There were hardly any problems; the only ones there were was how to inform people at school of the reason of her absence. And that one she didn't consider; she simply thought that it was none of their business. If they cared to pester her about it, they would be warned by what happened to James, and hopefully they would leave her alone.
Eva had sent her several owls, asking her what was going on. Lily hadn't bothered to answer or even open them; she hadn't had much free time. But as the letters grew more frequent, one morning, she slit the latest two open.
It wasn't really anything that she hadn't expected; it simply asked her why she had left, why she hadn't answered any letters, and what was wrong. She also told Lily that if anything was terribly wrong, she could count on Eva and Eva's family, along with anyone at Hogwarts. A postscript informed her that Serena was being very moody and James wasn't paying as much attention to her as he had been; she just thought Lily would like to know that. There were several letters of the same sort from Severus, and she sent him a laconic answer she'd composed during first period Literature at the public school.
Thanks a bunch for bothering about me, but I'm fine, and so is everyone else here. There's nothing wrong; and I'll be coming back to Hogwarts on Sunday. See you then.
Lily
P.S.You can show this around; I don't care. I'd send another to Eva, but I only have one owl. The other one is strictly for messages to the Ministry.
She felt a bit relieved when she saw Alisande disappear into the clouds with Lily's letter clamped in her beak, and was pleased to think that she wouldn't be bombarded with letters any more. And, a week later, on Sunday morning, when the Ministry official pulled up outside her house at six in the morning, she was ready to leave. Lily had arranged with Mrs. Dursley that she would check up on her family from time to time, and she was coming home for Christmas and Easter vacations.
The trip took almost forever; in reality it was fifteen hours before they pulled up at the Hogsmeade train station, where Hagrid was waiting for her. He took her trunk and bag, so they got to Hogwarts relatively quickly. He took her to Dumbledore's office, and after she had checked in and confirmed that she and her family were all right, she fell into her four-poster at ten o'clock.
Lily woke up next morning exhausted; not surprising, after all, she had spent fifteen hours in a cramped car. Still, she thankfully appreciated the warm shower that refreshed her nicely, and she blessed the house-elves for having washed all of her clothing that had been badly wrinkled after being shut in her trunk. So she was able to slip into her mother's Youth Actor's T-shirt and the jazz pants without feeling that she had put on clothes that had had a cliff dropped upon them and formed permanent wrinkles. Touching her shirt briefly and remembering reading over scripts with her mother, she tied both of her braids with a bit of wide black ribbon, put on the old tap shoes she hadn't paid much attention to lately, and over all that the Hogwarts robes. Ready, though still tired, she walked downstairs to the common room.
Lily wasn't very hungry, even though she'd had nothing for twenty-four hours, so she didn't go downstairs for breakfast. This allowed her to avoid being attacked by her friends, whom she had pretty much avoided for the last month. She simply curled up in an armchair and dozed off, only waking up when someone tugged at her sleeve.
"Lily! You're back! Snape said you would be today, but of course we didn't believe him, and we've missed you so much!"
It was Eva. She hugged her friend tightly, and, after releasing her hold and allowing Lily to breathe, she went on with her news.
"And Slytherin stampeded Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff in the last Quidditch matches, so all we've got to do now is to beat Hufflepuff to be in the final running, andoh, it's so good to see you!" She hugged Lily again, who was trying to repress a smile.
"And Serena's been a regular git lately, but we all know why that was. And practically all the Gryffindor team failed this Transfig exam McGonagall popped on us because you weren't there to help them study, and everyone's been asking about you, especially Abigail and Sirius and Remus and Peter, and you haven't answered me at all lately! I must've sent you tons of letters, but you never sent anything back, and you've got to tell me all that's been going on! Mum and Dad said they saw you in Diagon"
The bell to go to classes interrupted Eva, and Lily jumped up and grabbed her bag. "Eva, I promise I'll tell you what I can tonight, but now my teacher's gonna kill me if I don't get to Ancient Runes!"
Eva nodded. "Fine. I've got to go, too, but, oh, Lily"
Lily got to Study of Ancient Runes just as the bell rang, so she didn't have to answer many questions. Her seat next to Sirius was still empty, and she slid into it, smiling quickly at her friend.
Their lesson that day was a bit harder. They were given a short paragraph of an unknown language (that looked suspiciously like Quenya) to translate and rewrite in English, but with the letters of that language.
Lily finished just as the bell rang, and she immediately dashed off to Potions, where she was bombarded by notes from Sirius, Remus, Peter, and the Slytherins. This class was ideal for passing notes, as Professor Cauldwell never opened his eyes, but it was bad for talking. Professor Cauldwell had some sort of built-in magical radar for people even mouthing words. The only answers Lily gave were to Sirius and Severus: I'll tell you later, and to everyone else; C'est pas tes oignons.
The only other different things about her classes was that tiny Professor Flitwick, the Charms professor, gave her a tiny grin and that Professor Trelawney kept looking at her with eyes even more bug-like, larger, and more mournful than ever. It was ignorable at first, but after a quarter hour, it became positively annoying.
By the time dinner came around, Lily was famished, and she dug into the sweet potatoes, steak-and-kidney pie, and leek soup with an appetite that made Eva stare. But then again, as Lily pointed out, Eva had had lunch, dinner, breakfast, and lunch. Lily hadn't; she had spent the lunch hour in Professor Dumbledore's office explaining the events of the last month. She had the very strong feeling, however, that he was a bit amazed at what she had told him; what she didn't know was that the amazement was at the amount of things she, a thirteen-year-old, had accomplished.
When dinner was over, Lily went to her old dormitory, along with Eva, Vanessa, Amanda, and Abigail, and explained to them that her father had come close to losing his mind with grief over his dead wife, and that she had had to help out at home. Not a word about his drinking.
The next week passed in a blur; the only things that stood out were Serena, Inc. and Sheila & Co., who had joined together in making Lily out to be a sort of pathetic Cinderella type of person, and ordering her to carry their books in the hallway. Lily could have replied smartly, but she had the funny idea that they weren't really worth whatever kicks she wanted to give them, so she ignored them. She was also coming in for a fair share of taunts about the tap shoes, but when Lily responded with, "They're really good for kicking people with. At leastI think they arewould you mind if I tested them on you?, the comments ceased.
The next Quidditch match came and went, and Serena and Sheila kept growing nastier and nastier. If Lily had cared enough about their jibes to ask someone why they were doing that, she either would have gotten a disbelieving look or a long explanation. This long explanation came, unasked for and a bit unwelcome for both the reciever and speaker, from Sirius.
"You mean you haven't noticed? Isn't there such a thing as a woman's intution or something like that? Smart as you are, I'd think you'd have noticed."
"Noticed what?"
"Just watch James when he's unaware of it. AnytimePotions, Charms, Divination, Anatomy, Astronomy I think you have with him, Herbology I know you do, Transfiguration, and History of Magicin any of those classes! Or lunch; I don't care; dinner or breakfast would work just as well!"
"Why?"
"Lily, dear, there's such a thing as non-comprehension and stupidity."
"And my case would be ?"
"Stupidity."
"Gee, thanks."
"But, Lily, you should have seen James when you were gone. He hardly paid any attention to Serena, hardly any attention to the Quidditch"
"I heard my name?"
Sirius whirled around. "Oh, hi, James I was just mentioning mentioning "
Lily saved him. "Mentioning to me how incredibly stupid I am. Good night!" She climbed over the back of the sofa, leaving the two boys there, one a bit puzzled, the other starting after her.
"Lily, I didn't mean it that way! Lily"
James pulled Sirius back. "What were you really telling her?"
Sirius pulled his face into a half-grin. "I'll take a leaf outta Lily's book. Good night!" With that, he had vanished up the dormitory stairway, leaving James feeling incredibly glad that he'd butted in when he did.
The next morning, Remus had vanished. The official explanation was that he had been attacked in the hallway by a few enraged Slytherins; the real one was that he was vacationing at a charming resort located in Hogsmeade; name: The Shrieking Shack; entrance: passageway underneath an enraged tree; companions: fictional ghosts and self. Lily was relieved to hear that everyone was forbidden to go near it nowsomeone named Davey Gudgeon had nearly lost an eye trying to touch the trunk, so now the passageway should be safer than it had been.
Lily was sending regular owls to Petunia with instructions: don't let Dad leave the house without eating breakfast, don't let him leave a mess around the house, make him do something other than just watch TV, be sure and call him several times when you get home from school, make him come home at a reasonable hour or there'll be punishments like no coffee in the mornings, put his paycheck in the bank yourself, and, for Pete's sake, make sure he doesn't smell like a drunk! She was also sending her father regular letters along with those to Petunia, mostly saying things like "I love you, Dad; don't forget me before I come home at Christmas!" So, in a sense, Lily was still running the household, but from far away.
One morning, a Saturday, Lily was wandering outside on the grounds, munching an apple absentmindedly while she played with the hem of her robes. She knelt down by the side of the lake, welcoming the chilly breeze. Vaguely, as she stared into the depths of the lake, she heard a rustling next to her, but she practically fell over backwards when the rustling spoke.
"So, what really went on at your place when you were gone?"
Lily sat back up. "Jesus, you nearly scared the living death outta me!"
"So you're in possession of living death?"
"Of course. I'm just special like that."
"Ah. Mind if I sit here?"
"You're already sitting."
"I know. But do you mind?"
"Well, you wouldn't move even if I said yes, so I'll say no and see what happens. No."
"Good." He let out a relieved sigh. "So, any hints as to what you really went through?"
Lily stiffened. "I don't see why you should care."
"I'm your friend, possibly?"
"Are you?"
He shrugged. "I'd like to be. Would you let me?"
"I don't know." She leaned back and stared up at the sky, lying on the grass. "I dont see why you'd want to be."
"I don't know, either. I just do."
"That's scary."
"You don't say." He leaned back into the freshly cut lawns, too, staring at a passing airplane. "But you didn't tell us everything when you told us why you went."
"I showed you the letter, didn't I?"
"Yeah." He sat up halfway, facing her, head resting on his hand. "But you went through a bit more than just comforting your father."
"You're psychic now?"
"No. I can just read faces better. You've got dark rings under your eyes that never came from telling your father you'd be there for him. What?"
For Lily had sat up sharply, hands pressed above her cheekbones. "I do?"
"I would offer to loan you a mirror, but they're so evident that you could see them if you looked into that lake. Plus I'm a guy."
"But how can we be sure of that?"
"You could check?"
Lily stared at him incredulously; then, when he started laughing at her face, she also pulled her face into a grin. "I'll pass." She dropped back into the stems of grass, and almost hit James in the face when she moved her arm up quickly after an antbite.
"Watch it!"
"Sorry. Ants."
"Oh-Hey-what's that?" He had caught sight of the back of her right arm when she had lifted it, and the burnt marks were still evident, though still a light pink.
Lily turned red and sat up quickly, hiding her arms behind her back. "Nothing."
"It looks like you were burnt or cut or something!"
She turned an even deeper shade of red. "I told you, it's nothing!"
He sat up, too, facing her. "Is that why you're looking so terrible?"
"Well, thanks! Is what why?"
"Your father doesn't-he doesn't-" James stopped, stuck. "He didn't do that, did he?"
"Do what?"
"Lil, you should turn him in for that! That might be serious-what am I saying-it is serious! It looks like you were hurt really bad-let me see that!" He wrenched her arm away and held it still, in spite of her repeated efforts to pull away.
"You've either had skin cut away or been burnt, and I'm inclined to think the former. What really happened last month?"
Lily was the one that was stuck, but not for the same reason. Her mind was searching frantically for an excuse or a real good lie.
"Lil, you can tell me! Really-listen, I really think you should go to Dumbledore about that! I think-"
Lily managed to pull away. She stood up with such a force that she almost fell backwards, but was saved by the trunk of the willow that loomed up behind her. Ignoring the branch that was stabbing her between the shoulderblades, her anger broke loose again.
"You think you have the right to assume anything you like about my family, dont you? Anything that might make you out to be a sort of comforter-let me go!" She pulled away from him, practically spitting her words out.
"You don't have the right to think anything. If you're so slow you think of stupid crap like that, don't think at all. And don't make me hear it-I haven't the slightest intention to pay any attention what you see. Go to your Cissa and leave me alone-I don't want anything else to do with you. Get lost-preferably in the Forbidden Forest or the Shrieking Shack. And stay there. I hope Remus bites you next month! I hate you, James Potter, and I'll hate you till the day I die! Let me go!" She wrenched herself free, and, her cheekbones sticking out of her face in rage and her hair wild and matted to her head, the furious banshee vanished quickly around the bend of the castle, leaving James behind, quite a bit puzzled, and a blonde form familiar to both of them behind the tree very delighted.
When Lily was sure he wasn't following her, she stepped inside the outside of the Forbidden Forest, breathing hard. She twisted around and examined her arm. She hadn't thought they were that evident; but they obviously were. Groaning, Lily sank down onto the roots of a tree and stayed there until it grew dark outside, searching her mind frantically for a good excuse, one that Dumbledore would hopefully buy if the matter was called to his attention.
The shadows were growing longer and longer as Lily walked back to Gryffindor Tower, disheartened and scared as she thought of what might happen if James butted in and took this mess to the Ministry, and if the Ministry believed him, what would they do to her father? Lips white, she pushed the portrait open (clam chowder) and found herself face to face with someone she'd already spoken to that day and sincerely wished she hadn't.
"What are you doing here?"
"I'm a Gryffindor. I have the right to be."
"But not to block my way."
"Wanna bet?"
"All right. Your life against my nail clippings. They're worth about the same thing."
Serena's eyes narrowed. "Excuse me?"
"Fine. Toenail clippings, if you're so set against fingernails."
"You think you're so wonderful, don't you? So great and smart and brilliant, don't you?"
"I don't have to think. I know."
Serena blocked her again as Lily tried to get by. "You've got problems of your own. I heard every word of what you said to James this afternoon near the lake. Every single word. Your family's a mess, your father abuses you as much he can, with his half-cracked mind, your mother's rotting away in the ground, and you've inflicted violence on anyone you can. You should be expelled for even hitting someone, and I'll make sure you are."
Lily simply stared at her aggressor, effectively enraging her to the point of almost madness. When Serena was practically speechless, Lily gave a deep, low, perfect bow, and quoted to Serena the words she had once wanted badly to tell someone.
"I apologize again for all my shortcomings."
With that, she pushed past the Barbie with the contorted, melted features and left the common room, all of whose inhabitants (five) were expecting her to attack Serena. They were all disappointed when she didn't, but still, a tiny bit of admiration was among the disappointment. And Serena knew what was going through their minds.
She pinched her lips close together, and, with the attention of Gryffindor Tower on her, for no reason at all except hurt vanity, she pulled Lily back and slapped her hard in the face, leaving a red mark.
Lily shook her head and put her hand up to her cheek. "Cissa, dear, we need to teach you how to fight. Now this-" she continued, not losing her cool, "this is,-" With a smooth movement, she removed Serena's legs from under her and pinned her arms together-"Cissa dear,-" she pulled Serena's green silk scarf from around her neck and stuffed it into Serena's mouth-"this is how one fights without hurting oneself." Effectively having pinned Serena to the ground without inflicting her any harm except a hurt ego, Lily stood back up and walked towards her dormitory for the third time, not bothering to change her languid, slightly bored expression. And it infuriated Serena even more to realize that Lily hadn't responded to any of her jibes, taunts, and not the way she had wanted to after she had hit her.
That very evening, James approached her again. Lily was on her bed, reading Sofies Welt, a philosophy history slash novel, and she was a bit peeved when James disturbed her, to say nothing of disconcerted.
"I thought I told you I never wanted to speak to you again?"
He shrugged. "I need to talk to you."
"I meant what I said."
"Lil, I need to talk to you."
Lily didn't respond. She turned the page, coming to the description of Democrates."
"I told you I wanted to talk to you! The least you could do is put that stupid book away and give me some time to talk!"
Lily turned another page. "What is time?"
He started to speak, then stopped. When a minute had passed, Lily spoke again.
"I thought so. Now go away. I've already talked to you, and it's the last time I intend to do so. Leave; this is a girls' dorm!"
"I will go to Dumbledore unless you tell me the truth."
It was a sort of satisfaction to see the paleness that jumped into her cheeks, and the fright that came into her eyes.
"Why? Why do you even bother? It's none of your concern!"
"Yes, it is. You're my friend."
"No, I'm not! I don't want to be! You-"
"I what?" He had a hold over her and he knew it, and just for that, she could have killed him gladly.
Lily half-sighed, half-whimpered. "This is blackmail!"
He grinned. "I know! I've been looking for your vulnerable part for ages ever since I met you, in fact!"
Lily raised her eyebrows. "Then either you're really bad at it or I'm very good at hiding it."
"You're very good."
"Not modest at all, are we? You didn't say a word about your being bad at it."
"Nope. I'm not. Not you nor me." He stopped, then went on. "Notice you didn't deny it."
"James, you're doing this for a reason, and I want to know it right now."
"Oh, right! Almost forgot!" Lily could have kicked herself. "So-you gonna tell me?"
Lily frowned. "Of course, you don't know if what I'll tell you is the truth "
"I'll find out if it isn't, and then I'll just drop by Dumbledore's office and mention, among other things, how nicely the last Quidditch match went."
Lily aimed a blow at his head, but he warded it off easily, still grinning. He knew he had her cornered, and he was enjoying every minute of it. Lily wasn't. It was taking all of her acting skill to not break out in either hysterical, unprompted laughter or just completely go insane and start throwing a sort of fit. She was frightened, frightened past anything she could imagine, and her stomach was wrenching itself together, making her feel somewhat nauseated.
But, pushing that and the lump in her throat into the back of her mind, she cut and pasted a brilliant smile to paste on her face, twinkling eyes, and a carefree character. She did such a good job with the pasting part that James couldn't have pierced her laughing faēade if he'd tried, which he didn't. Even though he noticed she wasn't exactly as usual; more cheerful, actually, than was normal.
"Lil, I want an answer. You're telling me what went on! Believe it or not, I'm just a tiny bit worried."
"I'll go with the 'or not'. But all right, all right, come on." She jumped off of the bed and started out the door.
"Hey, where're you going?"
Lily half-turned. "Idiot! This is a public girls' dormitory!"
"Oh." He shrugged. "All right, then, if you don't want half the world to hear " Getting to his feet, he followed her out and led her through the house-elves' door.
They emerged in an empty, unused wing of Hogwarts. It was a long, dark hallway; no torches had been here for ages. Lined with mildew and damp with age, it was drafty and disgusting. Lily shivered.
"What is this place?"
James grinned. "Me and Sirius discovered it one day when we were cutting class. Come on!" He grasped a handle in the wall, which Lily hadn't noticed at all, and pulled it out.
The door swung open to reveal another, darker hallway, though slightly warmer, and James grabbed her wrist and pulled her inside, closing the door after them. They went on for a few seconds, then, obviously spotting something on one of the walls, James pushed on it, and a tiny crack of yellow grew to a huge rift. He had pushed another door open, and Lily had to stifle a gasp as she walked inside.
It was a rather large room, carpeted with rugs Lily recognized, though instead of the Gryffindor lion and red and gold design, they sported a snake and a silver and gold rim that Lily was only too familiar with. The chairs in there were also a dark green, though they had been covered as well as was possible with all sorts of blankets other than green and black. The walls were draped with blankets, too, and Lily caught sight of a sort of bump underneath one. James pushed her inside and locked the door.
"Like it?"
Lily raised her eyebrows. "Is that a Slytherin rug I see before me?"
He grinned. "Yeah. We knew their password last year, so, naturally but they had to change it this year. I wish I knew why they kept doing that!"
Lily folded her arms. "I wonder why!"
He shrugged, pulling out a chair. "There is that. But pull up a seat, my lady!" He pointed towards one of three armchairs.
Lily frowned. "Correctly, that would be; 'Seateth thyself, my fair maiden, and sojourn while I weary thee with my talk.' Technically, too, you also should pull out my chair for me and bow, but I won't hold you to it."
"Good. But sit, woman!"
She obeyed, with a sullen countenance.
"So-tell me, what's been going on with you?"
In an instant, Lily's smile dropped, her face went white, and James was shocked terribly at the changes that came over her features in those few seconds.
"Lil! I didn't mean-Lily, it's all right!" He knelt in front of her and put two hands on her shoulders, shaking her slightly. "Lily!"
She snapped out of it and stared down at him. "I'm all right!"
He frowned. "Liar."
Lily gulped a few times and stiffened. "You're really making me tell you this?"
Nodding, James pulled out his wand and made some diluted pink liquid materialize in the air next to her. "Of course. Take it."
She frowned but accepted, and next minute she hand spit it out onto the front of his robes, coughing. "What-what was that?"
James shrugged. "Diluted cherry wine."
"WHAT!?"
"It's what my mom drinks whenever she feels sick."
Lily glared at him. "And since when am I your mother?"
"I just thought it might help."
"Diluted wine for a thirteen-year-old? James, what are you planning to be when you grow up?"
He grinned at that. "A Quidditch player for England."
She sniffed. "Good thing you're not planning on being a doctor. I'd feel sorry for your patients."
"Speaking of patients " He took the glass away from her and replaced it with pumpkin juice-"What about you?"
Lily sighed. There was no way out of this-this maelstrom-and she could only trust to all that was holy to him that he would keep his mouth shut.
"I'm waiting!"
"Damn you!" She jumped up and made for the doorway, but he caught her sleeve. "One word. Dumbledore."
He was a bit pleased and a bit frightened at the expressions that fled across her face, ending with a resigned one. Lily sank back down into her armchair, exhausted as if she had just run twenty miles.
"All right. I give. Is that door soundproof?"
He nodded. "That's one of the good parts about this room."
"All right," Lily said, for the second time. "All right." Taking a deep breath, she plunged into her narrative of the last month
The only thing she didn't tell the truth about was the place she had gotten the burns-she explained to him that she'd left a pot on the stove with boiling water inside, left the room, and come back to find the bottom of the pot red-hot, and when she tried to remove the pot from the stove, droplets of hot metal splattered everywhere, burning holes in the carpet. Several bits had landed on her, too, and that was where she had received the burns from.
When she finally stopped, she was even more exhausted and tentative than she had been, and he was speechless. James simply sat back on his heels, absorbing everything she had just told him, trying to comprehend, trying to understand, and more shocked than anything else.
"Lily, I-"
"Hum?" She was sipping the rest of her pumpkin juice wearily, head leaning back on the cushions.
"I-I didn't realize-Lil, I'm so sorry! I really wish I hadn't asked you-oh man, did I make a mess of things!" He sighed, and Lily agreed with jerking nods.
"You certainly did, you nosy little git!" She didn't really mean it, though.
"Lil, all I can say is that I'm sorry. Really sorry."
"You'd better be. And if you've hidden anyone in here to be a witness or something, or if anyone heard this, you're dead, rotting fish."
"I thought the expression was 'dead meat.'"
"James, dear, fish goes bad faster and smells worse. Poor Richard's Almanack- 'Fish, like visitors, smell in three days'."
He threw his hands into the air. "Lil, I promise, I'm never telling anyone about this. Not even if we get in a huge fight-I promise; I won't tell."
"You didn't have to. Promise, that is; I never really thought you would."
"Really?" His face lit up. "You think that much of me?"
"Sit down. You're getting ahead of yourself. It's just that you're not the kind of person that gossips. Neither is Sirius or Remus. Now Peter-that's a different story!"
"What-why?"
"He'll tell anyone anything to get into their good graces. Oh, don't look so scandalized-you know he would!"
James dropped his frown. "I suppose he would."
Lily nodded. "Finally, you're beginning to see reason!"
"Reason means saying yes to whatever you say, right?"
"Right. And right now, I have to go-go as in leave."
"Why?"
Looking at her wrist watch, Lily sniffed. "Because it's one o'clock in the morning, genius!"
"Oh." James helped her out of her chair, then led her to the doorway. "Lil, I want you to know I was serious."
"About what? Blackmail?"
"No " He kicked the carpet nervously. "About-SIRIUS BLACK; WHAT ON EARTH!?"
Both of them jumped. Outside, Sirius had been leaning against the door, and as James opened the door, Sirius fell in. He quickly jumped up, dusting off his robes and grinning half-heartedly.
"So-James, what were you serious about?"
"Well-see, her father had this drinking problem she didn't tell anyone else about, and-Oops!" He slapped his forehead with his hand. "I'm an idiot!"
"I wonder where you'd get an idea like that." Lily had folded her arms sarcastically.
Both of the boys had turned to her. "Lil-" James was stunned, mostly from shock at his tongue.
Lily was simply staring at him, not screaming, not hitting, not glaring. Just staring deeply into his eyes with two bottomless wells of hurt.
"James, how could you? After I trusted you!"
He was stuck. He would have much preferred a temper outbreak over this-this accusation-this that he knew was true. He hated himself for doing it, he hated everything right now except the betrayed eyes in front of him.
"Lil-I-I'm sorry-I-"
She dropped her eyes, turned them to the floor, to the walls. "Never mind. It wasn't your fault."
He stared. "It wasn't?"
"No." She blinked hard. "I should have known not to trust you. It's not your fault-not at all. I was stupid. Please forget everything I said-well, you don't have to. If this gets all around the school, it's my fault."
It was that speech that most condemned him in his eyes. She wasn't blaming him-simply taking something that was his fault onto her own small shoulders. Sirius took this moment to vanish into the shadows.
"Lily, I'm so sorry! It slipped out-really, it did! I can't think of anything I regret more!"
"Neither can I. I-" her voice broke-"I'm going to bed."
"No!" He caught her by the crook of her arm. "Lily, no! I-really-I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am-Lily, please at least look at me!"
Next instant, he wished he hadn't. The eyes full of every aspect of human pain were pointed straight at his, seeming to pierce through his shallow layer and disclosing the most inconstant part of humanity there ever was found. James could almost feel what she was-almost.
"Lily, please! I've never been so sorry for anything in my life! You have to believe me!"
She turned away. "I'm going to bed. Goodnight. Please don't follow me." With that, she effectively cut off any possibility of his detaining her any longer, and disappeared down the dark corridor. James sat down, gripping his hair in his hands as Sirius emerged.
"Well, you certainly made a mess of that one."
"No kidding! Did you see her eyes! God, I hope I never make her look like that again and she really trusted me, too! I could kill myself for that!"
Sirius frowned. "Suicide for Cissa's worst enemy? I'd rethink that. I'll forget you said that, if you want me to."
James shrugged. "I don't care about Cissa right now-don't care at all-did you see how badly I hurt her? I'll never forget that as long as I live!"
Sirius' frown deepened as he knelt down next to James. "Well-as long as we're on the subject, what about her dad's drinking problem?"
James simply stared at him, stood up, and vanished in the direction Lily had gone. Sirius was alone now.
"Well, there goes that!"
Lily didn't sleep at all that night-or, for what was left of the night. She kept tossing and turning under the blankets, berating herself for her stupidity in telling James anything. Why hadn't she just kept her mouth shut? As the night wore into morning, she had replayed every minute of last night's disaster in her mind several times, had watched the first snowflakes fall onto the windowsill, and had hardened her heart even more against possible intrusions.
When she decided to get out of bed, it was five in the morning, and the snow on the windowsill was three inches high. It was rather cold in the dormitory, so Lily wasted no time getting dressed.
She quietly tiptoed downstairs and arranged herself in her usual early-morning chair near the fire, and, burying herself in a study of Socrates' ideas and history, she effectively managed to blot out the world around her.
It surprised James when he came down at six. Lily was dreamily staring at the words on a page; not seeing it and not really looking at it, but more through it. Her face contorted itself into several frowns and wrinkled in a sort of understanding several times, and from time to time she sort of nodded. And, just when he was about to wake her from what he thought was a dream, her mouth twisted into an expression of pain; her eyes squeezed tightly shut, and then-then she opened them wide, staring into James' face, only two inches away from hers.
She pulled her shoulders out of his grasp. "What?"
"You all right? You went all weird-like someone was crucifying you or something."
"Oh." Lily nodded. "I do that sometimes, I'm told. No-it was just-Socrates just drank the Schierlingsbecher."
James stared. "Who got drunk from what?"
She shook her head. "Never mind. Go away, please."
He knelt down in front of her. "Lil, I want to talk to you about last night."
"That's the last thing I want to talk about. Please go away."
"Lil, no! I want to explain-"
"There's nothing go explain. If you don't go, I will."
He put his hands firmly on her wrists, standing over her. "You're listening to what I have to say."
Lily didn't glare at him, didn't get angry. She simply stared up at him. "And why should I?"
His memory flashed back to her hurt eyes that early morning, and he released his hold. "You're right. You shouldn't have to. But would you?"
Lily determinedly shook her head. "No. I dont want to hear anything about it, and certainly not from you."
"Oh. I see."
"No. You don't. You never will. But go to bed or anywhere else-I don't care. Just leave me alone."
"Lily!"
"I should think that if you had any decency at all, you'd leave. I don't know how many times I've asked you to do so, but please do."
"Lil!"
She sighed and stood up. "I will, then." Ignoring his protestations, she walked out of the common room and down to breakfast.
The rest of the day passed quickly; time seemed to fly by as the rest of the Gryffindors had a large snowball fight out on the lawn and had their hot cocoa party in the common room afterwards (James and Serena shared a cup). Lily didn't participate; she stayed in the darkest corner of the common room that she could find, ignoring any invitations to join in. She didn't consider herself hurt or betrayed at all; she simply had had enough of the whole human race and was sick and tired of everyone in that room.
Tuesday, Herbology fell out because of the amount of snow; no one felt like traipsing through three feet of icy masses, much less Professor Groves. So that period Lily spent in the library, finishing her Astronomy homework. She didn't bother to look up when someone else dumped a stack of books on the table, making it shake madly.
"Oops." He sat down and pulled out a sheet of parchment inside one of the books and started copying down something. Lily noticed he kept shooting nervous glances over at her, and she finally put her quill down and looked up.
"Anything else you want to tell me?"
He started. "Um-er-"
"I thought as much. Anything else?"
"Oh-"He grabbed the sheet of parchment sitting next to him. "Mind if you help me?"
Lily looked James up and down, finally turning back to her own work. "No."
"Lil, come on!"
"I said no."
He couldn't get another word out of her for the rest of the day, and he couldn't manage to make her look up, either.
