The self injury started when I was 15, but I was depressed years before that. The problem is, when you are young nobody listens when you say you are depressed. Its like its a thing you cant have till your older, so I kept it to myself. I had read loads of things that say teenagers suffer from depression when they hit puberty. So I thought that was it. I didnt know you are not supposed to hate yourself everyday for years. In school I got bullied a bit. I was the type who never fitted in, that anyone will pick on. Infact nobody noticed me till I had time off school because I was too depressed to go. My parents found out a few months after I started. I had become quite good at hiding it but one day I went to my friends house, god completely drunk and had to be carried to bed. I couldn't undress myself so mam did it for me. Must be every parents nightmare, undressing your drunken daughter to find her arms covered in cuts.So the following Monday they took me to my GPs, who referred me to a CPN called Pauline. She was lovely, gave me loads of support and put me on anti-depressants. In time I stopped cutting myself and went back to school.
About 2 years ago I started feeling down again, started cutting. It was my way of coping. Except things came to a halt in November 2002, it didnt help anymore, nothing did. So I overdosed. Luckily and obviously I survived. My doctor realised how depressed I was, he referred me to a psychologist, who was a God-send! Everyone thought she couldnt do her job, as she didnt see the cutting as a problem, she wanted to get to the reasons behind my cutting, which is what I needed, someone to look past the cuts. She opened up alot of doors in my head which I had forced shut, I started having memories about my uncle abusing me, it wasnt nice having this memories and having to break it to my parents - but it got easier, as when I did, I wasnt carrying it anymore.
So right now i'm coming up to 20. A day I thought i'd never see! I'm still seeing my psychologist. I've got a job with a few people i've opened up to, one person there helped me to trust people again, helped me more than I could ever expect. I got a few friends who know and are supportive, my parents understand me a lot more and I got one fabulous sister who i'm a lot closer to now and who I love to bits! I met Annie and Laura about a year ago and even though we've never met they still continue to support me and make me smile which is not an easy job at times!
I'm slowly getting there! |
