"Thoughts From The Crypt"5

Okay I'll try to do this again. I had just entered a great journal entry and lost it trying to save it. Computers really piss me off sometimes. Anyway, Will gets kind of goofy and giddy when he's drinking something with vodka. It can also make open up more honestly as well as being more passionate and less Inhibited with me in bed. He told me that he would have sex with me like that a lot more often if I wasn't HIV+, but it scares him. I asked him if he was telling me that he's afraid to have sex with me more often for fear that he would be increasing his chances of becoming infected. He said that wasn't it. I had to tell that it sounded like that was what he was saying to me. I didn't get angry; that wouldn't have accomplished anything good for either of us. To be really honest about it; it did hurt my feelings but; what can I do? Why get angry with someone for being afraid of something he doesn't really understand much about?

He even said that he's often tempted to get drunk a lot more often so that he can feel less afraid and inhibited to provide me with more and better sex (which he also wants). The only thing holding him back from that is fear of the same thing I've feared for him lately, him becoming an alcoholic.

There is really only one thing that I can say for him; He's doing so much and trying so hard to satisfy my desires; I'd be a foolish idiot to ever feel the need to ask him again if he loves me. He's proving that to me more and more all of the time these days. I just hope that I can do the same appropriately. God knows I love him and would never want to hurt him. I am going to do the best I can to be as much as I can what he wants and needs. I just have to make sure I don't lose myself in the process. I don't think he'll let me if I stay open and honest with him. So long for now; till we talk again.

"Crypt Thoughts 5 Amended"

March 1 2002

9:45 P.M.

I got a call a few minutes ago from a guy named Tray. He sounds cute and right up our ally; I figured if he can find the place I'll try him out if he's appropriate for our desires and talk to Foggy about him. I hope he's what he sounds like he's going to be. I `d hate for the poor fellow to come all the way over here from the cinemas on Bardstown Road and be disappointed cause he didn't get any. I know myself I'd probably feel sorry for him and at least give him a little something. I just hope he's really good looking and it works out that Foggy and I can have together. I hate doing things that disappoint him. It makes me feel like such a heel afterwards. It's even worse when I tell him about it. I think if he does find the place I'm going to go ahead and just tell him if he's not what we both want that; I'm sorry but if he's not going to be attractive to both of us, neither of us does him with or without the other present. That's our agreement. Sorry for the hassle and inconvenience. Better luck with the next fellow. I really am sorry. Well I guess that's just about it for now.

I was kind of mad at Foggy tonight. I know I expect too much from him sometimes; I know I do. He's doing so much and trying so hard with everything. He's really made great strides in progress. I really need to stop being so hard and expectant of him. So I didn't get near the degree of what I consider minimal attention tonight. That is what made me angry. I started to digress back into my stupidity mode and almost went out to fuck Eric just to relieve the anxiety but; I got to thinking about it and that would not have worked any better to night for that purpose than it ever has before. So I didn't do it. I could have kept calling after I found out he was on the phone but; I decided to quit while I was ahead. I think I did a good thing for myself.

So long for now.

The Raven
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