Usually, anyone playing the vampire role is a female, despite the fact that even if vampires were real, a woman vampire wouldn't scare anyone anyway. Think of all the movies, stories, and video games with female vampires. There are none. Why would there be any in real life?
Who would want to be a vampire anyway? They are merely a cross between a human and a leech. OOOOOOOH! Scary! Please. Just give up this bullshit. No one is buying it and you are only succeeding in making yourself look like more of a dumbass than you actually are. Vampires are just losers who've been sucked into a black hole of stupid.
These people actually think they are vampires. Not to worry, because I am a vampire-slayer. I know how to defeat these evil, soulless, prepubescent morons and I am willing to let you in on some techniques in the ancient art of vampire hunting:
- Carry a silver cross and wave it around in her face. Vampires are weak against crosses, and she'll probably run away, but if you do it long enough, she will eventually come around. This is a difficult technique, and probably for the more advanced vampire hunter, so if it doesn't work, try one of the techniques below.
- Put a sign on her locker that says "Jesus loves you." She'll flip out and think it's "creepy" while she sleeps in a coffin and brings books on the occult to school. This is more effective if you have a picture of Jesus, because she probably won't even touch her locker again.
If you're crept out by Jesus, who "loves you", how can you say you like bats and spiders? Vampires blow.
- When she refuses to put her hand on the Bible in a court case skit in history class and says "God isn't real", respond with "Neither are vampires, idiot." She'll probably cry, no wait, vampires can't cry.
Shit like this pisses me off. I don't care whether you believe in God or not, but it's not like I can't touch a copy of Lord of the Rings because the people in that aren't real. If you are an atheist, what is the problem with touching a Bible? People are stupid.
- Get a bottle of holy water from a Catholic Church. Or tap water, it won't make a difference here. When your target approaches, dump the holy water on her. She won't know what's going on, but when you tell her it's holy water, she'll act like she's melting (Vampires are weak against holy water, play Castlevania). Let her act go on for a few minutes, then tell her it wasn't really holy water. When she stops, she'll probably say something like "Oh, I was just joking around." That's your cue to tell her that it really was holy water. You've got her at this point.
The best part of this method is that you've exposed her bullshit by forcing her to contradict herself, and you've suceeded in proving that she isn't a vampire. If she doesn't know that vampires are weak against holy water, there's a good chance she's not a vampire.
- If all else fails, kick her ass. If you lose you're a pussy, but if you win, you've proven that she's not a vampire because a "mere mortal" could never defeat a vampire. A quick jab to the face will do, just watch out or the fangs. If you are bitten, you will become a vampire too. Be careful.
You are now ready to be a vampire hunter. Use these techniques wisely and rid your school of these bloodsucking leeches.
I hate vampires.
