It started out as hurt feelings and disappointment in that ; I thought he really just didn't want me around. I also thought, as often as these people wind up sending him away on five to fourteen day trips across country; that was surely enough time for anybody to get away for a while from the insanity which goes along with having an extremely co dependent lover to live with. I know I am special to him, if I wasn't; he'd be alone right now, or with someone else. I just wanted him to go that one extra mile and do the utmost unexpected thing, to show his love and special appreciation for me as his own special temporary loan from God, one that I might add; he won't have forever. I'll not have him with me forever either; that's why I can sometimes be so jealous and possessive ; I know how precious time is. I want to spend as much of it as possible with him, making memories that would help us both through the grieving process when the time comes and give us so much more to talk to each other about while we're both still here.

Here's the part where I made an ass of myself. I got my feelings hurt, which eventually just made me lose my appetite and eventually more hurt, and of coarse , that just led to anger from not understanding why he didn't want me with him. I got pretty pissie after sweetly asking him to take me home, instead of having me drive his car back. I had told "Della" my coworker, when asked what was wrong; I woke up with stomach cramps and diarrhea. Foggy so often makes fun of me when I don't feel well by accusing me of being whiney, when he said why; I thought he said his usual, waaa. He hurt my feelings and this time I was pissed. After getting my feelings hurt over High Point, him not wanting me with him and then that waaa; I started getting really mad and bitchy with him. Of coarse he had no clue as usual, as to why.

Ron said he could take me home early if Foggy wanted; since I was feeling very ill. I thought Ron would have told him that himself. That made me even angrier when Foggy suggested Ron take me home instead of him. Me knowing, that the only reason he chose to go without me and today, was because he was so itchy to be with his Ex this coming weekend just added more fuel to an already raging flame that would have to be tempered with a lot of love and special treatment to put it out. Foggy got so angry with me, that I was afraid he was going to move out when he came back, after hearing him tell me, that when he came back we were going to talk.

After we came back home and I coaxed it out of him what had happened; I found out, that he couldn't have taken me with him, because according to him the dock at the show room is not open on Saturday. Then he understood why I had acted the way I did. I wanted him to ask me to go with him and I didn't know, that he couldn't have taken me with him, even if he had wanted to. I got all hurt, angry and bitchy with him for absolutely nothing. It was all beyond his control. You can imagine what a fool I feel like even now, seven to eight hours later. I really wonder sometimes why he even puts up with a tired, selfish, old set in his ways Queen like me; I guess he really means it, when he says; he loves me.

So long for now.

"Thoughts from the Crypt 9"

Friday May 10th,2000

9:11 P.M.

Foggy got back early tonight from High Point. He got back about an hour ago. I have to say I am very glad to see him. I usually really hate it when he's gone like this, and I really did miss him, but I think I've figured out why it winds up being so difficult to deal with him being gone sometimes. I just don't give myself enough to do to keep me busy while he's away. I mostly just sit around moping and not doing anything with myself.

I decided to try a different approach to my usual way of coping with his absence last night. I watched "Wild Discovery"; which is one of my favorite shows. After that I watched a "Discovery Special" on conjoined twins and the breakthroughs, that have been made in reference to the separation of such children. I then decided, that I would go ahead and finish my journal from the day before, and then start on my entry for the day at hand, which was yesterday. I then tried to go to sleep, but couldn't sleep in the bed this time without Foggy there with me. I got a comforter from the bed, turned on the fan in the bedroom and the living room, turned on the "Sacred Drums" CD and prayed to God to bring Foggy home safely to me once again. I asked for his courage, strength and hope for the changes, that I am trying to make for the betterment of our love and relationship together. While engaging in that prayer I fell peacefully asleep. It was surprisingly not a bad experience at all. I missed him, but I enjoyed my time alone with myself for at least one night.

So long for now.