Dear Robert

I decided to launch a new section called 'Dear Robert'. In this section I will answer any question my visitors might ask. You will get a personal response you will also get popularity and the reputation for being hip on my web site. Your questions can be personal, about love, life and happiness, relationships, bondage, S&M anything tech and anything whacky or crazy.

WARNING: If you follow my advice and happen to get yourself arrested or killed you cannot sue me or call me for bail. It aint happening. By sending e-mail you agree to hold me harmless and not responsible for anything.

DISCLAIMER: I swear the mail I represent here is the truth, yes we have some freaks out here, the whle truth and nothing but the truth.

If you wish to send me a question send them here in the subject line put in 'Dear Robert'

NEWS: I havent posted in awhile due to school and to time constraints but no wrries I will post all the question i get in time so keep em coming.

Shy Guy

KF writes:

Dear Robert, There is a guy that I am very interested in going out with, named Billy. My uncle, Wally, knows Billy and called him last Monday night and told Billy that he should call me and go out sometime. Wally said that Billy said he was quote "definitely interested" and seemed excited and surprised. Wally gave Billy both of my numbers (home and cell). So far it's been a week and a half, and he hasn't called. Billy is a super guy, very friendly, sociable, but is a bit shy when it comes to girls, and has not to my knowledge been in a serious relationship. He has no baggage of any sort (YAY for me!). I'm curious how long it might take him to get the nerve to call me...or maybe I'm being impatient. I would call him, but I've always heard it's best for the guy to make the first move. I sure don't want to scare him to death...and I want him to "lead the way." Right now, I have decided to give it a month, and if he hasn't called by then, I'm going to leave him a silly little note on his truck that says he's been "invited to dinner for two at " and to "call to confirm your attendance, choose your menu, and time of arrival..." i.e., inviting him to dinner at my house. What are your thoughts?? How does a woman handle a shy guy?

Robert Writes

KF, this is the 21st century, the woman needs to be just as aggressive getting a guy as the guy is to get the woman. Ask Wally for the phone number of Billy and call him up, dont bring up dating just yet, especially if he is a shy guy, have some phone conversations with him first and get him feeling comfortable and the shyness will subside and then date. The note idea is a really good idea. I may use that myself. But, I would wait until you have talked to him for awhile. if you go leaving a note on his truck before he really gets a chance to know you he may label you with stalker status. If you or he just left a relationship you may not want to jump into a romantic relationship just yet. And be scared and concerned if after 3 days he labels you as his girlfriend. Good luck and I hope it works out for you.

Brotherly Love

Ray Writes

Dear Robert

I am having a family reunion this summer. My brother will be there. We havent spoke for 5 years, he did something really screwed up and I havent seen nor talked to him since that day. Is this a sign from god to help me reconcile with him? Would you go?

Robert Writes

Ray, Im going to share something with you. When I was 16 my brother was 19. He stole a girl I was seeing whom I thought I loved. It was a July day when she called me and told me she was breaking up with me and we couldnt "go together" any more and she told me why. Me and my brother fought that day, Im not talking screaming and yelling. We fought as in throwing punches, tackling each other hiting each other with stuff, hell it wasnt a fight it was a brawl and we brawled until neither one of us could stand. My father stood on the front deck and observed the whole thing. he didnt try to break us up, he didnt get involved at all, he just watched. needless to say we were both pretty screwed up and of course we were given proper medical treatment which involved alcohol, band-aids and ice for the bruises. Years later I asked my father why he didnt break us up, how could he just let us stand there and fight. He told me he did it for a very good reason. he said that if he had gotten involved or taken any sides the fight would never had stopped. He said, we fought, we got it out of our system. If we had not done so, we would still be feuding and fighting until the coming of the apocalypse. And he was probably right, right now I share a relationship with that brother like none other. We are very good friends and we still remain so. In other words Ray, quit being bullheaded. go to the reunion and reconcile with your brother. You are family, and despite whatever happens you can make up. All things can be forgiven, unless of course he murdered your parents or slaughtered your children. There is nothing that cannot be forgiven. As for the girl, well none of us wound up with her and in 2005 she works at a greasy spoon hamburger diner in Raleigh and her teeth are rotting out of her head and she has like 4 kids. I cant believe we fought over that.

Sensless and Shameless

CurlyTop Writes:

I caught my boyfriend
with his 2nd wife.  Don't worry, though.  I'm doing
great.  I knew something was wrong all along but
wanted to prove I was right.  He didn't seem to have
much to say....(wonder why?)  I feel the most sorry
for his children.

I am indeed the winner in the situation, and not the
loser.  I just hate he had to lie so much for all
these months rather than just tell me straight up.

Robert Responds:

         I am so sorry to hear about this. From the conversations we had it seemed like you really cared for the dude. 1st thought, the guy needs his ass kicked for even letting a woman like you go, and for his second wife? Werent they divorced for a reason.   I feel sorry for the kids too because they had such a great influence in their life . He definately is the loser in this case.   Second thought, don't take him back. I agree some guys deserve a second chance, this jackass doesnt. Don't let him use the kids to try to lure you back in to his clutches.   He will come back, cry and tell you he is so sorry. For sympathy buy him a box of kleenex and rent him "The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood". Dont torture yourself because if he cheated on you one time. It shows how little respect and caring he has for you.

         At this time I would like to congratulate you. If it was me who walked in on something like that I would have beat both of their asses. If he was as low as to do it in your house, I would have shot the both of them.

        You were very kind to him and did stuff, possibly no other woman would ever have done. you will find someone, who cares for you passionately, who takes relationships seriously, and who will love you no matter what.. But, Ex thinks the grass is greener where he is at , sorry pal it doesnt get as green as you had it. No, not for the material things she gave you but for the love and passion, understanding and kindness that she had for you. There is a guy who would give anything in the world to have a love like that. CT, Im glad you are okay. keep doing okay and dont change.

Keep in touch and if you need any advice, like revenge tactics and or sadistic measures to vent your rage, let me know. You would be the only one I would bail out.

Am I serious?

Dear Robert,

The only thing I don't like about your website is that you need a better picture of yourself with your eyeballs in there proper place, and without sunglasses on. But if you are trying to be Freaky I guess the picture on your homepage works for ya. Oh, but I do like the idea of putting bad letters in with the nice ones and responding to each one. If you are a jerk , you are just stating your opinions like each of us are. Although I haven't read the blog yet, I will read it , and get back to you on that. Good luck with your site, Kinda looks like its working for ya. The only way I came to this site was that the Tiger images were on the website. And I looked up tigers thinking this was a Tiger website lol. Otherwise I would not be here. Was that mean?? But I looked it over anyway.

Lisa

The Dark Son Robert responds

Lisa

thanks for writing first of all, I agree with you on the sunglasses part and as you see I have changed it, rolling my eyeballs into the back of my head is a registered trademark of me (not), even though i am a wrestling fan, and that is what the deadman does before he gets into the ring, i was doing that waaay before I started watching wrestling. Some call it imitation but trust me its mere coincidence. In Elementary school I used to freak out the other kids and my teachers by doing that, in high school I freaked out the kids the teachers and most everyone when i did that, at which time I also started to establish a reputation for being a gothic demonic, cold, black hearted SOB, which with some people I still live up to that reputation to this day, so i was called a freak then so it doesnt bother me. I will still roll my eyes in the back of my head and give you a stone chilled look when you really piss me off. I will also do that when Im in the high points of making love ( which we won't discuss further} Am I serious on my opinions or am I jerk? Maybe a little of both. I will always respond to both good an bad letters. On my website i am reflecting myself, if you will be a contributor or frequenter on my my site, I have one thing to assure you of, its only going to get darker. Thank your the compliments and please do tell me what you think of the blog, I'm always curious about feedback

P.S

If you are looking for desktop backgrounds of tigers go here

Appreciate what you got

CurlyTop writes

Dear Robert,

From time to time, I like to surprise my boyfriend. 
He and I have always agreed that the small things are
what mean the most.

I surprise him by having special side dishes for
supper when he comes over, by having his favorite
beers (Newcastle and Yuengling) for him when he comes
to my house, by leaving him little presents on the
doorstep when he’s gone to lodge meetings, by writing
him poetry, and yes, by meeting him at the door in
seductive outfits (which we won’t discuss further)!  I
buy him gifts from time to time, including recently a
stainless steel NC State license plate for the front
of his truck.  He is always most appreciative.

I am just curious and trying to come up with some new
ideas to keep the surprises coming.  I also want to
know—what is it that men really want to be surprised
with?  Do men like to be surprised with little things
like I have done for him, and with gifts from time to
time?  What can I do to really show him I appreciate
him?

Thanks,
CurlyTop

Robert Responds

CurlyTop,

What you do for your boyfriend is very nice, hell I wish I had a girlfriend answer her door in seductive clothing, have my favorite beer waiting for me in the fridge. You are a unique one in that. I do have one question, What in the bloody bluest blazes of hades is a lodge meeting? Here is what I think, you do enough, start letting him do stuff for you. I hear plenty of what you do; What does he do for you? But in any case, surprise him with the occasional concert or do something nice in a picnic type setting, also if he has kids start involving them in some of your outings, because if you want to take this to a higher level and show him you are really SERIOUS about the relationship you want to show him you not only accept him, but that you take the whole package. Be careful not to go overboard with warming up to the kids. Like every once or twice a month involve em. Either way, you sound too good to be true.

Peace amd write back

Robert

Locked up and in love

Dear Robert,

My girlfriend is in jail. She will be there for two years. Should I wait or should I move on with my life. I miss her and I want to wait but I want her in my bed so bad.

What do you think?

Rory

Parole Officer Robert Responds:

Dude,
Be a man. Wait for her if you want and stay faithful. Go see her every weekend on visiting day and make sure you take her a carton of cigarettes even if she doesnt smoke cigarettes are better than a pocketful of Benjamins in the big house. Be supportive and reassure her you are waiting for her because she is your sky, moon and stars.

or

Get a 12 pack of beer, a gallon of gas, and a logging chain and a baseball bat. First stake out your closest overnight diner when the first tow truck driver shows up beat the shit out of him with the baseball bat. Make sure after you have rendered him unconcious you leave him two cold beers as a 'Im sorry I was desperate ' gesture. Next, drive up to the prison. Park as close as you can. take the gas and go to the farthest guard tower to your girls dorm, pour the gas around the entrance and set it on fire. Dont worry about the guard because if bad comes to worse he can always jump from the tower. He will break both of his legs but he will be alive which is the most important thing. All the guards in the joint will come running out to try to contain the fire. While they are distracted . drive up to your girls dorm window, wrap the logging chain around the bars attach the end to the truck and gun it, thus pulling out the bars and she can get out. Drive like hell away from the prison, finish the 10 beers you have left, dump the truck get on a bus and head to Mexico. Get married and remember one thing, a jail break will get her 50 years by law, destruction of government property another 15 years, keep your asses in Mexico because it wont be pretty if you return to the US and get caught.

Babysitter Blues

Dear Robert, I have a problem. My sister in law keeps asking me to babysit her kid. I dont mind doing it every once in awhile but its got out of hand and when I tell her no she makes me feel guilty. What can I do?

David

Day Care Worker Robert writes:

David,

This is a fairly simple situation to get out of. You have two options.
Option A: Ignore her, dont answe the phone, get a caller id and if she shows up at your doorstep with the kid do not answer the door.
Option B: For this you will need one beer and the DVD Unrated directors cut of the following movies. The Exorcist and Aliens. Strap the kid to the chair and make him watch the Exorcist, if the sister in law isnt back in time make him/her watch it again. Then watch Aliens. Make sure you drink half the beer before she gets back. Then when she comes in she will be pissed you will have an argument and before she leaves ask her if he/she can finish his/her beer before they go so good beer doesnt go to waste. After a week of screaming and nightmares I can guarantee she will never, ever, ask you to babysit again.

Leave the girl Alone

Melanie writes:

I am having a problem with this guy who wants to go out with me but I only like him as a friend. I want to let him down easy whats a good way to let him know i value him as a friend and nothing else? I tried telling him this but he still keeps trying to get me to go out with him and he is calling my house constantly.

Anti-Stalker Roberto responds:

I have two words for you sister. Pepper spray. I guarantee that if you give him a faceful he will not want to go out with you. you dont want to keep a guy who keeps being that persistant as a friend. It sounds like he may be obsessed. First tell someone about it so that a friend knows this is going on some one close to you. Do not invite him over. Give him leper treatment. Erase his messages, get your cell phone number changed. Burn his carrier pigeon and ignore him if he stands outside your windows like John Cusack with a boombox playing some kind of sappy love song. If that doesnt work then act like someone he cannot stand. Follow him to his favorite hangouts and act obnoxious. During the middle of a conversation start laughing hysterically, when he asks you whats wrong tell him you are laughing at his ears and how big they are. Start trashing him publicly a mans ego is a sensitive thing. Destroy that and you will be set. If he conttinues to persist or gets violent then you may want law enforcement intervention. Be safe, be responsible, dont let yourself be left with him alone and let me know what happens.

Too much Caffeine

Michael writes

You linux haters lost. We won. Go to hell you numbnut loser. you Linux haterss dont deserve the air
yiur breathe.

Robert responds

Huh??! What are you talking about? whats your question? I would like to know where you get that 
I am a Linux hater. How did the Linux haters lose? What did we lose? My advice to you is lay 
off the Red Bull and go hug a puppy. Go find the nearest fuzziest cutest puppy and hug him. Lay 
off the drugs too dude, seriously. BTW learn to spell.

** Editors note: Michael is clearly disturbed. If you want to send me hate mail go to the link on my homepage

Looking for love in all the wrong places

Brandon writes:

Where is a good place for a nerd to pick up a girl? I have tried bars, grocery stores even convenience stores. I don't want to resort to ladies of the night or anything but its getting unbearable.

Matchmaker Robert responds:

Dude you are trying in all the wrong places. It really depends on what kind of girl you want. if you want a marrying type of woman try a church. Yes, I know its seems very sacreligous to try to scout for women in "Gods house" but think about it. God only helps those who help themselves and if you do go into church trying to score its fate and he made you do it. Some of those church going girls can be very wild. If you want just a one night stand or just a frolick in the hay, go to a college. Women in college outnumber the men so college women tend to be a tad desperate. Dont be afraid of the three magic words " Wanna have sex?". If it gets you slapped, its only temporary pain. If she kicks you in the privates, backhand her some women like a show of force. If she says no, dont worry and move on. If you ask 10 women "Wanna have sex?" one will say yes. It may not be the best looking female in the place but hey, we are geeks and sometimes we have to scrape the bottom of the barrell. Dont ever resort to hookers. they carry diseases some of which you cannot even spell.

If all else fails try phone sex, its safe sex. You get that feeling of having strange and if you know how to Phone Preak, its free.

Something to say?

Just A Curious Gal writes:

I have a question for your site, but it probably won't be as funny as the previous ones...it's a bit more serious. Say a guy that a girl has recently been going out with has told her that he has something to tell her, but that it isn't time to tell her YET. What could that be? He tells her she will be flattered when he tells her. Got any ideas?

Robert Responds

My immediate reaction to this certain question is that he is going to say that he is in love with you and that he wants to have a more serious relationship. If this is the situation use caution. How long have you been going out? Is this guy someone you really want to have a relationship with? If you are on a rebound from some other guy be careful some guys like to play with feelings like that. Im a guy so believe me I know how guys are. Do not fall too hard too fast, thats a very bad thing. I have had that effect on women, the falling too fast. Women play hard to get, I play hard to want. And yes I have had them become obsessed. Look at the guys reputation if its someone you knew personally before you started dating him. Was he a player or what is his deameanor. He might ask you to marry him and you have another decision to make. Forever is a long time, do you want to spend it with him.

Lets look at you as well. What kind of frienship do you want. There are four types of friendships in life. They are as follows

1. Aquantinces
2. Friends
3. Boyfriend/Girlfriend
4. Friends with benefits

Make yourself happy above all else. Dont rush things looking for that temporary euphoria that can also be obtained by eating large amounts of chocolate. If things dont work out, dont worry, you always have me {{ See picture above }}.

But lets not jump ahead of ourselves it might be something else. He might be a CIA agent and just wants to tell you that you passed the background check.

Good luck, and let me know how it turns out.

Share and Share alike

Serina writes:

How are you? I have been a long time visitor to your site and blogs and I think you are a far out guy. My
question has to do with my boyfriend. I think he is cheating on me and I have proof. I want to be able to
join them and I dont care if he wants to be with another woman I just hate that he feels he has to
neglect me What can I do?

Marriage Counselor Robert responds:

Thanks Serina. This is a tough one but I think I have the answer to your problem. Bring in a 
female friend of yours to show him you dont mind exploring your sexuality. Here is the scenario, 
buy a set of kendo sticks, some fur covered handcuffs, some sex oil, strawberry flavor preferabbly.
Wait until he comes home from work. Have your friend with you in your bedroom. When he walks in 
start kissing her and then turn to him and ask him if he wants to join in. He will say yes and get 
undressed. Handcuff him to the bed, retrieve said kendo sticks and beat the ever loving shit out of
him. Retrieve all of his clothes, put them in the fireplace spread some lighter fluid on them and burn
the clothes. Retrieve his wallet with all of his money and his car keys. Before you leave be sure 
to stick up your middle finger at him. Then you and your friend get into his car and proceed to drive
to central North Carolina, look me up. Do not forget the sex oil. I promise not to neglect either 
one of you and I promise to share and share alike :)

Have a wonderful day, I hope to see you soon ;)

Personal Finance:

Paul writes:

I'm having a lot of financial problems right now. I work 40 hrs per week and I'm having a hard time making ends meet. I was wondering, what can I do to improve my situation? I try to pay all my bills on time but they are slipping. I generally like to go to the movies twice a week and I buy a couple of DVD movies a month and I have to have my internet access, I use dsl. Should I cut out some of my extra's?

Chief Financial Officer Robert responds

Hey Paul,

There are several things you can do. You could get a second job but if that seems like a drag you need to learn how to budget your expenses. Im going to help you create a budget.

1st lets prioritize your bills the first thing you need to pay is your High Speed internet ,thats a must that you cannot neglect. Second, pay your electric bill because you cant power on your TV or computer without it. Next comes your rent, you can hold off on your rent but not for long as your landlord can have you evicted after thirty days so make sure you pay it before the eviction notice comes. Ditch the phone. I have two words for you, Carrier Pigeons. They are cheap and can go far distances. Carrier pigeons also cant bring back notes from bill collectors. As for your food expenses, the human body can survive a long time on Chef Boyardee and Budweiser. If you really want to slum it you can settle for Milwaulkee's Best and that will also save you some cash too. As for movies, use Limewire or Kazaa or even bittorrent. With these services you can download free movies, burn them to a VCD and you will be able to play them in any conventional DVD player. If you want to eat out you can always do a dine and dash. This is where you find restaurants where you have to go up front and pay. you eat and then you walk out. By following this budget I at least saved you 100 bucks a month

Complainers

Dear Robert

Your HTML is non compliant, your graphics are ugly and I find your personal blog offensive especially the entries: God is a woman, and Fat chicks need to learn how to dress. I don't think you can really criticize anyone that is fat because from your pictures you do not look slim yourself. I hate you and will never come back to uour site.

Michelle

Roberts Response

Michelle thanks for your mail. I can see from your mail you must be a perfectionist. yes my HTML is non compliant but neither is 3/4 of the HTML on the web today. Im not an HTML guru and never claimed to be. My graphics are mine and they are the best I could do, go figure. The 'God is a woman' parody on my personal blog is just that, a parody, a joke. It was written one night when I was bored and my personal blog is somewhere for me to vent, talk about off the wall shit and just sit there and be meaningless and useless which I will add by your mail, it seems to be a great success. I am not criticizing anyone for being fat, Im fat but I dont flaunt my fat. Im just saying that if you waddle when you walk and you have to stop and take a breather every three steps you don't need to be wearing a cut off tshirt and short-shorts, you are either waaaaay to old or waaaaay to fat. There are several robust women I find attractive, its the disgustingly fat that need to learn how to dress. I dont need to see skin covering knee caps like a flesh blanket. What disturbed me the most was that you hate me. Was there something traumatic n your childhood that makes you hate me? Was it something I said? do you secretly have a crush on me ? As for not coming back to my site I have one thing to say .......... BYE

****** Editors Note: This was not an actual 'Dear Robert' e-mail Michelle just got lucky.

Better to have love and lost

Dear Robert,

<>
Just two days back I met this beautiful babe. I really liked her a lot. No, that's an understatement. I thought about her all the 48 hours that I knew her. We chatted for about 6 hours or so. I woke up the whole night to chat so I could not miss the office next morning and I could also be with her at the office. Then I wrote her an email when I reached the office.

Then, the next day, she was a bit backing off. She told me to go slow. I did put on some new gear and made it slow. Then I wrote her another email and went to sleep the next night. I waited for the morning so I could see if she wrote to me. I kept thinking of her the whole night.

The next morning, I got some offline messages telling me to bugger off. At first, I felt like I was stabbed. I felt very sad. Then I thought it was kind of ok, because may be I'd find someone who'd be right for me.

One time, I fell for a girl in my office. This was 3.5 years back. I couldn't get over the fact that she didn't feel the same way for me. For a whole three and a half years, I was under the illusion that she loved me. I think I've now come to terms with the fact that I must move on.

So, the issue is nothing, or very little to do with sex. It's about companionship. I spent my entire youth working and now when I go out, I feel like I am the only one without a girl friend.

Sathyaish

Lovemaster Roberts Response

Sathyaish

Thank you, you are my first entry. I dont think that will earn you some points with the ladies but it makes you cool in my book. You made history buddy.

" Just two days back I met this beautiful babe. I really liked her a lot. No, that's an understatement. I thought about her all the 48 hours that I knew her. We chatted for about 6 hours or so. I woke up the whole night to chat so I could not miss the office next morning and I could also be with her at the office. Then I wrote her an email when I reached the office "

Dude, first off here is my insight to your problem. Im going to be blunt. Do you really just want a friend or do you want to get laid? getting laid is simple. Getting to be friends is harder. Chatting is good, but dont overdue it. 6 hours is too long. You have to get to know the chick a little bit before you have chat fests like that. I assume she works with you so I will say this. Be nice to her. Do not buy her drinks or snacks and roll up on her cubicle every hour on the hour. be nice to her, say "Hi" in the hallways and when you get breaks and if she is sitting all on her own just talk to her. Do not go up to her and say " I love you, I want to be with you, I see my unborn children in your eyes' That'll freak her out and you just blew your whole agenda. "Hi, how are you my name is XXXX. Whats your name?" works a lot better. Talk to her about her job " So, what do you do here?" Common dialog, thats the key. try not to picture yourself putting her on the table and ripping her blouse off.

" Then, the next day, she was a bit backing off. She told me to go slow. I did put on some new gear and made it slow. Then I wrote her another email and went to sleep the next night. I waited for the morning so I could see if she wrote to me. I kept thinking of her the whole night. "

Yep, you reached stalker status. Dont put on new gear, just dress like yourself. Dont send too many e-mails. Don't anticipate anything. Just go with the flow. Think of a river see how smooth it runs. you arent being that type of river. you are the type of river that people White Water raft on. You are putting way too much effort into this. New clothes and a new haircut do not change the man, they just hide the inner you. Women appreciate honesty so just be yourself.

" The next morning, I got some offline messages telling me to bugger off. At first, I felt like I was stabbed. I felt very sad. Then I thought it was kind of ok, because may be I'd find someone who'd be right for me. "

Congrats you got leper status. Dont worry about it tho, we all make mistakes just try to learn from them. But yeah, talking to her now would not be a very good idea any further contact may get you a sexual harrassment complaint. Move on, I dont want to see you lose your job over a female.

" So, the issue is nothing, or very little to do with sex. It's about companionship"

You sure? Sounds like to me that you are looking for a mate and not "friends".

" I am very uxorious and very romantic by nature, and hardly nerdy when I talk to a girl. But that is precisely what they can't handle. Well, not all of them. I have the feeling that they like me, but I don't know. "

How to tell if a chick digs you. first if they smile and laugh, thats a good sign. If she is about to go on break and she approaches you and asks you if you want to join her, definately a good sign but that doesnt mean she is willing to let you dip into the honeypot yet. If she sees you and turns around and walks the other way. Not a good sign. if you meet with your boss and she has filed a sexual harrassment complaint against you, definately not a good sign. If she is married leave her the hell alone, most husbands do not like their wives to have guy friends. Be leary of the women that only want money .

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