Thoughts Of the Day

Hard work never killed anyone, but why give it a chance?

Employment tip #127: Never take a beer to a job interview.

The problem with the rat race is, even if you win, you're still a rat.

Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service.

In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.

Communism is man's exploitation of man. Capitalism is just the opposite.

Debate politics with a fern. If you lose, refuse to water it.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool.

Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're in class in your underwear during a fire drill.

The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Bad spellers of the world untie!

When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with green, baggy skin.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Join the Army. Meet interesting people. Kill them.

Make God laugh - plan for the future.

Don’t get even. Get odd.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much.

Don't be sexist. Chicks hate that.

Give blood. Play hockey.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

He who lives in a glass house should change in the basement.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

People in glass houses should not throw stones. Neither should they nail up pictures.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

When you fall off a horse, don't get back on, because the horse probably doesn't like you.

Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail friends!

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Procrastination: The art of keeping up with yesterday.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Never pet a burning dog.

Never argue with a man carrying a water buffalo.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!

Never eat yellow snow.

Always remember to pillage before you burn.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

They say the grass is greener on the other side, but have you ever flipped it over?

Ignore reality. There's nothing you can do about it.

Life is spent between episodes of women being mad at you.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

Half the people you know are below average.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Life is short. Start with dessert.

Life's short and hard. Kinda like a bodybuilding elf.

Give a man a match and he'll be warm for an hour. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Inquiring gnomes want to mine!

37% of Americans agree that while they would hate being British, they wouldn't mind having a British accent.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Sheep don't fly so much as plummet.

Crime doesn't pay, but the hours are good.

A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Be alert! The world needs more lerts.

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run. He hates that.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

I like feminists. I think they're cute.

Christmas is weird. It's the only time of year when we love to sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of our socks.

Remember, it's the thought that counts. Think money.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Tact: The ability to describe others as they see themselves.

Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ethernet (n): something used to catch the Etherbunny.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

I think animal testing is a terrible thing. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist.

To err is human. And stupid.

Love thine enemies. It really pisses them off.

Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither of them works.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

You can make a plan foolproof, but you can’t make it damn-foolproof.

If all else fails, there's always delusion.

The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.

Inside every big problem is a small problem trying to get out.

Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.

If something cannot go wrong at all, it will go wrong in a very spectacular way.

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

Life is like an analogy.

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of rubbish into it.

You can only predict things after they've happened.

I have all the answers. It's just that most of them aren't right.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

If at first you succeed, try not to look astonished.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

Death is nature's way of saying "Howdy!"

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls down.

Never hit a man when he's down. He may get back up.

Smile. It makes people wonder what you're thinking.

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Don't think of it as being outnumbered. Think of it as a wide target selection.

Never use your blinkers when driving. They only give away your next move.

Sex is like air - it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Reality is nothing but a crutch for those who can't handle delusion.

Change is inevitable. Except from vending machines.

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how does Teflon stick to the pan?

Sex is kinda like pizza. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good.

Man cannot live on bread alone. He must also have peanut butter.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the real poo!

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Corduroy pillows: they're making headlines!

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

All your base are belong to us.

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If you shoot a mime, do you have to use a silencer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?

If you try to fail and succeed, what have you done?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

All generalizations are false.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If God sneezed... what would you say?

I took a shower once, but I didn't know where to put it.

Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

The naked man fears no pickpockets.

Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

The trouble with life is that there's no background music.

Do not insult the crocodile until you've crossed the river.

Diplomacy: the art of letting others get what you want.

I used to be a kleptomaniac, but I've been taking something for it.

Never trust a smiling cat.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

Do baby penguins wear water wings?

Are insomniacs horizontally challenged?

Why is it that when we say someone has the mind of a child we lock him away, but children are allowed to run free?

Birds of a feather flock together. Then they poop on your car.

If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?

What do chickens think we taste like?

Try to imagine a world without hypothetical situations.

Do fish get cramps after eating?

If all the world's a stage, where does the audience sit?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else!

We have enough youth. What we need is a fountain of smart.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

Avoid hangovers. Stay drunk.

Stupidity should hurt.

Never walk into the pet store after spilling catnip down your pants.

I've always been afraid of clowns. I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my father.

You don't have to be faster than the bear. You just have to be faster than your friends.

You can't roller-skate in a buffalo herd.

Cogito Eggo Sum - I think, therefore I am a waffle.

Never attribute to malice what can be easily explained by stupidity.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

I live in my own little world. But it's okay, they know me here.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now that's a message!

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, why are there so many dead rabbits on the highway?

If the lame leaped for joy, wouldn't that hurt them more?

If the Hindus are correct and all creatures experience reincarnation, what do bad cockroaches come back as? Politicians?

It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.

Remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

Never argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

Work hard and do your best. It'll make it easier for the rest of us.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall. But what if they fall on me?

Help fight shapism. Befriend a trapezoid.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

If God had intended for us to use the metric system, He would have given us ten fingers.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you haven't tried before.

How do you throw away a garbage can?

If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you?

If Milli Vanilli falls in the forest, does someone else make a sound?

If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconuts, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

If Wile E. Coyote could afford all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Walt Disney World: a people-trap operated by a mouse.

It hurts to admit when you've made mistakes. But if it's a big enough mistake, it only hurts for a second.

Every dark cloud has a silver lining. It's called lightning.

Remember, it's ritualized stupidity that separates us from animals.

I like long walks. Especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.

If you're going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

I wish there were a knob on the television to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called "brightness," but that doesn’t work.

I'm not afraid of flying. I'm afraid of being 35,000 feet up in the air and suddenly not flying.

There are only 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Canada - great place. They started a country and no one showed up.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

When in doubt, always hit them with a larger mallet.

I seem to have gotten all the right answers, but for all the wrong reasons.

If there's a problem that violence doesn't solve, you're not using enough of it.

Never ask a 3 year old to hold a tomato.

Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.

You'll never know how fast someone can run until you set them on fire.

Some people are like Slinkies. They're not really good for anything, but you can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything free yet?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

42.7% of statistics are made up on the spot.

The problem with troubleshooting is that, sometimes, trouble shoots back.

I think a church with a lightning rod shows a decided lack of confidence.

Man who catch fly with chopsticks should eat in different restaurant.

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Transvestite: a guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.

I want to be able to trust people more. That means I have to be able to throw them further.

The Buddhist hamburger joint: they'll make you one with everything.

I'm not afraid of heights. It's depths that get to me.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, you probably won't either.

Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

If you cut off a glow-worm's tail, would it be delighted?

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke off.

Some people just don't know how to drive. I call them "everyone but me."

Take time to smell the roses, and eventually you'll inhale a bee.

I have animal magnetism. When I go outside, squirrels stick to my clothes.

Question authority. They usually know where the bathroom is.

I childproofed my house, but they still got in.

When I was born, I was so surprised that I didn't talk for a year.

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

I planted some birdseed once. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once... or twice...

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Everyone is always trying to kill time. Ironically, time kills us first.

Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

I plan to get my master's in "the whole world is against me, and I can prove it mathematically."

When you play God, play to win.

There's an old Irish proverb that says pretty much whatever you want it to say.