Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars.

During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent ..."

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."

There’s silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: "Okay, now what?"

A man goes for a holiday to Jamaica. His wife is on a business trip and is planning to meet him there the next day. When he reaches his hotel, he decides to send her an e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her web address, he does his best to type it from memory. Unfortunately, he misses one letter, and his note goes to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checks her e-mail, she lets out a piercing scream, and falls to the floor dead. Her family rush into the room and see this note on the screen: "Dearest wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. P/S: Sure is hot down here."

A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, there’s a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom." The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks: "Is it serious, doctor?" The doctor replies: "Yes, I’m sorry to tell you that it’s the tip of the iceberg."

"You’re a high-priced lawyer! If I give you 500 dollars, will you answer two questions for me?"

"Absolutely! What’s the second question?"

A new teacher is trying to make use of her psychology course. She starts her class by saying: "Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’’

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher says: Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?

Little Johnny replies: "No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself.’’

Well, you see, there are basically three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those that can’t.’’

As a funeral train passes by a golf course, a golfer on one of the greens stops, stands to attention with hat held over his heart as the hearse goes by. Then he goes back to lining up his putt. His playing partner remarks how that was the nicest gesture he’d ever seen, to show such respect for the dead.

The first golfer sinks his putt and says: "Well, she was a good wife for 16 years."

Why is television called a medium? It is neither rare nor well done.

A guy phones the local hospital and yells: "You’ve gotta send help!

My wife’s in labour!" The nurse says: "Calm down. Is this her first child?"

He replies: "No! This is her husband!"

What do you call a woman who can balance four pints of beer on her head? Beatrix.

A priest conducts a service in church. "The person who puts the most in the church collection box can choose three hymns" he says.

The collection box comes back after being filled up and he finds that someone has donated $1,000.

"Who has donated a thousand?" he asks.

A women raises her hand. The priest invites her to the front and tells her to choose three hymns. Pointing at the three most handsome men in the church she says: "I’ll have him, him and him."