Clean Jokes Page 1
A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be
admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to
see if the guy is worthy.
St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his
brow and says to the guy, 'You know, I can't see that you
ever did anything really bad in
your life, but you never did anything really good either. If
you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED-- you're in.'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Yeah, there was this
one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant
group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my
car to see what was going on and sure enough,
there they were, about 50 of 'em harassing this terrified
young woman.
Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of
my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy
with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his
nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs
formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain
off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire
iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of
them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a
bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you
all a lesson in pain!''
St. Peter, impressed, says, 'Really? When did this happen?'
'Oh, about two minutes ago.'
Top 10 Signs Your Cat is Planning to Kill You!
1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
2. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your
bill.
3. He actually _does_ have your tongue.
4. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind
the couch.
5. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
6. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
7. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown
Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
8. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are
on.
9. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
10. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem.
So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in
her lounge chair.
He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?"
There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear
me?"
Still, there was no response.
Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you
hear me?"
She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people
predict the future with cards?"
His response was, "My mother can."
The teacher replied, "Really?"
The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look
at my report card and tells me what will happen when my
father gets home."
"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45
degrees for noise
abatement."
"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How
much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise
a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
Kid : Do you punish people for things they don't do?
Teacher: No.
Kid : Great! I didn't do my homework.
Sue told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for
fifty-thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Sue. Insurance
doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of
what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable
worth."
There was a long pause before Sue replied, "Then I'd like to
cancel the policy on my husband."
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist
capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators
kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the
tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for
years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward
the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of
the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got
'em."
Fun things to do at garage & yard sales:
1. Demand to see something that's not out for sale. When
they go to look for it, leave.
2. Ask for a 90% reduction in the marked price.
3. Walk around criticizing the quality, condition, color,
size, quantity, price and anything else about the merchandise. Leave saying "I've seen better junk at the landfill!"
4. Spend a lot of time picking up, fondling and walking
around with a bunch of stuff. When you get their hopes high
enough, put it all back and leave.
5. When not observed, switch or remove the price tags.
6. When you see a sale, go home, round up all the neighborhood kids and dogs, bring them to the sale and let them loose. Stay in the car and watch the fun.
7. When you see a sale, drive ever so slowly by. Go up the
block, turn around and drive sloowwllyy by again. Repeat a
dozen times.
8. Ask for food and drink.
9. Act like your lost. Ask for directions. Pretend you don't
understand.Leave cursing.
10. Pass 2 or 3 hours in inane conversation. Leave without
making a purchase.
11. Walk all over in their neighbor's yards. Peek at the sale
through the shrubbery. Ring the neighbor's doorbells. Ask
"Where's the garage sale?"
12. Pretend like you're going to buy a lot of valuable or
fragile items. Make them wrap them very carefully. After this
say "I've changed my mind" and leave.
14. Picket the sale with a sign that reads "Garage Sales
Unfair to Retail Merchants"
Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of
painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident,
you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."
This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.
The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why
don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get
the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred
cords of wood for you in one day."
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the
trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two
cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong
with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two
cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in
the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.
So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning
and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only
manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me
it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem.
I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to
himself.
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer
and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's
claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says,
"Hmm, it looks fine."
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man
responds, "What's that noise?
At a large college there was a football player that was
extremely stupid. He sat beside a boy in class that was
really smart and the teacher knew that he was cheating, but
he just couldn't catch him.
One day she was grading a test and she noticed that the smart
boy had written "I don't know the answer" on number 10.
So she looked at the jock's paper and smiled. He had finally
given himself away. His answer looked like this:
10. me neither
Fun Things to do in an Elevator:
- Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your
head.
- Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
- Shave.
- Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
- Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.
- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the
doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
- Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm
handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
- On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it
stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft
go "plink" at the bottom.
- Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: "I've got new socks on!"
- When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:
"Oh, not now... motion sickness!"
- Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your
nose.
- Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say
"oops!"
- Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
- Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
- Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce
"You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the
elevator.
- Leave a box between the doors.
- Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button
for them.
- Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers
"through" it.
- Start a sing-along.
- When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that
your beeper?"
- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce
to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
- Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable
host body."
- Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
- If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad
touch!"
- While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide
it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
Nice expressions to describe dumb people:
*Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
*A few clowns short of a circus.
*A few fries short of a Happy Meal
*A few Cokes short of a six-pack.
*A few peas short of a casserole.
*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
*One taco short of a combination plate.
*A few feathers short of a whole duck.
*All foam, no beer.
*The cheese slid off his cracker.
*Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the
heel.
*He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the
way down.
*An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
*As smart as bait.
*Chimney's clogged.
*Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
*Forgot to pay his brain bill.
*Her sewing machine's out of thread.
*His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
*No grain in the silo.
*Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
*In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little
further apart than most.
Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in
Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says,
"Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack
in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way
in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and
states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his
gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you
packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys,
passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other
information."
HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off
the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and
states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet
of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets,
and so forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up
the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia.
Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet
of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes,
and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is
missing. They groan - OH NO. He's a simpleton from the hills
of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something
stupid and blow their cover stories.
They spot him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm.
He walks up the registration table and states: "Foster Bean.
Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."
Golden Rules for Ensemble Playing
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim's
Grocery Store.
The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the
boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a
load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.
To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a
nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say,
because it's bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to
one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you.
They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the
nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or
what?"
Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing
it!"
Top 45 Oxymorons:
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works
Letter of Recommendation -
While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to management be
sent away as soon as possible.
Branch Manager
A second note following the report:
Mr. X was present when I was writing the report mailed to you
today. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1, 3, 5, 7,...
for my true assessment of him.
Regards,
Branch Manager
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of
him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has
made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like
my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I
can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye,
Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye,
Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his
total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel
room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a
bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,"
admittedthe manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd
be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy
snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the
room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on
the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all
night watching me."
When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a
restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a
nearby table.
Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved
his life.
As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again,
he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him
for his services.
"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.
"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have
offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"
Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has
already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional
liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs
down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the
"same" bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly,
refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again
offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment
angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the
while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of
the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits
and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and
emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be
served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be
called immediately.
Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless
anguish, cries -
"MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?!"
Fred was drinking at a bar and the bartender came over to tell him he had a telephone call. Fred had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone to drink it. So, Fred wrote a
little sign and left it by his beer that said:
"I spit in my beer."
When Fred returned to the his bar stool there was another note
beside his beer:
"I spit in your beer too!"
Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "you
know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee
jumping service in Mexico." Joe thinks this is a great idea,
so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a
tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico
and begin to set up on the square.
As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work. When
they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it
would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps.
He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up,
Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls
again, bounces again and comes back up again. This time he
is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again
and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up.
He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily Joe catches him this time and says, "What happened?
Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No,
the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd... WHAT THE HECK IS
A PIŅATA?"
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
1. "Oops."
2. "Rats, I forgot my glasses again."
3. "Dang it, not again."
4. "Hey bring that back!! Bad dog. A human bone is no toy for
a dog!"
5. "Someone call the janitor, we have a BIG mess again."
6. "Shoot, I can't get my arm out of her back. Were going to
have to cut it off."
7. "And now we place the ape's brain in the subject's body."
8. "That's cool! Can you make his leg twitch?
9. "What? They're missing that too? Oh well, I guess we'll
have to try how to remember how to do surgery."
10. "What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?"
11. "Oops. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff
before?"
12. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Shoot- the guy's
got two of 'em."
13. "Could you stop that thing from thumping, it's throwing my
concentration off."
14. "You forgot what he was in for? Oh well, let's surprise
him."
15. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
16. "Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?"
17. "Hand me that...uh...that uh....thingie."
18. "Um, is this thing supposed to be moving? Cause I think
it's about to choke the patient."
As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
them !!!"
The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists
had to say.
"Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourself."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the doctor.
Some of the younger male relatives tried to looked shocked, but all the men nodded as they thought they understood. A few
actually smirked, but the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice.", said the head of the
neurological team.
"Women's brains have to be marked down because they have
actually been used."
A Kindergarten student was sitting at his desk making funny
faces at anyone that would watch.
The teacher came by and saw what he was doing and said calmly,
"Billy you had better stop doing that, your face might stick
that way."
Billy stared back just as calmly and said in reply, "I guess
you learned the hard way."
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to
each other on a flight from LA to NY. The
lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun
game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a
nap, politely declines and rolls over to the
window to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists and explains that the game is easy
and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some
sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says,
"Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay
me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I
will pay you $500.00." This catches the
blonde's attention and, figuring there will be
no end to this torment unless she plays,
agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's
the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into
her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it
to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your
turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill
with three legs and comes down with four
legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his
laptop computer and searches all his
references, no answer. He taps into the air
phone with his modem and searches the net
and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends
and coworker, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and
hands her $500. The blonde says,"Thank
you", and turns back to get some more
sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed,
wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's
the answer?" Without a word, the blonde
reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer
$5.00, and goes back to sleep.
In most "civilized" countries, the automobile has replaced almost every god.
A 16-year old comes home and says "Dad, I just got my driver's
license and would like to use the family car."
Father replies, "O.K, son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, keep the yard trimmed, and cut your hair. Come back when you've done all of that."
A month passes and the son approaches his dad, report card in his
hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"
Father replies, "But son, you didn't cut your hair."
Son says, "But, Dad, Jesus had long hair."
Father replies, "Yes, son, you're right. And he walked everywhere
he went."
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man
is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to
punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."