Vote Pittman!
Get ready Louisiana, there''s a new candidate in town.
Nick Pittman / Assistant Editor
Posted on February 19, 2003

I have given it some thought and have decided that I want to be the next governor of the great state of Louisiana! I have sat by too long and watched as the wrong people did the job for this amazing state.

Now, I know what you are thinking, and it's true ... I have no political experience. But, why should something like that matter? Some of our former governors had tons of political experience. Hell, some held the job many times and couldn't get it done. Furthermore, let me ask you this ... how much political experience do you think George Washington had?

That being said, let's get down to the business of my platform. These days, I hear people saying that we should run this state like a business. I don't know about you, but the only two kinds of businesses I see here are "Going out of Business" and "Business for Sale." Forget that - that's not the economy we need.

The first item on my agenda will be to help promote this whole tourism thing. Here's why I am behind tourism as the basis for our economy: Texas just landed a truck plant to make Toyota Tundras. Workers in the plant will have to sweat it out for an hour in that noisy, boring factory to make a measly $20. Think about this: We got lots of tourists coming in, dancing in the streets, working up an appetite, getting thirsty ... that's where you're needed. All you have to do is be there at Downtown Alive!, Mardi Gras or whatever festival happening that week with bags of peanuts, roasted corn on the cob or alligator on a stick for $2 a pop. Think about how many bags of nuts, bottled water or plastic beads you can sell in an hour! I'm willing to wager a free trip to Agenda Item #2 that it is more than $20 worth!

And just what is Agenda Item #2? It's time we get our state motto - the Sportsman's Paradise - up to code. My predecessor tried to get this ball rolling with his many trips to the duck blind and his acquisition of that sweet duck-hunting camp out at White Lake, but I am ready to take it up a notch. When elected, I will open a squirrel-hunting refuge in my home area of the Florida Parishes twice the size of that puny duck pond.

I know you folks down here like to shoot at ducks, but I implore you to go after the squirrel for a change. Friends, they have some fine squirrel-shooting grounds in those woods, not to mention deer, rabbit and anything else your appetite desires. If you have never had squirrel meat stew - juicy chunks of squirrel swimming in gravy - you have never lived!

The next item on my agenda will be to repeal the mandatory age for registering to run for governor. The law says that you must be at least 25 by the time the deadline rolls around for submitting your application. Well, this is America, and first of all I shouldn't have to register. Second of all, I will be 25 about a month or two before the election, so that should be good enough. If not, I smell an age discrimination lawsuit.

Speaking of registration, the state says I need to send them a check for $750 if I want in the race and an additional $375 if I want to run as a Republican or Democrat. Frankly, on my salary, I just can't afford it. So, if you want to see me in the Mansion come 2004, I suggest that you send a donation to 215 Garfield St., Lafayette, LA 70501 Attn: Nick Pittman's Governor's Fund. I promise that for every donation, no matter how large or small, you'll receive a personal phone call to discuss how we can make this state all the better.

In closing, I want to be your governor. Vote for me on Election Day. If I don't make it onto the ballot, write me in and pull the lever. If you are a product of this state's education system, do as I will be doing on that November morning and cut this column out, show it to the nice people and say, "Me want to vote for this one!" Elect me and this state will be sitting in gravy - squirrel gravy, that is!