I HEAR YOUR VOICE...A Journey of Recovery and Discovery of Self.

This space is dedicated to all persons that have been ravaged by the
devastation of abuse. It is for like souls who seek freedom from these atrocities. Let my voice be heard...in some way let the silence be broken. In this space you will hear the music of my heart, and the sorrow of my soul captured...readily awaiting your perusal. My words speak of pain, joy, love, betrayal, desire, anger,the heart, and the many emotions experienced in this life journey. Be advised some material may be triggering.

I Hear Your Voice
Shall my words become a guide,
For those whose voices go unspoken?
For those who've traveled a narrow solitary road,
Shall a wider, less perilous path be broken?
Will you realize you're not alone,
When I tell my story true...
If I make myself vulnerable
Revealing heart and soul to you?
For far too long our pain has gone unseen.
For far too long our voices fallen silently.
So, my purpose is to make us known...
No longer shall others deny us our reality
No longer shall we go unheard,
Nor permit others to make our choice.
No longer, in darkness shall we hide,
For in every word I speak, sonorously...
"I Hear Your Voice"

I Was Just A Child
I was just a child.
I didn't have dreams.
I didn't know
what I wanted for the future.
I just wanted you to go,
but you still took me away.
Why did you ever have to come,
for you brought the pain.
I was just a child,
but I knew to hide,
and I knew to lie,
Anything to rid myself of you.
To get away
from the hurt to come,
for you always hurt me.
And I thought there was
something wrong with me.
Maybe I was as evil
as you said I was.
And that scared me.
I didn't want the devil to get me.
But now I know,
With all the things I did,
All the pain I accepted,
All the tears I cried,
And the hatred I felt,
I was still just a child.

Grieve
There's a little lost girl inside
that reaches out.
as she did so long ago.
She wanted love, affection, and attention,
but instead she was swallowed up in your depravity.
She cries.
Now, it's okay
She laughs.
And it's real laughter.
She rocks me to sleep
when there's no other comforting hand.
She listens to my sorrow,
for there is much to tell.
And still she wants love and approval.
What you took...
My smile,
the laughter in my eyes,
the joy of closeness and hugs.
You misconstrued boundaries,
leaving me puzzled and alone
afraid of reaching out
because again I would hurt.
I can't remember joy
that was not overshadowed
by pain, sorrow, or fear.
I can't touch my children
and have them touch me
without the lingering fear
of doing something wrong,
or making them into sick individuals.
What did you take?
You took all that I could have been,
my courage,
and my desire to live.
You took my love and tainted it.
You took my confidence...my sanity.
Maybe I could've been the singer, author...somebody.
You took my innocence,
my dreams... the light.
Now I fight for reality,
love,
acceptance,
my children,
understanding,
trust,
oneness of self,
and the love of who I am.
I fight for truth,
my sanity,
laughter,
joy,

peace...Me!

 



THIEF
With every kiss,
I eagerly opened to you my soul.
For every caress,
receiving love was my primary goal.
Each time I offered,
you took all I had to give,
leaving me drained
emotionally empty.
I gave freely,
hoping this time
some feeling would escape,
maybe I'd catch a remnant of your love.
Again Nothing.
In the end
I always felt incomplete,
knowing I was missing something,
feeling barren and still needing.
And I realized,
though I gave
and opened to you,
you took
and left nothing
thief!

I Cry For Hope
I've lain in your arms and cried.
I've cried in the throes
Of making love.
And you didn't hear me
As the tears silently
Slid down my face.
Yet I begged you to love me.
I begged you to see me.
The pain and emptiness inside
Grew and ate at my heart.
And the more I needed,
The more I felt, the
Smaller my heart shriveled.
It needed love to live,
And getting that was so scarce
That it barely kept beating.
Now it slowly drums,
Just there,
and with little life.
Silently I yearned for
Some semblance of love.
For years begging to
Be rejuvenated,
But never giving up hope.
Now I walk through life
Just knowing I'm here,
Trying not to beg for more,
And trying not to feel the
Emptiness,
but to go on,
And do what I need
To do each day.
And where I used to cry for love,
I cry for hope.

Beauty
Beauty
is
in
the
eye
that's
closed
and
the
ear
that's
opened.

My Heart
My heart is...
so big,
so full,
so caring,
so empty,
so lonely,
so needing,
and still I love.

How Do I Love Me
How do I love me?
I look in the mirror,
And I see what you see.
Sometimes I'm disgusted,
And don't see any beauty,
But my spirit is beautiful.
My thoughts are intelligent.
I have a lot of love to offer.
Who's going to take
What I have to give
When you can't see my heart?
And again the question.
How do I love me?
Where do I start?

You called On Me
You called on me
to be a friend.
And there I was
even then.
You needed someone
to share your dreams,
And there I was
still again.
You wanted me to
share your world,
But when I got close
you closed the doors.
What was my purpose,
for being there?
When I got close
you vanished,
drifted like smoke,
thinning rapidly in the air,
but I was always there,
And here I am again.
You called on me
You needed me as a friend.

Cry
Cry if that is what you miss.
If you need to wash your soul.
If the tears are a symbol,
Of something gone forever.
Seconds, minutes, hours, days,
Turned into years of yearning,
For the lost ones.
And they had names.
They had smiles,
Things that you tore away,
With our innocence,
And childhood.
You took a part of our gift.
The gift of life which
Was given,
Whether we were joyously
Received in this world.
We were gifts that you didn't
Bother to unwrap.
You didn't let us shine in the
Light of life.
You stifled us with darkness
And cruelness.
Yes we can cry.
Cry if you need.
You have the right to mourn.
Grieve the child you lost.

No Answer
I see you,
And I wonder.
Is it time?
You come to me by day,
Yet, you never answer.
You slowly drift away.
And I cry the tears
Of hopelessness and pain.
Are those tears in vain?
Begging your return.
Please take me.
Where there is peace.
Where I can feel no pain,
And I ask,
Is it my turn,
And no answer still again

A Little Love
Sometimes I think,
What I wouldn't give,
To be a little girl again.
To know love and kindness.
To remember the old pain,
And see it washed away
With peace and joy.
To laugh,
The sound of innocence.
To cry of simple hurts.
To be wrapped in loving
Embraces of those
Who honor my youth,
Who cherishes my existence,
Who encourages
My independence.
And watch me grow,
Into a whole
Thriving entity,
Sure of myself,
And their love of who I am.
Walking life's path,
Assured with the knowledge
That I am loved.
Especially,
By my heavenly Father
Whose hands have guided
Those hands that have held me.

 
The Choice
To love again
Would be a sin,
If it doesn't
Evolve around you.
To open my heart,
And share your dreams,
Would that in love be true?
I've heard it said
That love is not an emotion,
But the choice
In which you choose.
To select the one
I choose to love,
Then I know the choice is you.
The difference in choice,
The impact of emotion,
Is often hard to define.
In knowing emotion,
And knowing you,
The choice of you is mine.

Tired
I'm tired.
When I sleep I don't rest,
And when I rest
I don't recognize it.
It's always a constant struggle,
A threat to my being.
Someday I'll fall off the side,
And no one will realize I've gone,
Because I pretend it's all right.
If no one sees me
How will they know?
I've rested before,
But found no peace.

 
Soul Mate
I don't know how many nights
I've longed to be held.
Time has gone by , and even
Without tears I cry.
Needing to be loved,
To be touched,
Gently caressed.
So long filled with passion,
Unfulfilled yearnings,
A woman unloved,
Consumed with unreleased
Desires that only the
Soul can quench.
More than a physical hunger,
Mind, heart, and soul,
Crave the nourishment
Of your love.
Needing to give
What's within.
Unable to reach you.
Where have you hidden?
Where even my heart can't find.
Has creation manifested the being Who is
Soul mate.
Able to accept
All of me... The gentle one
That laughs, cries,
Grows,
Together with me.
So much a part of
Who we are.
Soul mate fly with me.

 
I Melt
When I hear the sultry
smoothness of your voice
I close my eyes.
As you mold me
into what you would have me be.
With every breath
melting me
into the nothingness
that is oh so sweet.
While chills of arousal
and anticipation riddle
down my spine,
I knowingly accept the fact
that if I'm your's,
then just as surely
you are mine.
Each time eagerly
I've given to you my all.
And while outside
I may appear restrained
Inside excitedly I await
your next call.
And when I hear your voice
my own becomes raspy
my breathing becomes thin
And for you,
rapturously I melt
into the nothingness once again.

Lost
In time I've;
lost ground,
fallen short,
forgotten the place
where love held me,
closed my eyes
to what I'd hidden within,
in search for the peace
that He gave.
I can't hold it,
own it for myself...
losing it
in remembrance of yesterdays.
Uncertainty boiling inside,
emotions rumbling,
unsettled...feeling lost,
alone, separated from
the God I know.
Unable to hold onto
His dream for me...
so used to being
swallowed in misery.
Was it a dream...
His love,
His peace,
His shelter,
His tenderness,
His mercy,
And the grace of God?
Has He turned
His face from me?
I know that's not true!
I feel this emptiness,
but I know he hasn't left me.
Somehow,
I've closed myself off again...
so used to giving up...
but I have to believe
He will see me through.
And until I can believe
enough to hold onto Him...
I'll allow Him
to just hold onto me.

In Faith
Can't He open my eyes,
If He can make a blind man see?
With His touch He has healed,
So can't this be so if He touched me?
If He will save so many when they come,
Am I not one of the many some?
Since there is peace through His grace,
Won't I be gloriously blessed,
At the sight of His face?
For is He not also my
Heavenly Father from above?
I know He constantly blesses me
With mercy, grace, and love.

Both of the following poems are in loving memory of my father, Charles Wilson born June 11, 1921 to May 11, 1991. The one who loved me unconditionally, and never ever hurt me. Daddy I love and miss you. I'll always be Daddy's girl. Save a spot on your lap for me in heaven.

Separations
Separations are so hard
they wrench and pull so much
from my heart. It seems just when
I have someone, and they seem so close,
I have to say goodbye, and that hurts the most.
I don't know how to hang onto
those feelings...the ones that we
seem together to share, because
when I'm alone those feelings disappear.
I wish I could hold onto the way I feel.
I wish I had something that time, nor
distance could steal.
And when you're gone
so very far away I wouldn't
feel so all alone and empty
longing for you to come back.
I don't understand why it has to be this way.
Yes, it's so very hard to say goodbye,
but I'll hold you close to my heart,
and I won't cry.

 

A Tribute To My Father
Would you rather I cry...
See my tears and pain?
I'd rather not fall to pieces.
The Lord hears my sigh.
He knows in my heart
I try to find peace.
So as not to be selfish...
To be happy instead of sad...
I'll try not to feel the hurt.
I'll try not to miss him,
But oh, Father,
It's so hard.

Dreamer
Dreamer,
Did you stop envisioning?
Did you stop hearing?
Did you stop owning?
Did you stop dreaming, Dreamer?
Where have you hidden my hopes?
Where have you taken my will?
Where have you put my strength?
Where have you placed my longing?
Where have you gone?
Did you lose heart?
Did you lose meaning?
Did you lose color?
Did you lose spirit?
Did you lose self, Dreamer?
Dream for me again.

 
Eating to Fill
Eating to fill.
A void so deep.
Getting lost in grief.
All alone.
Surrounded by those...
Who loves me...
When I feel so empty,
Unconnected,
Pieces adrift,
No where to anchor,
Lost in the sadness,
Mourning love?
Remembering...
Always remembering.
The pain...
So new,
From so long ago.
Will it ever let me go?
Will I ever be filled
With the understanding,
Gentle love,
Of dreams so far gone?
Will I forever be trapped
In the sorrow?
Fill me, feel me
Touch the empty
Broken places
That eating never filled.

The Biggest Betrayal
It is so unfair, and cruel to hurt a child...
To take away the innocence.
The betrayal is devastating.
I thought you were my mother,
my cousins, my friends.
You turned my love and trust around.
I began to see you as a threat.
You became my enemy
even though I couldn't voice that feeling.
I knew I could never trust you
with the child within...
The one that cried for love,
acceptance and understanding.
The child that needed tenderness
and compassion got buried.
She hid behind the pain.
She swallowed the tears
of loneliness and grief.
The innocence left her eyes
along with her pure and easy smile.
She knew unease and fear,
for it became her life.
It made her feel alive,
for the injuries you inflicted
made her numb.
I grieve for that child.
She is so lost within,
so buried
beneath your garbage and pain.
Sometimes even I can't find her,
but I'm learning
each time I begin to feel
how to see her,
and to pull her out
from under the filth and shame.
She's finding friends and love again.
And the smile that you tore away
sneaks out and lightens other's faces.
I can feel the twinkle in her eyes.
One day she'll learn
to live in my world comfortably,
without pain and fear.
And the world will be brighter...
just because she smiled.

Who Do You Think...
Who do you think you're fooling?
I see the truth.
I know the secrets...
How life has shadowed...
Your dreams;
Buried beneath the pretense.
How you've gone on...
Fighting to live
A life you never owned.
You borrowed time;
Experiencing nothing...
Only participating,
Cooperating with time
Because you had no choice.
You try to block out knowledge...
Of who you really are,
Fearing someone will hear...
They'll recognize that little voice,
And realize you've only wasted
Another soul's chance at life.
I know you never chose
This life which
Was thrust upon you.
Who do you think you're fooling?
I know the truth.
Who chose to live?
It certainly wasn't you.

 

Inside Outside
Inside is where you shrivel,
Outside mourning the death of life.
Inside where no one can see you,
Outside hiding from depth.
Inside crying,
Outside rasping for each breath.
Inside so small,
Outside the whole world.
Inside feeling,
Outside avoiding.
Inside imprisoned by pain,
Outside losing reality...insane.
Inside scared...alone,
Outside pretense of togetherness.
Inside of outside,
the picture of self shows.

Beloved Indeed
Beloved indeed...
so immerged, melded, within my heart,
that I don't know where you end...
so entwined encompassing my being
where do you leave and I start.
You can not ask for anymore
than I have already given...
the parts of me
that had never been touched,
opened and now
with you, my soul has blended.
In our love, tenderness
echoes, reverberating,
meeting a need so deep,
touching the heart,
no longer being self...
but you becoming part of me.
And our oneness...
so tantalizingly exquisite,
as you withhold,
release me,
drowning the senses.
Carry me to oblivion...
beckoning me to vocalize,
demanding acclamation,
drawing me from within,
so completely enraptured....
the fullness of passion realized.
This I yield....
to my Beloved indeed.

Oh My Love
A new day and I have memory
of awakening.
The blooming of self...
everything that has
been held pent within;
that which mount,
surpassing my understanding,
moving beyond my scope of reality...
yet the recognition
of one once known...
blooming into who I've always been
beneath the shell of who I'd become.
My love, what have I opened to you?
I tell you of the shell that covered, protected me,
and I know that it hid
and encumbered as well,
but I've clung to that which was me because I was safe,
secure in knowing that nothing could
get in and little would seep out,
accepting that no more than
I was willing to give would
be asked, longing for more,
but unable to reach
beyond myself
to gather the pieces drifting by.
You are truly amazing,
how you draw me out of myself,
permitting me to give to you all
that I am, that of me which I don't
even understand.
In your love I grow.
I can't even begin
to express what I felt this morning.
You said it didn't
take much to make me
give myself
to you.
I know that your presence was so real.
It was as if you lay
beside me, in me with me.
And I didn't have to
start from the beginning
because you had been with me all day.
Your lips touched my own,
my fingers were yours,
my body moved with you, felt you.
There was no need to yield,
for I'd already given you everything.
My body
easily responding to you,
your commands
speaking to my senses directly.
I whimper and cry out
because you touch deep within me
not only the flesh, but the energy that
is connected to my heart.
And I cry out
not only with release of pent desire,
but because you've caressed my spirit,
and although it's arousing,
it's so intense that it becomes painful.
even my tears
you drink as you kiss my soul.
Oh my love,
love me,
fill me,
ravage this body that is your own,
make me sing out,
begging for more,
needing to reach
the place that is our own,
give to me myself
which was somehow lost.
And as I soar you merge with me,
pushing, reaching out
to the energy of
the universe...
and we become united.

Thank You
thank you for holding
me as my world felt shattered,
for hearing what i could not
say, for touching my heart
and not scarring, but mending
the brokenness. thank you for
wiping away the tears, and
assuaging the spirit, for
rocking the child within
that needed the tenderness
you possess. thank you for
your knowingness, for the
mirror you hold that i
may see the beauty that
has been buried so deeply
beneath depravity.

Beauty Fat
Walking in a public place.
Hearing the too loud whisper of a mother...
"shhh!! Don't say that."
And the whining cry,.
"But she ISsss faaat!"
I keep walking and pretend not to hear,
Pain rising from my chest
as I suppress another tear.
How I've always hated that word,
But here I am
claiming a new identity.
A Me that I've always had,
But somehow never saw.
I whisper, looking at us in the mirror...
"Do you really think I'm pretty?"
And as she strokes my cheek,
Wiping away the escaping tear,
Her voice behind me,
so close
that her breath caresses my ear.
She says, "Look!" pointing
Drawing my eyes to our reflection,
She speaks,
"There is my beauty."

Discover Beauty
Looking in a new mirror...
Tenderly I stroke my body
Sometimes with just my eyes
And other times with tentative fingers.
Softly caressing,
appraising the image before me.
Noting the change in value.
As I look into my own eyes
I reassess, redefine who I am.
Brown sparkling pools,
The same that smolder with passion,
And crinkle in merriment
redetermining what I am.
Don't you see what I see...
The creamy, chocolate,
smooth, complexion
Of wide rounded shoulders,
And the small dark mole
That looks as if creation
kissed it upon my collar.
The windows that shield my soul
Light upon the two heavy mounds
With large dark aureole
And the gumdrop shaped nipples
winking back.
Breast that would be
pendulously swaying
Were they not resting comfortably
Atop their home...
the full roundness...

Abdomen... scrumptiously,
palatable, delights,
And life once dwelt.
Now look...
There's the little round cavern...
That once was my cord to sustenance,
That's held tongue and water...*giggling*
Merriment dancing in my eyes.
Image broken by length of mirror and sink,
But not before I see those warm brown pools hold me in her embrace.

Testimony
Where do you go when
Hell is all you know?
You don't know joy,
Misery is your constant companion,
Love is tainted,
And peace is for others.
In darkness you have dwelled
Your whole life long.
Truth was what other's determined,
Making you, who they believe you are.
Tears were swallowed
Because they only choked hope.
Laughter stifled
Because it brought attention.
And you grow
Into merely a shell
Of who you should be.
Then one day
Walks in this gentle man,
Who will listen to your sorrow,
Who accepts all that you've hidden,
Who forgives all your sin,
Who exorcises your guilt and shame,
Who gently takes your hand,
Leads you to a place of rest,

Dispelling fear and doubt,
Mending and nurturing the broken places,
Restoring love and hope,
Patiently waiting for you to trust,
And never giving up.
You know you've found peace,
You know you have a friend,
You'll never be alone,
Depending on your strength again,
You know he loves you,
Beyond human comprehension,
You know he is truth,
Deception is not in him,
And even when you rebel,
And somehow go astray,
Come back, repent, and he fixes it,
And restores life today.

I Had A Dream
He once said "I have a dream,"
and many live to fill that dream.
I had a dream.
Was it so different from their dream?
I too wanted freedom.
I too wanted peace.
And that freedom was a right
that all are born into,
only it was taken from me,
before I even realized
it was mine.
My dreams were dashed,
before they were even formed;
my dream of ending
the hellish nightmare you tortured me with.
Never being free;
To laugh, to cry, to live.
Anger was yours never mine.
How could I end my life sentence;
the battering, the stealing of innocence,
the blank stares of compliance,
submitting to the force stronger than my will.
my spirit swallowed in the garbage.
You buried me beneath the pain.
Welts of years
stripped away my dream.
I had a dream;
It was to know freedom
from your depravity,
to have my childhood
and innocence that were lost.
I had a dream;
to not awake, to no longer feel
the hands that raped my soul,
to disappear into the nothingness
that you made me into.
I dreamed for no more mauling,
or controlling what little
that was left of me.
You would not
even leave me alone in my corner
of dejection and degradation.
I never had a dream
because you were my nightmare.
You made me forget how to feel;
to numb myself
from the assaulting world around me,
to look out the lonely,
scared eyes of a child,
to stifle any sign of resistance
along with the tears of pain,
to will death to capture me.
Unlike so many
I didn't have time for the other dream.
I didn't know the struggle.
I was too busy trying to survive,
or experience another kind of freedom,
but oh, what I wouldn't give,
to have a simple dream.

She's Never Been Held
The dialogue has never changed.
The emptiness forever the same.
To Hear the cries
Of one so young,
Begging to be held,
Loved by someone.
Little girl
Who shall forever believe;
That no one will ever see me.
Little one who'll always know
There will be
No words of kindness.
There will be no soothing arms
To be held within.
There will be no mommy
To erase the pain,
No one to see,
To know
How deep it hurts within
To witness the shell
That never blossomed,
To know the sun
Never reached the inner places,
That there were never
Roots to grow
Because no one nurtured
That little one,
So time passed outside,
But within she's suspended
Yearning for someone to see her,
And recognize
She's never been held.

Will~How
Will anything ever fill
The part that is so empty?
Will there ever be a release
For the ocean of tears
Years of grief.
God, is it even possible
To change the ache within.
Will there ever be a filling,
Feeling of something
Other than sorrow?
How the body yearns
To be held.
How the ears long to hear.
How the heart desires to feel.
How the mind
Dreams of knowing
"I love you."
How can you
Yell the same thing,
And no one hear,
No one understand,
No one care to save
The little girl within.
I wonder if only
Death brings silence.

 


Emptiness Of Self
Every touch says,
"I love you."
Every kiss says,
"I want you."
So what happens
When you aren't
Touched or kissed?
You feel unloved,
Unwanted,
Undesirable,
Nothing,
Craving the fire,
But feeling
The emptiness of self.
We're One
Kiss me,
Where I haven't been kissed
For so long.
You're lips gently
Caressing my own.
Joyously I surrender,
To your passion.
My soul no longer alone.
Your love demanding a response.
Gladly I give to you
All that I have;
Sighing into your tenderness,
Anxiously anticipating
Your tantalizing caress,
Succumbing to a serene
Peace within
Which soars, gradually
Taking me over the edge.
A place where I've
Known you before,
And again, we're one.

Love (How It Should Be)
I want someone to hold me.
Someone to love me,
And make love to me.
Make me feel loved,
And to be desired.
To share passions and dreams.
To giggle at our silliness,
And to hold hands and kiss.
To love and want you
because you love and want me.
To lie in your arms
because that's where it's safe
That's where I'm loved.
And I'm important to you too,
Cause you feel about me the
Same as I feel about you.
You know,
I'll laugh at your jokes,
And cry at your sorrow,
Be obstinate and disagree
Just because I want to.
Cause it infuriates you.
And you know
I'm doing it purposely,
Cause you know me.
You know my moods
Will change like the wind,
And we'll argue and fight,.
Be silly together
You'll be angry with me,
But you'll forgive me,
Cause you know
I want to be loved.
And you love me,
No matter what I do.
You'll always love me,
Cause I'm special to you.
I love you too.

 


Baby Here's My Hand
Baby here I stand
I'm reaching out for you
Won't you take my hand
Here's my heart
I give my love to you
Won't you take my soul
And make it part of you
Baby here's my hand
Won't you fly with me
Won't you take a chance
Come and try with with me
Give our love room to grow
Come and give your heart to me
Honey I'll never let go
I'll give you my love
My love
My soul
Fly with me
Let us dance the dance of love
Let us fly away in ecstasy
Baby won't you come with me
Let us reach out for our destiny
Baby here's my hand.
Discovery
When I close my eyes,
Do I see you,
As you see me?
Is my heart so close
To the you that my soul knows?
And in our rightness,
There is a whole,
No longer lingering alone,
Because with words
We've touched.
Hearts that met,
Melded with truth,
Of who we are,
And our souls
Know this oneness,
Because that's what
Brought us together.

The Mountain
I see a hill, but it
seems like a mountain.
I don't want to climb it,
but it's the only way I
can get over it.
The burdens that I
carry in my heart,
and on my back are so heavy.
I have to keep
climbing the hill,
but the mountain
looms darkly over me.
There's no path,
and the rocks
hinder my step.
I don't know what's
on the other side,
but the further I trudge,
Slowly and wearily
my burdens lessen,
but the higher I climb
the heavier
and more burdensome
my travel seems.
I want to shrug it off,
and lithely ascend Yet,
I know I can't
leave it behind,
for every hill I come to
will be harder to climb,
so reluctantly I trudge on,
never stopping to slumber,
just long enough to breathe.

 


Back To Me
if you take me to me
this place of warmth
a place you would know
if you'd just explore
the depth of who i am
can you see the color
listen for the song
move to the music
dance with me
let the words
caress your spirit
if you take me back to me
do you see
do you hear
do you feel
do you know
who i am
i've never been
what anyone thought
not even myself
i never could reach
those places
so very far off
the shimmering mirage
of all i'd hoped
i could not touch
i could not feel
could not hear
could not see
myself
if only you'd take me
take me to who i am
back to me.

 

fallen plea
God,
do you hear me?
have you seen the tears?
could you not wipe away
pain so deep?
left,
aloneness festering,
nothing to fill...
my God,
do you not hear me fall?!?!
do you not care?
i have no strength.
how do i reach?
i'm dying!
every breath labored,
choking on grief
that i don't know how to release.
oceans of tears,
welled,
bound ,
struggling to be free
Father, won't you .
claim me
take me?
free me from this life contract!!
do my pleas still fall?

***********************
This poem is to my beautiful daughters whom I love with all my heart now and forevermore. Never ever doubt mommy's love.
***********************

 
I Have Loved You
I have loved you
When I didn't know how to give
When I didn't know how to feel
When I couldn't see beyond my need
When you cried...
Needing my touch,
Needing my hand,
Needing my comfort,
Needing nourishment,
Needing my voice,
Needing my heart,
Needing my love.
When I didn't know how
I have loved you.
When my pain exceeded it's bounds
When I couldn't grasp my future
Because the past held me still.
When I was worn and ill.
When everything in me fought for one more day.
When I felt weakest,
But was somehow strong.
When little seemed right
And everything felt wrong
When you laughed
Finding joy in simple things...
Being the vibrant color in my darkness
Love and life glimmering in your eyes
Hope ringing in your voices
Dreams rooted in your youth
I have loved you
Throughout all your life
In the little things I've done.
In the simple hugs
In the heart-felt "I LOVE YOU's"
In the joy and tears we've shared.
In my setting limits and saying "NO"
In giving of myself
Even when I had so little to give.
In every way I could
In every way I understood
My darling, dearest children...
Always remember
And never doubt
I have loved you, and I always will,

Love Mommy

Being Numb
I need a hug so bad,
To feel like it's okay
Tomorrow and today,
To feel like someone cares,
To not cry,
To forget my loss,
Or at least know I'll gain,
Instead of feeling,
So empty,
Without purpose,
Or will,
To be loved for myself,
Cause I'm tired of being numb.

He's Working On Me
God started working on me.
He was molding me
Into what he would have me be.
He rejoiced
Over how beautiful I was.
He told me about all my abilities.
He delighted
In my gentle heart and spirit,
And He gifted me with talents.
Like a child I sat there
Impatiently waiting
For Him to be through.
"Are you finished yet?"
"Are you done, God?"
"I wanna see!"
"I wanna play!"
"I wanna live all the dreams
You've given me!"
"Just a minute, child."
"Hold on."
"I'm not finished yet," He said.
"Please! "
"Please Hurry!"
"I wanna experience everything!"
I hopped like a child,
Unable to be still,
Unable to wait
I jump off the table,
Never letting my molding dry.
I want to see it all;
Experience life.
I hurry to the mirror
To see what I've become,
And I turn around
Pouting at God
Because I'm not yet complete.

Oblivion
Do you know what it's like
to go over the edge,
to reach oblivion, to become one
with the one you love?
It's not just being sexually satisfied.
It's the merging of souls.
It's the sweet tender kiss
on trembling lips,
and the quiver your body makes
at the slightest caress.
It's melting in someone's arms
baring your heart and soul,
and allowing it to reach out
to touch the heart of your heart.
It's tears of joy,
moans of ecstasy
and passionately clinging
to each other
the tender kisses,
professing words of love,
and desire for one another
it's knowing "you do"
without the ceremony
of paper or words
that bind you to each other
And every kiss seals the bond,
and every caress
reaffirms the passion that you share
to fall in a peaceful sleep
well loved and worn
in each others arms
glowing and complete.

Rock Me Child
so immense
intense pain
rock me child
take me to safety
where harm never reaches
unfold the warmth of peace
wrap me in your small bosom
hold me in your long arms
reach out to me littlestone
so i may find rest in your strength
close the doors of identity
lose me in obscurity
rock me child
make the pain go away
hold me

 

I Am Yours
I am yours,
when you hold me
I am yours.
When you reach inside me,
I am yours.
When you stoke the fires,
I am yours.
When I touch the clouds,
I am yours.
When my heart sings,
I am yours.
When I need you,
you are mine.
I love you because
you are mine,
And I am yours.

Joined
A family gathering
and I've sat on the outside
looking in...
longing to be a part.
Won't you take me
home to your family,
express your joy
in revealing our relation,
as I stand back
watching the intimacy,
eyes caressing,
fingers tenderly stroking,
laughter rippling,
knowing,
sharing,
waves of emotion
joined.

 

i yield
standing before you
bowing slightly in deference
no need for subjugation
willingly submitting
to your lead
honoring the wisdom
mind open...accepting
the knowledge
the experience
the titillating seduction
of opposing energies
the current of such...
rippling through me
yielding to the sensation
transfixed by the beacon
that draws me to the light
of understanding and growth.

Destroyer
had partial memories today.
took me back to my family.
the sickness of the bloodline
i was born into...
where it is ok to hurt a little girl.
and sex is the life force,
the culprit, the damager.
where was the innocence lost
if there was never any?
and the body hurt so bad
stomach ball me up and rock
the dance of childhood terror.
no hand of comfort,
for each finger reaches out to inflict injury.
and my body is never my own.
damager, destroyer, conqueror ravish the soul;
make me ache for nothing to capture me,
make me sing the words of souls,
less you understand too much
and steal...
still ever more
let the pain wash away.
where shall it go,
but back to the place of hiding;
no screams heard...
none voiced.
damager stop raking my soul.
stop chanting the songs of pain.
do not seek retribution for days free.
stop seeking my blood.

 
Weep Not, My Love
Weep not, my love,
for I have reached
the culmination of this existence.
I go on, but remember
I followed my path...
Not one second wasted,
nor breath stolen, or heartbeat in vain.
My task here is done,
but my journey goes on.
There was nothing that I did, or did not do.
Nothing goes unanswered..
resounding in my soul.
My dearest love,
I merely go on.
Peacefully,
I've come to terms with this world,
and my task is done.
Remember my touch
as I filled your heart.
Remember the laughter,
and things we shared.
Hold onto the lessons
we learned together.
Never forget,
how much I loved and cared.
Know that where I go,
we shall meet again.
I await you there,
my dearest love, and friend.
Know that,
in this place where I ascend,
there is no heartache or travail.
Know that,
joy and love await me...
longing to hold me once again.
They've waited,
so long for my return.
So weep not my love, my dearest friend.
I go on,
not to a desolate place,
for I am finally home.

 
Tree
have you ever
looked at trees from a window;
from a distance
and wished you could melt into them?
i have...
like if i just touched the tree
all those things around me,
trying to get me,
would not see me...
as i melt into the bark of the tree,
as the tree holds me,
protects me,
becomes me,
i'm safe.
and i can see life outside,
but it's so very nice,
and warm and safe in my tree.
my leaves dance in the sky,
and even though they are the color,
even if they are the fruit of my blood,
they are only the clothing which i shed
i will always be that tree
strong,
tall,
rooted,
even in my solitude,
connected,
and life remains in me.
inside forever let me be
the soul of that tree.

*********************
Here I was up early one morning, and someone definitely had something to
say, so here it is from
She who speaks:
**********************
if you cry and nobody sees it
are the tears real
if nobody hears the pain
is it still true?
when you're alone
are you there?
when the soul shrivels inside
is it still you?
when solitude is so unbearably silent
can you be heard?
if i don't say the words
will you know i still hurt?
******************************
stop looking at me
you see passed who i am
but can you even see
passed the knotted cords
bound by sorrow
chased by grief
hunted by misery
stalked by death
in my own hell of living
tortured by solitude.
don't tell me i'm not alone
don't tell me you understand
don't say you're sorry
those are only lies
they rest upon someone else
i sure don't feel it.
stop trying to soothe
the pain will not disperse
only crouch in the corner
awaiting my weakness
of hoping
***************************
she screams
leave me alone
i know alone
i don't want you to try
don't understand
don't tell me it's gonna get better
i've heard those lies
i've been in the place of dreams
hoping, praying, believing
and i come back to this place
i know this place
it beckons me
no matter where i am
it finds me and binds me
so don't tell me it'll go away
don't tell me the pain will recede
i know that place of hollowness
when it's barren sorrow visits... filling
how long shall i be hunted
how long this life sentence
i don't even know the crime
and i sure ain't gonna cry about it no more
cuz who sees the tears of blood
beating me sure hurt less
raping me sure took less from me
abandoning me sure felt less alone
when you programmed me
you must have left something out
what you stole must have had some value
cuz what you left seems so worthless
she screams
WHAT WAS THE CRIME
*********************************
if this is your battle
i don't care if they win any more
i'm tired
if they win will i be free
i'm tired
i don't want to fight
i don't want to cry
i don't want to feel
i don't want anything
just leave me alone
stop
i'm so tired
let me out
there is no way my soul chose this
stop looking down on me
stop looking to see how far i'll go
stop waiting for me to find the answers
they've been hidden too well
can't you hear me screaming
I'M TIRED!!!!
i don't care what the lessons were
i failed the course
i don't care if they win
if this is your battle
then you fight it
my sword is dull
my armor too heavy
my belt to tight
my shield cracked
crumbling under the assault
my helmet beaten and battered
squeezing my brain too tight
if i was a tree standing by the water
the river's dried up and my roots shriveled
i ain't no soldier
i'm tired of pretending and trying to gird myself
if this is your battle
then you fight it
just let me sit on my ass
cuz i'm tired!
**********************************
where do you go
when your heart hurts
when your soul mourns
when thoughts are dark
and all the life and light is gone
when tears won't fall
death won't come
nothing but pain fills you
sorrow so heavy you can't breathe
tears so heavy they choke
you walk but stay stuck in the mire
you don't feel anything but grief
waking is too much
sleeping is too hard
please help me
**********************

Hold On
When no one can touch you
‘Cause you've gone so far away.
When you're empty inside
‘Cause no one would stay.
Hold on!
Reach out as far as you can.
Someone cares.
You are not alone.
When the tears
Are bottled up inside
Cry, don't push them down.
You don't have to run or hide.
It's gonna be all right.
Hold on!
I need you to be there.
You've endured so much,
And you really are strong.
When it hurts so much,
And your life
Seems filled with sorrow.
Don't stop fighting ‘cause peace
May come tomorrow.
Hold on!
Because I love you.
Hold on!
Because I need you.
Hold on!
Because I want you.
Hold on!
Because a time of peace will come.
Hold on!
Because you deserve life.
Hold on!
Because if you let go I'll fall.

I Always Dreamt
I always dreamt I'd be,
And someday soon I will.
I always knew I could go far,
Even when life sat still.
Fly like a bird high in the sky;
Dreams constantly soaring,
Confidence forever climbing,
Moving like a fox,
Swift and cunning,
I'll get what I want,
By way I choose,
Soar higher
Than any bird dare to.
I always dreamt I'd be,
Even when life sat still.
I'll conquer
And overcome obstacles
Everyday strengthening my will.

 

Love The Game
Love the game,
Persons involved,
No names,
Reasons unknown,
Only we found each other,
Never to be alone again.
Enjoying one another,
But something happened,
Something changed everything.
We lost ourselves.
We forgot one another.
We shared no kindness,
And were often very mean.
There wasn't a word
That didn't offend.
There wasn't a love song
Played to the end.
Then there was darkness.
I was searching,
Stumbling in the night,
Probing every corner
Of my heart and soul,
But finding no light.
And you were gone,
As swiftly as you came,
And I realized,
Love,
The game.

 
Fantasies
When I close my eyes,
It's easier to fantasize,
To see myself in your embrace.
I know the ecstasy is evident
On my face.
My heart is warm.
My senses heightened
In anticipation of your touch,
And life is so beautiful
Because you're there,
And everything is so perfect
Because I know you care.
I've seen you in my dreams.
I've felt your tender caress.
I've touched oblivion I confess,
And I've come back.
And now I realize
It's your physical body I lack.

 

Loving Healing Touch
When you make love to me
I feel whole.
You become a part of my me.
I'm no longer one.
Your caress drives
Away the emptiness,
And your kisses dry my tears.
The pain of so long ago,
And the aloneness for years.
I feel beautiful,
Desirable and loved.
The moans of ecstasy
Are tears of yesterdays
Pain being released.
The trembling and shudders
My soul's response to
Tenderness.
How can you know where to
Touch, and just how
Firmly to Kiss,
Pull me out of myself,
Separating me from
The clinging darkness,
Gently restoring what
Has been taken.
So much emptiness

Tenderly you fill me
Giving back purity.
Making love is not bruising,
But nourishment.
And greedily I suckle
Life from you.
In draining your
Physical sustenance
I gain spiritual,
Emotional, and physical
Healing.

Littleone's Someday
someday i'll have a mommie
but not today.
someday i'll be loved for just being me
but not today
someday i'll say "i love you"
without being sorry
but not today
someday i'll be happy
but not today
there are so many somedays
maybe oneday...
someday will be today
but not today.

Little Girl
I know a little girl.
She's so young,
But her innocence is gone,
And she no longer reaches out.
Those arms she's sought
For comfort
Have drained the joy from her.
Making her turn within,
Hurting her enough
Until all she knows is pain.
The light of hope
Permanently extinguished.
The burden of sorrow,
So heavy
On such little shoulders.
The tears unshed,
Turning to pools of acid.
Burning and destroying within,
And the heart so long ago
Crushed,
Walled in from outside.
The fingers that reached out,
Balled into fist.
Anger turned to
Terrifying rage unspent,
Forever pent inside,
So afraid to cry.

Sometimes we lose something or someone so very special to us. We don't know the reason. We don't know how special they are to us when first we meet sometimes even. This was my other baby, Sheena. She was my joy in a time when I needed her most. Who knows what one's purpose is, but I know Sheena's was to give me love and reason when I had none. She helped me be a parent again. Maybe that was her purpose. All I know is I love and miss you Sheena...hang out with Daddy ok. Kiss him all the time like you kissed me, and sleep at his feet ok.

My other baby "Sheena Price" born September 28, 1997 passed on to be with Daddy February 23, 1998.

 

We're One
Kiss me,
Where I haven't been kissed
For so long.
You're lips gently
Caressing my own.
Joyously I surrender,
To your passion.
My soul no longer alone.
Your love demanding a response.
Gladly I give to you
All that I have;
Sighing into your tenderness,
Anxiously anticipating
Your tantalizing caress,
Succumbing to a serene
Peace within
Which soars, gradually
Taking me over the edge.
A place where I've
Known you before,
And again, we're one.

Discovery
When I close my eyes,
Do I see you,
As you see me?
Is my heart so close
To the you that my soul knows?
And in our rightness,
There is a whole,
No longer lingering alone,
Because with words
We've touched.
Hearts that met,
Melded with truth,
Of who we are,
And our souls
Know this oneness,
Because that's what
Brought us together.

 
extreme thought
did i betray myself
because i could not believe
did i lose heart
because i could not feel
i've been lost so long
abandoned
exiled
banished
to myself.

echoes
hear i go
unheard
theirs i'm not
alone
i'd love to
hate
silence
screams
hold me.

I've looked in the mirror as tears have rolled down my cheeks. I've imagined with sci-fi imaginings, in a dissociative, far away sort of view that each tear turned from clear to the scarlet red of blood. We've become so numb. If one falls and breaks a bone it just doesn't seem that serious unless you see the protruding bone or the rent flesh. Blood somehow signifies pain, so surely, it wouldn't be hard to see tears of blood

Tears of Blood
Tears of blood
In our pain
We grieve so long.
The soul
Cries for release.
Where pain physically
Turned inward emotionally
With no sight of freedom.
Sorrow so deep
Yet, salty tears won't purify.
Tears of blood
To rectify the damage done
What no one can see
What we've become.
Spirit drowned in despair
So far from the light.
Tears of blood
Which show the depth,
The hurt within.
The magnitude of our solitude.
So long deprived.
No words to comfort.
Can anything free us,
But the tears of blood.

Whatever It Is I've Done
Do you care?
Do you know
What you've done to me?
When I cry,
Do you hear?
Is that the way it had to be?
Did you ever listen?
Or even try to hear
That I was sorry.
Did you see the tears.
When I begged to be forgiven
Were you trying to get even?
Every time you'd strike,
And every lick you inflicted,
I crawled into myself to hide.
And I was lost,
Numbed,
Somehow unaffected.
Why did my existence
Incite your hate and anger?
Why couldn't you love me?
Why must this pain linger.
Why couldn't you just hold me,
Say I'm the one you loved?
Don't keep hurting me.
Tell me how to undo
Whatever it is I've done.

 

If You'd Just Hear Me
I want to tell you,
but the words won't come.
I need you to understand
even if our language isn't one.
If you knew me;
you'd hear,
without the words
you'd understand.
You could hear my response
if you came close enough,
but I back off;
revert to something old,
but if you listened
you wouldn't have to be told.
If only you were closer;
wouldn't allow me to hide
behind the words that protect me...
the things i could never say.
If you'd hold me
and kept me here
I couldn't sneak away.
I don't want you to see.
I speak so you can't understand
Angry that you never heard.
I won't expose me.
Hurt because you never listen.
Crying because you never cared.
Hiding because if you really understood
you'd know my demons and why I'm scared.
Screaming, "Please listen, please understand, hold me!"
If I fall into the darkness please
don't leave me alone.
You can get in
if you'd just hear me.

Who Hears
Who hears?
Listen to the heart beat.
Watch the dance.
You will see the tears.
You will know the pain.
Hear the cries of one so young.
Hear the plea to be held,
Watch her as she hides
Behind the walls of her prison...
Safe,
But alone.
Scared,
But begging release.
Nothing escapes...
That you can see,
Tears hidden,
Known only to me.
She calls,
But there is no response.
She begs,
But no pardon given.
Hear,
See,
Release,
So she can grieve.

My Special Prayer
Lord if happiness
isn't a twenty-four hour emotion,
then let me find peace and tranquillity.
If that is not your will or Thy way,
help me to find contentment in what I have,
and less confusion and need in my heart.
Lord, suffuse these troubling desires
that engulf my being,
and consume my every thought.
Give me patience when mine is short.
Help me to grow, know and love Thee
more than any. Let me know thy will,
so to guide my feet in the right path.
Though my obstacles may be tall
Lord, grant me the tolerance
and strength to overcome them all.
Let my heart be pure,
prejudiced to none,
with no room for malice or deceit.
Show me thy ways,
so I may find glory in thy light,
and grow with your abundance of love.
More than anything,
help me to be a faithful child,
believing nothing is done without you Lord,
and with you all is possible.
I ask all these things
in the name of the Lord, Jesus Christ. Amen

 
In Christ I'm Everything
When I was young
I had a dream.
I dreamt I'd be something.
And as I've grown
I've come to believe
I'm more than just someone.
In Christ I'm everything.
I'm everything.
With Christ as my Savior
I can do anything.
I'm more beautiful
Than the lilies of the valley,
More precious
Than gold or gems,
Chosen above all others.
I am Beloved to Him.
In Christ I'm everything.
He makes the night
Turn to day.
He makes my enemies
All fall away.
He created this world just for me.
How special I am,
That he gives me authority
Over all things
Even in the second heavens
That princes and kingdoms,
all men and beast
Shall bow down
To his chosen daughters and sons.
Yes, In Christ Jesus I am everything
And in everything I do and am
I seek to glorify
My Lord,
My God,
My Savior and King.
Alleluia!
In Christ Jesus I am everything.

I Ain't No Faucet, Baby
When you say that it's over,
You say that we're through,
Your heart just ain't with me,
Now what am I supposed to do?
When we're together,
it ain't all it should be
My heart is broken knowing your love ain't true,
Don't know what you expect of me..
Am I supposed to turn my feelings off...
Simply stop loving you?
My heart ain't no faucet, Baby
Though my feelings may freely flow,
How can you just turn off like a spicket,
Delve so deep, then just let go.
Turn me on
Turn me off
Give your love,
Then take it back.
If you're all that i thought you to be,
And knowing ALL that I am,
Then how in the world can you shut me off
Like you just don't give a damn.
Turn me on
Turn me off
I ain't no faucet, Baby
Though here the emotions truly run deep.
I ain't no plaything, Baby
When I gave I thought it was for keeps.
Now I'm supposed to turn away
Act as if I never let you in,
But when I look into my own eyes
The tears remind me just how good it's been.
I remember what we shared
There ain't no way I can just turn it off
Just cuz you're running scared
I can't forget when my love was good enough.
Now you walk away saying you got another girl
That she's the one you love
Baby, I don't know how she can be your world
What of our history... what can you be thinking of
My heart ain't no faucet, Baby
Though my feelings may freely flow,
How can you just turn off like a spicket,
Delve so deep, then just let go.
Turn me on
Turn me off
Give your love,
Then take it back.
I ain't no faucet, Baby
Though here the emotions truly run deep.
I ain't no plaything, Baby
When I gave I thought it was for keeps.
I ain't no faucet, Baby.

The Fire Burnt
Play with fire
you'll surely get burnt.
Why I ever thought I could,
not give my heart, and it not hurt.
Friends we should have remained,
never between the sheets
never opened that thoroughly
never gone that deep.
How could I have known,
I'd never gone and played there before.
So greedily I hungered and took.
Now, how do I close the door.
Some say stupid!
How painful the sting.
All grieve over
falling in love with a fling.
Why didn't you tell me
I'd be so sad?
Why didn't you warn me
if I gave my heart
it would hurt so bad?
Cuz Baby, the fire burnt
way deep down in my soul.
The fire burnt.
Oh why couldn't my heart stay cold?
Cuz baby when I played
the fire burnt.

 

It Don't Matter
it don't matter
was born a long time ago
and constantly she came
and constantly her words rang
and no matter how hard i tried
i couldn't
it don't matter just wouldn't
and neither tears nor pain
could ever make her feel again
and it don't matter
whatever happened
it don't matter
it don't matter feels a lot
but it just don't matter.

That Mother
i love her
it is sick
i painfully hate
i need her
i am sick
i shield myself
i want her
it is old
i long not to long
she never was
i always
she never will be
i won't anymore
she couldn't
i tried
she can't
i struggle
she won't.
i hope.
that mother.

 

Nobody
Nobody, heard the screams
my lips never parted
nobody saw the pain
or knew when it started
i never told
i took it all alone
i never cried
i lay with the bones
and nobody came
or tried to help me
nobody cared
to bring me to safety
and still Nobody sits
watching me.

Here Is The Dawn
up all night
here is the dawn
another day
and still alone
in the abyss of
suffering.

 
You Lose
you lose
i hear it
i know it
i am it
little do they know
inside i feel it
i hold it
i caress it
like a lover
it's me and not
it's theirs
but i have it
got stuck with it
can't get rid of it
nobody will take the pain
so i lose.

Known Hunter~Hunted
sitting here in tears...
how can you know?
how did my hounds
sound the same as yours?
who releases these demons
to torment our souls...
that they would not
let us be who we are?
that they would
hunt us down
seeking to squelch ourselves
forsake us
less we conform
drive us
to dream their dreams
drown us
in their murky nothingness
suffuse all color and vibrancy
in our forced limitations
in the darkness of mimicking,
killing what is light and free.
in the country of the brave,
we slink in bondage.
in the realm of democracy,
our voice falls deafly.
in the truth of their word,
we lie in depravity.
let us be!
let us be,
no longer hunted

I Heard You

I Deserve More
i deserve more
when i look into
the trusting eyes of another child
i realize those smiles should have been mine
those dimpled fingers
reaching out should have been too
and i realize they are no more or less deserving
that once was me.
and i know i deserve more
because no one earned what i received
not one should be subjected
not one should be rejected
not one should be stepped upon or crushed
not one should be buried beneath the depravity
i deserved not what i was given
and neither does anyone else
when they stopped printing on my brain
when they stopped all the tortuous pain
when they stopped telling me i was no good
when they stopped r*ping my soul
when they stopped breaking my heart
i no longer remembered
that i deserved more
now i'm telling you i remember
i deserve more
i'm worth more
i'm lovable
i'm beautiful
i'm someone special
i'm innocent
i'm important
my life is my own
and i deserve more
and everything i deserve;
laughter
joy
peace
freedom
love
and everything good
i'm gonna get
cause it's mine
and i deserve not less, but more

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