Devourers

Welcome to the interplanar council of taxonomy, friends. This meeting will feature a roundtable discussion on the enigmatic race of predators of the Astral and Ethereal planes known as the Devourers. Allow me to take a moment to introduce our worthy panalists. Clockwise, starting by the stuffed demarax:

Elminster is the Sage of Shadowdale, on the world of Aebir-Toril. Elminster says his great knowledge of the devourers comes from the fact that he is "friends with God." If I may ask, Sage Elminster, which god would that be?

"Mystra, Ed... If something is God, chances are I'm friends with it."

Okay. Our next panalist, filling in for the late Tarsheva Longreach, is Ronassic from right here in Sigil. Ronassic claims that he knows "a little something about everything." That's, great, Sage Ronassic. Would you mind telling our audience where you got those sucker scars that cover your face?

"Yes, I would."

Fine, that's your prerogative. Next to Ronassic is the experienced planewalker Mordenkainen, who says his expertise on the devourer race comes from "living in the Yatils." Sage Mordenkainen, where are the Yatils and why should we give a damn?

"Well, Seeker, may I suggest that your question is both fateous and jejune? The Yatils are none other than the terminus of the Black Cyst eminating from the subplanar prison of the Dark God, the feared doomcraefter Tharizdun? No question in my mind but the flux patterns of this unhallowed site has shown it to correspond exactly with the aura of the typical devourer (^ ^). While too much precision limits a magus' creativity, I have here a file detailing in simple terms my conclusions..."

Alrighty. Our next panelist is the arcanaloth A'kin, who..

"Arcanaloth? Oh, gracious, there seems to be a misunderstanding. I'm but a simple shopkeeper with a good memory for the activities of his customers. Oh, there's no doubt that I share certain features in common with those fell creatures due to my parents' unfortunate incarceration in Gehenna before I was born, and I commend you on your preception, but I assure you that I'm no more a yugoloth than Tarsheva Longreach was. I can show you some records supporting my statement, if you desire."

Why is your shop called 'The Friendly Fiend?'

"Oh, that." (laughs) "Many of my customers ask me the same thing, and the truth is, I have no idea. It had that name when I bought it."

I hadn't realized. A-OK Number One Slaad BlueOgThree Littleaye Nine insists it is both our first and last panalist. BlueOg is a gray slaad of great wisdom.

(A great discordance as six to twelve voices speak simultaneously, expressing four to fourteen different emotions)

"A-0k FORTY-TWO the Great Haphtarah Speaks."
"tHe GoDS abandon the fonT."
"tHE off-whiEt angels guard the gAte."
""Me am happy to be Here."
"All cHaos shall bleed." <----BlueOg answers questions not yet asked.

We're happy you're here, too, Sage BlueOg. Our final panalist is Agent Mirrorshades, a Keeper.

"No, there is no such thing as 'keepers.' I am merely a man who educates the misinformed."

I was told you were a Keeper. What, Sage Agent Mirrorshades, do you know of devourers?

"They do not exist. They are misinterpretations of swamp gas."

Swamp gas? On the astral plane?

"It sometimes drifts through two-way color pools."

I'm sure you'll be a welcome voice of dissent, Sage Agent Mirrorshades. Now let us begin the discussion. Sage Elminster?

"Ahem. So it's lore of the Devourer ye want? I expect that rascal Volo has already filled your heads with all sorts of wrong-headed notions about the beast. That Volo..."

No, he hasn't, Sage Elminster. Who's this 'Volo?'

"Oh." (Puts down pipe, exhales.) "The Devourer is an ancient beast, a foul creation of evil, dating back to the reign of the Netheril Empire. It seems that some of the Sorcerer-Kings of that day desired to gain magical might through the capture and draining of mortal souls. The foul spell that effected this is, thankfully, forgotten to all except the great silver wyrm Untrauveiar, myself, and an elder shoon in the Aurvywyr Desert. I can share it with you good sages over a substance I have discovered called 'ice cream' after the discussion..."

Sage Mordenkainen, did you have a comment?

"Yes, Seeker, I did." (arches eyebrows in a significant manner that loses everyone completely). "The 'Netheril Empire' indeed! As if the race of devourers was so young! In truth, this fell race is millions of aeons old, dating back to shortly after the imprisonment of the Dark God's second avatar. Dreaming, mighty Tharizdun seeks to create distruction in the multiverse beyond. Oh, and I'll take you up on your offer, El."

Sage Elminster, a rebuttal?

(Leans forward toward Mordenkainen, bushy eyebrows furrowed together) "Where did ye get evidence of this assertion of yours? Records mentioning the devourers drop off completely a mere five thousand years ago!"

Sage Mordenkainen?

"Their population waxes and wanes with Tharizdun's imprisonment! Bas-reliefs of devourers can be found on the walls of the hall of the cat-lord, and in the star-voyager Warden! The floating gems of Celestian sing of them in times so ancient the plane of Shadow had not yet formed a single shade!"

Sage Ronassic, a comment?

"Yes. You are both mistaken, if only partially. The population of devourers not not wax and wane. It is stable. The original creatures were all created at once at an era similar to that good Mordenkainen suggests, and it's not clear if any of them have been created or truly destroyed since. However, during certain epochs a great number of them have retreated to Negative Energy for purposes unknown."

(Elminster leans back and attempts to regain an aura of whimsy.) "And where's your evidence, Ronassic?"

Sage Ronassic?

"To your credit, Elminster, the souls carried by the most torpid of devourers did often seem of Netherese origin--"

(Agent Mirrorshades interrupts) "He can have none. All evidence of these so-called 'devourers' or this so-called 'negative energy' are fabricated by lone nuts."

You're out of turn, Sage Agent Mirrorshades.

"I apologize, Sergeant. I resign my position effective immediately."

What?

"Uh... 'The government may be forced to, for the common good, do some very bad things to you and your family if you continue this unfortunate and dangerous path?'"

Excuse me? What government?

"'I will wait to be recognized, Moderator?'?"

Oh. Very good, Sage Agent Mirrorshades. Sage Ronassic?

"I lived among the devourers as one of them for several decades. As solitary creatures, my encounters with 'others' of that kind were necessarily rare and elusive. Disguising my chest was particularly difficult." (Opens smock, revealing a hideous scar and semi-exposed ribs that drives many in the audience to the vomitorium)

Eeew. Sage BlueOg, I notice you have devoured several members of the audience. Do you wish to say something?

"The sEcond trump sounds."
"DevouRers laugh/DevourErs glee."
"tHe sEcond gate is the gAte of Fire."
"tHE fourteEnth gate is the First."
"my this am tasty; just like craP."
"tHE shinIng light of ChOas shall be your salvation and your saLvation."
"A'kin is too an arcanaloth; be don't ridiculous."
"Mmmm" <----BlueOg answers questions not yet asked.

(Elminster says, "We're all aware of A'kin's nature. We're not fools.")
(A'kin laughs lightly. "Oh, posh.")

That's fascinating stuff, Sage BlueOg. Are you saying that devourers are manifestations of Chaos?

"The first gate IS."
"The thousandth gatE IS not."
"Creation is a series of gates/"
"OpposE thE font, DEvourers!"
"Halfling feet are salty; mine is the HungEr eternAl."
"Devourers are hungry."
"ThE font destroys us all."
"mE so happy for you having me. Me Had terrible time."
"And your Salvation?&"

Interesting. Sage A'kin?

"For all that they fulfill their chosen place in the grand scheme of the multiverse, slaadi are notoriously bad with numbers, racial classification, and other halmarks of Law. In fact, there are only three gates, Yes, No, and Maybe, that define the totality of creation. The creatures of tonight's subject, the devourers, are children of the second gate."

That's an exceptionally abstract interpretation of Sage BlueOg's theories, Sage A'kin. Would you care to elaborate?

"Yes."

(Smiles.)

"Well?"

(Smiles.)

I see Sage Agent Mirrorshades has a comment. Sage Agent Mirrorshades?

"The theories of the shopkeeper and the man in the frogsuit are extremely dangerous. For public safety and the eradication of (click) dangerous militia groups, I must urge them, in the name of His Majesty and the Lady, to return to the bosoms of the gods before they doom us all to a quagmire of violence and rebellion."

What alternative theory would the gods suggest, Sage Agent Mirrorshades?

"Ah, swamp gas. Kids playing pranks. Flaws in the lens."

I see. Sage Mordenkainen.

"I'm well aware of the trinary theory of reality, and I largely endorse it. However, it begs the question: if devourers are "No," then what is "Yes?" What is "Maybe?" Which are the souls the devourers prey on? First and foremost, why is everyone reacting to the Keeper and Old Slaady as if they weren't speaking complete gibberish?"

Sage Elminster?

"I concur with Mord. 'Agent Mirrorshades' is a blasted fool. I move we enspell him somewhere where he can't hurt anyone."

Sage Mordenkainen?

"I wouldn't go that far. Keepers do have a role, if an obscure one, in the Balance. However, I would like to propose the asuras and gk'lok''lok as the devourers' counterparts associated with the other two gates."

I hadn't thought of that. What's your reasoning?

"I'm not prepared to elaborate just yet. I will publish a paper after more research."

(Raises hand) "If I might?"

Sage Ronassic, yes.

"I think Mordenkainen's elaboration of the trinary gate theory is intriguing, but I would replace 'asuras' with the lillendi. I believe them to be a more ancient race, as well as a more independent one, though they fulfill similar mythological functions among some groups."

Sage Mordenkainen, a reply?

"An intriguing notion! I confess, I hadn't thought of that. Well done, Ronassic!"

Sage BlueOg?

"BlueOg no more! Me am PurpleOg!"
"The one path of the Time's gaME splits along parallel lines."
"All roads lead to the Choosing."
"Chaos is clarified gAtes."
"Me hadn't thought of that either. Me am smart!"
"Thus the worlds will be rEmadE in firE."

That's a scary thought, Sage Blue -- excuse me -- PurpleOg. That's all the time we have for today. Next week we'll be discussing the Gk'lok"lok. I understand that Sage Ronassic used to live among them.

"Lies! Lies of the Banished Ones! There are no gk'lok"lok! People, unite!"

"Tell me straight, A'kin. Are you the Nameless behind the yugoloth section of Faces of Evil?"

"Oh, my dear Ronassic. I'm given to understand that the Nameless is a githzerai, and dead. Dead as poor Tarsheva."

"You're telling me that this Ed of the Green Wood provides you with all the food you want?"

Goodnight everyone.

"Ciao!" (Mordenkainen waves)