Missing Out
A recent programming switch leaves Lafayette out of the information loop.
Posted on July 17, 2002

Recently, I was eating breakfast while watching CNN Headline News. When I was done, I went into the kitchen to get a sip of water. That’s when it happened.

At first I thought Headline News was playing the theme song from Perfect Strangers because Bronson Pinchot had died. I wondered what could have taken one of our generation’s greatest actors in his prime? Then, it got worse — I realized Balki wasn’t dead and Perfect Strangers was on my television.

I sat for a while, basking in the glow of the Odd Couple revamp and wondered, “Where is my CNN? Where is my nonstop news? Where is my much-needed flow of information? How can I function without my news? If we get our war on, how am I to know?”

Turns out that on that day at 8:30 a.m. Cox Cable switched basic cable (see: free through the wall with my rent) Channel 10 from Headline News to the WB. If you are not familiar with the WB, don’t feel ashamed — it’s like a buffet of television gone wrong. It’s one Miller Boyett production after another. Consider this — until recently the network’s cornerstone was Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Now do you get the picture?

The switch resulted from a contract with CNN. It no longer wanted to be on the free cable service and wanted to be moved to standard service (see: drop $40 a month).

My main lament is not against Cox. Yeah, it did let my news be taken away in some of the most hairy times our civilization has seen, but when it comes down to it, what could they have done? CNN wants out of free-per-view and that is literally the bottom line. On the other hand, they did replace CNN with the WB. Couldn’t we have slowly been weaned off of CNN with another informational or educational network, like the Discovery Channel? It doesn’t have to be the Discovery Channel, it could be one of those weird spin-offs like Discovery Channel Wings. Hell, I would even settle for another PBS. You don’t have to change PBS’ programming, just run it twice.

Because now, instead of the information value of Headline News or two PBS stations, I have the information flow of the WB. In an effort to structure my life around adages, maybe I should take lemons and make lemonade. How’s this sound? Now Perfect Strangers can take the place of foreign relations pieces on CNN. As far as news on the American family, I have the Gilmore Girls. The latest infidelity scandals, you ask? Cheaters, I answer. How about that war on terror? As long as I’ve got my Smallville, I’m set.

I know what you’re thinking: Why don’t I quit complaining and just subscribe. Well, would you pay someone to insult your intelligence? Neither would I, as long as I have to shell out $40 a month to watch such enriching programs as MTV Cribs, E’s Wild on and The Naked Chef. If I could get only the stations I wanted for a smaller fee, then we would be in business.

While I am on this tangent, let me take another shot. This one is at the people of Lafayette. Why aren’t you as mad as I am? Shouldn’t there be protests in the streets? Where’s the candlelight vigils? What about the burnt effigies in front of Cox’s office? If you need directions, just call me … we’ll organize.

Maybe some of you are placated by the local and national news, but can they compare to Headline? Headline is prime for working class stiffs like us. Whenever I have a spare minute — be it 8:05 a.m., 11:15 a.m. or 7:30 p.m. — Headline is there with my news and without segments on how to make a summer spread.

Doesn’t anyone care that you can no longer get a serious news package without shelling out $40 a month? I am speaking to all the people out there who don’t make enough money to subscribe to basic and aren’t satisfied with the afternoon and evening “news.” The world we live in is getting more and more complicated by the day, and you need to know about it.

Let me put it like this — someone with standard service cable had to tell me that George W. Bush temporarily gave up the presidency to undergo his colonoscopy. Now, I can do without knowing every detail of Bush’s personal life, especially those dealing with his colon, but I do need to know when the leader of our country gives up his power to get his oil checked.

While a short lapse in the presidency is not cause for alarm, I do wonder what else will be missed as the Hub City tunes in to the misadventures of Balki Bartokomous and Cousin Larry.