Dirty Jokes Page 2


Disclaimer: Children! Don't read on unless you're in high school! Otherwise I'll have to call your parents to tell them that you've been bad!



On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined twenty dollars the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined sixty dollars. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of one hundred eighty dollars. Are there any questions?"
A male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
Some Pick-Up Lines (if you have some to add, e-mail them to me! =) )

Unsuccessful Pick-Up Lines =D

Husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
Well, then could you fix the 'fridge door? It woin't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the 'fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then you could at least fix teh steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to teh bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and deicdes to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters teh house, he sees the hall ight is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the 'fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd all this get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Helloooooo?? Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following element:
1. Religion
2. Royalty
3. Sex
4. Mystery

The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it!"
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asks, "Johnnie! What's your problem?"

Johnnie says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!"

The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to the principal's office and explained Johnnie's request.

While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie's teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

The teacher agreed. Johnnie was brought into the room. The principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie agreed.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnnie: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnnie: "36"
Principal: "What is 9 x 9?"
Johnnie: "81"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Johnnie appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Johnnie can go on to the third grade."

The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie's tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let *me* ask him some questions before we make that decision?"

The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie with a sly look on his face.

The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?"

Johnnie: "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open wide!

Before he could stop Johnnie's expected answer, Johnnie said, "Pockets."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "I think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I missed the last two questions myself!"
Two drug dealers had just been convicted and were about ready to be sentenced. The judge said to them, "your sentence will be based on your ability to get boys off of drugs. Go to the local high school and do your best to convince the boys there to give up drugs. The one that does the best will get the lightest sentence."

The next week, the two drug dealers are back in court. "So what happened?" said the judge.

The first drug dealer said, "I got 15 boys to give up drugs." "That's very impressive," said the judge. "How did you do it?" Well said the first drug dealer, "I put a dime and a quarter side by side. I told the boys to look at the coins. See the quarter? That's your brain before you do drugs. See the dime? That's your brain after you do drugs."

"Very impressive" said the judge.

When the second drug dealer told the judge he had got 200 boys to quit drugs, the judge was incredulous. "How in the world did you do that!" he said.

"Well" said the second drug dealer. "I put a dime and a quarter side by side. I told the boys that if they did drugs, they would get caught. Then I said, see the dime? That's your asshole before you go into prison. See the Quarter? That's your asshole when you come out."
From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it.

The moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and whispered, "Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine inches?"

There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said, "You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times in a row!"
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppos- itories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust. "What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man snee zes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenarate are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?" The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
A girl was a prostitute but didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was amongst the group. The police had all the prostitutes line up in a straight line. Along comes the grandma and sees her grand daughter. Grandma asks grand daughter, "What are you lining up for." Granddaughter, not willing to let grandma know the truth told her grandma that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. Grandma wanted oranges too, so she went to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes. When he got to the grandma, he was bewildered and asked, "You are so old, how do you do it?" Grandma (thinking he's asking her about how she can eat oranges) replies, "Oh, it's easy, i just take off my dentures and suck them dry.
A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket.

He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"

The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior snapped "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man!"

"Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, "I'm sorry to have come on so strong - I didn't mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and being told there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that the preacher settled on a donkey instead. The preacher figured, since he bought the animal, he might as well race it. To his great surprise, the donkey did quite well and came in third place. The next day, the racing sheets carried this headline: Preacher Shows Ass The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again, and this time the animal won first place. The paper said:

Preacher's Ass Out In Front

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper printed this headline:

Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass

This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the animal to a nun in a local convent. The next day, the headlines read:

Nun Has Best Ass In Town

The Bishop fainted. When he came around, he informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. The nun searched, finally finding a farmer willing to buy the animal for ten dollars. The paper stated:

Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks!

They buried the Bishop the next day.
A Japanese man walks into a bank in New York City, pushing a wheelbarrow full of yen. "I want to buy American dollars!" he say in a thick Japanese accent. "I want to buy American dollars!"

He is directed to the currency-exchange department, where it takes three men several hours to count all the Japanese money. When they finish, the bank officer hands the Japanese man a stack of U.S. currency, and says to him, "There you go, sir. That came out to eight thousand U.S. dollars."

The man smiles, bows politely, then leaves.

Two days later, the Japanses man enters the bank again, pushing another wheelbarrow full of yen. "I want to buy American dollars! I want to buy American dollars!"

Once more, he is directed to the currency exchange and after the men take several hours once again to count the money, the officer hands the man another stack of U.S. bills. He says, "Today that comes out to seven thousand five hundred dollars."

The Japanses man flies into a rage. "You're trying to cheat me!" he cries in broken English. "But you can't cheat me! I came in here two days ago with the same amount of yen and it came out to eight thousand dollars! I know how much it is worth!"

"Sir, you don't understand," the bank officer replies politely. "You see, the yen is just not valued as highly today on the world market as it was two days ago."

"You're trying to trick me!" shouts the man. "You think that because I'm Japanese I won't know the difference." At this point the man is shouting so loud that he is creating a scene in the bank. "You think that because I'm in a foreign country and don't speak perfect English, that you can take advantage of me!"

"That's not what it's about at all," says the banker, still trying to be patient. "It's about fluctuations."

The Japanese man points a shaking finger at the banker and screams, "No! Fluck you Americans!"
A Polish man is sitting in a restaurant when all of a sudden a woman at the table next to him begins to choke on her food. It has become lodged in her throat and she can't breathe at all. The people at her table all start to panic and don't know what to do, and the woman is beginning to turn blue.

Suddenly the Polish man leaps from his chair, runs over to the woman, pulls up her dress, yanks down her underwear, and starts running his tongue all over her bare ass. The woman is so shocked by this that she swallows really hard and her food goes right down.

The woman starts breathing again, and the people at her table surround the Polish man. "You saved her!" they cry with joy. "You saved her life! How did you know so quickly what to do?" they ask.

"Aw," says the Polish guy, casually, "that heinie-lick maneuver works every time."
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.