upate: 11.02.02
Chris said this had my name all over it.
I was flipping through a book my Mom bought at an estate sale and found this letter folded inside:
"Litchfield, KY
July 31, 1938
Dear old pal,
Just a few times today in answer to your letter I read the other day. Sure was glad to hear from you and to know that you are getting along fine. This leaves me fine I guess. Only I have got the blues. It has been raining all day and I am tired of sitting around the house all day. No, I am not married yet. I don't know where I have been lucky or unlucky. I am still running around and I don't see that I am any better off some times. I wish as I was married. Maybe I could get satisfied sometimes.
I get the blues and don't know what to do with myself. There has been a lot happen since we saw each other. Everyone that we used to run around with has married. Hallie Milam, she died last week. Hallie Carnes and Myrtle Bathe are married. There is no one but me left now. I have been talking to a girl over across the way a piece. Sometimes I think I will try to steal her.
I am trying to farm a little this year. I have got an acre of tobacco. I want to go to Indiana and pick tomatoes but don't know where my tobacco will do to be cut or not. I am just working here and there and I can't find a job.
I am staying at Dallie's now, have been here since the last time I saw you. Alva and Bertha Mae are getting along fine. They have one child, it's a boy and they sure are crazy over it too. I told them that you wanted us all to come and take dinner with you. They said that they sure would like to but had too much stuff to look after. Said tell you and your wife hello and for you to bring her and come down some time. I am going to try to come up that day and I will come around and see you and your wife.
I have just about quit drinking. I haven't drank anything now for about a month. I just thought I would quit.
I would have come around to see you before but didn't know just where you live at and couldn't find anybody that ever saw you. I worked up there last summer after the flood and was there all last winter. I came back down here March and thought I would try to farm a little.
Well, babe, there's not much more news I can think of just now so I will close for this time and will try and see you in about two weeks. Will say so long till then.
Your old pal,
Floyd"
.::Da Pimp::.
"Tough! Tough! He knew he couldn't work it out. He knew he was fooling himself; so he crumpled up the paper and threw it in the closest."
update: 11.05.02
Anyone familiar with the intricacies of waterbong construction should be able to find innovative uses for the Original Nasal Passage Cleaner.
There is a set of bells hanging on the door to the basement and, whenever I come upstairs, they jangle and let everyone know that I am about. During her remodeling frenzy, my mother removed the bells in order to paint, then forgot to replace them. When I went to the bathroom early this morning, I made a stealthy creep through the living room. But my mother has ears like a lynx and can hear a cat pad across carpeting from the midst of a dead sleep. She awoke. Paralyzed with fear and convinced that a prowler was aloose, she sent my still-sleeping stepfather off to investigate. You haven't lived until you've had the bathroom door thrown open at five in the morning by a dazed and naked fifty-five year old ready to take you out.
After surviving that experience, I decided to provide updates on what is going on in Lawrenceburg. Glenda, who works for my mother, has lived in the Big L for years and is a better source of information than Deep Throat. Report Number One:
Last week, a city councilman named Jerry Springate was arrested for pounding on a tenant's door at midnight, demanding to retrieve a Shop-Vac from the basement. Unfortunately, the renter's terrified teenaged daughter was alone in the house and refused to let him in. So he brandished a key and opened the door himself. The poor girl went into a tizzy and called the police, who promptly arrived and arrested Springate. According to Glenda, who always knows the details not made public, the cops "smelled liquor on his breath." The displaced tenants are understandably irate, having had their home invaded by a drunken fool who later served them with eviction papers in retribution for his arrest. As the renter told a local reporter, "I'm going to be out of here. But I am going to the court and let the judge know about Jerry's actions."
Them sound like fightin' words to me.
.::Da Pimp::.
"Do you accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior? Do ya?!"
update: 11.07.02
I suggest you read a brief excerpt from a conversation I had with Joe.
Yesterday afternoon I got the chance to strut and preen in front of my boy, the Little Queen. Not only did I have the highest midterm exam score of my professor's four sections, but I had the added thrill of having this achievement announced to the class in general. I sailed down the aisle and collected my paper with the deafening noise of thunderous accolades in my ears.
I really like the Little Queen even if he is dumb as hell. He, incidentally, let out a relieved sigh when he saw the bright red 73 scrawled across his exam. Paramedics would wheel me out on a gurney in that circumstance but I suppose he's happy. It seems he won't be dropping the class, until the next quiz looms anyway. He wants me to help him study.
I want to formulate a plan of seduction but am so out of practice that the next move is a mystery. I'm a big fuckin' oaf with issues. The Little Queen could spread out naked before me and I would stare slack-jawed and stupefied.
This is how the thing is gonna play out: I'm so mean and ornery that I never believe anyone could like me. I'll work myself into a maudlin frenzy and give up, then it will be over. But rather than worry about it, I'll go study. I think the next lecture covers Freud's theories on sublimation and I'd better prepare.
.::Da Pimp::.
"I want you to notice when I'm not around."
update: 11.08.02
Some porn for you to examine while I'm away.
I had my computer science midterm exam yesterday (two weeks late) and that bitch was rough. I have no faith in my performance, as usual, but I checked it several times and found no mistakes. The professor is particular, however, so he certainly will. I'll have to wait at least two weeks to discover my shortcomings since he grades at a glacial pace. Meanwhile, he extended the deadline for our programming assignment since he still hasn't returned the last one. But I busted my ass to finish the coding before Darren's arrival, so it ain't no thang.
The Little Queen and I chatted yesterday but then he got involved with his friends and I got involved with mine and that was that. Things are proceeding along on schedule. The Sex Goddess was a sight yesterday. Her flabby bottom was falling out of her pants. I also noted the peculiar shape of her hefty bosom; it's as if someone pushed in her boobs and they stayed that way. They're like cubic or something.
And, Darren will be here this afternoon so I won't be updating until Monday or Tuesday. The pics will be posted later in the week. See ya!
.::Da Pimp::.
"I do declare there were times when I was so lonesome I took some comfort there..."
update: 11.12.02
Since I don't have any vacation pics for you just yet you can look at someone else's!
The ride home after putting Darren on the plane was like coming down from a high. Very depressing, but you don't want to hear about that!
I don't know how we compressed so much into such a short amount of time. I feel like he was here for two weeks and it was barely 72 hours. We checked out Claudia Sanders Dinner House on Friday and were served by an Anna Nicole Smith's Assistant lookalike. While a room full of retirees plucked at butter beans, we cut it up in the joint and imitated Queen Mookie gobbling fried chicken. Later, we were momentarily distracted by the Light Up Shelbyville! festivities until my mother worked my nerves with her hysteria and I roared outta there with a lead foot.
Saturday, Darren and I rolled around Woodford County looking at horse farms. Anyone who has been to visit me is familiar with the route.
That night, we went out to Lexington's sole gay club, "The Bar" and, unbelievably, had a great time. Probably because we were downing cocktails and rampaging through the place. Darren will claim that I was moaning "I have no friends!" one minute and shouting "YOU GOT A PROBLEM?!" to a rancid queen the next, but don't you believe him. I was just feeling a little aggressively ghetto that night, that's all...
Upstairs, I stretched out on the floor kicking and screaming while Darren literally dosey-do'ed with a frullet queen, then bumped and ground into his crotch. I believe the only people we spoke to all night were two queens from Paducah who wanted to go do laundry, and two bulldaggers from a dry county. They had driven eighty miles for a cocktail and spent the evening nibbling nipples while complaining "We're not accepted in our town."
Sunday and we went up to Frankfort to experience a Children of the Corn moment. The city was completely deserted and dead. And then, in the middle of Main Street, was a huge troupe of punk teenagers. Some were on skateboards, some were on rollerblades and others were listening to a horrible hardcore band. We took in the show while sipping cappuccino but as soon as they said "We're a straightedge band," we left.
That's about it. Had a good time. Forgot my camera and will have to wait until Darren sends me his photos before I can show you anything. And now, I'm late for school.
.::Da Pimp::.
"She's got the gene gurl!"
update: 11.14.02
Conflict analysis of Mr. Potter.
Life in Lawrenceburg:
You may recall the interview I went on a few years ago here in Lawrenceburg. Mr. Earl Such & Somebody posted an advertisement searching for a college student to work ten hours a week managing his farm books. When my mother brought the opportunity to my attention, I slipped into my power suit and set off to apply for the job.
Said interview took place in the heavily curtained backroom of Mr. Such & Somebody's home and under the penetrating gaze of his mentally-challenged son. Mr. Such, nude and reclining in the comfort of sickbed, spit out three terse questions and then dismissed me. Having failed to tickle his fancy, I went home unemployed.
Glenda tells me that she recently went to a yard sale at Mr. Such & Somebody's home where nothing was for sale. Price inquiries were met with a hiss and a quick "I'm not selling that!" Understanding that he scheduled the sale for the excitement it added to his day, Glenda headed for her automobile. Mr. Such & Somebody demanded "Ain't ya gonna look around some more?!" but she said "No, thank you" and got in the car.
And then, just as she pulled out of the driveway, Glenda saw the aforementioned son observing her from the picture window in a commanding state of nudity. She blushed and roared down the street without looking back.
That was quite a picture, I'm sure.
.::Da Pimp::.
"I'm surprised she didn't order me to wear my vagina backwards!"
update: 11.16.02
Welcome to zombocom!
Was there a full moon yesterday? Did I stumble into good lighting?
Exhibit A: The girl behind the counter of the campus coffee shop, who often looks at me surreptitiously, made me a delicious cappuccino and refused payment. She said I was "cute" and that I could make it up to her later. I like that she's a brazen hussy. However, there are plenty of cute dudes wandering campus and the shop will go broke if this becomes a regular policy.
Exhibit B: A very odd girl in the cafeteria, who reminded me quite a lot of dawN, asked me to sign what I'm sure will be an effective petition to free Tibet. She lectured me for several minutes on the evils of the world and then, interrupting her own outrage, said I was "cute." It appears that I am cute.
Exhibit C: The Little Queen's friend, whom we shall refer to as the Not-So-Little Queen, cornered me while I was doing homework and pried into my business. He was deeply interested in my plans for the future and never allowed me to steer the conversation in a contrary direction. I hoped he was sniffing out this information for my boy, but doubted it. I not only believe that he likes me but that he will also be quite bitter when he finds out that my attentions are focused elsewhere. I don't trust him.
Exhibit D: After all this excitement, we ordered a pizza for dinner. The manager of Pizza Hut, whom I have long suspected of being partial, strenuously questioned my stepfather about me. According to the manager, I seem especially smart (somewhat) and nice (not at all). His string of intense questions even set my stepfather to wondering and we must remember that, bless his heart, he has slow-reacting capacity for suspicion. "Robert, I think you have an admirer!"
None of this matters, however. I gave a presentation in my Sociology class yesterday afternoon and was ill-prepared. I'm sure I made a fool of myself in front of the Little Queen, mumbling and stumbling while my ears turned red. Drat! My smooth, pimpin' facade cracked right in front of my boy! I asked him afterwards if I looked dumb and he said, without irony, "No, you did fine!" But I believe I lost major style points.
Yeesh, I want him. Why didn't I take the chance when I had it?
.::Da Pimp::.
"L'oiseau que tu croyais surprendre battit de l'aile et s'envola."
update: 11.18.02
You may have have seen this, or something like it, already.
On November 21st (usually an especially significant day for me) of last year, I stored a time capsule on my harddrive. After waiting a year, I decided to open it only to discover that, yes, I am a big loser. See for yourself.
Then: "I am fat as hell. I weigh 210 lbs! I'm a horse!!"
Now: Whinny. This hasn't changed. I was doing a lot of exercising this summer until the damned treadmill threw me. I am down to 205 pounds, though. At this rate I should hit my target weight in about fifteen years.
Then: "I have no boyfriend and am really not in the mood for one either. However, I do flirt shamelessly with this dude in my Biology class named Casey. I'm going out with him tonight and I plan on getting drunk. I hope he tries to seduce me."
Now: Casey did seduce me and we had some fun. However, he could have been less of a jerk about the whole thing afterwards. Furthermore, I just saw him for the first time in nearly a year but we didn't speak. Of course I am wrapped up in a new drama these days and am in more of a mood for a date.
Then: "I haven't left Kentucky since I got here a year and a half ago."
Now: Christ, I've been here two and a half years! Will my purgatory never end? At least I have left the state. Last March I went back to DC and NY for Spring Break and I'll be going to DC this January too. Taj, Nick and Darren have all vacationed in the Bluegrass as well, so it has been an eventful year.
Then: "I still haven't met that pilot whom I have been chatting with since I arrived here."
Now: I suspect that meeting will never take place. About two months ago, he stuck his unsuspecting friend on AIM without telling me. Inexplicably, he became infuriated with me after I asked "Have you fucked that little dude recently?" because his friend discovered his shocking secret and stopped talking to him. I was unaware that I was chatting with a stranger and don't see how I was at fault. But, he said I was "too abrasive" and hasn't talked to me since. Wimp.
Then: "I study too damn much and live vicariously through Darren's New York stories."
Now: I still study too damn much but the scandalous stories coming from New York have slowed down since Ula left. That's not to say there isn't madness going on without me, but not quite as much.
Then: "Katie still hasn't moved to England."
Now: I don't believe it. She has her ticket and will be leaving for England on December 5th! I'm sure I wasn't the only one who thought I would never see the day when Katie would be leaving on a jet plane, but here it is.
Then: "I'm meeting my stepbrother Bart for the first time tomorrow. I hate to say it, but I wasn't fond of my other stepbrother JJ when I met him last summer."
Now: Bart was cool. Earlier this year, I had the chance to hang out with JJ again at a wine tasting event and we had a good time. They are Joe and Jim Normal, though, so we don't have much in common. I have no idea what they thought of me. I'm only good at seeming like a regular guy for about ten minutes and then scandalous things begin dropping out of my mouth.
Then: "I feel like life is passing me by while I'm trapped in Kentucky."
Now: Not this can of worms again... Nothing has changed and, in fact, in some ways things are worse. But we'll look on the bright side: following my last final on December 18th, I will officially be halfway finished with school. And there are always those NYU and U of MD applications to consider. Nevertheless, I miss my friends.
.::Da Pimp::.
"Don't ya look back."
update: 11.20.02
Approximating Electroclash...via Joe.
This will come as a shock to many of you, but I was feeling very confident and cocky yesterday.
Of course, no one will be interested in my Calculus accomplishments, but I'm going to list them anyway. We have started studying integrals, roughly defined as the area under a function in the Cartesian coordinate system. I was called to the blackboard to demonstrate my knowledge of the gorgeous Chain Rule by doing it in reverse. I walked slowly to the board and stared at the ghastly variables and forbidding integral sign facing me. Suddenly, the room dissolved and the answer was clear. By substituting a new variable for the integrand and then taking the antiderivative of it, I solved the problem. Afterwards, I had an earnest discussion with my professor about the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus. I've rarely been so pleased.
Now for something that will actually interest you...
The Little Queen (LQ) gave his presentation in Sociology. His nervousness was not abated by our unsympathetic professor's probing questions. Furthermore, an Eminem wannabe was snickering and making comments throughout the LQ's speech. He won't be doing that again.
After class, I walked down the hall behind the LQ and the Not-So-Little Queen (NSLQ). The LQ turned and asked "So how did I do?" I shoved the NSLQ aside and said "You did very well." We continued to chat on the way outside. Being a dumbass, however, I never got around to asking if he wanted to attend the extra credit lecture this evening with me. I know he's going to be there but I don't know if he's going with the NSLQ, the Sex Goddess or by himself. My choice then is to skip the talk or hang around outside the lecture hall waiting for him like a desperate idiot. I suppose I could just go in and sit down but I have no interest in the lecture nor any need for extra credit, only nefarious motives. So here's a call out to my homies: what should I do? I'll check my email at 4:30 and see what the consensus is.
Romance is too exhausting. No wonder I was an ascetic for so long.
.::Rob::.
"It was a personal triumph!"
update: 11.23.02
First of all, my November 21st has mysteriously disappeared. Did anyone actually see it? I am launching a probe. In the meantime, I am recylcing this link.
Lawrenceburg:
You can't go anywhere in this town without cigarette smoke in your face. This is tobacco country after all and smoking is encouraged. As a former smoker, I try not to get tizzed out when I see a shirtless hick in Wal*Mart with a cigarette dangling from his lips. But I could really do without people smoking while pumping gas, being less concerned with second-hand smoke than with immolation.
However, things appear to be changing. One of the Big L's fine dining establishments, Hardee's, has made the decision to become smoke-free come Monday morning. This has scandalized the community.
You must understand that there is a large group of old desperadoes who meet in the Hardee's foyer every morning without exception. After roaring into the parking lot in huge dualies with clever phrases like "Daddy's Toy is Momma's Joy" written across their tailgates, these characters commandeer five tables by the door and spend the next three hours gruffly commenting on everyone who comes and goes. Not one member of this posse ever buys so much as a biscuit and gravy platter and I doubt ten men freely refilling their coffee cups is increasing the restaurant's profit margin.
But they feel Hardee's has something to lose by throwing them out. According to an article in the local paper, which I comb through very carefully these days, they are embittered by the corporate decisionmaker who has interfered with these meetings. A Mr. Lane had this to say: "We're in here from about 6:30 to 9:30 every morning and every evening, but we'll be gone when they change over on Monday."
His friend, Mr. Shouse, agreed. "We'll sit up on the hill over at the Food Court and watch them close the doors over here."
While this heated debate continues, we'll travel five miles south of Lawrenceburg to Salvisa (home to the infamous Family Affair restaurant). A young woman from this little village recently made the pilgrimage to Nashville in order to audition for a part on American Idol. After standing in a thirteen hour line and croaking out a rendition of Patsy Cline's "Crazy," she was eliminated from the contest and sent home with dashed hopes by the merciless judges. Worse, another set of judges, this time from the Mercer County Talent Show Committee, were waiting at her door to snatch her recently won title and tiara away. It seems she actually lives in Anderson County and is therefore ineligible for such distinctions. Although her hopes for a life in show business remain undiminished, for now she'll go back to milking the 75 cows on her father's dairy farm every morning before school and continue to dream.
I hope she's not too upset behind all this.
.::Rob::.
"Love for my wordplay, that's hard to find."
update: 11.25.02
Frightening to discover that I might actually be a true Southerner.
I finally received a few pictures from Darren. Not the whole roll, mind you, but enough to get you started. Here's another tour of Kentucky:
A composite shot of a farm along Route 1679. I don't think you can see the tobacco drying in the barn but it ain't no thang. Nice, huh?
Across the road from the barn. As you can see, Kentucky has a surplus of rolling fields and huge expanses of land.
A shot of some weird kind of fruit/nut that was falling out of the trees.
"If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?"
In an unrelated event, CS (my mother) and I posed for a family portrait yesterday afternoon. I look like Godzilla attacking Tokyo. I had no idea I was on such a scale. My mom looks like a shrimp beside me and she's 5'9".
Darren also sent me pics of some roadkill he photographed if you're interested (two links there). There are other shots of the Kentucky experience coming as soon as he gets around to scanning them.
I know, I know, not a very exciting entry, but I'll have something better tomorrow or Wednesday.
.::Rob::.
"Country roads, take me home."
update: 11.27.02
This'll do.
Last Thursday the LQ, the NSLQ, the Sex Goddess, LaQuinta (a new participant in the tale) and I sat together for an hour. During this time, I remembered why I hesitated before. I have little in common with the LQ and only find him attractive when he keeps his mouth shut.
LQ: I saw 8 mile. Do you like Eminem?
Rob: Uh, I don't have anything against him.
LQ: Have you heard such and such's new song?
Rob: Nah.
(Silence)
Rob: (snickering) Are those Eve 120 cigarettes you're smoking?!
LQ: (angrily) Shut up! Don't make fun of me!
(The LQ develops an attitude and huffs off.)
If the LQ can't take a little ribbing, we can't be acquaintances. I express affection through relentless teasing; Katie has been ridiculed, wrestled, and covered in dirt in the name of friendship. If a known homo puffs on elegant Eve 120's around me and expects me to overlook it, he is clueless. I ignored his attitude, went to class and forgot about him for the weekend.
Yesterday, I ate lunch with the NSLQ. Afterwards, the LQ appeared and we spent another hour together. The dude is odd. One minute he chats me up and has a hundred questions, the next he is completely zoned out. And, aside from those who are genuinely challenged, he is literally the dumbest person I've ever met in my life. It's not just a lack of knowledge, it's not just being young; something isn't functioning. I think his Myelin sheaths are busted.
LQ: I'm from Louisville.
Rob: I know.
LQ: (Suspiciously) How did you know that?
Rob: You've told me about ten times.
(A few minutes pass.)
LQ: I live on campus.
Rob: I know.
LQ: (Suspiciously) How did you know that?
Rob: You've told me about ten times.
LQ: Well, I live on campus because I'm from Louisville.
(Begin infinite loop.)
So at the moment I am confused but entertained and wondering where all this is going. The Little Queen is merely confused.
.::Rob::.
"You dig the way I bounce?"
update: 11.29.02
I love these "Am I?" sites.
Did everyone have a nice Thanksgiving? Lots of food, family and friends?
We certainly did. As always, my mother went overboard. We had twelve people for dinner, which I suppose isn't outrageously large for Thanksgiving, but enough food for twenty-five. Two soups, a salad, two types of stuffing, two turkies, two hams, at least twenty sides including all the standards and then plenty of fresh, steamed vegetables and cranberry this and that everywhere, too many bottles of wine, three pecan pies, four pumpkin pies, etc. My mother is an excellent cook but it was outrageous excess.
Our guests included, among others, the infamous Nancy F, back from Colorado for the week, as well as her housemate Nancy G and son David; Marilyn, a dealer at my mother's antique mall who has lost her entire family and had nowhere to go; Lucinda and her husband Jim, also dealers at the mall, who brought along their daughter Gabriella and her Croatian boyfriend, Mirko.
My older stepbrother Bart was also visiting for the week and I enjoyed having him around. I have a suspicion that he is going to try to move down here. He has been having trouble at his job in Michigan and is thinking of going to technical school. He asked about Kentucky's cost of living and also scanned the classifieds. We'll see what happens.
That's about the extent of my report. I took a few pictures so maybe I'll post them in a day or two. Now I have to go curl up with a pot of coffee and study for the two exams I have on Monday. I really know how to enjoy a day off from school.
.::Rob::.
"It's dreadfully recherche. N'est-ce pas, Mother?"
