"America. A land where spelling doesn't count, but people's pets do. The place where every young man has to answer in his heart the question: What do you love more, your girlfriend, or your car? ... The land where even a paperboy can option the film rights to a book."
So true, my maple-loving, snow-shoveling, moose-hugging, Canadian bacon-eating friend.
We live in a funny little country, and not even the recent terrorist attacks will make us give up our stubborn values.
Take, for instance, the commercial I saw wedged right in between CNN coverage of airstrikes in Afghanistan. For only $14.95 (plus shipping and handling) you could buy your own little patriotism kit, complete with two car flags that easily snap onto your vehicle window, two clingy decals, and a personalized flag pin. If you act quickly, you can also get the American bear Beanie Baby.
Have we sunk so low that we are now marketing our patriotism on "not-sold-in-stores" tv commercials? I even saw a booth at the mall for patriotic supplies. Does anyone else see the shame in adorning our SUVs (that other symbol of American freedom besides Old Glory) with red white and blue?
Most cultures don't give a shit about overt patriotism (does anyone in England really wear their flag on T-shirts? No! Only in America at Wet Seal stores can you buy a Union Jack sweater).
Do the Afghani people pin their flag to their messenger bags and watch tv commercials by big business corportations who are tacky opportunists, turning a tragedy into a commercial spouting their prideful and compassionate American image? Huh? Do they? No! Only here does tragedy become comercial. Only here do people profit from bloodshed. Only here do celebrities donate 1/345th of what they earn to the Red Cross.
Only in America can nationalism be so crude.
I saw the ugliest antenna ornament the other day ... a red, white and blue pipe cleaner job that could have only been a kindergartener's craft project. They're everywhere. Homemade homages to America. Ribbons on backpacks. Painted signs hung on backyard fences. Poster board collages in the back window of pickup trucks. While they are definately trashy eyesores, they are also somewhat endearing. More so than the mass-produced $14.95 patriotism.
These home-spun American tributes define us as a nation that is unashamed to declare our pride, even if its over the PA in a kareoke bar. A nation reverent of the flag, but also not afraid to hang it over a window because you have better things to do with your money than buy curtains, as The Kids in the Hall put it. Patriotism is at once sacred and silly, kinda like painting your face for a Raiders game or the band Slipknot.
Only in America would someone silk-screen anti-Osama bin Laden T-shirts claiming, "Terrorists ... No where to hide", putting neat little cross-hares over his face like we're about to blow his brains out. Did Hitler ever get a T-shirt, by the way? Something like "Heil My Ass, Hitler!"
So, to wrap up: America, a place for Americans. Where else would we belong?