The First Annual TURD Awards have been a success. Over five hundred people voted in twelve different categories in an attempt to let people know what TV we should and shouldn't flush. Enjoy the winners. Just informing my readers that I´m out of the country for the 2000-2001 TV season but promise to return in September of 2001 with a new design but the same commentary that you´ve come to trust. Thanks for reading!! --The Tube

Best Cliffhanger, And the Nominees Are: Faith steals Buffy's body and pretends to be Buffy. What will Faith do, and worse off what will become of Buffy now that she looks like Faith, a fugitive on the run on Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Daphne sneaks out of her own wedding to run away with Niles on a special season fianle. Where will these two go, and what will they do on Frasier? A sniper attacks the president and cast on the season finale. Who will live and who will die on The West Wing? Ross and Jill (Rachel's sister)have a hot and heavy date at which point they return to Ross's apartment, and Jill shuts the blinds for privacy. Will Ross have his way with the other Greene sister on Friends? Pacey suddenly and unexpectedly kisses Joey at the end of the March 1 episode. Due to a six-week hiatus, the kiss stayed on the lips of Joey and Pacey on Dawson's Creek. And the winner is Frasier. The grand exeunt belongs not to a dinky little boat that will never sail, but a major RV with a sign, "If the car's a rockin', don't come a knockin'"

Best Catfighter, And the Nominees Are: Buffy Sommers who slays vampires and has mastered the stake on Buffy the Vampire Slayer Isabel Evans who uses her alien powers to transform objects and enter people's dreams on Roswell Rachel Greene who whines, begs, and has studied the power of the credit card on Friends Ling Woo who has sexual prowess, money, and the appropriate amount of bitchiness to get what she wants on Ally McBeal Kerry Weaver who orders and manipulates people to her advantage AND knows how to use her crutch on ER Three votes separated our winner, Buffy Sommers, with her quick moves from our second place contestant, Ling, who prefers to manipulate. Kerry Weaver took a surprising third place proving that a conniving sense of business and a crutch make a dangerous combination.

Most-slappable and most-hatable man, And the Nominees Are: Dawson Leery for presenting Joey with the "me or Pacey" ultimatum on Dawson's Creek Ross Geller for dating a college student and then dumping her for being too young on Friends Max Evans for leading Liz Parker on even though he is betrothed to Tess on Roswell Dylan McKay for breaking up Kelly and Matt's engagement when he realized he couldn't see Kelly with another man on Beverly Hills 90210 John Carter for treating Lucy like sh*t and then feeling guilty about her death on ER Although Carter acted like a pretty big jerk this past season, most people say shame on Dawson for presenting Joey with an ultimatum. I suppose he received a metaphorical slap in the face when Joey chose Pacey and sailed off with him.

Woman most likely scarfing-and-barfing, And the Nominees Are: Ally McBeal of Ally McBeal Monica Geller of Friends Rachel Greene of Friends Donna Martin of Beverly Hills 90210 Cordelia Chase of Angel Was this really a contest? Eight years ago Donna Martin would have won this race, and four years ago Monica or Rachel would have won it, but today the most bulemic of our stars is the face of the next millenium's Kate Moss, Ally McBeal.

Which couple would have the best-looking baby? And the Nominees Are: Buffy and Riley on Buffy the Vampire Slayer Rick and Lily on Once & Again Harm and Mac on JAG Colin and Amaya on The Real World, Hawaii Monica and Chandler on Friends We all know that Buffy and Riley's baby would be the least likely you'd want to see in a dark alley, but Monica and Chandler would have the most attractive baby. At the recommendation of a friend, I saw this baby on Conan O'Brian's website and realize that you people made the wrong decision.

Most unexpected couple, as a matter of fact, why are they even together? And the Nominees Are: Isabel and Alex on Roswell Rachel and Bruce Willis on Friends Cleo and Peter on ER Jen and Henry on Dawson's Creek Karen and Leo on Once & Again Age is the great divider at the TURD Awards, and chemistry never made as little sense as it did when Rachel and Bruce Willis hooked up on Friends

Show Most Worthy of Cancellation, And the Nominees Are: ER Felicity Walker, Texas Ranger 7th Heaven NYPD Blue The people spoke loudly and clearly here. 74% of respondents would cancel Walker, Texas Ranger in less time than it takes George W. Bush to execute somebody. Felicity had a group of cancelation supporters, and I even saw some well-deserved, write-in votes for Martial Law, but I think Walker says enough about bad CBS series.

Best Reality Show, And the Nominees Are: Real World, Hawaii Cast Road Rules, Semester at Sea Survivor Making the Band Big Brother The tribal council unfortunately spoke and voted Survivor above its closest (but not too close) competitor, The Real World. I'm pretty sick of Richard and you should be tired of him as well...more complaining Amaya for me. Interesting, Road Rules came in dead last place with only one vote to its name.

Best Cooking Show, And the Nominees Are: Emeril Live Cooking Live with Sarah Molton Chilling and Grilling with Bobby Flay The Iron Chef Galloping Gourmet (reruns) Maybe the rumors are true and The Iron Chef is rigged, because in a head-to-head competition, Iron Chef beat Emeril. In a battle of skill and wit, America's favorite element was chosen: iron beats essence.

Best New Show, And the Nominees Are: Roswell Angel The West Wing Once and Again Survivor A close race that kept me guessing until the end. Although a late August rally brought Survivor a number of votes, it came in third place behind what some consider the best series of the year, The West Wing. However, the Turd for Best Show goes to Roswell and all of its Tobasco Sauce friends.

Best Comedy, And the Nominees Are: Friends Frasier Sports Night Will and Grace Ally McBeal Only six people voted for Ally McBeal allowing shows like Frasier and Will & Grace to receive some votes. In the end, Friends wins this race as the funniest show. I suppose we'll see if everyone stays tuned to Must Miss TV this October as the gang preps for a wedding and Ross gets a hair cut.

Best Drama, And the Nominees Are: Buffy the Vampire Slayer The West Wing The Practice Once & Again Law & Order Buffy slayed the competition and took 36% of the vote in this battle of battles. The Emmys may not have nominated the power of the Scooby Gang, but the Toilet Tube surely has. The Practice took in 21% of the vote followed by Law & Order with 15%. Rounding out the category were The West Wing earning 12% of the vote and Once & Again with a small but respectable (and why didn't more people vote for this show) 9%.

Best Comedic Quotation, And the Nominees Are: Why wouldn't he want to date me? He has a penis. --Ling on Ally McBeal You never want to be on time for a ritual. The chanting, the blood rites, they can go on forever. --Holland on Angel Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell, and then I do a spell myself. --Xander on Buffy Good. Evil. These are moral absolutes that predate malts and hops. --Some frat guy on Buffy Did we not put the "grrr" in girl?" --Willow, emphasizing girl power, on Buffy We're not in Capeside anymore, Toto. This is some alternate reality where our intellects are sharper, our quips are wittier, and our hearts are repeatedly broken while faintly in the background some soon to be out-of-date contempo-pop music plays. --Jen on Dawson's I hate my haircut. --Felicity on Felicity The quotations are my favorite and the TURDS most significant award. This year, shock value won and Ling with her sexual fervor captured 30% of the vote making her the most most humorous speaker of the year. In second place came Felicity with 17% of the vote. She really shouldn't have had that cut. Rounding out the category was a tie for third place between the ever wittiful Jen and Xander...now these two would make a good couple.

Best Dramatic Quotation, And the Nominees Are: Why do we become so afraid of who we are? --Karen on Once & Again I think they should invent a new word [for] the moment before you kiss someone. --Grace on Once & Again There's nothing more oppressive than a well-meaning sympathizer on the loose. --Wayne Mayfield on The Practice Where do we say death is so close it is OK to kill? --Helen, arguing against euthanasia, on The Practice The bigger the world gets, the bigger your problems get, too. And now in this big world, even the biggest problems are solved. --Liz on Roswell If you're good enough to be in second place, you're good enough to know you're disappointed. --Dan Sports Night Nobody ever looks like Joe McCarthy. That's how they get their foot in the door. --Toby on The West Wing Here comes the big finale. I tried to have some fun and philosophy in this final category. 29% of you decided to find yourselves in this big world and vote for Liz who vowed to solve her problems with the help of an alien. Coming in second place with a more political message was Helen who captured 20% of the vote, and not far behind was Toby who took 17% of the vote.

What you had to say about the TURDS and the nominees. Roswell should definitely win! It's the best show eva and the cast rules! Look at that hot Brendan Fehr and that sexy Jason! And that ninocent Shiri and that funky Kathren and that funny Maria and shall I go on?! Friends should win all the way. You think Janice will come back now that Chandler's proposed to Monica? That'd be funny. Frasier rules. Kelsey Grammer is the funniest thing since ALF. (Don't ask me about the ALF reference, but as an ALF fan I decided to include this comment.) Your opinions on these shows make me sick. If you don't like them, why the hell do you have a site about them? Felicity should lose because we all disobey our parents and do something else, but I really don't think that there should be an entire show about that. If there should be one, then make a show about my life, because me and and my sisters don't to our parents. BIGGEST TEENAGE GIRL PSYCHO COMMENT: Pacey and Joey are going to fall happily ever after into love and then Pacey's going to come and live with me. Joey can come along and keep him happy, but I want Pacey all to myself