"Today is the Tomorrow you were so worried about Yesterday."

"Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"

"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"

"I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead"

"Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat"

"Democracy is three wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for lunch."

"Bigamy Is Having One Wife Too Many. Monogamy Is the Same"

"Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt"

"Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control"

"If You Can Read This...Kiss A Teacher"

"I Yell Because I Care"

"If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There"

"Procrastinate Now"

"Rehab Is for Quitters"

"Reelect Nobody"

"My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse... She Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse"

"Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?"

Everybody repeat after me..."We are all individuals."

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"A good pun is its own reword."

"For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain"

"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory"

"Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?"

Tskilegwa says "Striders: Gaia's SUVs."

"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film."

"Save the whales. Collect the whole set."

"A day without sunshine is like, well, night."

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory."

"When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty."

"Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it."

"Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't."

"I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe."

"He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged."

"He's always late. His ancestors arrived on the June Flower. "

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you. "

"Honk if you love peace and quiet."

"Pardon my driving, I am reloading."

"Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?"

"Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool."

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."

"He who laughs last, thinks slowest."

"LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

WE ARE MICROSOFT. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED

"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it."

"According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist."

WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.

"Nuke the Whales!"

"When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout."

"If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk."

"I still miss my ex-wife. But my aim is improving"

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

I can't go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

"Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy"

EARTH FIRST - We'll log the other planets later

It's not the pace of life that concerns me; it's the sudden stop at the end.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun

I would eat my heart out.. and I am trying to cut down on red meat

if I die before I wake I pray hell is a fun place

If you blow my mind, I promise not to think in your mouth

Connection Reset by Louisville Slugger

DOS means never having to live hand-to-mouse

Gravity: Not just a good idea, it's the law

Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots

Erection reset by beer

I wanted to be a comedian but everyone laughed at me

I may be getting older but I refuse to grow up

Diplomacy: the art of saying `nice doggy' convincingly, while you're reaching for the nearest, biggest rock.

Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol

A fool and his money are soon parted but memories of the orgy will last a lifetime

God sides with the heaviest artillery

90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at

Pi R Squared? No. Pie R round, Cornbread R square!

Who stopped the payment on my reality check?

Nothing is as strong as gentleness or as gentle as strength

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.

Boldly going nowhere

Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

Baby, I'm like milk. I'll do your body good.

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Conformity obstructs progress.

I believe in a god which doesn't need heavy financing

I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.

Lawyers: The larval form of politicians.

Let him who is stoned cast the first sin.

Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.

when God created men, she was only kidding.

Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. --William Butler Yeats

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. --Ambrose Bierce

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven... --Brian O'Rourke

A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

Smile, it's the third best thing you can do with your lips.

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Isn't is a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do a 'practice'?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

I dont need Cybersex! Windows goes down on me all the time...

One bright day in the middle of the night, two dead men got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. Now if you don't believe my story's true, why ask the blind man who saw it too.

"Every Night and every Morn Some to Misery are born. Every Morn and every Night; Some are born to Sweet Delight, Some are born to endless Night." - -William Blake "Auguries of Innocence"

Ummm... where are we going? and why am I in this handbasket?

Things Men Wished Women Knew #1. Crying is blackmail.

Things Men WisWomen Knew #2. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

Things Men Wished Women Knew #3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

Things Men Wished Women Knew #4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

Things Men Wished Women Knew #5. Get rid of your cat.

Things Men Wished Women Knew #6. Anything we said 6 or 7 months ago is inadmissible in an argument

Things Men Wished Women Knew #7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

Things Men Wished Women Knew #8. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

Things Men Wished Women Knew #9. You have too many shoes.

Things Men Wished Women Knew #10. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

Things Men Wished Women Knew #11. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.

Things Men Wished Women Knew #12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

Things Men Wished Women Knew #13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Things Men Wished Women Knew #14. Yes, No are perfectly acceptable answers.

Things Men Wished Women Knew #15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Things Men Wished Women Knew #17. Sunday = Sports

Things Men Wished Women Knew #18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Things Men Wished Women Knew #19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

Things Men Wished Women Knew #20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

Things Men Wished Women Knew #21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Things Men Wished Women Knew #22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

Things Men Wished Women Knew #23. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Things Men Wished Women Knew #24. You have enough clothes.

Things Men Wished Women Knew #25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.

Elf Pick up Line Number: 1. "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig."

Elf Pick up Line Number: 2. "I can get you off Santa's naughty list."

Speeding Excuse Number 1. I was just making sure that your radar gun was working properly. 88 MPH, you say? Yep, it's in perfect condition.

Speeding Excuse Number 2. I'm sorry, officer, but I'm rushing my wife to the hospital. Where's my wife? Damnit, I knew I forgot something!

Speeding Excuse Number 3. I'm employed by O.J. Simpson and I'm in hot pursuit of the real killer.

Speeding Excuse Number 4. Don't talk to me, officer, talk to K.I.T.T.

I want you to have my children (pause) GREAT! They are in the car outside..

You might be a malkavian if: Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

You might be a malkavian if: You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.

You might be a malkavian if: Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

You might be a malkavian if: You wear your aluminium deflector beanie (IE: tin foil hat) in the shower

You might be a malkavian if: You wonder if white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

You might be a malkavian if: You wonder if someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

You might be a malkavian if: You wonder why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Home is where you hang your @.

The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

Great groups from little icons grow.

Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

Too many clicks spoil the browse.

The geek shall inherit the earth.

There's no place like home.com

Don't byte off more than you can view.

Fax is stranger than fiction.

What boots up must come down.

Virtual reality is its own reward.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.

I'm Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

Illiterate? Write For Help

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over [Seen Upside Down, On A ]

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!

Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That

Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."

On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."

On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."

On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."

On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

On a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"

In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria." (written in marker below the sign) "Socks can eat any place they want."

You have no idea how hard it is to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.

NEW VIRUS ALERT Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus: Deletes all old files.

NEW VIRUS ALERT Prozac Virus: Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

NEW VIRUS ALERT Lorena Bobbit Virus: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy

NEW VIRUS ALERT Viagra Virus: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

NEW VIRUS ALERT Clinton Virus: Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.

Things My Dog Needs to Remember **The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff even though I haven't gotten the chance to rip the bag to shreds to see what was in it.

Things My Dog Needs to Remember **I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

Things My Dog Needs to Remember **I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

Things My Dog Needs to Remember **I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm while all around you are in chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succ, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

I'm hung like planet pluto... hard to see with the naked eye; but if i crashed into uranus.. i would stick it where the sun dont shine.

SCHOOL UNIFORMS- bad theory, the idea that if kids wear uniforms to school it helps maintain order dont these schools do enough damage making them think alike now they want them to look alike? and its not a new idea i first saw it in newsreels from the 1930's but it was hard to understand because the narration WAS IN GERMAN!

I'm flexable. Just as long as you don't change anything.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Multi tasking: Screwing up several things at once.

Today's subliminal thought is: " "

Logic; The art of being wrong with confidence...

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0

Babies are such wonderful creatures. We get such things as a name for a wonderful shade of green. You can squeeze them and you get baby oil though nobody knows how many you need to squeeze to get a quart You can dry them and then flake them and you get baby powder. The real question that I have is what part of the baby gives us baby shampoo?

EARTH FIRST!!! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.

They say that some people drink like a fish, but does anyone really know if a fish drinks?

There are horse flies and there are horses, bottle flies and bottles, house flies and houses. There are also Dragon flies. Doesn't this prove that there really are Dragon's somewhere?

They say the blondes have more fun, but all the jokes say that blondes are airheads. Does this mean you have to be an airhead to have fun?

If an Orange were any other color would it still be called an Orange? Or would the the color orange be a different color? And why don't they call banana's yellow's?

Why is hamburger called hamburger? There is no ham in it.

You have heard the expression "Raining cats & dogs". Where did it come from? To the best of my knowledge cats and dogs have never fallen from the sky.

There are animal rights activists all over the world. Why are there no insect rights activists? Bugs of the world. Unite!

If you drop a cat it always lands on its feet. If you drop a slice of buttered bread it always lands buttered side down. What would happen if you taped a slice of buttered bread to the back of a cat?

Have you ever noticed that the more you need a piece of high tech equipment the more likely it is to malfunction? It seems to be in direct relation to the need.

Golf spelled backwards is FLOG. This seems appropriate and describes my game well.

Have you ever noticed that when somebody else drives a car badly there is never a cop in sight, but when you do the same there is always one right there to give you a ticket?

Garage sales, yard sales, basement sales. Has anyone ever bought a garage, yard, or basement at at one of these sales?

Video tapes always say that the movie you are about to watch has been formatted to fit your TV. How do they know what size TV I have?

Lawyers are the pupae form of politicians and should be barred from taking office.