I'm the man you thought l'd never be
The boy who you reduced to tears
The lad called "Thingy" for six whole years
Yeah, that's right, my name's Bob
The one who landed the popstars job
The one who you told, look don't touch
The kid who wouldn't amount to much
Well, l'm here, and you're still there
With you fake sports hair and receding hair
Dodgy farah trousers which you think are smart
Married to the the women who teaches art
Married to the life, married to the school
l wanna sing and dance, Sir, now who's the fool
Sing and dance, you thought l was barmy
Settle down "thingy", join the army
And who are you to tell me this
The dream l want l'll have to miss
Sir is God, he's been given the right
To structure lives over night
Now l know life's true path
Tanks and guns, that will be a laugh
No, not me, l'm a mega civilian
I won't lead my life riding pillion
But thanks for the advice and l'm sure it will do
For the negative dickheads just like you
As for now l've a different weapon
Stage and screen is about to beckon
And here l sit in first class
Bollocks sir, kiss my ass!
Some people don't like me being me
It seems that l make them feel uneasy about themselves
I've tried hard in the past to fit in with people
It hasn't worked
So thank you for letting me be me
It's the only me l do
And l get offended when i'm not liked
I would also like to think that that's a natural human emotion
But it seems the position l'm in means it's ok to hate me
Even if we've never met
So thank you for letting me be me
I'm on the telly so people think l don't have feelings
l do
So thank you for letting me be me
l read stuff about me l wouldn't wish on my worst enemy
You have never said or thought these things
So thank you for letting me be me
I have money to spend and l live the life of a high roller
But you've never held this against me
Some people make me feel as though l don't deserve to be where l am
And believe me l too on many occasions have had these feelings
They're not alone
But you have never thought these things
So thank you for allowing me to be me
If l'm ever abrasive or seem arrogrant
It's because l'm scared
But you know this
And you let me be me
Some people will watch this and tear it to pieces
But they're not like you
They won't let me be me
You spent the last seven days wrapped up in bed
As you listen to me on your new hi-fi stacker
Your mum receives the bill,let's pull another cracker
But the crackers are gone, and the turkey's expired
What you did at the office party, you'll probably be fired
You would of been fine with Tracey, or even with Sharon
But infront of the boss, and with Darren!
Your nuts are been roasted on that open fire
Alled Jones has been strangled and so has the choir
Yes X-Mas has gone and here is the New Year's warning
Alkaselzer, pint of water or bad head in the morning
A man who knows about bad heads this year displays the blinder
In the name of the father, it's my man, Shaun Ryder
I'm hiding behind Jarvis Cocker and he's eating canapes
I've got a laser pen
And l'm shining it on Salmon Rushdies forehead-like that
Missing Brian May's hair by a fraction
Yeah l'm naked
But nobody seems to mind
Record company exec.s tuck into their meat and two veg
l wince but carry on with a tall story about tapestry
The theme tune to Howard's Way plays gleefully in the background
And everybody taps their feet
Meatloaf wets himself and he's gotta leave
So l might have to fill his place in the show
And l duet with a chauffeur who's driving Whitney Houston or somebody like that
And we sing "Abide With me" at the top of our voices
To my surprise l get an erection
Not a full on erection like Jeff Stiker
But a timid Aled Jones sort of affair
Anyway, my singing partner is appalled and leaves the stage
Through the medium of dance l explain what Shirley Bassey's back garden looks like
Brings the house down
Everyone gets cold and leaves