Mystery Usenet Theatre 3000:
'Remember Me'
Written by Judy Gale
With shorts 'Here Comes Harry' and 'Weakness of "Scientific" dating method exposed'
written by Jack Chick
Misted by Chan-wu Yi (editor), Jonathan P. Bernick, Siobhan Morris, Larry
Isen, MadDog, Mambo, Pearl
[Season 7 Opening Sequence.]
[On the bridge of the Satellite of Love, TOM—-squat gumball machine with a
hoverskirt--and CROW—-man of gold with a web for hair and a beak--are once
again in a heated argument.]
Tom: Come on, Crow! David Lynch's version is a completely different story!
What's with those sonic guns? And the end! You can't terraform a planet at
the drop of a hat!
Crow: Hey, at least Lynch had the money to hire *good* actors! I mean, Jürgen
Prochnow, Patrick Stewart, Jose Ferrer, Brad Dourif, Richard Jordan—-
Tom: Yeah, and Sting and Kyle MacLachlan fer cryin' out loud. The *new and
improved* version sticks close to the source.
Crow: Sh-yeah, except when it comes to pronouncing the names the way Frank
Herbert specified. I mean 'CHAY-nee'? 'LEH-to'? 'HARK-o-nen'? It's
'Har-KOAN-en' you boobs!
Tom: Why you skinny little—-
Crow: No thanks, I don't *need* any gumballs right—-
[MIKE—-resident (and rather large) human of the SoL—-enters from right.]
Mike: Hey hey hey, what's the deal here now, now here?
[TOM and CROW simultaneously plead their cases to MIKE, who can only make out
one word. Luckily, it's the only word he needs].
Mike: Dune again?
Tom and Crow: Yes
Mike: Look, what have I told you before? Both versions have their good points
and bad points. The better version is all in your opinion. I've got an
idea: To take your mind off this little disagreement, why don't you play a
board game? Plenty of them stuffed round various places on the satellite.
Crow: Great idea, Mike! Tom, let's play the Dune game!
Tom: Ooo, I know where it is. Follow me! I'm the Harkonnens!
Crow: It's 'Har-KOAN-ens' you—-arrgh!
[CROW chases TOM off-screen left. MIKE hits the Mads' light.]
[Deep 13]
[FORRESTER—-Dr Clayton Forrester, resident mad scientist—-stares directly into
the camera wearing a smirk that makes you want to hit someone--preferably him.]
Forrester: Oh Mike, have I got one for you to-day. I mean really got one. It's
so evil I thought twice about using it...but well, they didn't teach
me the Super-Evil Scientists Super-Secret No-Girls-Allowed Club
handshake for nothing, did they, boobie? It's a bore-your-eyebrows-
off Mary-Sue Star Trek fanfic about a woman who fantasises about
being married to a cold, unfeeling robot-of-a-man. And before you
make the *painfully* obvious joke, it's not Al Gore.
[SoL]
[CROW, MIKE, and TOM are all looking at the camera, rather disappointed.]
[Deep 13]
Forrester: But first, two tracts written by fundamentalist lunatic Jack Chick.
*Each* of these babies has more pain than Mariah Carey screeching
about her sweet, sweet fantasy, baby, while your teeth turn round in
your mouth and try to bite the back of your throat. Feel the burn...
of your brain's logic centre, that is!
[SoL]
All: WE'VE GOT TRACT SIGN!
[The usual pandemonium ensues.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
[The trio enter and take their customary places.]
Mike: I can feel my moral fibre fraying already!
Tom: It must be an intestinal tract, because I can feel my lunch coming up
already.
> BATTLE CRY
Mike: SPOOOOOOOOOON!
Crow: Die, heathen scum! JESUS LOOOOOOOOOOOOVES YOU!
> "Am I therefore become your enemy, because I tell you the truth?" Gal. 4:16
Crow: 'Am I therefore become a plague on the land, because I rant at thee in
tracts? Yer darn tootin' I am!' Chick 3:1415926...
Tom: Wow. I kinda feel guilty all of a sudden. I'm going to go ponder that
wisdom outside the theatre. Coming, guys? [Starts to move past MIKE, who
stops him.]
Mike: Pondering in here, Tom. Sit.
> Here Comes Harry
Crow: Though Sally was faking.
> Issue Date: March/April 2001
> How Strange!
Mike: o/~ This feeling that my life's begun at last! This change... o/~
> Thousands of children lined up outside bookstores waiting for them to open so
> they can buy a book?
Tom: [shocked] What next? Children eating their vegetables and doing their
homework?
Crow: It's okay. They're probably just waiting to buy drugs.
> In the children's world awash with television, internet and video games, how
> can a mere book create such a demand?
Mike: I'm confused as to his point already.
Tom: Point out that the Bible is a 'mere book', or save the outright blasphemy
for later?
Mike: Save it, Servo. You'll need it.
Crow: Yeah, save your ammo, Servo. This is a target-rich environment.
> It seems like magic.
Mike: Every little thing she does.
Tom: The world's children are possessed by the spirit of Doug Henning.
> It is! The hero of the book is Harry Potter, wizard in training.
Mike: It's sounding like a sales pitch.
Crow: David Duke is very upset.
> The book is the 4th in the Harry Potter series claimed by some Christian
> leaders to be innocent fictional fantasy.
Mike: [Jack] I didn't like the bit where he held hands with Hermione. Ugh,
*girls*.
Tom: [Jack] They've not had the training in Seeing Evil Everywhere that *I've*
had. LOOK! A blank wall! Blankness representing the blankness of spirit
without Our Lord in your heart! BURN THE WALL! BURN! BURN!
[MIKE grabs TOM.]
Crow: Is he possessed again?
Mike: It's sometimes hard to tell.
> Others, such as ex-witch William Schnoebelen, see them as training manuals for
> a new generation of sorcerers.
Mike: Yeah, because you have to get 'em early if they're gonna be any good at
Quidditch.
Tom: I think they have to start as Mages first and work their way up to
Sorcerers, don't they?
Crow: 'Satan Trek: The Next Generation!' [Beat.] Hey everyone! Snowblower's
back!
> Readers of the Harry Potter books are
Mike: ...often totally insane?
Crow: ...mangling the pronunciation of 'Hermione' left and right! Oh, the
humanity!
> "...immersing themselves in the magic world-view that does not fit with the
> Bible," Schnoebelen points out.
Mike: Yeah. No magic in the Bible. Nope.
Tom: That whole 'sticks to snakes' thing was on Copperfield's stage act last
week, I think.
> The plot is different than good Christian fiction where the good and Godly win
> out over evil.
Mike: Yeah, in these books the good people often win *out* over evil! [Beat.]
Hey!
Tom: Apparently, Jack rented a copy of 'Horny Pothead and the Goblet of Burning
Desire' by mistake.
Crow: The fact that good wins out over evil is how you can tell it's fiction.
> "The Harry Potter books, in common with most horror and fantasy material,
> present a godless universe, one in which the most powerful wizard wins," says
> Schnoebelen.
Mike: Actually I don't think they really address the question of God at all,
though the wizards do celebrate Christmas. [Beat.] Not that I read those
books.
Tom: They're under your issues of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comics, Mike.
Don't try to pretend.
Mike: I put those up high so you wouldn't get to them!
> "Our youth are awash in a culture that promotes evil, occultism, lust and
> power for its own sake.
Crow: But enough about our public schools.
Tom: Next, on WWF Afterschool Specials.
> The magic world-view is all around them.
Crow: o/~ I'll stop the magical world-view and melt with you... o/~
Mike: And if there's one thing kids don't need, it's a sense of wonder and magic
in their surroundings. Start them on the way to being grumpy old men early
in life.
> It is promoted in Pokemon, in television, movies and music.
Crow: Okay, fair's fair. He's batting .250.
> More critical, it is often promoted in classrooms."
Mike: At Hogwarts, yeah.
Tom: I'm sorry...did I miss taking the Magic 101 class in high school?
Crow: [whining] Mr. Snowblower! Mr. Snowblower! Tommy's making a burnt offering
to Moloch and he won't share!
> Yes, many teachers are ignoring the dark side of the Potter books and using
> them in class simply because it promotes an interest in reading.
Tom: And there's a thin line between reading and Satan. Ask anyone!
Mike: [Gaston] Next thing you know they'll be getting ideas, and *thinking*...
Crow: [teacher] Well, sure they've been holding Black Sabbaths at recess, but
darn it, SAT scores are up 50 points!
> But John Andrew Murray writes on a Focus On The Family web site for teachers:
Mike: [Murray] SKOOL ROOLZ!
Crow: [Murray] I like cheese.
Tom: [Murray] Reading bad! Me not learn read, and look at me good smartness.
> "It is the world of witchcraft found in Harry Potter that is the greatest
> threat of all.
Mike: Sounds like *somebody* lost a bet on the Quidditch Cup Final.
Crow: This from the man who bet on Hufflepuff to get the Snitch.
Mike: Man, they were so close!
Tom: It was a rebuilding year, Mike. Should've gone for the spread.
Mike: There's three dollars I won't see again.
> This world...is presenting occult practices in a way that is attractive and
> fun."
Tom: [Murray] Occult practices should be boring and tedious, like when I was
young! Damn kids today have it too easy!
> This "desensitization to witchcraft" can only "lead to serious spiritual
> consequences in the future."
Crow: [Murray] Kids these days are so jaded. When I cast my first Mind
Domination spell, it was a rite of passage!
Mike: [Jack] They might reach legal maturity without burning anyone at all!
> The author, J. K. Rowling, claims that the book series will end after the 7th
> book to be released in 2003.
Mike: Then we get Harry Potter: The College Years.
Crow: In a related story, Anne Rice claims that The Vampire Chronicles will end
'when you pry my typewriter from my cold, dead hands'.
> In the meantime, movie rights have been sold to Warner Brothers who hopes to
> make billions of dollars promoting the Harry Potter craze.
Mike: [Jack] Curse the Warner Brothers! *And* the Warner Sister, Dot!
Tom: Before this, all movies were about good Christian subjects. Like Star
Wars. I can start the blasphemy now, right?
Mike: Oh yeah. About now.
> Soon we will see cartoon spin-offs, theme-park rides and interactive games.
Crow: Yeah, right. Who'd spend hours a day hunched in front of a computer
pretending to be a fictional character?
Mike: Shut up, Crow!
[The fourth wall quivers a bit.]
Tom: Harry Potter...the flame-thrower!
Crow: The kids love this one.
> So Harry Potter, born wizard, raised by dull, useless, boring, relatives
Mike: Aw, come on, the cousin would make a good futon if you hollowed him out a
little.
Tom: [Jack] There's nothing more un-Christian than wanting to get away from
dull, useless, boring relatives.
> (who resemble fundamentalist Christians)
Crow: Hey, tract! *We* do the riffs on this satellite!
Mike: [snickers] I never noticed that before. Thanks for pointing it out, Jack.
> attends an exciting school for wizards where he learns that power is the
> ultimate moral choice, irrespective of good or evil.
Mike: Has he been reading the same books?
Crow: More to the point, has he been reading *any* books?
Tom: He read the comic-book adaptation, 'Harry Potter Beats The Crap Out Of Large
People In Spandex'.
> In the process he experiences episodes of astral projection, levitation, blood
> sacrifices, animal sacrifices and a baby boiled in a cauldron.
Crow: [Jack] Damn, that reminds me - I missed lunch.
Mike: So many letters...
Crow: Hmmm...good point, Mike. Want me to do some abortion and political riffs?
Just in case there's someone out there we didn't offend?
Mike: No no no! I think we're okay.
> He deals with werewolves and vampires, and learns to cast spells, lie, cheat
> on homework, and that death is just the "next great adventure."
Mike: To any werewolves and vampires in the audience, we humbly apologize for
this tract.
Tom: Suggesting life after death? How evil!
> For Bible believers who are admonished to avoid even the "appearance of evil"
> the Harry Potter craze
Mike: [Jack] ...is nowhere near as worrying as the Eighties craze for antennae
on headbands.
> is just another wave in the ocean of evil washing over our land.
Crow: But enough about Urkel, and back to Harry Potter, who is really neat!
Tom: I'll give Jack credit - he knows how to milk a bad analogy until he
squeezes every drop of blood from that bee's nest.
> Soul winners must use it as another opportunity to
Mike: ...prepare for the 1992 Olympics.
Crow: ...do da wild thang! Errr...in a very Biblical sense of the term, I mean.
> stand against Satan's strategy and witness to Biblical truth.
Mike: [Satan]: You have to keep all your armies on Papua New Guinea and just
build up, build up...
Tom: That'll put that Harry Potter in his place! And once again the day is
saved, thanks to...the Powertract Girls!
>
>
>
> BATTLE CRY
Mike: Oh no! Again.
Crow: Brain...cells...dying...
Tom: Great. It's a re-run. Change the channel and see if Battlebots is on,
willya?
> "Am I therefore become your enemy, because I tell you the truth?" Gal. 4:16
Tom: We've already seen how much 'truth' there is in what you're saying. You are
our enemy for life.
Crow: And the Galatians trail 4 to 16 in the fourth quarter. They're going to
have a hard time closing that gap, Frank.
Mike: Only a letter from St Paul can save them now.
Crow: Wait a minute...yes, it's a foul! Romans, 35 yard penalty for crucifying
Our Saviour! Pontius Pilate has been sent to wash his hands! The crowd goes
wild!
Mike: They won't like that in Galilee, Bill.
Tom: I think this is what they refer to as a 'Hail Mary' play.
> Weakness of 'Scientific' dating method exposed
Mike: Just because you can't exactly reproduce the circumstances doesn't
necessarily mean she won't ever see you again.
> Over a 20 year career, Shinichi Fujimura made one amazing archaeology
> discovery after another.
Crow: Godzilla, Mothra, Gamera...he was a legend.
Tom: Shinichi Fujimura? PAGANS!
> "He single-handedly pushed back the known origin of Japanese civilization by
> hundreds of thousands of years," according to news reports.
Crow: And boy, were his arms tired!
Tom: He discovered that Japanese Civilization was founded in 400,000 BC by the
Pikachu tribe.
Mike: Considering modern humans have only existed for about forty thousand
years, that's good going.
> His long hours at the excavation sites and a seeming uncanny intuition for
> where the artifacts lay buried earned him
Crow: ...a buttload of frequent-flyer miles.
Mike: ... the 'Highly Suspicious Bastard of the Year' award.
Tom: ...fifty yen an hour, less taxes. 'Cheap bastard employers' was one of
his favourite catch-phrases around the dig sites.
> a reputation for hard work and international renown.
Mike: A reputation for renown? That's getting roundabout.
Crow: I think that's kind of like being famous for being infamous.
> The most prestigious national museums displayed dozens of his finds.
Tom: In an unrelated news story, Japanese museum revenues were down 400% this
year.
Crow: [museum curator] At last! Conclusive proof of the influence of the poet
Basho on Sailor Moon! What a genius!
> Finally someone began to question his seemingly miraculous successes.
Tom: When he presented the Dragonball Z figure as proof of aliens influence on
Japanese culture, people started to get wise.
Crow: Experts became suspicious when they noticed what he claimed to be a
pre-Empire renga was written on 'Alf' stationary.
> One of Japan's largest newspapers received a tip
Crow: Psst...pro wrestling is fake!
> and investigative reporters positioned hidden video cameras at the dig sites.
Crow: The footage drew record audiences when shown on Japan's Funniest Home
Seppuku Videos!
> Over a period of months, Fujimura was caught on tape planting artifacts in the
> soil to be "discovered" by him later.
Mike: Aw, he's the Easter Bunny of archaeology.
> At this point in the story, the Los Angeles Times reporter makes an amazing
> admission:
Crow: [reporter] I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body!
Tom: [reporter] We lied about him lying about us planting the lying cameras to
catch him lying on tape. Lying
Mike: [reporter] That whole OJ thing? Totally made up. Faked backgrounds. You
could tell.
> "Most of the 'proof' of discoveries is determined by the age of the soil in
> which the items are found.
Crow: [archaeologist] For the really old ones, we show them to Strom Thurmond
and ask if he remembers them. He's a good sport.
Tom: Here in Japan, we age the soil using a technique handed down from our
ancestors. We only use the very oldest soil to plant our artefacts in.
> Fujimura simply buried newer items in older soil."
Crow: Well, that blows my Samurai Cat theory of the Shogunate Wars to hell.
Tom: Egad, this explains why the Beast Wars figures were found before the
original Optimus Prime figure. It's all a dirty trick!
> Dr. Kent Hovind, in his Creation Science Evangelism video series,
Crow: ...is wearing this stylish-yet-daring ensemble from Versace! Perfect for
boycotts, protests, or just laying around the house burning a good book.
Tom: [Hovind] Unt now we prrrove zat everysing was created in exactly seven days
usink zis bowling ball und three oysterz.
> explodes
Crow: INCOMING!
> the theory that Fujimura was exploiting.
Tom: Exploiting explosions, or exploding exploitations? You be the judge.
> Evolution teaches that there is a "geologic column."
Mike: How *dare* you talk that way about Dave Barry!
> This is an imaginary column of layers of soil containing the history of
> earth's "evolvement."
Mike: Or 'evolution' as we call it in English.
Tom: We now know that this is wrong. The earth was created by two guys named
Steve.
> "The geologic column is the Bible of the evolutionists,
Crow: But much more difficult to read in bed.
> " says Dr. Hovind.
> But it can only be found one place in the world
Crow: Wal-Mart!
Mike: You can get *everything* there.
Tom: Isle 7. Dairy products, pencil sharpeners, and geologic columns.
> in science textbooks!
Crow: Oooh, that's gonna hurt the resale value!
Mike: Along with baffling illustrations of why, if you shoot at a monkey just as
he lets go of a tree, you'll still hit him.
Tom: Between not wanting children to read, and wanting stuff taken out of their
textbooks, I gather that Jack doesn't like kids very much.
Crow: No one is all bad.
> Evolution depends on the theory that layers of rock and sand were uniformly
> deposited on top of each other over billions of years.
Tom: I thought it depended on the theory of creatures, you know, evolving.
Mike: Wait...*billions*? The Earth is only a couple of billion years old!
Evolution has only been happening for...oh, what's the point.
> And in these layers can be found a progressive history of the plant and animal
> worlds.
Tom: Oddly enough, at the very bottom is Maury Povich.
[CROW opens his mouth to speak when the phone rings. He picks it up and listens
briefly.]
Crow: Mike? It's Charles Darwin. He's crying.
[MIKE raises his hands helplessly.]
Crow: Brave heart, dear friend. Brave heart. [He hangs up.]
> But nowhere in the world has such a column been found.
Crow: Did they check between the sofa cushions?
Tom: I haven't found little floating plusses and minuses in the air like in
science textbooks, either, but I'm reasonably sure that electricity exists.
> When evolutionists came up with the theory of the geologic column they made up
> an imaginary drawing, picking and choosing from all different kinds of
> geological formations to assemble their drawing.
Mike: Because evolution doesn't have solid facts behind it like that 'creating-
the-world-in-seven-days' thing does.
Crow: [scientist] Let's see, that's a coelacanth from Column A, two trilobites
from Column B, and a primitive reptile from the entrees. Whataya mean we
only get Hot-and-Sour Soup with lemurs or higher?!
> They drew in a layer, gave it a name like "Jurassic" or "Cambrian" and
> assigned it an "index" fossil such as the dinosaur or trilobite.
Tom: But enough about how Bill Gates made Windows.
Mike: He makes geology and palaeontology sound like a colouring book.
Crow: The system broke down in the modern era, when they tried to make the index
fossil Abe Vigoda.
> Hovind quotes from several textbooks that describe how these layers are dated.
Mike: [Hovind] Normally, they're taken to a movie.
Crow: More often than this guy dated, I'll bet.
Tom: [Hovind]: And here, ve see clearly ze prezenze of a lava lamp. Zis dates us
to at least 1967.
> On one page, the books will say that the age of the layer is determined by the
> type of index fossil found in that layer.
Tom: Is he misinterpreting facts again, or just blatantly making stuff up? I
can't tell the difference anymore.
> Then, on the very next page or pages, it states that the age of the fossils is
> determined by the layer in which they are found.
Mike: [Jack] This is proof that evolution is wrong. Questions?
Tom: [Jack] Therefore, Eve ate the apple and you're all cursed. Questions?
Crow: Just one: Is Tom going to shout 'doofie' until his dome explodes?
> Hovind also quotes evolutionists admitting that this is circular reasoning and
> proves nothing.
Tom: Unlike the circular reasoning of this tract, which is obviously true and
correct.
Crow: Well, if we divide its circumference by its diameter we *do* get pi.
> Yet, they refuse to consider that evolution is really their religion and
> cannot be true science because the evidence supporting the theory simply does
> not exist.
Mike: So because some textbooks are inaccurate, science is absurd and the Bible
is literal truth. Got it.
Tom: I think I'll start shouting 'doofie' now, Mike.
Mike: Okay, honey.
Tom: [snobbish British accent] Therefore, science is wrong, I am right, because
doofie doofie doofie doofie doofie. Thank you. Tune in again for next
week's episode of 'Why Science Is A Load Of Crap', by Dr. Chick.
Crow: If they start misunderstanding nuclear structure again, *I'll* start
shouting 'doofie'.
> When evolutionists buy the lie that soil layers can be accurately dated, they
> are open to the same deception that Fujimura used to fool his nation for so
> long.
Mike: That *would* explain those Pre-Cambrian Decepticon fossils.
Crow: Now I'm starting to understand that whole Tamagotchi craze.
Tom: We get the picture! We admit the superiority of your unproveable theory
over everyone else's unproveable theory! Move on!
> Hovind exposes the deception behind both archaeologyand geological theories
> that rest on dating by geologic columns.
Tom: In conclusion, you're all going to hell, yadda yadda etc etc, John
Wellington-Smythe. Send two copies to everyone on the planet, will you?
Mike: [Hovind] And here, we can clearly see that the researcher erased a data
point that would have screwed up his line of best fit!
Crow: They wanted to date geological columns, but society frowned upon their
union!
> Dr Hovind's video series systematically dismantles evolutionary theory,
> providing a perfect antidote for any student that is forced to sit under this
> false teaching in our government schools.
Mike: I think the kids would rather have some practical sex ed, but hey,
whatever you've got.
Crow: I think the cure is worse than the disease.
Tom: He's 'proven' one textbook is wrong in one instance, shattering every
scientific theory since the beginning of time. Our work here is done.
Mike: No it isn't, buddy. The fanfic's starting.
Crow: Brace for impact!
> "Remember Me"
Mike: Oh, we will.
Crow: In our nightmares.
>
> by Judy Gale, 1997
Mike: And *not* Dorothy Garland.
Tom: Editing by Susan Blizzard. Art direction by Jessie Torrential-Downpour.
>
> (jspock@shore.net)
>
>
>
> Standard disclaimers apply. No infringment of anyone's copyright is
> intended.
Tom: No Vulcans were harmed in the making of this fanfic.
> Original characters property of Judy Gale.
Crow: Your eternal soul property of Gene Roddenberry.
>
> Feel free to archive and distribute this story, but please leave the
> authors name and this disclaimer attached.
>
>
>
>
> Judy was putting a pile of data cassettes back in their places on the shelf.
Mike: Oh, see, my dad was right. The future is eight-track.
Crow: *No one* will be seated during the exciting shelving-of-the-cassettes
scene!
> There was a soft tap at the door.
Tom: Only this, and nothing more.
> "It's open," she called.
Crow: In the future, violent strangers will be a thing of the past.
Tom: Or people will really believe in Darwinism-in-action.
> T'Sel opened the door and looked in. "Lady Amanda just called, ma'am.
Mike: [T'Sel] She says if you call her one more time she'll take you to the
bloody cleaners, ma'am. Should I reply?
> She is bringing someone by to introduce to you.
Crow: [T'Sel]: A Dr. Hannibal Lecter, Ma'am. He wants to know whether you're
white or dark meat.
> She said she was calling from Ambassador Sarek's office."
Crow: Showing that nepotism is alive and well in the 23rd century.
> Judy nodded. "Did she say who it was?" "No."
Mike: [T'Sel] You didn't tell me to ask who it was. Shall I go ask who it was?
*fine*. I'll walk *all* the way back over to that phone, then *all* the
way back over here...it's time for my break.
Crow: Wow! This dialogue is like Oscar Wilde's...grocery list.
> "Oh. Well, when they arrive, show them right in. Thank you, T'Sel."
Mike: [T'Sel] Get bent. Ma'am.
Tom: [Judy] Tell them they'll have to sit at the bar until there's a table
ready.
> Judy had stepped down from the small step, to get another stack of cassettes.
Mike: [Judy] Wow, the trend making data storage bulkier and more inconvenient
really bites.
> The door opened again and she heard Amanda's voice float through the room.
Tom: Ebeneeeeezer--Oh, now I'm doing it!
Crow: [Amanda] Clean this place out and whack any witnesses!
> "Judy, Dear, how are you?"
Crow: [Amanda] Still married to my far-too-good-for-you son? Oh, how horrible.
Lovely, I mean.
> "Quite well, thank you." Judy turned to face Amanda, a stack of cassettes
> still in her hand.
Crow: Mike, is the fanfic over yet?
Mike: No, Crow, not yet.
Crow: Oh. Mike, has the fanfic started yet?
[Mike chuckles.]
> Spock stood behind Amanda, dressed in a white student's robe.
Crow: The pointy hood was still at the cleaners'.
> He watched her with polite detachedness.
Tom: She looked back with organized disinterestidity.
Crow: Note to fanfic authors: DIY is *not* an approach that works with
vocabulary.
> Judy gasped slightly and dropped the cassettes.
Mike: [Judy] Fly, be free!
Crow: [Judy] Wearing white after Labour Day! You monster!
> Spock knelt to help her retrieve them, and she had to fight back tears.
Tom: [Judy] You broke my tapes, you pointy-eared beast!
> Because he was alive, right there in front of her.
Mike: And she'd already collected on the insurance.
> But he didn't know her.
Crow: Lucky him.
Mike: Lucky—-darn it, Crow. It's not fair.
> "Thank you," she murmured, as he handed her the cassettes.
Tom: [Spock] ...Garth Brooks...N'Sync...S Club 7...don't you have any *good*
tapes?
> She put them down on the desk, and gestured toward the chairs nearby.
Crow: ...using one finger. Her feud with the chairs went a long way back.
> "Please, sit down."
Mike: [Judy] Now stay. STAY! Bad Vulcan! No mind-meld!"
> "Is this not a good time for this introduction?" Spock asked. "Your
> secretary had a reaction similar to yours."
Crow: A little Prednisone will clear that right up.
Tom: [Spock] Perhaps I should not have worn a hospital gown.
> Judy smiled at hearing the familiar voice. "No, it's all right. It's just
> that we were rather surprised to see you."
Mike: [Scar] *Alive*.
Crow: [Spock] Not even in death and rebirth can I escape from crappy fanfics.
> "You know of Kahn,
Crow: Uh oh—-
Tom: KAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHN! [normal] Ha, never gets old.
> and the fal tor pan, then?"
Crow: [Judy] Of course! And you should try the egg fu yung and mu gu gai pan!
> "Yes, I do. I had heard about the success of the ceremony, but...." She
> shrugged, and could not meet his eyes.
Mike [Judy] I figured since it was in the 'Weekly World News' I could safely
ignore it.
> Spock nodded slowly, wondering. 'How could she have known?
Mike: [Spock] I mean, she looks so dumb.
> Perhaps she is a relative of my mother's. They seem to know each other well.'
Tom: So this is going to be a stupid Weepy New Age Star Trek fanfic rather than
a stupid Kirk Solves Every Problem In The Galaxy By Punching It Star Trek
fanfic.
Mike: [sighs] Looks that way.
> Amanda looked back and forth between them.
Mike: [Amanda] Gosh, they're both so ugly.
Crow: I don't *want* grandchildren.
> "Well, I really don't think it was necessary for me to come in, too. You seem
> to be doing quite well on your own."
Crow: [Amanda] For idiots.
Mike: [Spock] Mooooooom! You're *embarrassing* me!
Tom: [Amanda] Judy's having enough trouble writing for one Actual Star Trek
character, so I should just leave before she mangles my character any
further.
> Judy smiled nervously at her, and glanced at Spock. Amanda continued, "I
> wanted to introduce you, Spock, because Judy has known you for several years.
> Your father and I thought it might be helpful to you."
Crow: [Amanda] Well, what he actually said was, 'Those two don't know spit from
Shinola,' but we knew what he meant.
> "Perhaps, in time, it may. For the present, I apologize, Commodore, I cannot
> recall who you are or why I knew you."
Mike: [chuckles] That happens to married couples *all* the time.
> "That's quite all right, Sp..., Captain. I understand."
Tom: [Amanda] Unfortunately, he also forgot that when eating, you put the food
in your mouth, not in your ear. Do you understand *that* one, Missy?
Crow: [Judy] Oh, do you remember that you owe me 50 credits? Oh, I mean 100
credits. 200 credits!
> Spock couldn't help but notice the slip she made, almost addressing him
> familiarly.
Crow: Hmmm, I guess familiarity *does* breed contempt.
Tom: [Spock] How did she learn my secret name of 'snookiepants'?
> No one did that unless they had been formally introduced, and each gave the
> other permission.
Crow: [Sir Didymus] None shall call me by my name without my permission!
Mike: There's a Clinton joke here, but I can't quite see it.
Crow: Well, Monica *did* kneel before him. I guess that counts as a formal
introduction.
> They talked a while more, Judy growing increasingly uncomfortable by the
> minute.
> It was difficult for her to sit and talk to a man she had lived with for the
> past five years, and have him not know her.
Crow: Wow, they really are a married couple!
> She, Amanda and Sarek had decided that they would not introduce Judy to Spock
> as his wife, unless he specifically asked.
Tom: They're waiting for him to ask for something he doesn't know anything
about. That's about a zero on the hope-o-meter.
Crow: [Amanda] I knew I should have insisted on a pre-nup.
> Spock hadn't quite finished healing and finding his own answers.
Crow: He was still working on a pulled tendon and the existence of God.
Tom: [Spock] What is the hand of one sound clapping...?
> Judy had been afraid that if they told him he had a wife and children, he
> would feel obligated to resume his role of husband and father and the healing
> process would be extended indefinitely.
Crow: Oh, of course, nothing like a loving family environment to make your life
a living hell...huh?
Mike: So they let him go back to his swingin' single days with Nurse Chapel.
> Judy also knew that if they did not tell him who she was, there was a chance
> that he might never remember her and he would always know her as the young
> widow around the corner.
Crow: You know, handled correctly that could be a win-win scenario.
Tom: And they can fall in love all over again. Aw, how sweet and romantic. Mike,
are you *sure* Captain Kirk isn't going to start punching people?
> Spock had seen her with the two Vulcan children in the yard and had inquired
> of his parents as to who her husband was.
Tom: [Amanda] Uhh...no one.
Crow: [Sarek] She's a godless tramp.
> Amanda and Sarek had simply told him that her husband had been in Starfleet
> and had died in an accident aboard his ship.
Crow: [Amanda] He tied himself to a chair and threw himself down an elevator shaft
onto a hail of bullets after taking poison. The coroner ruled it a suicide.
Mike: Won't *lying* to him interfere with his memories coming back?
> It really wasn't that far from the truth, although they didn't exactly answer
> his question.
Tom: It's a *lie*! How is it not far from the truth?
Mike: Fanfic by Richard Nixon.
> Spock had been quite surprised to learn that Sarek spoke for Judy, in the
> absence of a husband.
Mike: But then he remembered that Vulcans really *are* that unenlightened.
Tom: In fact, Spock was still surprised by a lot of things. The sky. Trees.
Lint. Ear wax.
> This fact alone is what had led him to begin to think she was a relative.
Crow: All hands, brace for sudden tense shift!
> He would have to ask his parents a few more questions later.
Tom: [Spock] What is the name of the German head of state?
Crow: [Spock] *What* is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
> He cleared his throat and Judy raised her eyes to look at him.
Tom [Spock] Does this mean you are...available?
Mike: [dully] The tension is killing me.
> "Now that we have been introduced, perhaps, with your permission, I might
> speak with you about...
Crow: [Spock] ...your pants. I notice you're not wearing any.
> ," he trailed off, uncertain.
> He had a feeling that there was something he wanted to talk with her about,
> but couldn't recall what it was.
Tom: [Spock] Did you leave the stove on? Nah, not it. Gas bill paid? Nope, took
care of that. Are we married? Hey...
> She smiled and waited for him to continue.
Mike: Time passes...
Crow: [Spock] Now I've forgotten what I was going to say, and she looks all
expectant. How can I tell her I have no internal monologue?
Tom: Six days later, they were all found dead of extreme boredom. Spock was
still talking.
> When he didn't, she said, "We don't necessarily have to talk about anything,
> Captain, just talk. Whatever comes to mind. I don't mind at all."
Crow: Ladies and gentlemen, Commodore Co-dependent!
> "Thank you, Commodore, I shall keep that in mind. May I ... may I call on you
> some evening?"
Crow: [Judy] You look a little heavy. Could you call standing next to me
instead?
> "Certainly," Judy replied, thinking, 'Oh, how formal! It'll be another five
> years before we get anywhere. If ever.'
> Spock and Amanda stood.
Tom: Judy doubled down, and the house hit.
Mike: That took their entire brains, you can tell.
> They thanked her for the short time she spent with them and left, closing the
> door behind them.
Mike: [Judy] No, don't go! Let's look at my telegraph pole collection!
Crow: [Amanda] And this time double-check the alarm system. You remember what
happened the last time she got out.
> As they reached the parking lot, Amanda said, "Oh, Spock, I've left something
> upstairs. You go on ahead, I'll meet you in your father's office."
Tom: [Spock] Certainly, Mother. Please continue with your transparent diversion.
> Amanda hurried back to Judy's office. "I left a file on Judy's desk." T'Sel
> waved her in.
Mike: [chuckles] Then two men came by and claimed they'd come to fix the air
conditioning. She let 'em right in.
Tom: [Amanda] Hand me that file marked 'The Secrets of Spock's Marital Status',
will you?
> Judy sat at her desk, hands folded in her lap, staring out the window at Mount
> Seleya.
Crow: *I'd* sure like to Moun--
Mike: That's your warning, Crow.
> "How can I help him, Amanda? How can I help us?"
Tom: Get Captain Kirk to punch *Spock*!
Mike: [Mount Seleya] You can stop calling me 'Amanda'. And quit that skiing!
> "I understand, Dear. It's difficult. Perhaps it would be better if Spock
> didn't call on you. What do you think?"
Tom: [Judy] But I raised my hand first!
Crow: [Judy] That's fine, as long as he can still boink me.
[Mike sighs.]
> "No, I won't mind his being around. I don't think. I'll just have to ... see
> what happens, and keep the children away from him for a while."
Crow: [Judy] At least until he's housebroken.
Tom: [Judy] He followed me home, after all. I have to keep him.
> "Why?"
Mike: [Judy] Well, they might rip him to shreds. They're feisty.
Tom: [Judy] The children might spark his memories, and then I won't be able to
write any more of these fanfics. I mean, like *duh*.
> "The minute they see him, they'll start calling for Daddy. How do I explain
> that one?"
Mike: [Amanda] When a human and a Vulcan love each other very much....
Crow: [Amanda] We already told him you're a godless tramp. No problem.
Tom: [Amanda] Tell him that all Vulcans look alike to them because they're
miserable half-breed bastard children.
> "I see what you mean. Perhaps Sarek and I can care for the children and you
> and Spock can spend the evening together?"
Crow: [Amanda] We'll spoil them and feed them sugar for six hours, and then dump
them back on you. God, I love being a grandparent!
> Judy nodded silently.
> Amanda patted her hand. "It'll work out all right, you'll see. I'll have Spock
> call you this afternoon."
Tom: [Amanda] I'll instruct him to call you 'lard-butt'.
Crow: [Judy] Oh, ah *do* declah-uh! A *gentleman* calluh! Ah may have the
vapours!
> Judy smiled and looked up. "Tell him I'll be looking forward to his call, and
> to seeing him again."
> "I will," Amanda promised,
Tom: [Amanda] I will! I will kill you! I will kill you!
Mike: [nudges Servo] Remember what we talked about? Excess hostility?
> as she left the office.
> As Sarek, Amanda and Spock drove back home, they passed Judy's house.
Mike: Drove? *Drove*? In what, a pickup?
Crow: I guess the horse-and-buggy was in the shop.
> Spock looked at it, and again had that same feeling that he needed to talk
> with her.
Tom: [Spock] Rent's paid, cable guy's coming Tuesday, I'm married...man, had
it for a second there!
> Something important he needed to say.
Mike: [Spock] The...the playoffs are on! Mom, drive faster!
> When he arrived home, he excused himself to his father's study and looked at
> the comm set.
Mike: As Nietzsche said, if you look at the comm set long enough, the comm set
will begin to look back at you.
Crow: [Spock] Whoa. Lights.
> 'Would it be too forward of me to call so soon? I should call and thank her
> again for her time. Do I really need an excuse? I just want to talk with
> her....'
Crow: If he starts writing bad poetry, someone dies!
Mike: This is like 'Happy Days' without the realism.
Tom: This is like 'Star Trek' without the realism.
Crow: This is like major surgery without the anaesthesia.
> While he sat thinking in the study, Sarek asked Amanda how the visit had gone.
Crow: Her scream broke windows on Risa.
> "I think it unsettled them both. I know Judy's finding it difficult, and Spock
> has been acting very strangely since we left Judy's office. I think he's
> meditating on it...," she started to say, but before the sentence was
> completely out of her mouth, they both heard him talking on the comm
Tom [Spock] Hello? Is this Vulcan Pizza?
> Spock had asked Judy if she would join him for dinner.
> He suggested Sam's, but she replied that it would be impossible for her to
> find a sitter for the children, and suggested instead that she fix dinner for
> both of them at her house.
Crow: A restaurant...on Vulcan...named 'Sam's'. [Pounds head against seat
several times.] Okay, I'm better now.
Tom: Maybe it's short for 'T'Sam's'.
> Spock had agreed and would meet her that evening.
Crow: Time passes....
Tom: Time passes. Civilizations rise and fall. The fanfic is still running.
[MIKE picks up TOM.]
Mike: Let's get out of here before we die of boredom.
[The trio exits.]
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]
[LADY SERVO, wearing Dorothy's blue dress from The Wizard of Oz, stands to the
right. Behind her stands our own TOM SERVO, painted silver and carrying an oil
can; CROW, wearing denim stuffed with straw and a goofy farmer's hat; and
GYPSY, wearing a huge orange mane round her head.]
Tom: Come on Mike, you're the only one who has the anatomy to pull this off.
Mike: [off-screen] But I look ridiculous.
Tom: Come on, you big lummox! Lady Servo's getting impatient.
[MIKE enters from left, wearing Spock's white robe from his first scene in Star
Trek IV and a pair of huge fake rubber Vulcan ears. CROW and GYPSY giggle.]
Tom: [choking back laughter] Okay, now you're Spock...not the real Spock, but
the one in the story.
Mike: So I should just stand here sort of looking blank and confused?
Crow: Right, Mike, how you normally look.
Mike: Oka--hey!
Tom: All right, here goes! Take it away, Lady Servo!
[The music from John Lennon's '(Just Like) Starting Over' begins to play.]
Lady Servo [with TOM, CROW, and GYPSY serving as backing vocals]:
o/~ Our life to-gether
Was never to-gether.
You were gone...
I was alo-o-o-one...
Is our love is still special?
Now I get a chance to be free...'til you remember....
It's been too long since I was single.
Now I get to date people as if unmarried.
Though we're still legally married,
Your amnesia gives me a chance to play...the field...again...
It's like starting over!
Over.
Starting over!
Every day I'll date a different man.
It'll be just like my college days...so easy.
I guess some day your memory
Might come on back and ruin my fun.
But 'til then...it'll be...
Just like starting over.
Over.
Starting over.
Why don't you take off alone;
Take a trip somewhere far, far away?
Then I'll be all alone again
Like I was back in my early days.
Shoo shoo, go 'way.
It's been too long since I was single.
Now I get to date people as if unmarried.
Though we're still legally married,
Your amnesia gives me a chance to play...the field...again...
It's like starting over!
Over.
Starting over!
Our life to-gether
Was never to-gether.
You were gone...
I was alo-o-o-one...
Is our love is still special?
Now I get a chance to be free...'til you remember....
[SPOCK's voice, spoken, in background] Who are you? What relation are you
to me that I should feel so...protective of you?
Over and over and over.
Starting over...
Starting over...
Starting over... o/~
[Repeat and fade into:]
Mike: We've got Mary-Sue sign!
[He hits the button.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
[The trio enters. MIKE is still wearing the ears.]
> Judy had chosen a time after the babies would be asleep. She hoped.
Mike: I was thirty-five when we first came in. How old do I look now?
Crow: Time is an illusion, fanfic time doubly so.
> Spock sat back in the chair and kept wondering. 'According to custom, I am
> being a bit too forward, but personally, I feel I'm being too formal, but I
> don't know why. Perhaps over dinner, away from my parents, I can ask her to
> explain it. Sarek and Amanda aren't telling me something, and I'd be willing
> to bet that Judy knows what it is.'
Mike: Still no internal monologue, huh?
Tom: Apparently, in Judy's universe, single quotes *are* an internal monologue.
Mike: Don't make excuses for the fanfic.
Crow: I've heard of writer's block. Is this writer's diarrhoea?
> That evening, after the twins were asleep, Judy led Spock to the small dining
> room, where she had set out a simple dinner for them.
Mike: [Spock] You're supposed to *cook* it, sweetheart.
Crow: [Judy] Hope you're not on a low-sodium diet, 'cause the store only had
regular Cheez-Whiz.
Tom: Like everything on Vulcan, the food was cold.
> As they ate and talked, about the Embassy and Academy mostly, Spock realized
> that he had never felt so comfortable in anyone's presence before.
Crow: Warning! Mary Sue Quotient increasing!
Mike: [Spock] Perhaps it has something to do with our lack of clothing.
> Judy even seemed a bit more relaxed that she had been earlier.
Crow: Booze: It does a relationship good. This message brought to you by the
Booze Council.
> Spock had a sneaky suspicion that they had done this before.
Mike: Why do I get the feeling that if Spock had a tribal name, it would be
'Runs-with-Tomahawk?'?
Tom: Déjà vu: the feeling you've experienced a lame plot point before. Déjà vu:
the feeling you've experienced a lame plot point before--
Mike: Knock it off.
> They both fell into such an unconscious ease that at first he never realized
> that she had him close to laughing out loud a couple of times.
Mike: That's not a *good* thing.
Crow: [Spock] You have nearly caused me to abandon a lifetime of discipline.
Excuse me while I wallow in self-disgust.
> Spock thought it odd that she never mentioned her husband by name.
Mike: She kept calling him 'that bastard who ran out on me'.
Crow: On the other hand, she did seem to feel very strongly about 'that pointy-
eared pedantic supercilious condescending amnesiac freak'.
Tom: Speaking of pointy ears...Mike?
Mike: Oh yeah! [He removes the fake ears and stuffs them under his seat.]
> Finally, he looked at her across the table and said, "I am beginning to
> realize that we must have known each other quite well for you to have known
> the details of the incident with Kahn and of the fal tor pan. My parents tell
> me only that you are a widow with two children, nothing more. The fact that my
> father speaks for you, tells me that your husband was a relative of ours. Am I
> correct?"
Mike: [Judy] No! Moron.
Tom: [Judy] Spock, *I* am your father.
Crow: You know, I'm willing to bet that with him, sticking the fork in the
outlet once just wasn't enough.
> She nodded mutely, and waited for him to continue.
Crow: Time passes....
Mike: It is dark. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
> "Then, perhaps that is why I ... feel as if I know you. If my presence makes
> you uncomfortable, then it might be best if I left?" he finished, noticing her
> reticence to look at him again.
Crow: [Inigo Montoya] You keep using that word. I do not think it means what
you think it means.
Mike: [Judy] No, it's *my* house, I'll leave...wait.
Tom: [Spock] Then I could go home and agonise for ten minutes, and call you
again. We could repeat this scene indefinitely!
> "No," she said quickly, "don't go. I ... I mean, I'm not uncomfortable,
> really, just.... It all feels a little awkward." She cleared her throat. "If
> there are any questions I can answer, please ask."
Mike: [Andy Rooney] Did you ever notice, when you finish a sentence, and the
whole room goes quiet...
> Thank you. As a matter of fact, there are a few questions I would like to ask
> about your relationship to my parents."
Mike: [Spock] Are you...y'know...with my dad? Cuz he was very pleased to see
you.
Crow: [Judy] We're swingers. Next?
Tom: [Judy] I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate!
> "We'd probably be a lot more comfortable in the living room. I can bring some
> coffee or saya, if you'd like."
Crow: [Judy] Bean dip, candy corn, leather undergarments...
Tom: Who's talking? Wait...that must be Judy. She used a contraction.
> She led him to the living room and waited until he was seated on the short
> sofa. "Please excuse me while I heat the water. Make yourself comfortable,
> I'll be right back."
Mike: Is he about to have a baby here?
Crow: When she got back, he had stripped down to his boxers and was watching a
football game.
[Mike chuckles.]
> He watched her walk away, and then turned to survey the room. There were
> artifacts from literally hundreds of worlds scattered about the room, but for
> all the museum-like beauty and quality, it was quite a livable room.
Mike: Except for the total lack of a roof.
Crow: I get the feeling that the author of the story is *not* a parent.
Tom: When she came back, he was waving around the Sacred Stone of Betazed and
making 'vroom vroom' noises.
> There were photographs displayed on the shelf nearby. One was of Judy and what
> Spock assumed were her children.
Mike: They coulda been her dogs or something. It was hard to tell.
Tom: Next to it was a picture of Judy and Spock doing the Macarena in their
underwear. 'I wonder what this could suggest', Spock mused.
> There was also a picture of Sarek and Amanda.
Mike: [Spock] There seems to be a pattern here.
Tom: When did Spock's logical mind require being smacked upside the head with a
fish to make basic connections?
Mike: Since he fell into Retro Vulcan Hell.
Crow: Judy may have subcontracted the logical continuity to Ratliff.
> There was a box on the low table before him. In it, he could see a uniform
> insignia pin and a Starfleet issued I.D.
Mike: [Spock] She's sleeping with Kirk? Of course, everyone is...
Crow: Here lie the mortal remains of Ace Rimmer...
> On the back of the identification case was the symbol of the Starfleet Science
> Division. There were other items under the I.D., but he couldn't see them
> clearly.
Mike: [Spock] This man's name seems to have been Spork.
Crow: This story has the vivid imagery of Ray Bradbury's...tool shed.
Tom: [Spock] Fascinating. The stupidity level of this story is actually causing
me to go blind.
> He was curious. They must have belonged to her husband.
Mike: No sh--uh, no kidding, Sherlock.
> There was so much everyone was leaving unsaid, he was tempted to look at the
> identification, but it would have been a very un-Vulcan thing to do.
Mike: But it was too late. Spock was caught, and reported to the Committee on
Un-Vulcan Affairs.
Tom: [Senator M'Carthy] Are you now or have you ever been a member of the
Romulan Party?
> Glancing into the box again, he caught a glint of gold. Jewelry? Perhaps a
> wedding ring, he thought.
Crow: ...or perhaps goat cheese. Spock wasn't quite firing on all synapses yet.
Tom: For someone who doesn't like to pry, he's doing a *hell* of a lot of
prying.
> He heard her humming as she fixed the coffee. He knew the song, but couldn't
> recall it. No lyrics, no title, but the melody was definitely one he knew.
Crow: [Hums Star Trek fight theme.]
Mike: Ooh, I *hate* that. Catchy little tunes that get caught in your head and
have nonsensical lyrics.
Tom: Like Britney Spears albums.
Mike: No mentioning the name of evil.
> Soon, she returned with a tray holding two coffee cups and all the necessary
> items. He noticed the coffee pot didn't match the rest of the set.
Tom: What, he's Martha Stewart now?
Mike: That steel-trap Vulcan mind of his is sure working overtime tonight.
Crow: The blaring purple Barney the Dinosaur design didn't match the quaint
yellow Pikachu motif of the rest of the pieces.
Mike: Crow! No mentioning the names of evil!
> She saw his glance comparing the tableware, and said, "I dropped the pot that
> went with this set, and it shattered. It took Liz and I a week to find all the
> pieces."
Crow: [Spock] I believe you have mistaken me for someone who gives a rat's...
[Mike clears his throat.]
Crow: ...tail.
Tom: No, Jigglypuff is evil. Pikachu is merely overexposed.
Mike: Pikachu is evil, and I'll fight the 'bot who says it ain't so.
> He frowned, thinking.
Crow: Wow! Something new just happened!
Mike: He's probably thinking, 'Hmm, did I leave the TV on?'
Tom: I suppose a 'setting the sprinklers off' riff would be overdone right here.
> "What's the matter?"
Tom: [Spock] It's that portion of mass whose atomic cores are neutral or
positively ionized, but that's not important right now.
> "I shouldn't know what you're talking about, but I do. It happened when your
> husband...."
Crow: [Spock] ...forgot your birthday and you threw it at his head.
> He trailed off, uncertain of how to continue. Uncertain of how
> she might react to being reminded.
Crow: Unfortunately, she had PMS. The police were scraping up shreds of Spock
for days.
[Mike snickers.]
> "Yes, that's right," she nodded. "Perhaps you heard someone talking about it."
Tom: [Spock] No, you half-witted human, I'd have *remembered* that. Duh.
Crow: [Judy] More people I gotta kill. [Sighs] Wotta world.
> Just then the babies started to cry. Judy closed her eyes briefly.
Tom: [Judy] Yes! Distraction! I mean...will you excuse me for a few hours?
Mike: [Judy] Excuse me, dearest, while I throw the children from a window.
> When she opened them again, Spock was watching her with concern. "If one
> cries, the other will too, just so they know I've heard them. Please, excuse
> me."
Mike: How does Spock know that? Is this Judy talking? The heck?
Tom: The Phantom Narrator strikes again!
> She stood and left the room quickly, needing to get out from under his gaze
> before she started to cry. So familiar.
Mike: So she's been in a room with crying kids next door and a husband with
amnesia before?
Crow: [Spock] Are you gonna cry? C'mon, crybaby! Cryyyyyyyyyyyy...
> She knew how tender and sweet those eyes could be, but now they looked at her
> politely, but with no hint of recognition.
Mike: She probably shouldn't've bothered with the facelift.
Crow: Spock, you lead a charmed, charmed life.
> Spock sighed and sank back into the couch. He shouldn't have come here. It was
> killing him.
Mike: Man, those Vulcan couches are *vicious*.
> He wanted to tell her how he felt. He wanted to hold her and breathe in the
> scent of the apple shampoo she used. He wanted to ...
Mike: ...borrow her teddy.
Crow: ...hug her and squeeze her and love her and name her 'George'.
Tom: ...try out all the tricks he learned from watching Shatner all those years.
> Wait. How did he know she used apple shampoo?
Mike: He *smelled* it on her *hair*?
Tom: Wait, how did he know she was a woman at all?!
> He waited impatiently for her to return. When she had seated herself beside
> him again, he said, "Who are you?"
Mike: [Spock] And who am I? And what planet is this? And who was the fourteenth
President?
Tom: [whispers] Murphy. It's you.
> "What?"
Crow: No, What's on second.
Mike: Who's on first?
Tom: I don't know…
All: THIRD BASE!
Crow: At this rate, Spock's never going to get to *first* base.
> "Who are you? What relation are you to me that I should feel so ... protective
> of you? Who are you that I know things that no one else could know?"
Crow: o/~ Stuuuuuupid questions... o/~
Mike: [Judy] God, have a cow.
> She shrugged, noncommittally, and looked at the coffee pot. "I don't know."
Mike: [Judy] Do *you* know, coffee pot?
Tom: [Judy] I forget my own name a lot, too.
> "My parents have been avoiding telling me ... something, and now you're being
> decidedly vague with me as well. I had been hoping that you would be able to
> answer my questions. Whatever it is that being kept from me ...." He paused.
> "I think it would be best if I leave now."
Mike: [Judy] No, stay! Look at my etchings.
Crow: This episode of Ain't Nobody Gettin' None Theatre has been brought to you
by a grant from the Ford Foundation.
Tom: Let me get this straight. He'll 'heal' faster if nobody tells him anything
about his past, so he wanders around in a haze of confusion and half-
remembered images and feelings?
Crow: Got it in one.
> "If you think you should. Thank you for a lovely evening."
Crow: [Judy] ...dickweed.
Mike: Judy? Hello? Touch of human emotion?
Tom: 'Lovely evening'. Complete with snooping through her possessions and asking
her embarrassing and painful personal questions. Oh, they're a peachy
couple.
> "Thank you for inviting me," he replied heading for the door.
Crow: [Spock] ...trollop.
Mike: [Judy] Wait, won't you take a party favour?
Tom: Spock? Hello? Touch of human emo--oh, right. Never mind."
> "Feel free to call or drop by again. It's always a pleasure, Spock."
Crow: [Spock] Yeah, right. Don't you have to feed the huskies or something?
Tom: [Judy] I always cry while being pleasured.
Mike: [Spock] That's *Mister* Spock to you!
> He nodded politely and left. Judy closed the door behind him, leaned her
> forehead against it and cried.
Mike: [Judy] He drank all my boooooze!
Crow: [Door] Hey, leave me outta this!
Tom: The most emotionally gripping work since 'Spatulas for Dummies'.
> Finally she turned back to the living room and dragged the little box across
> the table to her. She sat on the edge of the sofa and sifted through the
> contents.
Mike: She's looking for the arsenic.
Tom: [Judy] This reminds me of my poor dear departed husband. Who just left.
Wait a minute, what am I missing here...?
> Jim had dropped it off yesterday and she hadn't had time to look through it
> yet.
Tom: Jim Vulcan. Sam's brother.
Crow: [Judy] Ewww, there's a dead tribble in here! No, wait, that's Shatner's
hairpiece.
> An identification packet and uniform insignia lay of the top. She put them
> beside her on the sofa and looked into the box again.
Mike: [Judy] Ooh, Narnia.
Crow: [Señor Wences] S'all right.
> Jim had emptied Spock's cabin aboard the ship and brought everything to her.
> This box was the last of his belongings.
Tom: [Judy] I hope I got a *cool* prize in my Happy Meal this time....What do
they call 'Happy Meals' on Vulcan?
Mike: Well-Thought-Out Segue meals?
Crow: The only thing missing was Spock's complete back issues of Orion Slave
Girl Quarterly.
> Under a command document, lay a few other small personal items, including a
> thin gold ring. She picked it up and looked at it.
Mike: [Judy] Man, what a piece of crap. I can't believe I fell for it.
Tom: 'Over hill and over dale, our love will *ever* fail'? What the...?
> It matched her own, exactly, and she had also never seen it before. Spock
> certainly never wore it, but the fact that he kept it with him meant
> something, didn't it?
Mike: It means he's a squirrel.
Tom: It means he has good taste in rings.
Crow: It means he deals in hot jewellery.
> Tears rolled down her cheeks again, but she made no move to brush them away
> this time.
> She placed the ring back in the box almost reverently, and opened the I.D.
> packet. She looked at the picture for a long moment,
Crow: [Judy] Wow, what does that Starfleet photographer do before shoots, wack
'em between the eyes with a ball peen hammer?
> before letting it slide
> from her fingers back into the box.
Mike: [snickers] And again.
Tom [Judy] Oh, Captain Kangaroo, how did I let you get away?
> She closed the box top carefully, and said to herself, "Well, I won't look at
> it ever again. I'll put it on the shelf in the closet. I guess I'll save it to
> give to Amanda and James when they're old enough to understand."
Crow: Cue violins...start rain machine...
Tom: She's going loonie. For example, she wrote this story....
> Several weeks passed, agonizingly slow to Judy. Then, one day Sarek called
> her.
Mike: [sighs] On the telephone, I bet.
Crow: We really *have* been watching this fanfic for several weeks! I thought it
was just me!
Mike: I *thought* I was hungry.
Tom: Actually, he just stood outside her house and yelled.
> "Spock is looking for his Starfleet I.D.s. Do you have them?"
Mike: [Judy] Eep, the jig is up!
Crow: [Judy] Nah, I sold 'em to some teenagers who wanted to buy beer.
Tom: [Judy] I made them into a nose ring. Do you like it?
> "Yes, Jim brought them to me. I'll drop the whole box off to you tomorrow.
> Will that be all right?"
Mike: [Sarek] No. I'm an Ambassador, you know. Some of us have lives.
Pearl [Sarek] No, that's okay. I'll just send the attack dog.
Crow: [Judy] You don't mind if I slit my wrists first, do you? Just checking...
> "Yes, fine. I'll notify my aide that you will be stopping by."
Mike: [Sarek] You're who again? Oh, right. Daughter-in-law.
Crow: Even in the future, the flunkies will still get all the dirty jobs.
Tom: [Sarek] I'll just let T'Sitonit know that you're dropping by.
> Judy walked over to Sarek's office to drop off the I.D. and other items in the
> box. She never looked inside it again, and had pretty much forgotten what the
> complete contents were.
Mike: [Judy] So *that's* what happened to our first child!
> As she set the box down, Sarek asked, "Is there anything you want for yourself
> or the children?"
Crow: [Judy] Child support. You'll hear from my attorney tomorrow.
> "No, that's all right. I have a few other things at home." She smiled. "If
> there's anything else he needs...."
Crow: [Judy] You know. 'Anything else'. Nudge nudge.
Mike: [Sarek] You had your chance. He's shacking up with a Bajoran dental
hygienist these days.
> Sarek nodded. "Yes, thank you. Amanda and I appreciate this."
Crow: [Sarek] We still swing, you know.
> "Least I can do. How...?" She wanted to ask, but at the same time she didn't,
> fearing the answer.
Crow: Forty-two!
Mike: AAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!
Tom: How. Ugh. Many moons ago, crappy fanfic start...
> "Progressing. Very slowly, but there is some progress. Nothing that would make
> that much of a difference," he finished quietly. He couldn't find the exact
> words he wanted, and hoped he wasn't sounding too insensitive.
Crow: [Sarek] You total bitch!...no, wait.
Mike: [Sarek] Well, he no longer thinks he's Willy Wonka.
Tom: [Sarek] She has addressed me as 'dunghead'. Obviously a Terran term of
endearment.
> "I should be getting back now. I'll talk to you later."
Mike: [whimpers] I've lost track. Who? Where? Why?
Crow: You know, she really isn't in a position to be making threats.
Tom: o/~ Get up and go! Get up and go! Get up and go back home. o/~
> Judy thought no more about the box or its contents until one warm Saturday
> morning when Spock came to her house.
Crow: In a ski mask. While Kato Kaelin was asleep in his guest house...
Mike: [Spock] Need your lawn mowed?
> "Spock? Hello," she said, rather surprised as she opened the door. "Please,
> come in and sit down."
Crow: [Spock] Hmmm...you got that couch under control yet?
Mike: [Spock] Due to the accident, I no longer bend in the middle. I will stand.
> She showed him into the living room and asked, "May I offer you refreshment?"
> It was a customary Vulcan question. Almost a prelude to any conversation.
Tom: All this action, *and* a lesson in comparative anthropology! Oh, the
excitement!
> "No," he said simply. "I need to talk to you."
Mike: [Judy] Oh, great, he's gonna *talk*. Give it to me, Mr Wizard.
Crow: Mike, I'm going into a coma. Try to revive me if something interesting
happens.
Mike: Hey, nobody's going into a coma without me.
> She nodded. "All right. Sit down, please. What can I do for you?"
Crow: Nope, not gonna say it. Couldn't care less at this point...
Tom: [Spock] "Not too much off the top, please. Leave the sideburns.
> "When I was here a few weeks ago, there was a small box on this table.
Mike: When do the Cenobites show up?
> I
> noticed that there was a identification packet and some insignia pins in it. I
> assumed the items had belonged to your husband."
Crow: [Judy] Well, when you *assume*, you make an—-
Mike: Right, we all know that one, Crow.
> Judy paled as she realized what he was saying.
Crow: [Judy] Words! I can unnerstan' 'em! Wit' letters and things!
> "My father told me the other day that he had gotten some of my belongings from
> Starfleet Command."
Mike: [Spock] He only retrieved two of my whoopee cushions, the moron.
Crow: [Spock] But he did it in a real cool, science-fiction way, so as not bore
the audience.
> "Most identification cards look exactly the same on the outside. As for
> insignia pins, well, I have a set that look the same as every other
> Commodore's in the 'fleet."
Mike: It...it's starting to s-sound...sound like...ARGH! [Dives under his seat.]
Crow: And Vulcans are *so* bothered by lack of individuality.
> "Yes, that is true, but there were other items in the box as well. In the box
> I saw on this table, I saw a reflections of light off of something made of
> gold. Since they were your husband's belongings, I assumed it to be a wedding
> ring. Is there something wrong?" he asked, as her eyes widened and she bit her
> lip.
Crow: Mike? Mike? Don't leave me alone up here, Mike!
Mike: [from below] I'm not coming out until it stops sounding like Ratliff.
Tom: I'm still here! [Leans over and starts snoring loudly.]
> She shook her head vehemently, and said, "No, go ... go on."
Crow: [Judy] Now go more. Yeah, keep going. Keep going....
Tom: Yes, Spock, Go-Go! Do the Watusi! Do *anything*!
> "Very well. The box my father gave me was identical to the one I saw here."
Crow: There are many fake Falcons, Mr....you're not buying this, are you?
Mike: [from below] Has it finished yet? When's the strawberry juice?
Tom: Captain Picard is telling Spock he's an idiot!
Crow: You know, Mike, I think I saw a few hobgoblins down there.
[Beat.]
Mike: [from below] I don't believe you.
> Judy said nothing.
Tom: [down at MIKE] *I'm* telling Spock he's an idiot! [Looks at the screen.]
Spock, you're an idiot!
Crow: Oh, yeah. They're about to have a rake battle.
[MIKE quickly retakes his seat.] I hate you for mentioning that, Crow.
Crow: War is hell, Nelson. Hell.
[MIKE mutters.]
> Spock continued. "I realize that one pasteboard box looks much like another,
> especially those available aboard Starships. My question is, however, why did
> I find in my box, a thin gold band ring that is identical to the one you wear?
> Who are you?" he repeated.
Mike: No. *This* is hell. War makes more sense.
Tom: Spock, This Is Your Life!
Crow: '...nor are we out of it.' Yep, makes sense.
> Judy answered almost inaudibly, without looking up. "I didn't want to tell
> you. Not yet. Not until you had a chance to heal and make up your own mind."
Tom: [Judy] You're my evil twin.
Crow: I was going to make a joke about Cartman's mother here, but I've lost the
will to live. Drat.
> "I wish you had told me. Then I wouldn't have spent so much time looking for
> something that was already there."
Crow: [Judy] Psych!
Tom: When did this turn into an episode of 'Highway to Heaven'?
> She looked up and smiled, awkwardly. "Do you ... remember me at all?"
Tom [Spock] You were the lady with the hairnet who used to serve me soup in
school.
> "I'm sorry, no, I don't. But," he continued quickly as she started to turn
> away, "perhaps with your help, I could ... refresh my memory."
Mike: Oh, ick. That better not be an innuendo.
Tom: Write that one down, Mike. You can use it in bars when we get back to
Earth.
Crow: [Spock] You know, pictures of dead presidents do a LOT for my memory,
knowwhatImean?
> "You don't know how hard it's been, talking to you, seeing you, but not being
> able to say all the things I wanted to."
Mike: [Judy] Like YOU HALF-BREED BASTARD, YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!! You know, stuff
like that.
Crow: But Spock already knew about Judy's vocabulary problems.
> "Like what?"
Tom: [Judy] Stuff like: Is all that crap about tunnels of light and dead
relatives true?
Mike: I riffed too early. I'm sorry, you guys.
Crow: No problemo, Mike. Maybe if we riff it in advance, we can leave early.
Mike: Hey, maybe. Or we can assume we'll be funny throughout the fic, and just
leave now.
Crow: Works for me! [Starts to leave.]
Mike: No, sit down. It's just a beautiful dream.
Tom: Don't tease us like that.
> "I miss you, I need you. Come home." She looked at her hands. "I love you."
Crow: [Judy's hands] I love you too! At last!
> Spock cleared his throat nervously. "Did I ... ever wear this ring?"
Mike: [Judy] Yes, and before you ask, the silk ones are mine.
Tom: Not nervously exactly. See, that's an emotion. So it's more like.. pseudo-
nervousness to cover simple curiosity. Mike, why am I talking like this?"
Mike: I don't know. Tom, did you get a peanut in your hoverskirt again?
Crow: Mike, he's applying logic! This is *not* good!
Tom: No, I think I overstimulated the technobabble chip, thus causing me to
spout inane polysyllabic pseudo-explanations.
Mike: Hey, hey, cut it out, Servo. The fanfic is bad enough on its own.
> "No. I'd never even seen it before I looked in that box."
Tom: That's because where he was wearing it isn't usually in view. [Beat.] I
meant his tongue was pierced.
Crow: [Spock] Oh, good, I was worried you knew about me and Tallulah.
> "Never seen it? Didn't we pick out your ring together? I thought that was
> customary."
Mike: [Judy] Yeah, on *Earth*, genius.
Crow: How convenient that his amnesia doesn't extend to obscure offplanet
marriage customs.
> "No, it was a surprise, for our first anniversary."
Crow: [Spock] The anniversary was a surprise? Wow, I *am* a guy.
Mike: Half-Vulcan, half-human, all-forgetful.
Tom: [Judy] Or as our friends called it, the We're-Amazed-You-Lasted-This-Long
Anniversary.
> "How long have we been married?"
Crow: [Judy] Human or dog years?
Tom: [Spock] Is this the year I get you a diamond or a piece of paper for a
gift?
> "Five years, in September."
Mike: In the future, all planets will use Earth's calendar.
Tom: September? STARDATE??? Help, guys! Say something reassuring.
Crow: Err...about 3.64 microns, provided we can do the Kessel run in less than
12 parsecs.
Tom: [sighs, content] Close enough.
> "You remember it all, don't you?"
Crow: [Judy] DUH! *I'm* not the one with amnesia, Chester!
> "Yes, every last bit. Even that parts I want to forget, I can't."
Mike: When did we start talking about Hobgoblins?
Tom: Even the parts like the beginning, the middle, and the end of this story, I
can't forget.
> "Tell me."
Crow: The combination is: one . . .
Tom: One!
Mike: One!
Crow: Two . . .
Tom: Two!
Mike: Two!
Crow: Three . . .
Tom: Three!
Mike: Three!
Crow: Four . . .
Tom: Four!
Mike: Four!
Crow: Five . . .
Tom: Five!
Mike: Five!
Tom: So, the combination is: one, two, three, four, five. That's the stupidest
combination I ever heard in my life! That's the kind of thing an idiot
would have on his luggage!
Mike: .... 1,2,3,4,5. That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my
Luggage!
Crow: The 'Spaceballs' sketch, folks.
> "What?! All of it? I couldn't possibly ... I wouldn't even know where to
> begin."
Crow: The problem is that you don't know where to *end*.
Tom: Begin at the beginning, continue until you get to the end, then stop.
Mike: In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth.
Tom: This made a lot of people very angry, and has widely been regarded as a bad
move.
> "The beginning."
Mike: She heard you, Servo.
Crow: [Spock]...moron.
Tom: That was Spock? INDICATE THE SPEAKER, FANFIC, or I will be forced to take
action!
Crow: I think that's Spock. Or it might be Judy. Or it may be Red-Shirted Extra
#7. I've lost track.
> "Of course. How logical. Well...,"
Crow: And in a freak coincidence, Spock wanders into character! The crowd goes
wild!
All: [dully] Yay.
> Judy told him everything she could remember, until late in the evening,
> stopping frequently to answer his questions. A lot of things, he did remember
> to some extent and she helped him fit the pieces together, like a jigsaw
> puzzle.
Mike: ...in that there were several important parts missing.
Crow: [dully] I am overwhelmed by the originality of her simile.
> He was introduced to his children, who squealed and held up their arms to him,
> wanting to be picked up. He did, almost gingerly.
Crow: [Spock] I want to see that DNA test again.
Tom: [Judy] These are your sons. Billy, Jimmy, Willy, and Oopsie. He was an
accident.
> "How old are they?"
Crow: If it was a Ratliff fanfic, they'd be commanding a starship by now.
Tom: Is that in Star Trek Years or Judy's Fanfic Years?
> "Two. Well, their birthday is in about three months or so, and they'll be
> officially two, then."
Crow: Excuse me. A fleet.
Mike: [Spock] Perhaps I did not make myself clear. When I asked their age, I
wanted it to sixteen decimal places.
> "They look like you."
Mike: [Spock] How *dare* you?
Crow: [Judy] No foolin', Einstein. Next question: Why?
Tom: [Judy] Excuse me, Spock? I'm over here.
> "They look more like you. Amanda showed me a picture of you when you were a
> baby and honestly, you could never tell the difference, except for the eye
> color."
Tom: [Judy] And the forked tongues.
Crow: [Judy] Thank goodness that Sarek messed around with the milkman's mother!
> They had a light supper, talking all the while. Judy answering questions,
> Spock asking them. Even a few she never thought she would hear from his lips,
> but she answered them, just the same.
Crow: [Spock] What did the President know, and when did he know it?
Tom: [Spock] I have often wondered: How many licks *does* it take to get to the
Toosie Roll centre of a Toosie Pop?
Mike: [Spock] Who wrote the Book of Love?
> Spock finally decided it was getting late and time to head for home. Judy
> stood by the door as he put his jacket on.
Mike: One more anachronism, fanfic, I swear...
Crow: A two-button number with wraparound sleeves.
Tom: They got into their Oldsmobile and drove down the deserted streets of New
York City, Vulcan.
> "Can we talk more, tomorrow, if you aren't busy?" he asked.
Crow: NO!
Mike: [Judy] Nope. Saturday is Silent Day.
Tom: [Judy] Sorry, tomorrow is someone else's day to use the larynx.
> "Certainly. We'll make another day of it."
Tom: o~/ Walking through the park, dancing in the dark, and reminiscin'... o~/
Mike: [darkly] Threaten *me*, will you, fanfic?
> He nodded, hesitating, then kissed her awkwardly. Opening the door, he stepped
> out onto the porch.
Tom: ... right into a gopher hole, breaking his ankle.
Crow: This is your chance, Spock! Get out of this crappy fanfic! It's too late
for us, but you can still save yourself!
> "You don't have to go, you know," Judy said.
Mike: Oh, Lord, no.
Crow: Demon! Demon!
Tom: Yes! Yes, he does! He has to shave his eyebrows to make them all pointy!
Mike: He can't stay! He's washing his hair!
> He looked at her, framed in the doorway. "I'd like to stay."
Mike: [panicking] No no no! No, you wouldn't! What about the kids, screaming
all night??
Crow: Everything that is good and wholesome in the universe just died.
Everything.
Tom: Great. I don't think even Crow's perverse enough to want to see Spock in
Starfleet-regulation underoos.
Mike: [calmer] No, wait. This is how she wants us to react. Let's be calm and
rational about this. It's nearly over.
> She held her hand out to him. He took it and stepped back inside, as she
> closed the door to the cold evening air.
Crow: DEATH! DEATH! DEATH! [Lunges for the screen.]
[MIKE grabs CROW.]
Mike: No! Stay with me, buddy!
Tom: [oblivious] Later that evening, the police arrived to investigate reports
of loud cawing and shouts of 'The ears! Use your ears!'
Crow: Abomination...must be destroyed....Thou shalt not suffer a Mary-Sue to
live!
Tom: [Slowly noticing Crow's outburst.] Maybe we should have Spock and Steelbeak
here kick each other's butts.
[CROW faints. MIKE picks him up.]
Mike: Wow, that worked, Servo. Well done.
[MIKE picks up TOM as well and leaves.]
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]
[MIKE, with two small vertical cuts on the left side of his face and dyed blonde
hair sticking up, stands alone on the bridge of the SoL. He addresses the
camera.]
Mike: Hi everyone. I remember that I'm Mike Nelson, and I remember I'm from
Wisconsin. I remember who am I and kind of about myself, but I...can't
make new memories. If we talk for too long, I won't remember how we
started. I don't even remember if I've met you all before.
[CROW enters from right.]
Crow: Hey Mike, I'm feeling mu—-
[MIKE suddenly seizes CROW by the throat.]
Mike: WHO ARE YOU, AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THIS...WHATEVER THIS IS?!
Crow: *Ack!* Mike, it's Cr...*ack!*...Crow! I'm Crow, you know?!
Golden robot, irresistible to women, trapped on the Satellite
with you?
[MIKE releases Crow.]
Mike: I'm sorry. It's just that I have this...condition. I've probably
told you about it.
Crow: Yeah, only every time you read a bad Mary-Sue fanfic. [Looks off-
screen left.] TOM! Mike's Guy Pearce-ing again!
[Deep 13. FORRESTER stands near the button, looking at the camera.]
Forrester: Well, that's a start, but I'm gonna to have to get a whole
lot more out of these experiments to take over the world than
Guy Pearce impersonations. Hmm...maybe I could talk to this Jack
Chick and work something out... [Strokes his chin thoughtfully.]
[SoL]
[The lights are low. TOM is swaying back and forth as MIKE watches him
intently, with CROW behind. MIKE looks rather drowsy.]
Tom [soothingly]: That's right, Mike. Follow my dome with your eyes.
Relax. I'm going to help you regain your memories through hypnosis.
When I count three, you're going to regain your *real* memories
because YOU'RE NOT AN IMMENSELY TALENTED ANGLO-AUSTRALIAN ACTOR BUT
AN AGGRESSIVELY BLAND WISCONSISAN TRAPPED IN SPACE WITH ROBOTS AND
FORCED TO WATCH HORRIBLE MOVIES AND READ TERRIBLE FANFICS!
Crow: Uh, Servo, are you sure that's what you normally do? I mean, I really
don't think that—-
Mike: Worked! Thanks, Tom. It's really freaky when I do that, I know.
Tom: Don't sweat it, Mike. I think there's a little bit of Guy Pearce...in
all of us.
[Deep 13]
Forrester: Oh for crying out loud, that's the sappiest...grr...
[He pushes the button.]
\ | /
\ | /
--- * --- PWOOOOSH!
/ | \
/ | \
'Remember Me' was originally written by Judy Gale.
'Here Comes Harry' and 'Weakness of "Scientific" dating method exposed' were
originally written by Jack Chick.
MiSTING BY: Chan-wu Yi (editor), Jonathan P. Bernick, Siobhan Morris,
Larry Isen, MadDog, Mambo, Pearl
MiSTING DIBS LIST MAINTAINED BY: Michael Neylon
LONG, LATE NIGHTS PROVIDED BY: Mountain Dew
DOWN BY: The Seaside
WATCH OUT: For snakes.
THANKS TO: MiSTies, MuSTies, Rich 'Lowtax' Kyanka, and the inventor of
pre-shredded cheese in a bag.
'Harry Potter' and all related characters and situations are trademarks of and
copyright J.K Rowling. All rights reserved. This editor is a proud Muggle.
Honestly, folks, why the obsession?
'(Just Like) Starting Over' is copyright Ono Yoko.
'Star Trek' and all related characters and situations are trademarks of and
copyright of Paramount Picture Corporation and Viacom. All rights reserved. Oh
corporate god that is Paramount, please don't sue me.
'Mystery Science Theatre 3000' and related characters and situations are trademark
of and (c) Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-commercial parody, review,
and commentary purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by others is intended or should be inferred.
No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or should be
implied. All characters in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual
people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Incident mentions of various situations and song lyrics should not be taken as
challenges to any legal copyrights and trademarks.
Special thanks to the authors of 'The Mystery Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg
Debacle', this editor's wonderful introduction to the MSTing world...and also the
model for this legal stuff. Thanks!
More special thanks to Jonathan P. Bernick for his assistance and proofreading.
Thanks!
Please email the editor at god_emperor77@yahoo.com with your condemnation or
slightly less vehement condemnation.
Keep circulating the posts.
Twaaaaang.
1 April 2003
----------------------------------------------------------------------
> "Who are you? What relation are you to me that I should feel so ... protective
> of you? Who are you that I know things that no one else could know?"