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It doesn’t matter what I want,
It doesn’t matter what I need
It doesn’t matter if I cry
Don’t matter if I bleed…
The sun sank slowly below the horizon and Buffy heaved a sigh. Won’t be long now, she thought, watching the road. The town was quiet, out of the way. No one would ever find her and Angel here. And that was what she wanted. Her façade of being “fine” was slowly crumbling away, and she didn’t know how much longer she could keep it up. She didn’t want Willow and the others to regret bringing her back, but every day the urge to say something – anything -- to anyone was growing stronger and stronger. Honey-blond strands were brushed from her eyes as she peered down the road again. The motel several yards behind her turned on the neon lights of its sign, bathing the dirt in brilliance. Buffy sighed. Angel couldn’t have left L.A. too early – there was no need for him to become a human torch – but she did hope that he arrived soon. She didn’t want to be alone at night. It wasn’t that she was afraid – she was completely capable of taking care of herself – it was that she didn’t want to fight anymore. She was tired of it. At last she saw a glint of metal, a flash off a windshield, and her heart skipped a beat. Even after all this time, just the sense that Angel was near was enough to have an effect on her. She watched as the car pulled into a parking space and the headlights shut off, but she couldn’t bring herself to move from her spot. She couldn’t bring herself to make the first move. Angel climbed from the car and her breath caught in her throat. He paused a moment before walking over, stopping just inches from her. She looked up, and the concern in his eyes nearly made her melt. But she had to be strong. She couldn’t let him see that she was falling apart. Slowly, so slowly she didn’t even realize what was happening, he pulled her into his arms. She surrendered, wrapping her arms tightly around him and holding him close. The last time she’d seen him had been after her mother’s funeral before…everything. She needed this. But she wouldn’t tell him. She couldn’t tell him that she had been happy. She couldn’t hurt him like that. “Buffy,” he whispered against her hair, more a breath of air than a word. With that one simple word, she almost lost it. She blinked rapidly, trying to staunch the flood of tears that threatened to flow down her cheeks. She had to keep her emotions in check. She couldn’t break down, not now. Instead she tightened her grip on him, her anchor in the storm. “Angel,” she responded softly, burying her head in his shoulder. Her pulled away to arm’s length and looked her over, gently brushing a few loose strands of hair from her eyes. A smile touched his lips as he stared into her eyes. “When I heard…When Cordelia told me that…you were alive…” “A bit of a shock, I know,” she replied as she tried to smile. “Believe me, it was just as much of a shock to me. Coming back to life and all.” Angel stared at her critically, and she almost blushed. “It would have been, returning to life from Hell.” He closed his eyes a moment and she knew he was reliving that horrible time when she’d been forced to send him to Hell to save the world from Acathla. “Willow told me what happened, with Glory and Dawn. She told me that you’d sacrificed yourself to prevent Hell on Earth. I couldn’t believe it. It was so…sudden.” So final, she thought to herself. Or at least I thought so. She dropped her eyes to the ground, suddenly unbearably tired. Angel rested a hand on her shoulder, causing her to look up. For a brief second, he thought he saw a shimmer of tears in her eyes, but the next second it was gone. He shook his head. “Are you okay?” No. No, I’ll never be okay as long as I’m alive, she wanted to scream, but she only nodded. “Just tired. There’s been…stuff going on back home, and I haven’t been able to get much sleep. That’s all.” Angel knew she wasn’t telling him the whole truth, but he knew better than to pry. He only nodded, looking back at the motel and inclining his head towards it. “We can spend the night here. I’ll stay with you for as long as you want me to.” Forever? If I asked, would you stay with me forever? Buffy nodded, and began walking towards the building, her mind a tangled web of thoughts. Should she tell him, or shouldn’t she? She couldn’t keep this bottled up forever. She’d drive herself insane. But she couldn’t burden Angel with her problems. He had enough of his own as it was. So for the moment, she kept her peace.
You’ve been on a road
She couldn’t sleep. She knew what awaited her the moment she closed her eyes and succumbed to slumber. She couldn’t deal with the dreams again. The dreams of what she’d lost when her friends had torn her from her happiness and brought her back to this world, this hell. So she feigned sleep, instead watching Angel as he read across the room. But she didn’t smile. Even the sight of her former lover couldn’t bring a real smile to her lips.
She didn’t know when or how, but somehow she fell asleep. Images assaulted her, a feeling of peace suffused her body. She felt like she was drifting away. She felt so warm, so protected. Then the feeling changed. She found herself on the tower, looking at the great crackling portal, and an intense resolve swept over her. She ignored Dawn’s pleas and screams, prepared herself, and jumped… She didn’t even realize she was the one screaming until she found herself looking at Angel’s concerned countenance. He had been shaking her gently, trying to wake her up. His hands on her shoulders were warm, compared to the deadly cold that had filled her body. She was shivering, shaking uncontrollably from the images she’d seen. Angel eased himself onto the bed next to her, and she all but fell into his arms, curling against his chest as she tried to rid herself of the images, the memories of her last hellish moments on Earth. He rubbed her back in a circular motion with one hand, the other gently stroking her hair. “Buffy…” he said softly. “I know what you’re going through. I know what it’s like to have been through what you’ve been through…” “No,” she interrupted him, hazel-green eyes lifted from his shoulder to stare into his eyes, which now wore a troubled expression of confusion. “No, you don’t understand. No one understands. No one can.” “Buffy, I do. I was there, I was in the same place that you were. I know what it’s like ---” She pulled away, shaking her head. “No,” she said more forcefully. “No, you don’t understand. Are you listening to me? You were in Hell! Were you happy where you were? Were you surrounded by things that made you happy? Do you know what it’s like to have that torn from you ---” She stopped suddenly, seeing the shock in his eyes. She lowered her head and covered her mouth with her hands. She hadn’t meant to say that. She hadn’t meant to tell him. If you’ve made up your mind to go“Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?”
Buffy sighed, but nodded. They would always be together, though miles separated them physically. And it was too hard to be around him, to know they’d had, what they could never have again. She didn’t need that pain on top of what she was already trying to deal with. So she forced herself to be strong, to send him back to L.A., back to his work. “I’ll be fine. I’ll deal. I have to sort through this on my own, deciding whether or not to tell them.” Angel nodded in reply, looking out the window. The last of the sun’s rays had vanished, and the sky was painted in colors of violet and navy blue. Without a word Buffy grabbed her jacket and slipped it on. Almost time for her to catch the bus back to Sunnydale. Angel had offered to drive her but…it would be better if they said goodbye here, instead of in Sunnydale, where it would be so much harder. Memories and all that. They stood outside a moment, watching the moon begin to rise over the horizon. Silently they looked at each other, each with unspoken thoughts shining in their eyes. Slowly they moved towards one another, lips meeting each other in one last kiss. Angel wrapped his arms around Buffy, and she slid her arms around his neck. When she was with him like this, she felt like she was regaining the taste of heaven she’d had. She almost asked him to stay with her when they broke apart, but she knew in her heart that it wasn’t realistic. They broke the kiss, and Angel reached up to touch her cheek once, before she heard the sound of the bus pulling up at the stop. Angel watched as she turned, boarded the bus, and found a seat. However it wasn’t until she looked at him out the window, waving one last goodbye, that he realized from the light of the moon shining on her face…that there were tears on her cheeks. Feel the sting of tearsThe End
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