RSPW Cast Members Updated Oct 31, 2001 Okay, here it is, the "Moment You've Been Waiting For". Draz put a lot of time and effort into these and I die every time I see them. If you're not listed, then you'd better get hot and make a name for yerself bub, because if you ain't on this list, you ain't nobody. The Artwork is by Draz, as are the Bios. Trust me, there's a LOT more coming. If you don't see your name or likeness on here, why not drop us a line and remind us who you are, and we'll get you up here as soon as we are able. Remember kiddies, there's lots more fun planned, so stay tuned and check back frequently. Once we got the page *up* it's a supereasy thing to simply add more of them as Draz churns them out during some particular inspired moment. CastMember Face/Heel What's the Deal With This Guy/Gal? Krusty Face He's the Head Clown in Charge (H.C.I.C), posts in spasms whenever he's free and not doing anything else. Not seen around rspw since getting out of school and getting a real job, but still keeps up appearances Drazic Face Better known as Drazic, The #1 Sickboy, this young scamp from England has shocked the world with his legendary tales of rejection, and messianic tendencies . Bitter to the core and as sick as unzipping your grandmother to find a laughing, naked Tom Arnold inside, he is also the founder of the official RSPW chatroom, and coined the phrase "The Chad". Bob Barnett Face The world's most famous tape trading lawyer, Bob Barnett is perhaps better known as the ex-manager of Vampiro. Vamp's buddies ICP took Bob through an extensive squat program, which left him with the leg strength comparative to that of a human flea. He uses this power to jump onto Bob Ryder's roof at 3am every night, before leaping away once the sound of sirens hits his delicate eardrums. Jeff "Fro" Wahlman Face Fr0 1$ 4 L337 |-|4x0r \/\/|-|0 \/\/1LL 0\/\/n0r J00. I'm serious, Fro is not to be trifled with, the internet is his playground and stories of his deeds are oft talked about in IRC rooms. I heard he once /whoised someone. That's right, look afraid. Fro also believes that Vince reads his booking ideas on RSPW, as well as reading his mail and using a special Satellite high above Connecticut that steals all of the booking ideas out of Fro's subconscious brain. Vince also spies on him in the shower, but who can blame him, what a hot piece of ass. FunkyM Face Funky is the youngest regular on RSPW, at a mere six years of age. He shows wisdom and macking beyond his years however, and is rumoured to have banged Mariah Carey, Stephanie McMahon, and Mama Fratelli from The Goonies. Funky has two ears. "Mean" Marc Ash Face Marc Ash is the $hiller extraordinaire, I challenge you to find a post where he isn't spamming his atrocious website. Ash is also the only RSPWer to be featured in this years PWI 500, although I heard from an inside source that he bribed his way by walking backstage at a local Smackdown taping brandying an empty Pringles tube filled with spinal disks. MaxDaAxeJD Face Laid back Vegas mackdaddy, Maxwell D. Axe rocks the body that is RSPW with his no-shift-key-who-cares-about-spelling approach to posting. Max once sellotaped himself to priest for a month in an attempt to create a new extreme sport. Did it catch on? Of course it did there daddy cool, in fact Max has created dozens of sports throughout his life, including baseball and sex. NickNiner Heel Nick Niner is an experiment that went horribly, terribly wrong. Created in a lab by the foremost scientific minds of our generation, Niner is a heartstopping amalgamation of everything that ever made you cry. He went to the zoo one day and broke into the chimpanzee enclosure. Niner strolled over to the tiniest ape with a sadistic grin on his face, slammed that monkey to the floor and squatted over it. He then commenced to empty his bowels onto the poor screeching ape until its unformed monkey back broke under the weight. All the time this was happening, Nick never once broke eye contact with the zookeeper, never once looking away, his steely simian-backbreaking gaze looking right into the very soul of the terrified man. He then very calmly pulled his pants back up and walked out of the zoo, passed the astonished onlookers as though nothing had happened, while the zookeeper cradled the tiny dying feces-covered monkey in his arms. This, my friends, is the entity they call Nick Gilbert. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to shower and make myself clean again. Brute Face LOOK AT ME EVERYONE, I'M BRUTE, I LIKE DVDS AND THE BIG BOSSMAN. Not really, but that's what I'd say if I was Brute. That, and how I like to whistle into men's asscracks. Dave Lawrence Heel Ah, Dlaw, ubergeek, one time king of RSPW on IRC. The bespectacled wonder just disappeared off into the sunset one day, like so many stolen Buffy DVDs, never to return. Sometimes, if you listen carefully, you can hear Sickboy late at night, sobbing in front of a candle, praying that he might some day return, so he can again be labelled a speccy c*nt. Dave Z Face Everyone's favourite bedridden Canadian, Dave has a penchant for homoerotic quitlines and was fifty percent of the first RSPW related sexual encounter. if you forget about The Chad phonediddling with Max that is. Once caught punching a goat, then running out into the street and weeping like a tiny child. Alex "dink" Cain (T)weener Little, dumb, different. Like a childsized window to Emmet Gulley's past, our Dink is quite the usenet "legend". Maybe one day him and The Chad will finally give in to those suppressed sexual desires, and we can all get some peace. Tony "Drk" Nelson Heel Supposed legit worker, Tony "DoRK" Nelson was exposed as a twelve year old backyard wrassler with an almost impressive collection of printouts forming the imfamous "Wall Of Becks". Due to a tragic birth defect, Tony urinates through his eyes. Ghid Heel What do you get when you cross a vampire, a wheelchair and an incestuous fantasy? No, I'm afraid it isn't a joke. Lying, leg-challenged raconteur Ghidzilla, actually pays money to pretend to be a vampyre in chat rooms. He is also RSPW's most suave man, and was voted as the 1974 Prosthesis Wearer of The Year by readers of Mong Magazine. Hulka Mega Face Immeasurably popular RSPWer, winner of every poll, tournament, and wet t-shirt contest ever held on RSPW, Hulka R Maniac is a fine example of what every young poster should strive to be. His weapon is a broadsword, which does 10 hitpoint damage with each strike ILOVEUWxx Mega Face The almighty 2x, the world's most powerful and immense man. Hung like a T-Rex, 2x was the real life inspiration behind the Jesus character in the popular publication "The Bible". John "Netbastard" Henry Heel Known affectionately by ex-girlfriends as "stumpy", John Henry has led a colourful life both online, and in the real 3D world. Currently on an absence from RSPW and running a new site which consists of the words "ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JOHN A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JOHN A DULL BOY" typed over a hundred thousand times. Katie Poo Face Found herself over with the RSPW crowd by having a coveted set of female genitallia, her oft hinted at relationship with sickboy is nothing but filthy rumour. She smells like those slinky springs that go down stairs, and her special skills include breathing and forcing people without cancer to have chemotherapy. Peg (Not Pat) Face As a child, Peggy always wanted a dog, but her parents steadfastly would not allow it. Undeterred, she made her own dog out of scraps of food found on the floor and the discarded eyelashes that clogged up the gutters of local beauty parlours. She can currently be seen dragging this bizarre mix of egg and 'lash around the backstreets of Florida. Pete Panaro Heel Who cares. Heatless twat. Rob "Heelgod" Face Former D|sciple, Rob exudes warmth and kindness with his boyish grin. However behind that grin lies a darker side, a side that sees him climbing into your mother's vagina and riding her down the street like some kind of fleshy freeway kayak. Warning: Rob contains nudity and parts that may choke. Rockboy Face Canadian performance artist Tim "Rockboy" Rockerson is well known in his hometown for his interpretation of the Battle Of Culloden, expressed via smashing a giant bread phallus, and crawling across the ground screeching like a gibbon until he bleeds from the ears. He also invented the rhyming couplet of "hands in the air" and "just don't care". Smorelock Face The token "jolly fat man", Smorelock's claim to fame is getting TOSed for posting the infamous "Gwen Stefani's Ween" log then lying to his parents about it. Lying makes Jesus angry, very angry. See you in hell with Malcolm Jamal Warner, you evil little man. Stoneco864 Face Stoneco is a perennial #rspwtalk regular, and cousin of near legendary king of the geeks: CactusBix. Stoneco's favourite film of all time is "Groundhog Day" "I like when they repeat everything" bleats the irc star. He invented hair. Stone Golym Heel One time successful troll, chubby-chaser Stone once kicked the crap out of the monkeyfaced guy from NKOTB in a club, but has since paid the price with ten years of sleepless nights regretting the incident. Stone is the only RSPWer to have worn his hands to the bone through something other than stem gratification. Stuart Max Face Don't be fooled by his geeky exterior, STUART has a violent temper and the strength of twenty men when enraged. Was once banned from the DVDVR chatroom for forcing DEAN~!~11! to perform a "soundcheck" on his groin-mic, as he calls it. Tentacle Porn Face Draz's run-in buddy and all 'round bad mutha, TP is the star of a failed sitcom pilot about a man who travels through the alleyways of Minnesota strapped to the back of a shouting spitting hobo. His girlfriend found him so repulsive, she had his semen injected into the balls of another man so that she may carry his child without having to ride on his stink-wand. "The Chad" Bryant Heel Ned Beatty is currently lined up to play the Chad in a movie about his pesudo-life. The plot involves Beatty raping and murdering an entire class of under sixes, poisoning the water supply to North America, defecating onto passing old ladies and raping Martha Hart on Owen's grave while wearing a Blue Blazer mask before telling a stunned press conference that the world had been yanked and any reaction at all to his behaviour was purely due to them being fawning markboys. Expect "YHBT" in cinemas around the globe at no time soon. Vinny Mega (T)weener With more faces than Pol Pot's garage, ViNNY has made a career out of pasting back and forth to anyone with a monitor and optical nerves. Rumoured to have an army of child criminals under his wing, like a chubby Fagin from Oliver Twist . "We are an army", he can sometimes be heard yelling from his 5 acre mansion. Terrifying words I think you'll agree.