The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at Turgid University. The element, tentatively named Administratium has no protons or electrons and, thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons and 111 assistant vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass number of 312. This 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused a reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which it does not actually decay but, instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass number actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to condense and concentrate at certain points, such as government agencies and universities, and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

Thomas G. Kyle, Journal of Irreproducible Results, 35, 1 (1990)