Moccasins
By: Turtlewoman
Rating: PG-13
Posted 8/98, revised 11/98

 Chakotay sat in his quarters staring at the papers in his hand. How could this have happened? Even worse, what should he do about this promise he'd written of. He was more in turmoil with each reading. Slowly, he became aware of his door chime. Kathryn! He was to meet have met her at 0700! What would her reaction be to this? His letter indicated a weakness in Voyager's defense systems. He should discuss the shields with her. But she would want to know why and he just couldn't talk about it yet.

"Chakotay, are you there?"

"Sorry Captain, I was distracted," he said rather stiffly, exiting his quarters.

"Chakotay, are you alright? We were to meet a half-hour ago and frankly, you look like hell."

"I'll be fine. I just had an unsettling night. I didn't sleep."

She stepped closer to him, putting her hand on his arm and asked, "That's usually my complaint. Is something bothering you?"

He gently backed away from her touch and started walking down the corridor. "I’m fine Captain. Do we still have time to go over those reports?"

The concern on her face changed to bewilderment. "Yes, Commander, but if you wouldn't mind, I would just as soon skip breakfast," and slowly started down the hall herself.

Her words stopped him mid-step. Damn, he'd forgotten! They had purposely set up a breakfast meeting so that she would take time to eat. She took little pleasure in food, unlike this Kellin, this person

to whom he had given his promise. He had been so distracted that he had forgotten. Yet, he couldn't face food himself. "I'm not hungry either, Captain."

He passed the rest of the day isolated, longing to speak to Kathryn but feeling too much: guilt, anger, loss, anger at Kellin, at Kathryn, at himself. But the worst of it was the guilt. He longed to make love to Kathryn as he had to Kellin. As soon as he thought of one woman, the other would seep into his thoughts. Then he would force his thoughts back to the present problem. His letter indicated that Kellin and her kind could bypass the strongest shield possible on Voyager.

It took him most of the shift to figure out how to instigate research regarding this potential shield weakness. Toward the end of his watch, Chakotay wandered over to Harry and posited a "what if' scenario on the effect of a highly focused photon beam hitting the shields. Harry looked a bit confused, not quite sure what was being asked of him.

Tuvok quickly understood and by the time Tom joined the conversation, Chakotay had involved the rest of the bridge crew. All but Kathryn, that is.

She sat, silent, watching him, as he stood, equally silent, letting the storm of ideas wash around him. Something was bothering Chakotay and she wanted to know what, especially if it had anything to do with the security of the ship. For now she would not push him. He had been erecting walls between them all day. He seemed so cold and distant…and angry. What had she done that made him feel he couldn't talk to her?

The only thing left for her to do was trust and wait.

The days passed with Chakotay silent and lost in thought. At first, no one but Kathryn saw how troubled he was. Eventually the others noticed how much quieter he was with them and how formal he was to the Captain.

The bridge crew became adept at filling the awkward silences between the two with technical reports and questions. Tom and Harry began to bring up the shield problem on their own just to keep him involved. Chakotay would briefly respond to their efforts but remained as proper and emotionless as a Vulcan with Kathryn. She became as silent as he was.

After his shift, Chakotay would quickly leave the bridge and retreat to his quarters. She would go to her ready room, returning to her quarters hours later to spend another restless night tossing and turning. She tried to think of what could be bothering him, why the level of his discomfort seemed greatest around her and why did he insist the Voyager's shields needed to be strengthened.

After a week of this tension, Kathryn had exhausted her patience and decided to confront Chakotay. She spent hours arguing with herself and then walked the few steps to his quarters. She heard the chime again and again. Although she felt somewhat improper, she finally demanded,

"Computer, locate Commander Chakotay?"

"Commander Chakotay is in his quarters."

Kathryn took a deep breath and said, "Chakotay, admit me please. We have to talk."

From behind the closed door he replied, "Please go away Captain."

She thought that, as long as she was being improper she might as well be good and improper, in for a penny in for a pound. "No. Someone has to take the initiative. Since you won't, I will. I'm prepared to spend the rest of the night arguing with you through the door, Chakotay. You might as well let me in."

The door slid open and for the first time all week she saw a ghost of a smile on his lips. "Since you're prepared to take the initiative, do come in Captain."

She quickly stepped into the room before he had a chance to change his mind. He watched her march across the room and sit in what he thought of as Kellin's chair. This Kellin would have filled the chair, luxuriating in it. His tiny Captain allowed herself no such comfort. She perched on the edge, alert and intensely focused. Even out of uniform she appeared in command and in control. She was all business that one. He walked over to his own chair and sat back into it. With just a hint of bitterness he said, "You surprise me, Captain. I would have thought your curiosity would have you grilling me on the focused photon beam scenario before this."

"I haven't come to discuss photon beams. I've read every report the crew has generated. I know as much as anyone here on the feasibility of that concept. I trust you enough to know that you would never withhold tactical information that would endanger this ship. If we were in any real danger you would have already said so."

He slumped in relief. "Thank you Captain."

"You're welcome, but Chakotay, if you call me Captain one more time in private I'm going to scream! You are the only one I even allow to address me by name. If you refuse to use it, I might forget that I have a name."

He gave another small smile as he watched her, still perched on the edge of the chair, nervously rubbing her fingers against her thumb. That funny little habit of hers was always a dead give-away that she was in emotional turmoil. He wondered if Kellin had any such endearing quirks. The moments of silence stretched on. He found it ironic that she was the one trying so hard to give voice to her thoughts, as he was the one with the secret. "You took the initiative….Kathryn." he whispered.

At the sound of her name she moved from the edge of the chair to kneel in front of him, placing her hands over his. All semblance of military command fell from her. Softly she said, "Chakotay, the friendship that has grown between us has become increasingly precious to me." She thought to herself that *he* had become increasingly precious to her, despite her better judgement and Starfleet protocol. "Please, have I done something to make you pull away like this?"

This acutely controlled captain of his had cracks in her armor. There was a sweet softness in her he hadn't seen since their time on New Earth. Chakotay automatically stopped his heart from responding to her, distancing himself, locking himself from her, as he had trained himself to do in the last two years.

"It isn't you, it's me. I've done something." He said, guiding her back to her chair. Then he knelt in front of her, placing his hands over hers. "Kathryn, I wrote myself a letter a week ago. Based on a promise I made in that letter, I'm trying to decide whether I should leave Voyager."

"Leave? Why would you leave? Chakotay, whatever you think you've done, can't we talk about it? We have always been able to work out our differences before? Why would you write yourself a letter? Do you mean a personal log entry? Why would a log entry cause you to leave?" She suddenly ceased talking and slumped back into the chair in confusion, thinking to herself that she was babbling. Captains do not babble. She told herself to rein in her emotions and listen.

He released her hands and pulled the letter out of his jacket pocket.

"It's not a log entry, it's a letter, hand-written, on paper. There is a prayer in my own language at the top that has convinced me that everything I wrote really happened. Read it Kathryn, all of it, then we will finally talk." He handed her the letter and walked over to the viewport, gazing out as she read.

Slowly she unfolded the pages in her hand and began to read, stared at his back, then reread, and reread again. She folded the pages, stood and walked over to Chakotay, and rather haughtily said, "I'm still not sure I understand. Are you writing a holoromance? Do you really think I would resent your erotic fantasies? You've been acting this way for a fantasy?!"

As he turned toward her, he could see that she was again controlled and her armor seamless. She was the captain again, erect posture, piercing eyes, commanding tone.

"It's not a fantasy Kathryn. I fell in love with this woman."

"Are you trying to tell me we were invaded by aliens for over a month and I didn't even notice that you became intimate with one of them! That's absurd!" The hauteur took on a decidedly electric overtone.

"You noticed Kathryn, you just don't remember…I don't remember. None of us remember."

"This is crazy, Commander. You want to abandon your post… desert m…your shipmates and leave the safety of this ship because of a letter you wrote… to yourself …about a woman you fell in love with that you don't even remember!" The electricity in her voice was building to barely restrained storm proportions. "Where the hell would you go and how in the hell are you planning on getting there?"

"By shuttlecraft….back to where ever she is."

The captain, now in full battle mode, spat, "You don't really expect me to believe this! What you propose would be a suicide mission, not to mention a gross dereliction of duty! Request denied!" as she marched toward the door.

Gently he replied, "I haven't asked yet."

She paused, then, still clutching the letter in her hand, left his quarters.

The next morning the bridge crew noticed a decided emotional shift between their first officers. Where Chakotay had been distant and remote, he now he looked miserable, as though he'd lost his best friend. The Captain, on the other hand, looked as if she was ready to slay a Tarsian pyrobeast bare handed.

She went through the duty rosters, checked the systems update, questioned each of the crew on minute aspects of their reports and did the forty odd other things a captain does to begin the day. All the while, she avoided any contact with Chakotay with an almost vicious intensity. When she signed the last duty log she announced to the air, "The Commander has the bridge," and stalked into her ready room. He leaned forward, arms on knees; hands clasped and stared at the floor.

Then he stood, took a deep breath, stated, "Tuvok has the bridge," and walked into the ready room. The bridge crew, but for Tuvok, collectively breathed a sigh of relief.

"Man, what I'd give to be a fly on the wall right now," said Paris.

Tuvok looked at him, one eyebrow slightly raised, "I fail to see the connection between the irrational wish to be a small, pestilent insect and the current tension between the Captain and the Commander."

"It's an old earth expression that means to observe others, Tuvok."

"You wish to spy on them."

"Exactly!" replied the irrepressible lieutenant, "Come on Tuvok. Aren't you just a little curious?"

"Naturally, I am…watchful of the situation, but, as it does not seem to be in… my area of responsibility, I will not endeavor to make it so."

Ensign Kim gave a chuckle, "Personally Tuvok, I'm with Tom."

The rest of the bridge crew nodded in agreement. As the tension on the bridge lessened, that in the ready room increased.

"I don't remember granting you permission to enter," Kathryn hissed as she stared intently at the computer screen.

"I don't remember asking for permission," Chakotay replied.

Still refusing to look at him, Kathryn pulled herself to attention in her chair, "It is a common courtesy that I expect to be observed, Commander. Permission denied. Dismissed!"

"No."

She bristled at his refusal and said ominously, "Do I need to call Tuvok and have you physically removed?"

"It's my turn to take the initiative, Kathryn. I'm prepared to spend the rest of the day arguing with you through the door. You might as well let me stay."

"Stay then, if it pleases you! Now if you will excuse me Commander, I'm very busy." With that she continued scrolling through the computer display. He walked around behind her and read the report over her shoulder.

"Kathryn, a month old report on repairs done in Jeffries Tube Four is not being busy, it is being inaccessible. May I assume that you now believe my letter?"

She pushed her chair away from the desk and walked to the viewport. With her back still to him she replied bitterly, "Yes, I believe you! But what I said still stands. No shuttlecraft! Now will you leave this room Commander?"

"No I won't and I have a name, Kathryn." He walked up to the platform and taking her by the shoulders turned her toward him. "You have been trying to get me to discuss this with you. Last night was a start. Let's talk."

She pulled away from him and stood ramrod straight, "I no longer have anything to say to you!"

He began to look as stormy as she did. Halfway between a threat and a plea he replied, "You look as if you have plenty to say! Just for once, drop the command pose! Just for once, don't censor you emotions before you even feel them. You have courage to spare for everything but this! Just for once be courageous enough to risk being vulnerable! Just for once, live in the moment and allow yourself to be emotionally accessible to me."

"Emotionally accessible! You did everything but climb into my bed on New Earth to seduce me. Do you have any idea how difficult it was not to just give in to the inevitable when I had given my word to another, no matter how inaccessible he had become? Then, when I'm finally free to even consider what you offered, you hop into bed with this…….person. You want me to be accessible! You want me to just let myself feel my emotions! For what purpose? So I can feel even more devastated than I do now when you finally do leave me to go kill yourself chasing a chimera?"

He exploded. "Seduced! Inevitable! Do you understand to what degree you have insulted me? Can't you tell the difference between being loved and being hustled? I never tried to seduce you! I loved you! I certainly never felt it was inevitable. I would have refrained from touching you forever if that was what you wanted. Didn't you ever figure out even that much Kathryn? New Earth was over two years ago and in all that time you have never, ever, even once led me to believe that there was the remotest chance that you would ever come to love me too! It has taken me all of those two years to force away the love I felt for you. You did not want me and I have tried to honor that, but I gave you no promises to love only you!" Through his rage she could hear his despair. " I am a decent person Kathryn, worth being loved, and I have the right to respond to that love! I have the right to be in love with whomever I choose. I won't live the rest of my life in an emotional stasis chamber because you choose to live in one yourself!"

With that he slammed out of the ready room, pushed Tuvok out of his path and stormed into his office. The bridge crew turned as one and stared at the two closed doors. As Tuvok calmly turned back to his console he said, "Mr. Paris, I am beginning to comprehend the merit of being a fly."

In the ready room, Kathryn turned again to the viewport blinking back unshed tears. In his office Chakotay sat at his desk mutely clenching and unclenching his fists as he tried to control his rage.

The next morning, five minuets before Alpha shift was due to assume their posts; everyone was in place on the bridge eager to observe the unfolding drama. At 0658 Commander Chakotay entered the bridge looking tired and a bit sheepish. He walked over to Tuvok and quietly offered his apologies. Tuvok looked at him intently and nodded his acceptance. Then Chakotay quietly relieved the remaining Gamma shifts personnel, sat in his chair and began to scan the night’s operation logs.

Kathryn stood in her quarters, staring at her door, repeating and repeating to herself, "Take the initiative, take the initiative." If she really wanted him to stay, she was going to have to fight as hard and as fearlessly as she had fought for anything else. Taking a deep breath, she exited her quarters and walked to the turbolift.

Halfway to the bridge she halted the lift. *The crew is going to have a field day with this,* she thought *Don't stop, Kathryn! Do it!* aloud, "Computer, resume turbolift." At precisely 0700 Captain Janeway entered the bridge. She was wearing makeup, not much, just a hint of color on her lips and a touch of mascara. Her hair, for lack of a better description, looked soft and fluffy and her uniform just a trace snugger than usual. She hesitated, blushing furiously. The bridge crew exchanged quick glances then became very, very busy as she walked determinedly to her command chair.

Chakotay watched her approach. She gave him an embarrassed, shy glance and sat. This was very confusing. It appeared she regretted their harsh words as much as he, but she had chosen a rather alluring way to say so. He breathed in deeply, then gave her a startled and amused glance. He leaned toward her, silently encouraging her to continue whatever she was up to. "Good morning, Captain. I was just beginning to scan last night's logs. "Care to share a console?" he said, giving her just the ghost of a smile.

She looked gratefully at him for helping ease her past her embarrassment. Returning a small, crooked smile of her own, she leaned toward the console and him, "Thank you Commander, I would indeed. Any changes from last night's status?"

"Oh, a few, but nothing we can't handle" and then flashed that quick, held in smile of his again.

She chuckled at that and made a low reply. He gave a small laugh of his own. The bridge crew nearly broke their ears trying to overhear. She and Chakotay continued to read over the night's log slowly, very slowly. Occasionally she would lean toward him, touching his arm or hand briefly, while referring to some obscure entry in the log. He responded with a dazed, amused look on his face. Occasionally they would stare long moments into each other’s eyes, then catch themselves at it and both would smile, blush and find some more minutia in the log to discuss. The bridge crew all wore loopy grins, all but Tuvok, who settled for the occasional raised eyebrow. The atmosphere on the bridge was, at long last, relaxed and cheerful.

Then Seven entered the bridge.

"Ensign Kim, read my solution for the malfunction in Astrometrics grid four by two by thirteen. Report to Astrometrics at the end of your shift to assist me in implementing and testing my solution." With that she marched to Harry's station, with a datapad in hand. As she passed the Captain she took a quick breath and stopped.

Puzzled, she said, "I am perceiving the scent of roses and musk."

Kathryn sat up on her chair and rolled her eyes. Harry quickly came forward.

"Let me see what you have Seven."

Not to be deflected, Seven gave Harry the pad and turned to the Captain, "Are you wearing perfume, Captain?"

Harry valiantly tried to deflect her questions. "Seven, why don't you explain your solution to me."

"It would be inefficient. I have already written my solution most concisely. Read it," and then turning back toward Janeway, "Musk is used for seduction, is it not? Are you attempting to seduce someone?"

Kathryn sat, staring straight ahead, the color draining from her face. Chakotay stared at Kathryn in agonized sympathy. Everyone else stared at Seven in frozen horror, everyone but Harry. He gamely tried one more time.

"Let's go to Astrometrics. We can work on the solution now," turning toward the Captain,

"Permission to leave the bridge." Kathryn gave no response. Harry glanced at Chakotay who nodded for them to depart.

"That would be a useless exercise, you have not read my report."

Quietly, Harry said, "Seven, let's go."

Seven instead turned back to the Captain, "I observed you intimately engaged in conversation with Commander Chakotay. Are you trying to seduce the Commander? Has this method proved effective Captain?"

"Seven, let's GO!" Harry grabbed her arm and tried to drag her to the turbolift, Chakotay sank back in his chair, dropping his face into his hand and Kathryn sat rigidly unmoving, her face turning bright red.

Seven tried to pull free of Harry's grasp but Tuvok and Tom moved forward to help Harry. The three men literally lifted Seven into the turbolift. Tom and Tuvok stepped back out. Harry held the astonished Seven firmly. The lift door closed and they were gone, leaving the others in stunned silence. Tuvok and Tom returned to their posts. The bridge crew avoided looking either at the Captain or Chakotay, trying to give them as much privacy as was possible.

Chakotay dropped his hand from his face and looked at her back in compassion, willing her strength with his look. She sat, staring, then arose slowly, whispering. "You have the bridge, Commander," and with quiet dignity, walked into her ready room. He watched her go, nodded to Tuvok and followed her.

She stood in the middle of her ready room, looking lost and defeated. As the door shut behind him, she turned. "Vulnerable enough for you, Chakotay? I just spent the entire morning making a fool of myself in front of the crew! And if anyone hadn't noticed my pitiful efforts at … seduction, Seven’s subtle comments certainly focused their attention!"

Her tears now spilled over, "Oh, Chakotay, I didn't mean this to come off as a seduction, especially not after what I said yesterday. I know you have never tried to manipulate me into doing anything I wasn't ready for, but I was so jealous. I've never been jealous in my life! It made me want to hurt you for loving her. I hate her! I hate what she could be for you. This woman could throw away everything she had for a chance to love you and I dare not ever let anything or anyone become more important than getting this crew home, no matter how deeply I feel. She was so spontaneous and sensual in everything she did. I have to consider every word I say and every move I make. This job makes me feel as sensual as a block of ice! I just thought that if I could be just a bit more…accessible… you might begin to care for me again too, just as you did her. Then maybe you wouldn't leave and you wouldn't die!"

"I'm not going Kathryn."

he Captain, her eyes spilling her grief, didn't appear to hear him. With despair sounding from each syllable, she moaned, "I can't let you go to die! I can't bear that again! I won't even pretend it's for the good of the ship or the crew or your duty. This is for me. It's bad enough each time I send you on an away mission, but this! The shuttlecraft has life support limits, Chakotay! These people cannot be found, do not want to be found. *She* does not want to be found. They would all let you die rather than accept you. I've tried and tried to think up some way to get you to her. I'd deliver you into her arms myself if I could guarantee your safety if that's what you really wanted. But I can't think of a solution and I can't watch you leave for your death. I failed one man I loved and watched him die. I can’t bear to send another I love to his death. "

"You said you love me?" he asked.

"Yes," she replied, "I did."

"You're not going?!", she said in astonishment.

"No," he answered, "I'm not."

The wall between them shattered and they embraced, bruising each other in the ferocity of their feelings. When their bodies caught up with their emotions, they melted against each other, undulating and stroking, probing and tasting. When their hearts caught up with their bodies, their kiss became even softer, barely touching. And when their minds caught up with their hearts, they slowly pulled back and poured themselves into each other with a look. Chakotay laid his cheek against her hair, Kathryn her cheek against his chest. They stood entwined, rocking in each other’s arms.

Chakotay gently pushed her away from him to look at her face. "Now we really have a lot to talk about."

She stepped back another step and took his hands in her own. "I guess we do. Maybe it will be easier to understand each other now that we've walked a mile in each other's moccasins".

"A mile in….? Isn't that supposed to be my line?" he laughed and then continued more seriously "Kathryn, I'm going to have to take this slow. I don't know how to love two people at the same time…even if I don’t remember one of them."

It was her turn to chuckle, "Take it slow, huh. Isn't that supposed to be my line? As for loving two people, I'm an expert. It will become easier in time." She looked at him, her eyes sparkling with mischief, "It's just a matter of…… giving in to the inevitable, Commander".

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