June 5, 2000
Writing is the willful act to release the unconscious onto paper - to
draw the images from vision into words. It is a gradual peeling away of
the surfaces that we like so much. It is both an exercise and a pleasure
to express thoughts into words.
June 6, 2000
When I write, it is almost like a stream of consciousness - where my
thoughts, garbled or clear, pour onto the page. All the things that I
think about - whether it's motivated by internal thoughts, or external
factors - finds its way into words and phrases.
Although I don't ever mention names, some of the pieces are definitely
dedicated to specific people, while others are my thoughts towards the
situations that are very much beyond my ken.
However obscure the references may be, I consider these to be the honest
reflections of myself about different relationships and situations.
Some of the more contemplative/darker pieces are often more personal
expressions of thoughts that run through my mind. I consider of of my
darker pieces to be as honest and simple as anything else I write - more
often than not, it's an outpouring of emotion that would otherwise cause
a mental implosion.
Unless asked by someone to explain the events that may lead up to some
of those pieces - and sometimes it's a struggle to determine how much to
reveal and how much is really too personal.
I have been told that there is a poem that is particularly dark (May 20)
and angry is a good poem. I think that one of the most important aspects
of my writing is that it evokes a response - usually an emotional one -
at the most basic levels - be it sadness, anger or any other emotion.
It's not even important that anyone reading the writings feels anything,
but that I can look back to these writings and clearly remember the
reasons why I write the things I do.
Each word is an aspect of myself that I commit to paper - something that
I consider to be permanent enough that I can look back on.
It used to be that only under times of great distress did I write; for
it served as an outlet of negative thoughts. But with the last few
months, it's been serving more as a record of my day-to-day thoughts -
both positive/happy thoughts, and otherwise.
When I write, it's always a quick jotting of notes, with few times for
revision and changes. I've written in the middle of a traffic jam, en
route driving, in the middle of night, there hasn't been a time that I
haven't written. Writing is one of the few outlets for suppressed
thoughts. It first became such when I realized that nobody paid
attention to my writings in a black steno book. Over ten years, I have
filled many books. Over the last three months, I've filled three
notebooks with my scribbles.
June 7, 2000
Perhaps these are journal entries, since I am almost constantly writing
but it will mainly relate to my writing efforts. when people ask why I
don't write/post more lighter poems - it is almost easier to draw upon a
well of darkness than it is to capture the sunlight. And in a land where
darkness reigns, only rarely can I write in a lighter vein. Most often,
I have to have spoken to the people that would cause me to contemplate
the lighter emotions. and so it is, that a lot of lighter poems are
telling glimpses of two fellow pups - the lives they live, the love they
share, and their hopes and dreams.
June 8, 2000
I was asked today, by a person that had read all of the poetry that I
had posted - how much of my early material was of an autobiographical
nature - and I responded - in every piece there is always something of
the writer. In there, there are more, and others - less. And always,
it's an honest response; the writings are a part of me - it captures the
ugliness I see as much as it does the happiness. Although people offer
their support for the melancholy that runs deep - it is something that
is inherent in the writer.
June 8, 2000 22.00 EDT
I was asked, why my writing appeared to carry so much emotion, yet in
life, I hung back. And I could not explain that once I saw the words,
the feeling was not within me anymore. And that this was the only way I
knew how, to maintain a tenuous grasp on a thread of sanity. Or that I
sought the cold because it was a barrier against all else.
And like the creature that I take my name, I am a loner at heart -
knowing myself to be such, I remain here.
In a world where "together" is the keyword, I defy the convention, to be
lonely. In an age where superficial appearances rule, I cloak myself
against the eyes.
June 9, 2000 01.00 EDT
The power of the written word both intrigues and frightens at the same
time - to have something in perpetuity, and the power that it
represents. And like a wound, it bleeds freely, unstoppable.
June 10, 2000 01.10 EDT
Often, we hear of the horrors of Internet relationships and how
deceptive they were - but I am not sure how the Internet affects these
relationships if at all; online relationships are almost akin to the
classical "pen pal" relationships - does a relationship become all the
more difficult to sustain if the two people are physically far apart?
June 10, 2000 12.20 EDT
As a means of communication, the Internet is both a barrier as well as a
bridge. The interaction that we engage in, on the Net, takes time away
from any social interactions that we might partake. Yet, it may
facilitate people who would otherwise never meet. As a tool, it is
impossible to measure the friendships formed.
June 10, 2000 14.40 EDT
Are writers as dark as their writings? Are we making assumptions that by
reading the writings, we might assume that they are a reflection of the
writer?
June 13, 2000 02.00 EDT
Writing is a part of my life that has managed to survive through the
years - never mind the other "hobbies" that I've taken up, writing
remains a central focus for my life. It provides a record of everything
- what I feel, what I think about...
June 17, 2000 02.15 EDT
If writing serves as a mechanism to express emotions- then, is it
effective?
June 17, 2000 15.10 EDT
I lament at the fragility of love, and the ease that we put it away. Our
hearts are so frail, that every time it breaks, we think that we would
never survive, but we live. The cliché of: that which does not kill us,
makes us stronger, is true. I suspect that there is an innocence to
"first love" that is lost in subsequent times. Each time we give a part
of ourselves to someone else, we are trusting that it will be guarded
and cherished. And each time a relationship ends, another chink of
armour is placed around the area that is our heart.
Is it a jaded view of the world? Where we are cautious because too many
times before, hurt has found a way around all the barriers erected -
around our lives, and around our feelings.
When people say: love makes you strong - they forget that love makes you
weak as well - the uncertainty, the tentativeness of finding out the
complementary side to a soul. With every person you meet, they see a
different side of your soul - and like a multi-faceted diamond, we see a
reflection of what's inside.
June 17, 2000 16.40 EDT
Is it sympathy, empathy, or envy I feel - to see the advent, then loss
of a relationship? Sympathy at the decisions they made? Empathy at the
pain and loss that they feel? Envy that they found each other - even if
it was only for a very short time?
To have found something so fundamental to life - the love of another,
and then to release it into the world - such are the sacrifices that we
make.
June 19, 2000 01.15 EDT
In a time and place where love is fleeting - how difficult it is, to
shed the cautiousness and venture into the sea of emotion. Where you can
only *hope* to find love. If you're not risking to play the game, you're
risking: never finding love.
June 22, 2000 20.20 EDT
In the age of electronic communication, where it, convenience, can bring
together people thousands of miles away, this convenience of "instant"
messengers can also make it equally easy to avoid talking to someone.
When you log on, the whole world knows, and when you leave, the sound
can travel a thousand miles. This ease of use and release in messaging
and communication servers are paralleled to the seeming ease we love -
to find someone, love, and then release the relationship as if it were
so much junk mail refuse.
June 24, 2000 19.00 EDT
Last nights discussion on soulmates, on previous lives, strikes a chord
- how do you know when you've found yourr soooulmate? The flippant
response may have been - when your soul knows. Perhaps it's when the
heart clenches at the loss of the other. Perhaps it's when the reason
you do things is for "us", not "you," not "me" but "us."
June 25, 2000 10.40 EDT
How do you know you can trust that feeling?
The question is: is this a gut feeling? Too often have people become
enamored with the concept of "falling in love" or in other words:
falling in love with the idea of "falling in love." I think that after
the first "haze" of excitement or euphoria... the mind and the heart
settles into whether it's a feeling that can be trusted or not.
June 26, 2000 01.45 EDT
The question is - where do feelings end and love begins? How do you know
what you are feeling is genuine? Is it the "real thing" and such is the
case that we are unsure - how much of this gut feeling do we trust? Why
are we dissuaded by the opinions of others? People often talk about the
"connection" that we feel - especially meeting someone - with the
possibilities of love.
June 27, 2000 01.15 EDT
If I was a person at the time of King Arthur and the Knights of the
Round Table - Sir Percival.
June 28, 2000 00.20 EDT
What happens when people make assumptions? they are very often WRONG!
What is it with women and the plethora of "drama" that seems to surface?
Although women are stereotyped as being very talkative, I think that
when it comes down to their own relationships - there is much less
communication than expected.
June 28, 2000 18.20 EDT
June 15, 2000
Dykes of Distance: Why can't lesbians just settle for the girl next door
- by Susan Goldberg.
I am only going to relate this to what I have seen - which is very
little, and to what has been told to me - which is also very little. So
this is my own view on such things. The Internet is a form of
communication that can never, Ever replace human contact. I don't care
how much "cyber" communication occurs, it is not the same as seeing
someone and looking into their eyes. The article discusses the apparent
trend(?) of gays and lesbians to engage in long- distance relationships
- some of them half way around the worldd..... Although I do not know of
"halfway around the world" couples...I know of relationships where one
of the parties may be a thousand or two thousand miles away... wait,
make that two and a half. Both times, the relationships have not
lasted... and people wonder why I can write such sad musings - it's with
an almost... parental (?) - I'm not sure if that's the right word, but a
much closer awareness of their relationship and progression.
It's almost like a sense of social blindness - unless something is
pointed out as different: i.e., you would never know that these two
people were together until it was pointed out to you. Is this what is
considered "social conditioning"? People automatically assume that
someone is heterosexual as opposed to anything else. People will ask
about significant others but almost automatically divide into: "married"
and "unmarried."
Does the pain lessen because it was a long distance relationship?
June 29, 2000 00.30 EDT
Distance is always a factor in love - for those who adhere to the saying
of distance makes the heart grow fonder - forget the caveat - only for a
short period of time.
July 1, 2000 01.40 EDT
Definition of a soulmate [as per a discussion with Ms SherriR27]
I would suggest that it's someone that knows and understands you better
than yourself. A case of more than halves of anything... More like a
rope or twine... where you really cannot find the beginning or the end
of a strand because you cannot pull them apart without everything being
separated.
People often say that you should never lie to yourself... but I think
that we know that this is not always true. I would think that a soulmate
is someone that would always be honest to you... not necessarily being
blunt but certainly never shy away from the times where you're lost in
the forest and they're seeing the trees.
To see it [soulmates] lends hope to all those that have yet to find such
love.
July 1, 2000 02.20 EDT
In a world where we are governed by cynicism - even love gains a
numerical value.
July 1, 2000 12.40 EDT
We are struggling for answers as quickly as the questions are being
asked. In this time, we are so doubtful of ever finding - love,
happiness, soulmates?? In a lifetime of days - how many people are
searching for something that appears to be just out of their reach?
July 2, 2000 02.20 EDT [as per a discussion with Ms Rebecca and Ms K]
Self-analysis/examination - help or hindrance?
what some view as a very strict need for self examination, others would
view as a need to understand the relationships that bind us to one
another.
And in a time where many people seemingly do things without any
forethought.. or hind thought for that matter - it is very rare that one
can actually find someone who self- acknowledges their willingness to
"think" and analyze decisions before they are made.
Too often, decisions are "on the go" and little time is allowed for
review - or even a breakdown of why the decision made was determined to
be the right one... or the correct one. Both not necessarily meaning the
same decision.
July 2, 2000 02.30 EDT
Life as a roller coaster
Roller coasters are the type of ride that will either leave you utterly
exhilarated, nauseuous with motion sickness, or a weird mixture of both.
July 2, 2000 10.30 EDT
The discussion on soulmates - is that a modern Symposium? [See Plato's
Symposium and Aristophane's description of soulmates:
http://www.ilt.columbia.
edu/text_version/academic/digitexts/plato/symposium/symposium.html ]
July 3, 2000 14.50 EDT
Destiny or Free Will? [as per a discussion with Ms K]
Do we as individuals have free will or are we living a life
pre-destined? I would argue that too often we will make
decisions/choices that certainly appear to follow a "pre-defined" route.
Destiny carries with it too much baggage for me to be fully comfortable
with the concept. It reminds me of religious teleology - complete with
an ultimate Watchmaker. I think that people make choices, and what
happens is a "cascade" effect - a triggering of decisions and responses
made by others, either environmental or on a human level.
According to the two schools of Chinese Philosophy, the origins of human
nature are either good or evil: Confucious suggested that human
nature/spirit began in a state of benevolence (or goodness), and only
through the "corrupting" experiences of living; while Man-tze (Mencius)
suggested that the spirit was born "malevolent" and only through
teaching and positive experiences do we become "good" or civilized.
I subscribe to the concept of tabula rasa which is that the human nature
is begins as an empty slate and all that we are exposed to are that
which shapes our personality and growth.
Miss K tells me that this is another aspect of my need for control
displaying itself... and I guess that it is. I think that human beings
in general, are too stubborn or perhaps too selfish to surrender to the
concept of destiny. :) Or perhaps, I don't want to have the
too-convenient excuse for the faults and mistakes that I make - I
myself, am responsibly for my own actions - there is no pre-destined
pattern that I am following blindly or even knowingly.
July 5, 2000 12.10 EDT
Independence and self-sufficiency
Two concepts that are not entirely the same nor entirely separate.
Self-sufficiency is defined by Merriam-Webster as: the quality or state
of being self-sufficient [self-sufficient: able to maintain oneself or
itself without outside aid : capable of providing for one's own needs].
One can be self-sufficient without being independent, and similarly,
independence does not imply self-sufficiency.
July 6, 2000 14.30 EDT
One of the most interesting relationships that we will ever have in this
life time is that with our parents. Certainly the media has portrayed
the child/parent relationship as everchanging and extremely complex.
Most people wonder at the relationship I have with my mother - it is
certainly not in the most traditional sense, the "typical"
mother/daughter relationship.
I will profess that I know naught of what constitutes the usual
mother/daughter relationship but will note that our relationship is
"civil." We are unfailingly polite with one another, but the
pre-supposed bond is not entirely there. When someone said that the
dreams of the parents live in the lives of their children, I suppose
that it might have been, but lost still.
July 8, 2000 02.00 EDT
What happens when we are told something that causes a pivotal turn in
perception - especially self-perception? Without going into even the
vaguest of details, I recieved information that has been an utter
bombshell in terms of gravity - a 90° turn in perception.
July 9, 2000 11.00 EDT
would it be believed that someone has not had a travel vacation for over
ten years - an even out of town trips were just for the day? would it be
believed that someone has missed all the academic milestones - that the
only ceremony attended was one in elemetary schoo - not high school, nor
college? Would it be believed that somone can still count all the trips
to a movie theatre on two hands - only to have fingers left over?
Would it be believed that one has not seen in real life what is writen
on paper? That so much living is done vicariously through others? That
so much excitement is felt for others - because there is none here. And
like the shadows, on ehears more, learns more, but lives naught. The
emptiness within absorbs all feelings - the joy of others, the
loneliness, the happiness that bubbles over from the words of another.
Sublimating into words, finding shelter on paper - where their
permanence is unsought but welcome. And what if one told you that
everything important in the teenage life - were missed - by omission,
what could be said?
July 10, 2000 00.15 EDT
This afternoon, I recieved a long distance call from Kennedy -
apparently she (and several others) were concerned that I had not been
online last night (Saturday). My modem is mal-functioning - ever since
Saturday afternoon - my excitement at getting a 'yes' for my May 2001
trip to Pasadena is matched by my frustrations at being unable to tell
anyone of this news.
But this is not my chiefest thought - I am humbled and amazed that for
one night - my absence is immediately noted, while in all the years
past, my non-presence in my social academics has only been noted by a
brief telephone call some months afterwards. Truly I am beyond humility
to try and understand my place in the great scheme of things - such that
one night is enough to cause concern - but I am extremely grateful for
this friendship - more than I will ever understand or could ever
explain.
People have often spoken of "pup" power of sorts but to hear is one
thing, and to experience is another.
On the 8th, I wrote of a change in perception. Today has given my
perceptions another twist; I don't think that I will be forgetting this
week anytime soon.
July 10, 2000 21.45 EDT
I made the statement today: women are trouble - beautiful to look at but
trouble nonetheless. In a time where the emphasis appears to be on the
fleetingness of time, people seem willing to engage in very fast/quick
relationships that both start and end quickly. I wonder if this is an
aspect of my own conservatism? where the strength lies in the quality of
the time spent together.
When people talk in donuts- that is, talking around a subject, it
frustrates me *g* There is being obscure and being vague but donuts are
painful. I can read between the lines well enough but it is tiring
trying to decipher the meanings of everything. What does this have to do
with the original question re: women are trouble? In all of the years
that I've seen relationships, I don't think that I've seen the
complexities of this year.
July 11, 2000 19.15 EDT
What is considered to be vicarious living? Jac commented that some of my
writings conveyed a sense of longing - how realistic can writing be when
the emotions are something that is conjured by the mind as opposed to
something that is experienced by the heart?
There is a varied response to what I can imagine and what people imagine
I am conveying. The hardest pomes/pieces of writing is/are the more
erotic/exotic (?) pomes - only a few have truly flowed quickly from my
pen - I think that 18 and the original sundae description were written
on the spur of the moment. Some of the other pomes were written by
request - usually on a suggestion by Stacy - or sometimes the hot
weather lent itself to lighter pomes.
July 11, 2000 23.40 EDT
It has been two months and one week since Miss Kennedy first asked me
questions regarding soulmates and my own views on reincarnation. Has
there been a change in this intervening time? I don't believe so -
simply because I know that unless I see proof contrary to my own views
on soulmates, I still like my theory of the train travel best.
[From Kennedy] That we are destined to find the same person over and
over again. And what if you miss them?
I don't think that it's always the same person, and during the same
lifetime. Perhaps I might consider the concept that every lifetime
lived, we are, hopefully, learning something new. If during this
learning cycle, we meet the person that we had loved previously - does
it mean that one could "fall in love" again with them - sure; but if we
never meet them during this lifetime, it doesn't preclude that we might
find love with someone else.
It's like riding a train - if we are lucky, walking amongst the rail
cars, you might find an old friend, sit down and have a long and happy
conversation. But sometimes you're not taking the 6.45 train and taking
later one, or earlier one - 7.15 -- so you might strike up a
conversation with an absolute stranger. Neither of these cases prevents
the passenger in question from having a fulfilling journey - it just
depends on where the conversation thread picks up from - from the
verrrry first time? or from last times discussion.
July 13, 2000 00.00 EDT
The ease of the flow of words for visceral writing is such that I want
the entire experience of reading the words to be evocative.
July 14, 2000 23.00 EDT
Have you ever had a conversation that lasted three hours and you didn't
know where the time went? Today I 'spoke' to Spot for three hours. Of
course, it didn't help that due to time differences and my modem
problems that the usual chat room time has not been possible.
July 15, 2000 01.30 EDT
Goggle, goggle. Let me try to wrap my mind around some ideas - what
influence do my writings imbue? What perceptions are imparted to the
readers by the writing? For there is power within a name and there is
power in the words - how is this balanced by the need to express things
in writing?
Is the ease of analysis of my writings making it easy to attribute to
various emotions and thoughts to the writer? What are people feeling? Is
the writing evoking any feeling?
July 15, 2000 15.15 EDT
Writing with impugnity. As a silent (or not so silent) observer, I can
write comments and speculate with relative impugnity. Since I am not
mentioning names or even specific time and places, people cannot really
accuse or even begin to guess at the events that I write about. For
example, 47a, 1-4 and 29 document thoughts on a relationship I saw
bloom, while 25, 56, and 59 tell the tstory of two other people. I think
that there may be only two or three other people in the world that know
of whom I write about in the first set of pomes. There are probably
another two people that know of the stories behind 25, 56 and 59.
Perhaps I am given the chance to observe more than most other people, or
perhaps I am wililng to write about the things that I see. Some parts
are vicarious living [the happier times], some parts are an emphatic
pain - perhaps it is because I watched the beginning and the end of
these relationships, I see their potential and I see their flaws. My
self-appointed role of observer forbids (?) me or inhibits me from
directly interfering.
July 15, 2000 18.50 EDT
The heart freezes over as the words washed against my ears.
July 16, 2000 00.20 EDT
Self-abdication - I am reminded that I have left the decisions beyond my
own control.
July 17, 2000 21.20 EDT
Where does on-line living and real life living end or begin? Are we
willing to do things online that we would never do in real life? Are
inhibitions set beside the CPU as we indulge ourselves online?
July 20, 2000 07.30 EDT
Searching for perfection - what is easy on the eyes may be hard on the
heart. And I would never allow the surface to detract from what is
beneath - only because appearances are decieving and in the world that
we live in - we place too much emphasis on the surface. What good is it
if the surface is honey but there is no substance - we cannot live on
emptiness forever.
July 22, 2000 11.00 EDT
Where does it begin? Why do I choose to write what I cannot see? Evoking
images that are not even real?
July 22, 2000 21.00 EDT
I can't drive very far without evoking pups *g* - we're in Dearborn,
Michigan tonight. I saw cars from Minnesota (10,000 lakes) and thought
of K, saw a car from Indiana and thought of Isurus, saw a car from
Louisiana (Sportsman's Paradise) and thought of TS, saw a car from
Illnois and thought of Chicago and Chi-pups... *g* This was in addition
to the abundance of Ohio plates - Miss Mel and Gaia-Mom as well as Miss
Shannon. We're quite close to the Airport and certainly the planes are
making me think of Pasadena - 284 days and counting.
July 23, 2000 00.25 EDT
Matchmaking is something that should be left in the last years of the
twentieth century. It is an ineffective and futile method of meeting
people - it's a case of "like meeting like." At least in familial
brackgrounds it is true. However, in my case, it was two dissimilar
people meeting - nothing worth getting excited about.
July 23, 2000 09.00 EDT
Left Dearborn, spent day along Grosse Points. Beautiful surroundings.
July 23, 2000 13.15 EDT
Got a Michigan State shirt as a gift... can't wear it. *+*;
July 23, 2000 16.00 EDT
Once again I am reminded why travelling with my parent is something I
should not willingly do. 4 PM, no lunch yet. Preparing to drive back to
T.O. She's snapped enough pictures to fill an album. My eyes are
squintly, I am hot and sweaty and my annoyance grows every moment. She
doesn't want to hear my complaints, I don't want to hear her period.
July 30, 2000 03.00 EDT
I gained three days of peace - and the price I have not yet paid.
Stupidly, I imagined a quiet return - I was wrong. I am sure that the
next month shall prove interesting. If I could, I would have given up
all of my plans and sent her on a year long trip but this merely
demonstrates my nïavete.
What am I left with? Every word cuts deeper than the sharpest blade -
leaving behind a lingering memory that never truly heals. Time does not
heal everything - or at least, twenty years is not enough.
Perhaps it is the unthinking ease that the words are uttered that stuns
me most. There isn nothing "encouraging" (?) in words that cut, attack,
and leave nothing behind. Certainly it is by her words that I have
learnt the power of mine - willing to commit to paper what I could never
say in life.
July 30, 2000 07.00 EDT
Lalalala... let me go back to my idiocy mode now - to play a duck and
let the words wash off of me as I burn inside from a twisting flame that
is unforgiving.
Were it possible, I would have torn and destroyed these buttons long ago
- for every time they are pushed, the reespooonse is the same - outwardly
nothing, inwardly - how far can you retreat before falling into a
precipice?
Red raw, I'm sure I've had enough salt poured over to sicken anyone.
Just like a sniper, the words would but do not kill. They are careful
not to maim.
August 5, 2000 10.30 EDT
Pit stop in NY State just before 15S - left home at 06.00 EDT.
August 5, 2000 12.00 EDT
Still on 15S - lunch break
Plato's Symposium talks about honor between lovers, and honor within
love. He spoke of an army of lovers that would be more efficient - due
to their efforts to show honor to their lovers - is honor still seen
amongst modern day lovers?
August 5, 2000 14.30 EDT
The hilly countryside of Pennsylvania are covered with rolling acres of
greenery - a veritable oasis of the many shades of green.
August 5, 2000 20.30 EDT
Baltimore - crab cakes at Uncle Leo's; walked along the Harbor, staying
at Hilton Alexandria Mark Centre [Virginia] and packed away the Penn
State pennant and U. Md. Med. Sch. polo shirt. Can't wear these.
August 6, 2000 11.15 EDT
Washington - saw Capitol Hill, nine different Smithsonian museums,
Lincoln Memorial, Jefferson Memorial, Vietnam and Korean War Memorials.
August 6, 2000 14.15 EDT
Back in Baltimore for a stopover at Otakon 2000
August 6, 2000 15.00 EDT
Spent the day in Washington DC and Baltimore - dinner last night at
Uncle Leo's with Joe and Henry - parents at Phillips. Went to
Smithsonian in the morning, lunch was crab cakes at Phillips. Crossing
back over to Maryland to Delaware to New Jersey.
August 7, 2000 01.30 EDT
Talked to Miss Ellie today. Paced around the telephone terminals for
five minutes before dialing the number. Miss Ellie sounds wonderful.
August 9, 2000 20.45 EDT
People ask: why do you persist in picking at the scabs until it bleeds
and I have no words for the morbid fascination I seem to hold - to
continue at peeling back the layers to expose the wound red raw just to
remind myself that I still feel something even if it hurts to remember.
Eccentric fascination - a love/hate relationship to pain. I tis the only
emotion that reminds me that I am still alive. That I am still surviving
even if I thought that I was already dead. That, and the feel of cold
iron against my neck tells me that I am here still.
August 11, 2000 23.45 EDT [summarizing a conversation between both TB
and the writer, as well as a conversation between K and the writer]
Relationship is a thirteen letter word that is in actuality, comprised
of fourteen letters: 5+5+4. They are: faith, trust and love. I view each
factor as part of a triskelion.
Which is the hardest to keep?
I think that in the beginning, love is the hardest to maintain but in
the long run, trust is the hardest to keep because too oftern are we
beset by self-doubt as well as external circumstances. Faith is
something that one tries to keep all throughout the relationship - faith
in self, other, and the collective we.
August 26, 2000 10.20 EDT
In this age of a "global village" - where there are more people on the
planet than ever before, one of the severest abuses that has been left
unchecked would be simple neglect.
September 6, 2000 13.35 EDT
Labor Day is past. I saw Highlander: End Game on Monday. September
really marks the beginning of another year for me - another time where
beginnings seem possible, and opportunities endless. There are 238 days
to Pasadena. :)
September 7, 2000 15.35 EDT
One rule I must never forget - NEVER EVER take personal calls on
business hours. Listening at someone who is talking at you is never fun.
But it becomes excessively unpleasant when you cannot respond nor can
you put down the call.
It's pretty sad that one must resort to a cheer up e-card to try to
erase that experience from one's mind. Unnecessary stress, unwanted
opinion.
Have you ever felt your heart clench and a sheet of ice that falls
across your back? It sends shivers down your spine and dampens all that
lies around you. Sometimes one must really question why one is still
here, taking the flack that one does. In fact, it's very silly to place
alot of expectations on something that might happen two-hundred and some
odd days in the future... but that's the goal. Keep calm, no stress, no
bickering for the next 230+ days. I'll just need to remember that this
is part of the price I am paying for three weeks of peace away from this
situation.
September 13, 2000 22.35 EDT
In loco parentis usually doesn't mean that you've got parental
responsibilities... even though, in times past that may have been the
case. Guardian status in this age means very little if all you're given
are the responsibilities without any support.
September 23, 2000 22.35 EDT
Random comment - non-fresh seafood leaves much to be desired. Including
the scent.
October 2, 2000 13.30 EDT
Subject: Peer Review - the bare facts...
[Excerpted from a posting to theBardicCircle]
Peer Review
Ummm... I do not profess to speak for the others on this list, nor do I
play a professor in real life... but for me, I have three people (max)
that will actually do a review of what I write (which is really a lot of
poetry -- some of which y'all have seen) and the prose descriptions
(like that Brownie dessert thing I posted).
Unlike y'all whom write stories, poetry is probably one of the areas of
writing that review doesn't change the content, style or words. When I
write (and it's only for me), whatever I write at the beginning is
usually still standing by the time I post it to a list, or show it to
someone, or even index it on my site. Rarely do I change the wording or
even usage (excluding typos).
Y'all are very correct in saying that y'all are hoping for more feedback
than just "'twas great" or "I liked it, more please." ... which is
sometimes what people will give you.
I can only speak from the feedback that I've written myself, and have
recieved for the things that I write... sometimes, in my own writings,
people are unable to distinguish whether I'm writing about something
that is very close to my heart, or whether it's a fictional account of
something.
For example, within some of my more contemplative pieces, the entire
mood is much much darker than the pieces that I write and post. For many
people, they are unwilling to ask whether your writing is a reflection
of personal experience.
Perhaps this is not an appropriate example, but I might point to stories
where the characters in question had been subjected to child abuse, or
sexual molestation -- traumas that occurs all too often unfortunately.
As writers, we are trying to draw the reader into the entire experience
- which MAY involve intense scenes of huurt///comfort - as readers (or
betas), how prepared are we to question whether these scenes are
accurate in the most clinical sense?
How willing are we, to question whether such a timeline could occur? Or
whether, the response described would actually happen?
I think that within Peer Review, we need to be prepared to ask these
questions - the questions, that one might (as a "normal" reader) be
willing to forego.
Finally, I note that on my own index, I make the following statement:
"Sometimes it's free verse, sometimes it's just one other person in the
Bar... and always, it's a part of the writer."
And...
"June 5, 2000
Writing is the willful act to release the unconscious onto paper - to
draw the images from vision into words. It is a gradual peeling away of
the surfaces that we like so much. It is both an exercise and a pleasure
to express thoughts into words."
October 7, 2000 11.30 EDT
SL Bowers has taken her skill and style of writing to a new level with
her orginal fiction as well as the TV-based fan-fiction.
She has pared the words to the extent that it is parsimonious in what
she does leave. And every word counts - she makes them resound in
importance. Like carving a sculpture from marble, Bowers wields her
words like a knife - cutting away at the tale until the final work of
art renders you breathless.
What may be considered the lush scenery is prevalent in Lucifer Rising.
Every word, every nuance of a gesture draws a picture of a city famed
for its rich cultures...
November 27, 2000 09.20 EDT
Filial loyalty is something that is very arbitrary in this world -
especially since the constraints of time, and effort are not always
working in tandem. I am not sure what a parent would hope to achieve by
pushing for a family gathering when the occasion is not theirs; it is
mine. What's the point of gathering if it's going to be a key factor in
contributing to unwanted stress?
It's not every day, or even every month where one is told that they are
not a filial grandchild because they haven't taken the opportunity to
visit said grandparent. >:( So far, on a weekly basis, one has been told
that... to culminate this morning the remark of:
P[arent]: You didn't call your grandmother back yesterday.
C[hild]: She called?
P: Yes, didn't [child #2] tell you?
C: No. This is the first time I've heard about this.
P: Well you should have called her...
From there the conversation degenerated.
December 04, 2000 13.01 EDT
Freedom to write
Living in North America, we (I) have enjoyed an unprecedented level of
freedom, to write, to express our thoughts and opinions, that many
others in this world will never be able to enjoy. By virtue of
circumstances, I, and some others, have been able to express these
thoughts on an electronic forum - the World Wide Web. The ease that we
provide our thoughts for public or private consumption, is matched only
by the ease of others to freely disregard our writings.
As readers and writers of the word, we exercise great freedoms in
determining what (if any) articles, we read. The recent "Jessie Lee"
fiasco that has involved several large internet mailing lists
illustrates the ease of electronic communication and the furor it can
cause. Most particularly, this person has chosen not only to spam the
recipients with the message of:
Hello dear (listname removed) members
My name is Jessie Lee and I am the owner of CALLIX. CALLIX is a list to
help reform lesbians. I know many of you are lesbians and I would like
to help you.
PLEASE LET ME HELP YOU!
You can subscribe by going to callix-subscribe@egroups.com
Please join.
Jessie Lee yours in God's glory
There is nothing that one can do about people carrying their own views
towards homosexuality. In fact, under the First Amendment of the US
Constitution, just as they are free to espouse their view towards any
issue, we, as fellow citizens, are free to ignore their views.
In terms of the efforts to "delesbianize" [remove all traces of a
same-sex relationship] various stories by different authors -- this is
not only offensive to the writers, but to the readers of these stories.
It is quite probable that the relationship is a cornerstone to the story
- and efforts to remove a cornerstone leeaveees the story a sham mockery
of its former self. Perhaps one could consider it as, having never seen
the Venus de Milo, and then arriving at the gallery to see the sculpture
not only covered from top to bottom in a concealing cloth, but to also
have both arms present.
The reason why authors will place disclaimers at the very top of the
story is to allow readers to exercise their own choice in determining
whether they wish to read the story or not. If readers do not wish to
read a story with something they consider to be objectionable, they are
exercising their own right to choose by choosing not to read the story.
Reading and the gifts of writing are two of the most personal choices,
we as readers and writers exercise. We may choose to read the writings
of another. We may choose to make available our own writings to others.
Others make the same choices as well - to read, or respond to the things
we write. At no time, should there be any coercion on the part of the
reader or the writer. If someone does not wish to read about lesbian
relationships, one can do so by not reading the stories. Within the
privacy of one's own domain, they can even "remove" the relationships
from the story -- but to then publicize these ... bastardized versions -
it takes a lot of chutzpah and gall to do that.
TBC...
December 13, 2000 10.31 EDT
Lay understanding of elections
Over the last five weeks (and more), much of the attention in the US
media has been focussed upon the electoral (and judicial) battle of the
resolution of the US Presidential election. I am not a constitutional
nor electoral law expert. I am merely a layperson - like so many other
American citizens, that has watched the events unfold.
Ballot counting
In all eventualities, when the original machine ballot count results in
an outcome with differences of mere hundredths of a percentage, there is
an automatic machine ballot recount. I find it very difficult to accept
that machine recounting is more accurate than that of humans. Let me
outline my arguments for this statement:
The ballot machine is designed by humans - and thus liable to human
error in the design process. As well, this machine was designed to read
full punchings on the ballots in question - partial (or hanging) chads,
pregnant chads, and other non-apparent differences would not be picked
up by the machine. In fact, these ballots would then be rejected and the
voter intent remaining unregistered.
A manual recount of the ballots - with a total of four pairs of eyes
reviewing the ballot would not only provide a better judge of the
accuracy of the punched chads, but as well - note any irregularities.
Instead of ballot punching, and an individual design of the Presidential
ballot for each county, I think that perhaps a specific and unique
ballot -- one that requires the voter to fill in the area marked for the
specific candidate (or else, connect the arrow).
The ballots could then be "read" by the use of an OCR scanner - similar
to the practice used by many colleges for the writing of multiple choice
exams.
In areas of ambiguity, the ballots would be scanned by human readers.
The decision that has come down from the USSC has not only given the
perception of disenfranchisement amongst many voters, but certainly
places the value of the exercising of the right to vote in a precarious
position.
December 28, 2000 00.30 EDT
It's a bitter feeling to know that the holidays pass by so quickly, yet
not fast enough. Not enough time to rest, but never fast enough to avoid
the struggles that are inherent to these days. Predictions were for the
tilt to occur on the 23rd, and so it did. And now that it is after the
holiday in question, it occurs once more. Solitude is a high price to
pay for the stress of surviving.
I am doubtful that there will ever be a time that these particular
holidays will not cause stress.
Sitting in a lightless room, sleeping a deathless dream, seeking the
unthinkable, wanting the undreamt.
Saturday, January 20, 2001 16.30 EST
Like a Sword of Damocles, the threats hang in the air - unspoken but
ever present. An omnimous sign of the past, present and future - a
silent remind of the power held against you - never hidden and never too
far away.
One day, the blade shall drop, and the tenous hold on reality shall be
cut once more - it's frayed edges giving way to a clean cut that severs
now from then.
Ever conscious of this sword, remaining vigilant to the fact that it
exists, that it's power grows as every day passes.
The silent ringing between teh ears, rebounds into emptiness - the
throbbing moan that fills the air as empty hands reached to grasp at
nothingness.
Sunday, January 28, 2001 10.45 EST
How ironic to wake up to a ranting mother - how hindsighted of me to
listen to the litany of mistakes of the last 20 years.
This early morning repetition gains nothing more than a speedy retreat
to a world where continuous motion is the norm.
To nag at a younger siblings, she trots my errors once more into the
limelight, once again feeling the need to warn by example - if you fail,
not only do you fail that one time but it comes indelibly etched on the
minds and memories of all within hearing range.
Everytime I think that I might have been able to leave behind the
unhappiness part, it is thrown once more into my face that not only will
I never able to surmount the past, but that it follows like a spume of
toxic waste wherever I go.
There is no encouragement, rather a continuous torrent of debasement.
All teh time I am reminded of my failings - this morning was just one
more time where the fees I pay at the gym are a point of contention -
more importantly - the fees I pay for a trainer. Two hours a week
training, plus twelve plus hours over seven days - perhaps this is not
enough...
Let me count the hours: 8.30-5 really means: 7.30-6 working hours...
There is a possible 45 hours for me to see my parent - this includes
times for meals and the evening hours. Obviously this is too much time,
I'll need to spend more time at the gym.
I wonder if the problem is because I came downstairs at 9.30 this
morning - obviously too late for the comfort of my parent. Less sleep
increases the chances of becoming ill. I will sleep earlier in the
evening and not at 12.00 AM. I want to minimize my exposure time to them
- out of sight, out of mind.
February 4, 2001 23.20 EDT
Discretion is the better sense of valour. To not say something that is
hurtful and serves no purpose other than to wound another takes more
strength that to just say something. What good does this knowledge serve
once it is known? None - it serves nothing but to cause hurt feelings -
is it a case of "I just thought that you should know..." ?
Honesty - isn't that one of the fundamentals in any relationship - to
have a open and honest dialogue with those closest to you?
February 24, 2001 10.30 EDT
The busy day of Saturday begins with unending noise tha tresounds
through my skull like a dying battle between the confusion outside and
the blessed silence within. Undaunting silence serves as a bitter remind
of the words that flow effortless around me. Oh but for a day of
silence! A time of rest!
April 02, 2001 00.30 EDT
Honesty and Communication within a Relationship
One word descriptor for sage advice to those in relationships that I
borrow from SX Meagher's title for Book 8 - Honesty. Be honest to
yourself, to those around you, and to the relationship. Open and
continued communication is key to maintaining a relationship. As
yourself, are you willing to put forth the effort, the trust, and the
time to not only "maintain" the relationship per se, but to allow for
progression in its development?
Be honest with yourself, look down the road a wee bit and answer the
question to yourself, do you see yourself continuing in this
relationship? Whare are you prepared to bring into this relationship -
and I speak not of material wealth - what are your hopes and dreams?
I urge for honesty and forthright dialogue between people. Be honest
with yourself, but be equally honest to them as well. A mutual sense of
respect, honesty, and understanding is not only fundamental to
maintaining and developing a relationship, but I think they remain key
to allowing a friendship to survive, even if the partnership dissolves.
Be honest and frank in your discussion; if you're not prepared for the
intensity of the relationship, then say so early on. As bad as you may
feel in needing to end a relationhip, it becomes even more painful when
you prolong it.
Don't avoid a discussion because it may cause pain. Trying to avoid the
big white elephant in the living room doesn't succeed for very long.
don't talk around a subject, talk about it, and talk through it.
April 06, 2001 09.30 EDT
Perceptions - those of Nations and Individuals
The latest diplomatic friction between the United States of America and
the People's Republic of China remains unresolved - at stake - the
freedom of the 24 crewmembers of the aircraft, the EP-3 surveillance
plane, and the future position of Chinese-US diplomatic, and more
importantly, trade relations.
As noted to me yesterday, the driving force behind Chinese-US relations,
is not a strategic partnership OR even strategic enemy relationship. It
is trade - the market that is the Chinese population, as yet "untapped"
by US companies. How does being "caught" in a position of "surveillance"
of your potential trading market add to your position as a major trade
partner? I believe that it does not.
Q In my region, we have strong economic interests in Asia as an export
market. Would you please comment on the balance that you think should be
struck between our strategic interests and our economic interests in
Asia, including China?
THE PRESIDENT: I believe that China ought to be a trading partner of
ours. I think it's in our economic interests to open up the Chinese
markets to U.S. products, to U.S. agricultural products. I not only
believe it's in our economic interest, I believe it's in our interest to
promote U.S. values.
And I believe the marketplace promotes values. When people get a taste
of freedom in the marketplace, they tend to demand other freedoms in
their societies. And so, I'm an advocate of China's entering into the
WTO and I'm hopeful that the current situation ends quickly and our
people come home.
China is a strategic partner, a strategic competitor. But that doesn't
mean we can't find areas in which we can partner. And the economy's a
place where we can partner. And we've got some differences with China,
long-term differences, spreading of weapons of mass destruction is an
issue that we need to work with the Chinese on, as well as other nations
in that part of the world.
Human rights is an issue, but I believe trade will encourage more
freedom, particularly when it comes to individual liberties. The
marketplace is -- the marketplace unleashes the opportunity for people
to make choices, and so I continue to push for trade with China, and --
http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2001/04/20010405-5.html
The continued declarations of the Bush administration that they were
engaged in a "routine" action...
THE PRESIDENT: Late Saturday night in Washington, Sunday morning in
China, a United States naval maritime patrol aircraft on a routine
surveillance mission in international airspace over the South China Sea
collided with one of two Chinese fighters that were shadowing our plane.
Both our aircraft and a Chinese aircraft were damaged in the collision.
Our aircraft made an emergency landing at an airfield on China's Hainan
Island.
We have been in contact with the Chinese government about this incident
since Saturday night. From our own information, we know that the United
States naval plane landed safely. Our embassy in Beijing has been told
by the Chinese government that all 24 crew members are safe.
Our priorities are the prompt and safe return of the crew, and the
return of the aircraft without further damaging or tampering. The first
step should be immediate access by our embassy personnel to our crew
members. I am troubled by the lack of a timely Chinese response to our
request for this access.
Our embassy officials are on the ground and prepared to visit the crew
and aircraft as soon as the Chinese government allows them to do so. And
I call on the Chinese government to grant this access promptly.
Failure of the Chinese government to react promptly to our request is
inconsistent with standard diplomatic practice, and with the expressed
desire of both our countries for better relations.
Finally, we have offered to provide search and rescue assistance to help
the Chinese government locate its missing aircraft and pilot. Our
military stands ready to help.
http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2001/04/20010402-2.html
Consider the following analogy...
If every nation was seen as a "child," each with their own backyard...
then certainly the USA has a very large backyard in which to play in. If
this child decides that their own yard is not enough to play in, and
proceeds to someone else's yard to play, that too, is the perogative of
said child. However, if this "someone else" keeps a dog within their own
yard, lined by a chain link fence, then, the actions of the child to
aggravate the dog with a stick; are indefensible. I would not be
surprised if the dog snapped back. The child running home to weep to
their parents that the "big bad dawg" bit them does not change the
events leading up to the confrontation.
What is determined to be "routine" by the US military establishment does
not suggest that their "routine" actions are seen as "routine" by other
nations. The insistence by the US government that the personnel and
plane be returned promptly is matched by the insistence of the Chinese
government that there be an explanation for these "routine" flights.
April 19, 2001 15.00 EDT
Schoolyard Violence...
Let me write from the perspective of the "generation" between... I
wasn't in high school when Columbine happened, but was actually studying
for a chemistry final on the day of. Scary isn't it... to remember what
you do on the day of a tragedy. I don't purport to know what the
"younger" generation is thinking... but I would offer this in
response...
As trite as the saying is: it does take a village to raise a child. It
takes all of society to raise the young people of our future. Don't
blame things on what Hollywood does, or what Washington does - neither
Hollywood, nor Washington sets the moral and ethical tones within the
homes of our families, our friends, and the next generation. Who sets
the tone? Each and every individual, be it man, woman, boy, or girl.
Everyone does.
When you have a generation of young people that are struggling without
guidance - and I'm not just talking about moral guidance - but even a
self-awareness of what is right and wrong, then you have the makings of
a generation of lost souls. I don't use that term - souls, lightly, nor
easily. Young people are the reflection of all that society has taught
them - rightly or wrongly, they embody the values that are espoused by
those around them.
Everytime I read about a school violence - be it in Colorado, or
California, or even Pennsylvania, I realize that the same words will be
spouted by the television heads - we have to have counsellors and people
in place to be aware... and all that... it's been three years since
Columbine, I haven't seen or heard much positive development in terms of
displaying greater leadership awareness towards our youth.
How does gun control (or more correctly, the lack thereof) help defuse
school/youth violence? How does having more and more security around the
school help defuse the situation? There are places in the American
nation where it would appear that schools and government is willing to
spend big bucks to put in a security system, but won't spend money to
develop youth programs...
I think that I look towards school violence as a challenge. It's not
just a challenge for teachers and students. It's a challenge for society
- to make a direct and concerted effort to pprovide not only guidance to
the youth of this country, but to provide them with role models. Don't
just preach non-violence and responsibility to them. Walk the walk, and
talk the talk. We, as society, need to remember that, the youth of today
and tomorrow, are our responsibility. We are responsible for their
upbringing. When violence happens within our schools, our homes, and our
towns, don't look far away for the mitigating factors, rather, look at
yourselves.
April 26, 2001 22.20 EDT
I knew ten months ago that this day would come. Her patience is endless.
My responsibilities endless as well.
How ironic... I can move out, but I would have to continue supporting
the household. Half of my salary would never belong to me. I'd be worse
off than that of a student. One day, I shall save up enough to escape
this deathless life. It is bitter knowledge I have gained. That my
faults would drive her to excess. That my failings reflect upon her, and
she escapes them through excess. That her excesses are my doings as
well. I would do well to remember that the failings of the father
reflect upon the son, and the failings of the son - they are the burdens
of the father.
There is no doctor/lawyer/architect/engineer that she can speak of to
her friends. This silence is my doing. I am the end and the beginning.
My failings. My silence. My pain. It is all within. Her laughter. Her
words. Not merited, but one day, I shall learn to ignore them. To forget
her anger, and forgive my pain.
This is the price I pay. An undying debt, where the interest builds
faster than your wildest dreams. Such a price. Just one more failing of
my own.
I wish I was a stone figure. Unyielding and uncaring of the weather. I
wish that I had a million days to live the million ways I am failing. I
wish for an end. If only I could just die a death to live a happy day.
If only's rule my life. If only "that" hadn't happened. If only I had
chosen another road. If only. If only I had enough to live on. If only.
She said - go ahead, and tell your friends what you do. Don't leave
anything out. Tell them how much you pay the household. Tell them. I
guess the question is, what would be left unsaid?
A stone wall, I wish to be a stone wall. To exist without thought.
April 27, 2001 06.30 EDT
Last night, I hear the most incredible news - I could move out! But I'd
still have to send half my paycheque home. Oh the bitter ironies! That
the one thing that remains a dim light of escape is linked to the one
thing that I shall forever be responsible for. Too ironic. How strategic
- I can now say that I can't f***ing affforddd to move out.
July 06, 2001 14.30 EDT
Words once said, cannot be undone. You cannot mend a broken mirror.
Often times, words are said, but are they heard? Do we hear them with
our hearts or with our minds? Do we accept them as valid points, or
dismiss them as untruths? Words are sharper than a blade. They flay,
they harm, they injure. When people demand an answer in the form of
words, when all we've heard is unending silence, are they prepared for
the knowledge that sometimes the best thing to say is: nothing?
Oftentimes it is not only the speaking of words that is of import, but
the actual *listening* that is even more crucial. What good are words if
they fall upon deaf ears? More importantly, do we respect the words that
we hear? Are we according the respect due to the speaker? Are we hearing
words, and then holding them in contempt because we cannot respect the
speaker of these words? Are we bringing in past history to hear present
words?
Everytime we hear something, do we think about our response before it's
made? In this age of fast electronic communication, are we responding
before we are thinking? These "e-words" cannot be retrieved once they
are sent. Just as it behooves us to think before we speak, do we forget
this mantra once we are seated at a computer? Are we forgetting that
communication involves listening/reading much more than it does
speaking/typing?
July 15, 2001 00.30 EDT
A year of time - life, death, is this really worth living?
Why am I struggling?
Every day, every day, I'm at the gym.
With the exception of the time I was in California there has not been
one week where I'm not there three, four, five, six times a week.
"If someone says, 'You've lost weight' then it's true."
It is with great bitterness that I have to hear this distinction every
day, every moment.
Let there never be a time where what I am seeking can be found. Great
disappointments I've obviously inflict upon those around me.
Another year has passed, another milestone in the evershrinking
countdown of when I "must" be wed. It gives no benefit to me to know
that I could have but circumstances would say otherwise.
She claims it's for my own good. But is it really? Her pride? For my
good? Her vainglory? For my good? Her hubris? For my good?
July 25, 2001 21.30 EDT
The delicious irony is almost enough to make you weep. The fact that
there is very little that would strike at the core of mockery and irony
better than the fact that time is fleeting.
There is hardly enough time to do everything that needs to be done
nevermind breathe. The relentless search for quietude ends once more in
futility. The more I hear the words, the more I withdraw. How far can a
Hermit crab go inside the shell? I wonder about that greatly. How far
should I isolate everything before there is nothing left.
Another day I shall chalk this to. Another lesson about the fact that
her presence makes my life a difficult one. The sins of the father are
visited upon the son. A lesson taken from Ibsen's A Doll's House. The
sins of the daughter are a burden about all lives. A lesson taken from a
collection of Russian Dolls.
August 13, 2001 21.00 EDT
It is like a bitterly sour taste left upon your tongue. Or finding that
you've bitten into rotten fruit, or that the beautiful rose revealed a
stinking stench. There is a sense of distaste that pervades everything.
Perhaps it's the inability to compromise that really strengthens the
distance of teh chasm that separates me and Her. That my plans should be
subservient to hers.
I wonder if there is such a thing as "mild anger" for there is no *real*
resolution, rather the cold knowledge that winning a battle does not
mean winning a war.
So even this happy weekend - one of *the* happiest in my memory - has
been tainted by the knowledge that there must always be a price paid for
the joy of a moment. And indeed I would pay it thrice for another
weekend like the one just past.
Like having a bit of a sweet, and then being forced to regurgitate it -
the taste of the sweet lingers, but it is fouled by the faint hint of
bile that now fills your mouth.
The whole concept of "bitter almonds" - looking good, but being
detrimental to your health. Its absolute insiduousness forces a
deliberate retreat from the world of living, forcing oneself to exist as
opposed to live.
Once more into the breach - only three and a half more months - it marks
another year of struggle - another battle with the demons within.
August 13, 2001 22.00 EDT
Acceptance
It is an ironic contrast that "Western" society prides itself on
"individualism" even as it pushes itself towards a conformist reality.
Many lament the the reality that that we/they are the product of mass
marketing even as they immerse themselves in the realism of "pop"
culture.
To speak of the acceptance of differences is inherently contrasted to
the reality that deviation from a standard norm is often given a
jaundiced eye.
Certainly, the North American concept of the "traditional" family
consisting of 2.5 kids, a mother, a father, and white picket fence - an
image seen so much on the television screen - was it ever real?
If orientation was a "choice" as soon would argue - who would
consciously make a choice to subject themselves to the ridicule 90%
would impart upon the 10%? Who would be willing to place upon themselves
a sign for others less accepting to use as a target?
If it is *not* a "choice" and thus not something most would "choose" for
themselves, then why is there no "acceptance" of the statement that this
is *not* a choice - there are no "switches" to shut down, nor are there
places to be "deprogrammed."
Either way, why is there no acceptance? Acceptance that "choice" may be
a fallable term - and that at least, the acceptance that bravery should
be applauded, as opposed to being condemned as idiocy.
Acceptance - sought but rarely given.
September 11, 2001 11.00 EDT
A flurry of bombings and hijackings across the Eastern seaboard of the
USA has left me reeling in the sheer lack of conscience terrorists
embody. The absolute evil that is perpuatrated for the sake of telling
the world their agenda astonishes me -- to draw attention to the state
of a people - there are some that are resorting to the killing of many
others?
September 11, 2001 20.30 EDT
The landscape of America was irrevocably changed when a series of
cowardly attacks of terrorism were perpetrated against New York City and
Washington, DC this morning.
The sudden and obvious absence of the World Trade Center from the
Manhatten skyline is paralleled by a loss in the national identity that
New York City embodies for America.
The loss of the Center and the devastation wrought against the American
people is but the tip of the iceberg -- the damage done to the psyche of
the people - within America and beyond - will not be fully measured
until some distant day in the future.
Even as the cloud of disbelief descends upon me, I can only hope that
many survivors are found. The fear that these terrorists hope to inflict
-- I pray that all of us as natives of this continent and "Americans" by
that definition -- I hope that this fear and loss of confidence -- is
transformed into resolve and determination.
There are many that have begun pointing fingers out towards those that
would inflict this grevious harm upon innocents, but rather than search
for people/governments/regimes to blame, extend that same hand in aid in
the search for survivors.
September 12, 2001 09.00 EDT
Although I cannot remember the first "Day of Infamy" -- I am certain,
that yesterday, and the days that will follow will be etched into the
memories of this generation. Along with the events of Oklahoma City,
Columbine, and those moments in time where everything stopped and all we
could do, was watch and then recoil in horror at the tragedy unfolding.
For those that appeared to be "celebrating" -- as shown on news footage
reels, I find it repugnant that even as we may not agree on our points
of view -- have we denigrated so far as to lack the most basic of human
emotions -- that of compassion? The loss of life will number into the
hundreds if not thousands due to the targets chosen. I cannot fathom,
nor shall I try to, how people can on one hand, speak of this as being
"deserved" against a people, and on the other hand, decry their own
situation as being "undeserved." For those that offered "congratulatory"
remarks to these terrorists -- I am left empty. I struggle to understand
-- for those people pictured on the news reeels as "dancing" or
"cheering" at these bombings and the carnage that has been inflicted
upon the people of New York City and Washington DC, and upon the people
of this continent -- how easy it seems for them to separate their own
lives from those here across the ocean.
The deplorable violence that has been ongoing in the Middle East -- more
than once, have news reporters shown images of throngs of crowds
mourning the death of one person. I have not seen footage of those "on
the other side" dancing in presumed joy. Was it because this was the
"Evil US" that there was this flurry of not only unseemly, but non-human
joy at another nations' grief?
Are we, as the human race, so isolated from one another that we cannot
even find within ourselves, the realization that what we saw on the
television screens and heard upon the radio waves, was the death of many
hundreds of people at that moment? I could not believe it during the
first instances of recieving this truly unwanted knowledge - but I
cannot deny the reality of the tragedy that has happened. I would never
wish this upon any other person, or nation, but to have it shown to the
world that there _are_ some people "out there" that do a dance of "joy"
upon the death of innoncents -- that is something that is just
flabberghasting.
I offer my prayers and thoughts to all of those struggling to make sense
of what has happened yesterday. To the families, friends, and coworkers
of those that were lost yesterday, they have my deepest sympathies and
sorrow.
September 15, 2001 21.00 EDT
The talk of a "war" on terrorism evokes more than a prolonged and multi-
faceted battle against a shadow figure. Too many are speaking of simply
aiming a nuclear weapon, or conventional bomb(s) at the region...
December 10, 2001 09.00 EDT
It is a certain type of person that does not recognize their own faults
and chooses to ignore those that would point out these problems. To try
and deflect this blame onto others is not a sign of good leadership, but
that of a poor and _insecure_ manager.
I find it extremely disturbing to know that someone serving in a
professional capacity - known in the industry for almost 30 years -- is
now being accused of incompetency and insubordination, not to mention
leaving the company "liable" to losses due to revenue loss and increased
expenditures.
These charges are not only baseless but seem to be empty of substance --
I find it difficult to believe that someone serving in a professional
capacity for the company would _not_ want to minimize costs - to
production/fabrication time as well as elsewhere...
January 01, 2002 08.30 EDT
How do you describe something that you have no words for? How do you
catch the ephemeral? Where do you start in a story that really has no
beginning and no real end?
When did you first know? What did you first do? Who did you first tell?
These are D's questions for personal identity. These are my questions
for life. March 24, 2001; April 8, 2001; May 3-14, 2001, August 11-12,
2001; September 29, 2001, December 29, 2001-January 6, 2002.
Every date is a milestone in a search for something that I didn't know
was missing.
July 27, 2002 12.40 EDT
Today is the fifth day of the World Youth Day 2002 gatherings currently
ongoing in Toronto. It will be capped by a 6-8 kilometre pedestrian
pilgrimmage from the downtown core to the second event site: Downsview
Park where a large stage has been set up for the Papal vigil tonight,
and the Papal mass tomorrow.
This gathering of the world's Roman Catholic youth from all corners of
the world, has done much to highlight the position that faith has to play
in our day to day lives.
During the week, it's been an intensely formed discussion about what would
constitute - "catholic youth" -- noting the subtle difference between
catholic with a small "c" and Catholic with the capital "c." There are
those that would suggest that the two meanings are interchangeable, but
reality tends to speak otherwise.
catholic: Of broad or liberal scope; comprehensive
and;
Catholic: Of or involving the Roman Catholic Church.
Of or relating to the universal Christian church.
Of or relating to the ancient undivided Christian church.
Of or relating to those churches that have claimed to be
representatives of the ancient undivided church.
Source: Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc.
Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc.
It seems that the Roman Catholic church has not lived up to the meaning
of "catholic" - being less than liberal and broad of scope, as the years
pass.
There are so many questions and challenges posed to the Church, yet there
appear to be few answers in coming. The gathering of youth that I witnessed
this week, was truly catholic in all meanings - the size and breadth of
lives being brought together for this historic moment, could not be
duplicated in any other forum.
It's not only a question of relevance, but reality as well. In a perfect
world, by observing the religious teachings of G-d's Word, we would be much
more happier and satisfied than what our reality presents with us.
Much of the many traditions and histories related to the Roman Catholic
Church which are aestheticallly pleasing to its adherents, are also the
boundaries that limit change from within. Is the worldly image of the
church so important that the hierarchy within is unable to accept
questions about its role? The fact that we (as Catholics) appear to be
bound by almost two thousand years of history decries the need for a
greater dialogue between "Church" and all its members.
Have we become so engrossed in the pomp and circumstance of church
proceedings as to blindly forget the true message of G-d's Word? To love
your fellow man as thyself. To love one another. Yet in this modern church,
or at least, the teachings espoused by so many, would see that simple message
of loving one another, become appended by limitations.
Is the Church so unsure of itself that it is not willing to have dialogue?
Prefering to be deliberately deaf to questions posed by others? Is the
collectively faith not sufficiently strong to allow for challenges to our
beliefs? As individuals Catholics, are we merely living the surface rules as
described in the Testaments? Or are we living its intent?
I wonder if this week could be seen as a renewal of faith in your "fellow
man" and in G-d, but not necessarily in the Church (as an institution).
The pledging of troth to the fundamental messages of love and peace have
not changed, but whether the actions of catholic-minded youth continue
within the boundaries of the Catholic church or beyond the Church, that
remains to be seen.
August 22, 2002 23.25 EDT
What's membership that must be conferred? Where's the distinction
between the have and have nots? And what's a list of those that are
"haves"? Is it complete? Is it the truth? Does it represent only a
slice in time where honour was found and given away? What do the
letters really mean? Is there a benefit that is not seen? Where
do you realize that there's a sense of loss. Moreover, for something
you never had. Do you aspire for the likes of others? Or are your
dreams, really your own?
(
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