Part 1

Posted: November 2003
Title: Pain, Loss, and Survival.
Author: Iamme
Type: FPS
Rating: NC-17
Cast: Haldir
Beta: Alex
Disclaimer: We do not own nor do we profit from the use of these characters.
Warnings: Mentions and flashbacks of rape. Possible slash in the future.
Summary: Haldir returns to the Golden Woods to heal. Sequel to CaptiveTwin Companion Piece to TwiceThe Pain

*****

Haldir rode towards Lorien as fast as he could. He just wanted to be home. He wanted to forget all that had happened in Imladris. His physical wounds had healed and he was trying his best to conceal the ones that were making his soul bleed. As he rode across the border, he was greeted by an elf jumping down in front of him. "Mae govannen, Haldir." "Mae govannen, Rumil." "How was your trip to Imladris?" "It was well but I am glad to be back in Lothlorien. I am going to go home and clean up and then go speak with the Lady. I have the books she sent me after. " Rumil nodded. "Then I will see you in two weeks." He frowned watching his brother leave. Something did not sit well but he would wait till later to speak of it once they were not surrounded by their fellows. Haldir nodded and headed off for home. Haldir took in deep breaths of air. He was at least within the borders of home. Still there were two more days till he would reach the city. All he wanted was a bath and to be in his own bed, where he would be safe from the eyes of the world and to vent his sorrow. He moved through the forest at a steady pace, hoping to cut some time off of his trip.

**

The sun was setting in the west when he stopped for the night. He led the horse to a small pond set up along the way for them to drink from. He pulled out the little pouch of powder and mixed the last three doses into the remaining water of his flask and drank it, again he did not feel like eating, he only wanted to sleep. To sleep forever. Maybe this time he would fall asleep and never wake. The guardian spread out his bedroll and lay down waiting. Then the darkness came. Only this time, he did not sleep peacefully. He felt his stomach tightened in fear and nausea threatned to overwealm him as his nightmare played out over again.

**

"You are a snake. You can't have him," he said as he forced his hard cock into Haldir's tight opening, made tighter still by his fear. He rammed his way past any resistance that the tight ring of flesh gave. The blond closed his eyes and Elrohir slapped him. "Look at me. What do you see? Do you see *his* face? Would you like it if he took you this way? Would you moan and cry out his name over and over?"

**

Haldir woke with a scream and rolled over emptying the contents of his stomach into a basin that had been set beside the cot. Cot? He could not remember how he had gotten there. He was in a room, no longer in the forest. A cool hand brushed his hair back, keeping it out of the foul liquid he had expelled. There was no food to be found in it as he had not eaten in days. None of that seemed to matter, not the burning trail in his throat, not the hot tears rolling down his face. All that mattered is he was here forced to endure another day.

Part 2

*****

Haldir woke with a scream and rolled over, emptying the contents of his stomach into a basin that had been set beside the cot. Cot? He could not remember how he had gotten there. He was in a room, no longer in the forest. A cool hand brushed his hair back, keeping it out of the foul liquid he had expelled. There was no food to be found in it as he had not eaten in days. None of that seemed to matter, not the burning trail in his throat, not the hot tears rolling down his face. All that mattered is he was here, forced to endure another day.

The pained voice just added to his aching about how much pain he had caused others as well as himself, "Tell me gwador, what has brought you to such a state? And do not tell me a story that I will be able to see through Haldir."

Haldir looked up to see Orophin staring down at him, his eyes dark with anger and worry.
"Please, gwador; I do not know how to tell you. Nor, do I truly want you to know."

Haldir curled in on himself and tried to ignore Orophin when he was jerked around and forced to face him.

"Nay! You will tell me! You will tell me now! Rumil and I were scared to death, Haldir. You almost entered Mandos. What has brought you so low? Tell me so I can help you."

"There is nothing you can do for me! Do you not see it? I would be better off dead!"

Suddenly Orophin struck out, slapping him across the face. "Never let me hear you say such things ever again, Haldir of Lothlorien!"

The look Haldir gave his brother could have easily killed had it been a weapon. Slowly the guardian stood on shaky feet but determined to escape his brothers prying. "I am leaving, Orophin, I want my own talan.”

Orophin stood there gaping at his brother in disbelief. "You swore we would stand together no matter what, Haldir; there was to be no secrets between the three of us. Do you remember that? Perhaps, it was simply a pretty idea to comfort a scared and grieving elfling and your word meant nothing that night. "

Haldir spun and faced his brother, “You would not understand, Orophin! I can not make you understand!" His eyes met Orophin's as he whispered, "I do not want you to ever be able to understand!"

Orophin nodded, "Fine. I will not understand, but you need help, Haldir, please.... I am begging you to let me help you."

Haldir closed his eyes and let his body sag against the door of his room. The numbness had worn off and now he simply did not want to continue on. Only his love for his brothers kept him here. He opened his eyes, looking at Orophin's pained expression and knew he deserved something. "Something bad happened, gwador, something I never thought I could do what I did or what happened could or would happen to me.”

Orophin gave a slight nod and walked over pulling Haldir into his arms, "Whatever it is, gwador, we can over come it. You, Rumil, and I. We can help you if you will let us. "

Haldir looked away, feeling tears starting to flow and scaring Orophin and Rumil who had just appeared in the door. They had only seen him cry once and that was when their parents had died. Yet even that failed to shock them as much as Haldir's whispered confession, “First I raped Elladan, well, not exactly, but it was close enough that I am forever ashamed of myself then; I was raped by Elrohir..I was raped by the grandson of the Lord and Lady and there is nothing I can do to change any of it now."

Orophin and Rumil looked at each other in disbelief before they both took Haldir in their arms and rocked him as he had done for them years before. Orophin vowed secretly to avenge his brother.

 

Part 3

Author: Iamme
Authors Note: I need to thank Laebeth Lavindule for her in put on this. :)

******

The Lady Galadriel had requested Haldir's presence the next morning. He went, knowing that he would be able to hide nothing from her.

Orophin and Rumil escorted him as far as they could and then they waited.
Haldir walked in and saw his Lady, her face gentle and patient as always, waiting. Haldir knelt before her. He could feel the light brush of her inside his mind and shame colored his face. He knew that she was aware of all that he had done and all that had been done to him.

Galadriel walked down and lifted his head so she could meet his eyes,
studying him.

She felt the anger rise inside that one she would entrust with her family would do such a thing, yet in the end he had truly not meant to harm her grandson and for that, she could not fault him though it was an unwise decision. Still he would have to be punished.

"Haldir of Lothlorien, I cannot believe you have done such an act against another being, much less one you were sworn to protect. Were it not for what my grandson has done, I would banish you. I will be speaking to him as well should I get the chance. You will leave for the Northern Borders in three moons time. I will expect you to make wiser decisions in the future though. I know what is to become of you and this is not the behavior I will tolerate from you ever again. I expect undying loyalty and wise decision making from this moment on. I will be able to forgive you later Guardian but, I do feel it will take a long while."

Haldir felt the hot tears rolling down his face, his voice barely above a whisper, "Of course, M'lady. I am sorry."

Galadriel wiped his tears away with the brush of a hand, "Go now Haldir, time heals all wounds if we allow it, this shall be no different."

With that, she turned and Haldir hurriedly returned to the comfort of his brother's waiting arms.

***

That night the three brothers sat around, sipping their wine and saying very little. Haldir packed what few things he would need before dinner and all was ready for his leave on the morrow.

Orophin was walking back and forth, arms crossed, lips pressed together in a tight scowl. His anger burned for the dishonor that had befallen his brother. He was glad he was not in Imladris or they would have already had another kin slaying on their hands.

Haldir sighed as his brother paced for the hundredth time, making him feel even wearier, the anger permeating the whole talan. "Gwador, please, sit down. You make me weary with your walking."

Orophin spun on his heals and looked at Haldir glaring daggers, "This is wrong, Haldir! You are being punished for something that was done to you. "

Haldir stood and walked over to his raging sibling, placing a hand on the tense shoulder. "I am being punished for what I did, Orophin. I was wrong; do you not see it?"

"And what of Elrohir, Haldir? Will he get nothing for what he has done?"

Haldir shook his head and looked his brother in the eye. "I know not, Gwador. Neither is it for me to decide. It is up to the Valar. In my experience, we all pay for our choices. I doubt this will be different."

With that, Haldir hugged his brother and turned for bed, he had a long walk ahead of him in the morning.

Orophin looked at Rumil and nodded. They had both secretly agreed they would join Haldir on the Northern borders as soon as they could arrange to do so. He would need them and they needed him as well.