DISCLAIMER: I don't own them,
they all belongs to Tolkien. Ect, Ect , Ect.
(N=Narrator L=Legolas
H=Haldir)
(N)The tapping of computer keys, snickering, and mumbling is
heard from behind a door. Inside you can see two blond men with pointy
ears.
(Did you say pointy ears? Yup, I said pointy ears. Now quit
interrupting. Sorry.)
(N)Listening closely you can make out what they
say.
(L) Can you imagine the look on Aragorn's face if he was here to
read this stuff?
(H) I don't know I think he would find it a nice
distraction from all the whining.
(L) She wasn't that bad.
(H) She
wasn't as bad as your wife. I found her to be totally unbearable. She never let
him have any fun. She always seemed to think someone was after him .
(L)
They WERE after him .
(H) Only that one chick. What was her name
again?
(L) I don't remember . What does it matter anyway they're all
dead.
(H) True. ( You hear a door open, and the sound of women
talking.)
(L) We better not get caught reading this or we'll be
dead.
(H) I don't know I think Mandos would be a nice reprieve from the
slave drivers we're married to.
(L) They would just follow us and make us
miserable there to.
(H) No wonder we volunteered for every out of town
job we could find .*G*
(L) At least we have it better than Celeborn . Our
wives don't know what were thinking all the time.
(N) A feminine voice
yells through the door.
LEGOLAS ARE YOU READING THOSE STORIES AGAIN?!?! I
TOLD YOU THAT DWARF WOULD BE A BAD INFLUENCE ON YOU. FIRST IT WAS GALADRIEL IN
PLAYBOY,THEN>>>(Nag Nag Nag)
(L) No Dearest, I was searching for
a present for you on ebay.
*Yelling Stops* That's fine then.
(H)
*Snickers* Now you have to buy her something.
(L) *Sigh* I know. Mabye
one of those gags we keep reading about.
(H) *L* And some handcuffs to go
with it.
(L) Mabye it will hold her long enough for me to pack and escape
for Gimlis.
(H) You can't go there that's the first place she'll
expect.
(L) Your right. .
(H) What about Elrond's?
(L) No
he was stupid enough to get married to. What about Glorfindel?
(H) You
want to hide not have an orgy.
(L) Ohhh right. *Sigh* Mabye Gandalf. He
can protect me.
(H) That has possibilities. Maybe I should buy a set
to.
(L) As long as Galadriel doesn't see what were plotting.
(More
typing and mumbling.) (N=Narrator L=Legolas H=Haldir)
(N)Legolas stands washing dishes as
Haldir walks in smirking.
(L) Don't say a word.
(H) *Gives an
expression of mock hurt* I would never harass my best friend about how he has
turned in to a wuss.
(L) One of these days you'll be married and I can
laugh at you!
(H) I think if I was going to get married I would have done
it by now. Like when Galadriel offered to marry me.
(L) I still think
you're making that up. I would have thought it would have been Celeborn paying
you to marry her.
I think they are doing much better since they got in to
that BDSM or BSMD what ever it is it makes him feel a little better. Speaking of
that. did you order those things. Yes... I did . * Thinking* I just haven't
decided when I should give them to her.
I bet you 20.00 you never give
them to her. I think you're afraid.
(L) Did you forget that I was the one
who was out fighting to save everyone while you were laughing at people in
Lothlorian?
(H)*L* You should have seen you're faces . I think your just
mad because we caught you. Anyway you haven't done anything like that uin a long
time. You can't even stand up to your wife.
(L) I CAN TO!!! By the way
you can't come over next week.
(H) Why not?
(L) My mother in law
is coming over and my wife says she doesn't want any of my low life friends
around.
(H) Ohhhhh no your wife doesn't control you * L* Well while your
sitting here sipping tea we'll be having a party at Gimlis. You know dwarves
aren't as bad as I thought they would be.
(L) What party?
What
does it matter you can't go you have to stay here to be your wife's
slave.
(L) I'll be there !!!
(H) Yeah sure. Don't forget to bring
your clothes you'll probably not be allowed back in for a long time.
(L)
* Grumbles, wiping his hands on a towel.* You just wait I'll be there . and I
bet she doesn't say a thing .
(H) * Tosses Legolas his jacket * Come on
let's go.
* The two walk out * N=Narrator L=Legolas H=Haldir C=Celeborn E=Elrond Gl=glorfindel
G=Gimli)
(N) A week later.
*Legolas grabs the pack that he has
packed and places the note on the table. He snickers as he sneaks out to his
motorcycle and rides off towards Gimlis.*
30 mins later.
*Legolas
parks and walks in to Gimlis. Shocked expressions appear all around.*
(H)
I can't believe you actually made it!!
(L) I told you I would!
*L*
(H) How did you convince her to let you come?
(L) Ummmmm.... I
left a note.
(H) What did it say?
(L) That I was being sent on an
important mission by Lord Celeborn.
*Haldir chews his lip biting back
laughter.*
(L) What is so funny?
(H) Ummmm Celeborn called saying
he couldn't come...something about having to polish Galadriels
mirror.
(L)* groans.* Maybe she won't realize what is going
on.
(H) Face it you are going to be living on your own when she finds
out. If you're lucky you'll have some clothes.
(L) I brought some with me
just incase.
*Elrond walks in with Celebrain looking a little surprised
to see Legolas.*
(E) Legolas... I didn't expect to see you
here.
(L) Err...ummmmm...
(E) I was just at the in-laws and heard
Galadriel speaking *Cough* yelling at Celeborn about sending you on a secret
mission with out asking your wife first ...He looked a little mad.
*Phone
rings *
(G) Telephone Legolas. I have never heard Celeborn sound so
pissed.
*Legolas pales picking up the receiver.*
(L) Lord Celeborn
...good to hear from you....
(C) WHAT WERE YOU THINKING TELLING YOUR WIFE
I WAS SENDING YOU ON A MISSION!!!!!
(L) I didn't tell her I left a
note.
(C) JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE HAVING TROUBLE WITH YOUR WIFE DOESN"T MEAN
YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE REST OF US MISERABLE TO. IF YOU EVER GET ME IN TROUBLE WITH
GALADRIEL AGAIN I WILL HAVE HER PUT A TORTORUS SPELL ON YOU!!!!!!!!!*Receiver
slams down*
(L) Well that went well...*hanging up the phone*
(H)
Here your going to need this.*Handing Legolas a drink.*
*Legolas nods
sipping it when suddenly there is a slamming of a car door out side.*
(E)
Legolas...your wife is here and she is throwing a bunch of stuff in a pile..oh
wait now she is.... oh my I hope you brought some clothes* A bright orange glow
radiates through the window,*
*Legolas runs over looking out at the bone
fire his wife has made of his possessions in the front yard. as she blows him a
kiss and drives off.*
(H) You can crash at my place... I don't think you
should go home.
(L) Ya think really ? I though she just bbq'd everything
I own because she was happy with me.
*Sighs plopping in to a chair with
his drink contemplating what it will be like to be single and how much he is
going to have to pay his lawyer on Monday. *
(N) An hour and several
bottles later.
(L) You know Elrond had I been you I would have just
pushed Isildur in to Mt Doom. It would have saved so much trouble..
(E)
Were you not so drunk and homeless I might take offense at that.
(L) I am
not drunk . *Standing and falling backwards.*
(Gl) Oh no he's not
drunk.....
(L) The next person who says I am drunk I am gonna kick their
ass...
(GL) I am telling you you are drunk. If you really want to fight
go ahead.
*Legolas goes to swing and Glorfindel lets go.*
(L) I
can still kick your butt even if I am drunk.
(GL) Come now maybe
tomorrow.... A more fair fight...
*Legolas suddenly slams his fist down
on Glorfindels toes.*
(GL) *effectively he kicks Legolas .*
OW!!!!!!
*Suddenly Haldir and Gimli jump on Glorfindel in retaliation for
Legolas.*
(E) I think it is time to go ...*Leading Celebrain around the
brawl and out the door.*
(N) The next morning groans resound all around
the room. The occupants of the room all bruised and hung over begin to
wake.
(H) *Sits up banging his head on the pool table. * AHHHH!!!!!
*Grabbing his head he fall back down banging his head on the floor. *
Fuck!!!!
(GL) Stop yelling or I am going to send you to
Mandos....
(L) Where are my clothes?
(H) You threw up on them
..... and I think Glorfindel tossed the rest in to the bonfire
outside..
(L) *Groan*
(GL) Serves you right...
(H) I will
bring you something back .... Then you can come to my place till you get a place
of your own...
(G) Well despite all the bad it was a great
party.
*All nod* (N=Narrator L=Legolas H=Haldir R=Rumil O=Orophin) (N) Rumil walks in to his
room, pausing to look at the figure in his bed, wearing his clothes on top of
it. Sighing heavily he grabs his clothes and heads down to take a shower.
Groaning noticing Orophin stopped in for a visit and has the couch. Afterwards
he heads to Haldir's room.
(R) Haldir! Wake up!!
(H)
What?
(R) Why is Legolas in my bed wearing my clothes?
(H) Because
my clothes didn't fit and I wasn't going to give up my bed.
(R) Where am
I going to sleep?
(H) The floor where else.
(R) I don't appreciate
you just giving my bed away.
(H) He was having a bad day.
(R) Then
give him your bed. He is your friend. Knowing you you probably instigated it
anyway.
(H) *Feigning hurt* I would never try to get my best friend in
trouble.
(R) Well you either get Legolas out of my bed or give me
yours.
(H) *Throws a pillow at Rumil. * Go to sleep brother, We'll talk
about it tomorrow.
* Rumil walks out the door and down to the kitchen and
grabs a bucket of ice water. Walking back to Haldir's room hearing him snore he
smiles as he tosses the bucket over him, making sure the bed is verrrry
drenched. *
(R) Now brother we can both sleep on the floor.
(H)*
sits up wet and shaking with barely contained anger. * I think you will have a
bed tonight brother. * Tackles Rumil. *
* Arms and legs flail as the
brothers roll around the floor beating the snot out of each other. Orophin and
Legolas run in looking at each other and then at Rumil and Haldir. Quickly they
pry them apart. *
(O) What is going on?
(R) Haldir gave my bed
away!!
(H) He threw water on me!!!
(O) Why don't you both go and
crash on the floor. It is to late to worry about this now.
(R) But
he...
(O) No!! If I have to break up another fight I am going to knock
your heads together then maybe we can have some peace!!!
*Haldir and
Rumil drag their sleeping bags out glaring at each other. Plotting their revenge
in their mind. *
(N) Legolas walks out of Rumils room to see Orophin
putting shaving cream in the palms or Rumil and Haldir.
(L) I think I am
going to go apologize to Lord Celeborn maybe I can stay there. I know he has a
spare bed for when Galadriel kicks him out of theirs.
(O) *Smirks* Come
now Legolas surely a little sibling rivalry is not enough to send you
away.
(L) A little, no. This however is turning in to war.
(O)
*Nods* Nothing like a little Nostalgia.
(N) Legolas quickly leaves before
Haldir and Rumil wake up. Two Elves and a Computer.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own them,
they all belongs to Tolkien. Ect, Ect , Ect.
I tried to update sooner but
I actually got some sleep. For some reason this is just impossible to write if I
am able to think coherently. Thanks for the reviews I was pleasantly
surprised.
(N=Narrator L=Legolas C=Celeborn )
(N) Two hours
later.
(L) Legolas stood at Lord Celeborn's door. Hand poised to knock.
No I can't. He's mad..*Dropping his hand * But If I don't then I am going to be
stuck living with Haldir.
(C) Then why don't you just go apologize to
your wife?
(L) *Jumps at the voice behind him* Are you trying to scare me
to death?
(C) I doubt you are going to die from fright * opening the door
and pushing Legolas inside.* Now we do need to talk about you getting me in
trouble.
(L) I am really sorry about the Celeborn.
(C) *Punches
Legolas in the stomach. *
(L) *Falls to the floor holding his stomach*
...
(C) I forgive you then. But don't let it happen again.
(L)*
Climbs to his feet. * I came *cough* to ask you if I could borrow your spare
bedroom.
(C) I would loan it to you Legolas but I think I will probably
have to use it for the next couple thousand years. It seems that someone has
been causing my wife to be verrry irritated with me the last few days. *Glares
at Legolas and mutters something incoherent.*Clothes..Litilda..Me ..
(L)
Surely the Lady would not be so cruel.
(C) *Raising a brow* How long have
you been married Legolas?
(L) About 1,500 years now..
(C) And was
it not your wife who set everything you own on fire?
(L) Well ..Yes I
suppose it was.
(C) Women are vengeful Legolas . You should know this by
now.
(L) What should I do? I am sure she is still mad.
(C) Buy her
flowers and Jewelry. And just incase that doesn't work wear your Armour beneath
your clothes. Speaking of clothing. Why are you wearing my shirt?
(L)
This is Rumil's shirt .
(C) *Mutters* I should have known.. Always trying
to get me in trouble.After all I've done for them no less.* Rolls
eyes*
(L) If this doesn't work out what should I do?
(C) If you
live through this and she doesn't take you back then I would find a place of
your own. Something where she won't set it on fire.
(L) Wise advise like
always.*Leaves *
(C) I think it is time to pay a little visit to Rumil.
*EG * (N=Narrator H=Haldir R=Rumil O=Orophin C=Celeborn)
(N) Rumil and Orophin
can be seen typing at the computer mouths open.
(R) Wow.that was..
Ummm.
(O) Yes it was.ummm. We should show it to Haldir..
(R) I
don't know I don't think.
(O) Of course he would. He has been terribly
upset since they killed him off.
(R) I think if you show him that it may
kill him f Of course he would. He has been terribly upset since they killed him
off.
(R) I think if you show him that it may kill him for
real..
(O) I don't know. He was always fond of Lord Celeborn.
(R)
Not that fond of him..
(O) Hmmmmm.. maybe not..
(N) Meanwhile a
face appears in the window.
(C) I will teach him to steal my shirts.
*Leans in to listen glaring at Rumil who is wearing another of his shirts.
*
(R) I wonder what Lord Celeborn thinks of these stories.
(O) I
think he would be flattered. L
(R) I somehow doubt it. Although it would
give him something to distract himself.
(O) I think he has plenty to
distract himself with. He has Galadriel after all.
(R) * L*
(O)
What is so funny?
(R ) You must be the only other person besides Celeborn
who doesn't know.
(O) Know what?
(R) Galadriel has been sleeping
with Erestor for the past 200 years.
(O) Erestor? * Shocked look* I don't
believe it
(C) WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!* Forgetting he is hanging on to the
window he lets go. *
(N) *There is a crash and an loud yelp from out side
the window as Celeborn falls in to the rose bushes below. *
(O) I don't
think it is a secret anymore! *Rushing over to the window. *
(N) Celeborn
stands pulling some of the thorns out of tender places
(C) That's it I am
going to become gay!!!!
(O)* Sticking his head out. * Lord Celeborn what
a pleasant surprise!!!
(C) I AM GOING TO KILL ERESTOR!! AND WHY DOES
RUMIL HAVE ALL MY SHIRTS?!?!
(O) I don't know but I will find
out.
(C) I will be back for them!! *Storms off*
(O) Rumil.Why do
you have Lord Celeborns shirts.
(R) Galadriel gave them to me. She said
they looked cuter on me. *EG*
(N) Haldir arrives pausing at the
conversation before opening the door.
(O) You didn't did you??
(R)
Only once.
(O) And was Erestor there to?
(R) Oh no It was
Alindra.
(N) The door opens suddenly.
(H) Did I just hear you say
you slept with Galadriel and Legolas's wife.
(R ) Maybe.
(H) At
The same time?
(R) Possibly..
(H) Are you stupid?!
(R) No
just drunk and horney.
(O)*Tries not to laugh * Well this has turned in
to a most interesting day.
(R) *Trying to quickly change the subject *
Did you hear about the newest story we read brother?
(H) I don't want to
and quit trying to change the subject.
(R) But it was you and Treebeard.
It was lovely brother.
(H) *Groans * Will the torture never end. Is there
anyone I haven't slept with in people's evil imaginations?
(O) Well you
haven't slept with Asfaloth.
(H) Who did that?
(O) Arwen* shrugs.
*
(H) Well it's nice to know I have a little dignity left.
(R)
Erestor won't have much left when Lord Celeborn finds him.
(H) How did he
find out?
(R) He was spying on us while we were talking about
it.
(H) Well I should tell Legolas before he does something
stupid.
(R) Are you sure that is a good idea?
(H) *EG * I think it
is a good idea Rumil.
(N) Orophin sits shaking his head staring at more
fanfic as another fight ensues between Haldir and Rumil. (N=Narrator H=Haldir L=Legolas C=Celeborn)
(N) Legolas Celeborn and
Haldir all sit at the bar at Bernies Bar and Grill. All three sipping their
drinks.
(C) I can't believe that my wife was sleeping with
Rumil.
(L ) I can't believe that my wife was sleeping with
Rumil.
(H) I can't believe that Rumil was sleeping with both of your
wives at the same time.
(C/L) HUH!!!
(H) Did I not mention
that?
(C/L) NO!!
(H) OOPS!! Well at least neither one of you got
an ax through the back.
(C) Don't tell me your still upset about
that.
(H) A little.
(L) I wonder if anyone else was sleeping with
our wives?
(H) I somehow doubt it. Everyone else is afraid of
them
(N) They all three nod.
(C) Let's go play up the river down
the river. I have a new apartment. We can go there.
(L) I'll invite
Gimli.
(H) I'll invite Glorfindel.
(N) All stand and
leave.
(Authors note: If you need a description of up the river down the
river email me or wait for the next chapter. ( Had some trouble with this
chapter obviously I am getting to much sleep. ( ) (N=Narrator H=Haldir L=Legolas C=Celeborn G=Gimli Gl=Glorfindel )
(N) 4
drunk elves and an amused dwarf sit around a table.(No this is not the start of
a bad joke.) Playing cards sitting out amongst shot glasses and several bottles
of liquor.
(C) Ok Haldir drink one and gimli drink ...seven
(N)
Gimli downs all seven looking at the elves still trying to pour their
shot.
(G) You might as well give up. This is the one area in which
dwarves are undeniably superior to elves
(GL) If I could walk I would
kick your ass for implying dwarves are more superior at anything compared to
us... except for maybe mining
(G) It is ok Master elf ... I am not
offended. You will be the one with our hammers pounding in your head
tomorrow.
(H) Where did you get this stuff Legolas?
(L) *Lifting
his head from his hands* I ...borrowed it...
(C) From whom?
(L) My
father...
(C) He let you take some of his booze.. That is most
generious.. Why didn't he come? *Standing and stumbling*
(L) Well I
didn't tell him I was borrowing it...Do I look stupid?
(GL) More and more
every time I seem to be around you lately.
(H) We should play twister or
something.
(G) Hmmm Twister with four drunk elves. No thanks.
(N)
A crash is hear and then obxnious giggling.
(GL) I haven't seen Celeborn
this drunk since his... well since his bachelor party.
(H) Well that
explains why he got married.
(C) *Stumbling back in * Hey it wasn't my
fault. Gil-galad challenged me..I couldn't let him win.
(GL) He did win.
He's not married.
(C) He died...
(GL) That is nothing compared to
being married to Galadriel. Besides he's back now.
(N) All nod and start
another round
Note: Up the river down the river is a drinking game. It is
played with a standard 52 card deck. Everyone gets 4 cards. Then cards are laid
down and if your card matches then you have to do what you are on. Drink one,
drink two, drink three, and drink four. Then you work your way back. Give away
one, give away two, give away three, and give away four. (N=Narrator H=Haldir L=Legolas)
(N) Six month later. Legolas and Haldir
are sitting in front of Legolas's computer.
(L) Well, my divorce is
final. I am finally free! Go me!
(H) Cool!! That means we won't have to
worry about your wife torching your clothes anymore!
(L) Speaking of that
we are having a party this weekend. We should invite Lord Celeborn. He hasn't
partied since Gollum fell in Mt.Doom.
(H) I don't think he can come. He
and Galadriel made up. *Grinning*
(L) Isn't love wonderful?
*Chuckling*
(H) Yup and he got all of his clothes back from Rumil. Who I
believe s tied up somewhere till Celeborn remembers to let him go.
(L)
Sounds like you need a new roommate then.
(H) Already taken care
of.
(L) Who?
(H) Glorfindel.
(L) Good choice..
*Nodding*
(H) Elrond said we could hold the party at his
place.
(L) Celebrain is so different from her mother.
(H)
Celebrain is different from MOST women!
(L) True..
(H) Orophin
said that.*Staring at the screen*and Gimli had a thing going!!
(L)
Remember Helms Deep. I have an ax!
(N) And they all lived ever after
although some were much happier than others. Oh and I was threatened with my
life to add these notes. "No one slept with any ents, None of the elves slept
with any dwarves, and Galadriel is a very sweet and caring person and she is not
scary. If you don't believe her then she will personally come and put a curse
upon you."
