girl asks.
"We don't like to talk about that either, honey." she says, ending the conversation.

The next day the little girl asks a friend about why her mother wouldn't answer any of her questions. The friend explains: "It's an adult thing. Just look at her driver's license, it's like a report card for adult's. It will tell you everything you need to know."

So when she got home from school she went up to her mother and said, "Mommy, I know how old you are."
"How old?" her mother asked.
"47."
The little girl said: "I know how much you weigh."
"Really?"
"Yeah, you weigh 135 pounds. And I know why you and daddy got divorced."
"Okay, why is that?" her mom said.
And the little girl replied, "Because you got an F in sex!"
Sex is like math, add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and hope you don't multiply.
Sex Education
Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious.He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind thecurtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did.

The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother."Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most ofthe lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must havethought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart,just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh ands quirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis layback and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.