Dirty and Mean Jokes Page 1

Disclaimer: Children! Don't read on unless you're in high school! Otherwise I'll have to call your parents to tell them that you've been bad!

One afternoon, a guy goes strolling into a car dealership, and notices the car salesman walking towards him. The car salesman says, "Hello sir. How would you like to try our new car that runs simply on Vaseline?"
The man replies, "Vaseline?!? That's ridiculous."
Salesman says, "It's true. If you want to give it a test ride, here are the keys. But to let you know, the tank is only half full."
The man answers, "Alright."
So he then takes the keys and drives the car that runs on vaseline. He forgot about what the salesman had told him earlier, and soon enough, the tank showed up on empty on the dashboard. He was disappointed and began searching, and sees a house in the distance. So he starts walking towards it.

In the meantime, in the house, there was a family of four. The father, mother, and two daughters (both teenagers). As they were all being seated at the dinner table, the mother questions, "After we eat, who is going to do the dishes?"
The teenage daughter replies, "I have a date after dinner, so I won't be able to do the dishes."
The younger daughter replies, "I have some homework to do, so I can't do the dishes."
Then looking at the father, he couldn't give up a good enough reason, so he says instead, "How about this? Let's have a contest to see who can be quiet the longest. The first person to speak will have to do the dishes."

So they all agree, get up from the table and sit down in the living room quietly.
Now the gentleman arrives at the house. He walks up to the door and sees that the four people are sitting in the living room, and politely knocks the door. The mother comes up and opens it and says nothing.
The man greets, "Hello. My car has broken down and I was wondering if I could enter your house?"
The mother gave no reply so he decides that it was okay and lets himself in.

The gentleman then says, "Oh! That smells delicious," walking over to the dinner table. "You don't mind if I have a little snack, do you?"
And once again, the mother doesn't reply, and so the gentleman voraciously gobbles down on the food. He then walks into the living room where all four are sitting, rubbing his stomach with his hand, and says, "Ahh, that was a good. Do you mind if I go take a shower?" And since they never answered, he lets himself go upstairs to take a shower. He comes back downstairs with only a towel wrapped around his waist, and he had a sudden desire for pleasure as he looks at the teenage daughter. He asks, "I'm feeling a little horny. Do you mind if I go bang your daughter upstairs?" And with no objection, he was lead into her room, and "does" her for a while. As he comes back down the stairs, he then looks at the other daughter, and with no objection, goes back upstairs with her, and "does" her.

He then repeated this with the wife, and finally as he came back down, he suddenly remembers he needed to get fuel for his car, so he walks up to the father and asks, "Oh! By the way, do you have any Vaseline?" The father then replies in disgust, "FINE!!! I'll do the damn dishes!"
There were three men stranded on an island. They were captured by the natives, and approached by the chief who offered them three choices of punishment: Death or "Unga Bunga."

The first one thought "I don't want to die, I'll just choose 'Unga Bunga'... whatever that is."

So they took him to the jungle and shoved all sorts of crap up his butt...

The second guy when asked said "I'm too young to die! Anything is better than an early death, I'll choose 'Unga Bunga.' "

So they took him into the jungle and shoved all sorts of crap up his butt...

The third person, from the rumors floating around the village, knew what unga bunga was...He thought to himself Ugh, shove stuff up my butt? Heck no, I'd rather die!!!

"I choose death!" he proclaimed.

The chief smiled and announced "Death........"

".......... by 'Unga Bunga' !!! "
SHE WAS SOOOOO BLONDE THAT...

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where is says "Sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.
When she saw the sign in front of the YMCA, she said, "Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!"
She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".
Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? They're too hard to re-train.
What do you call 9 blondes in a circle? A dope ring.
Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't figure out how to fit the bottle in the typewriter.
What's the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4 way stop.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? "Toe goes in first".
What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios? "OH LOOK!!! Donut seeds."

The Blonde In The Library
A blonde walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!"

The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our phone book."
A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon.

The wife, being embarrassed by her husband's loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service with her and poke him when he nods off.

The next week when they were in church the husband, as always, fell asleep. When the preacher asked, 'Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?' The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, 'Oh my God!' The preacher said, 'That's correct.' And the husband sat down mumbling to himself.

He soon fell asleep again and when the preacher got to the question, 'And who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?' The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed, 'Jesus Christ!' And the preacher said, 'Right again.' With this the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act.

The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife when the preacher said, 'What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?' The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped up and exclaimed, 'If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'm going to break it in half!'
There is a mirror in a women's restroom in a restauraunt. If you say something truthful while looking into the mirror, you will receive 1 wish. If you say some that's not truthful the mirror will suck you in.

First this fine looking brunette walks in. She takes a look at herself in the mirror and says, "I think I'm the prettiest women in the world." And just like that she's sucked in. Next this amazingly beautiful brown-haired women saunters in, looks in the mirror, and says, "I think I'm the prettiest women in the world." Of course, the mirror sucks her in.

Next this fine looking, pencil thin black-haired women walks in, looks at herself in the mirror, and says, "I think I'm the prettiest women in the world." She's sucked into the mirror with the rest of them.

Then the cutest little blonde you've ever seen walks in, looks at herself in the mirror, and says, "I think..." And she's sucked in herself.
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, 'I'll take that bet!'

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said 'I can't take this, you're my friend.'

The blonde said 'No. A bet's a bet'.

So the redhead said 'Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money.'

The blonde replied, 'Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!'
MEMORANDUM
RE: Computer Software Warning

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 8.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine Sex.

Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.
Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket.

When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."

As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly.

My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of ...you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent"

"Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoons."
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool." says Bobby. Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, "Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening, kids!"

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

"Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!"
CARDS YOU'LL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:............. What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!............. Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you............ have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love......... After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life........... I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....... that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!.......... I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,......... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married............ but not to you."

"You look great for your age....... Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me......... Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend....... So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time........... What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you.................. It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy............... Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday--------- So we're having you put to sleep."