The Ones that Weren't
In a better world, these gems would have gotten their own column.
Nick Pittman / Assistant Editor
Posted on December 18, 2002

Third Opinion was forged in the fires of evil, the embers of mediocrity and smoke of contempt for things that just weren't right. Its fire is fanned by the winds of things that make me shake my fist at the sky and shout, "Why have you forsaken me?"

In case you haven't noticed, it runs on the third Wednesday of every month. No, that was not planned, nor is that where the name comes from - it was just the way it went down. This year, there's been a lot of things that angered me. I nearly went over the edge a few times and had to be attached to a Lithium drip. But most things just held my attention for a few minutes and couldn't support a whole column ... until now. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the ones that should have been.

In July, Rep. James Traficant, D-Ohio, was removed from office by a House ethics committee because of a previous bribery, tax evasion and fraud conviction. How's that for the pot calling the kettle black? Senators and representatives are the moral benchmarks of our society, right?

And how about Attorney General John Ashcroft? While he hasn't shown excessive Janet Reno force (yet), he is involved in quite the cover-up. I'm not talking about dead interns in the park; I am talking about how he had Lady Justice covered because he felt "uncomfortable" giving press conferences in front of her exposed breast. Hasn't she had that boob exposed a long time without complaint? Next, Ashcroft will probably want to paint clothes on Botticelli's The Birth of Venus.

Speaking of cover-ups, someone needs to cover up the Sept. 11 memorial at Sans Souci Park. Because Lafayette had so much to do with the attacks, we should at least spell remembrance correctly. Note: It's not REMEMBERANCE as seen on said memorial.

Item! Hey, I am all for locking the terrorists up, but really! Let's stick to nut-job shoe bombers, not normal citizenry. Reading e-mails, tapping phones and doing bed checks is one thing (or three things, I am not sure), but has anyone else got a problem with Darpa? Check out Darpa (www.darpa.mil/iao) and tell me if the phraseology of some of their "programs" isn't straight out of 1984.

One "program" is something called Human Identification at a Distance. It uses a computer to identify "suspects" from a distance based on photographs. Do we really want a computer in charge of identifying us? Have any of our legislators seen Maximum Overdrive or Terminator 2: Judgment Day? Hello, putting the fate of our world in the clutches of computer, is not a good idea. When you get right down to it, if you look close enough, doesn't everyone look alike? How long will it be before the computers fail and Bob Barker gets pegged as Osama bin Laden? Hell, while writing this column my computer has crashed three, no, make that four times.

Even scarier is something called Genoa 2, which will help computers and humans think cognitively in real time. I don't even know what that means, but it sounds a lot like electrodes in my brain and microchips in my shoulder. What if I head into Arby's when they spark up the microwave and my microchip goes haywire sending me into a verse from Annie Get Your Gun?

Cable rates in this town are going up, up, up. Yes, that's right; Cox has raised their rates for the third time this year, bringing the rate to about 65 cents a channel or $39.30 a month for 60 channels. I started this half page of discontent when they removed Headline News and left us with the WB. And I was just about to break down and cash in the savings bond my aunt gave me for my birthday to subscribe. Now, that just won't afford it. If anyone cares, send me a dollar so I can get the good stuff coming through the wall. Ahhh, nothing quite like killing my IQ via the television.

Propane: to use or not to use? That is the question. The Cajundome Executive Director Greg Davis and Fire Chief Robert Benoit can't decide whether rock shows at the 'dome can use propane for special effects. In the meantime, Creed broke my heart and canceled a gig (read: sarcasm) and Davis wondered: Will the Cajundome ever rock again? The Daily Advertiser pontificated that it might be limited to a sports-only arena. Wow, I am so glad we have that big hunk of empty out there. Maybe they can lease it out for storage space. We can call it Uncle Greg's or Dome Storage, proceeds of which will benefit the lawsuit that a former Advertiser publisher slapped on the IceGators' owners. The reason being? Said publisher says the Gators cut a deal to give him moolah if he used the paper as a vehicle to make hockey work in South Louisiana. Now there's a journalistic precedent we can all strive for.