Subject: What the Doctor Says and What He Really Means ?

• "This should be taken care of right away."
  "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."

• "Welllllll, what have we here..."
  Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

• "We'll see."
  "First I have to check my malpractice insurance."

• "Let me check your medical history."
  "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."

• "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
  "I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this will take too long."
  -or-
  "I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."

• "I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
  "I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."

• "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."
  Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.
  (Proctologists also say this a lot.)

• "We have some good news and some bad news."
  The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.

• "Let's see how it develops."
  "Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."

• "Let me schedule you for some tests."
  "I have a 40% interest in the lab."

• "I'd like to have my associate look at you."
  "He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune."

• "How are we today?"
  "I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell."

• "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
  "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea."

• "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
  "I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."

• "That's quite a nasty looking wound."
  "I think I'm going to throw up."

• "This may smart a little."
  "Last week two patients bit through their tongues."

• "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
  "I can't remember your name, nor why you are here."

• "This should fix you up."
  "The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms."

• "Everything seems to be normal."
  "I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."

• "I'd like to run some more tests."
  "I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."

• "Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
  He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.

• "Why don't you slip out of your things."
  "I don't enjoy this any more than you do, but I've got to warm my fingers up somehow."
  -or-
  "I haven't had a good laugh all day."

• "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
  "I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week."

• "There is a lot of that going around."
  "My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this."