Chapter 6: A New Quest

The crowd stood in shock. What WAS this new development?? They gaped at Mighty Eagle, now the Posby, and remained to stand in shock. It was quite a frightening ordeal. Mighty Eagle, now the Posby, writhed in agony on the ground when he realized that Posby's, because of their unique style of reproduction, did not require apparati. This pained him so, and he spent many a minute crying a river.

In fact, Mighty Eagle, now the Posby, DID cry a river. This hindered the group muchly, as the Dread Pirate Lobster was the only member of the crew who could function with water. However, after many years behind the diner/inn, she had lost her practice, and found it to be quite the struggle. The poor GaoCow floundered in the water, screaming incessantly "You fool! You pushed me!!!!!!!" and uttering other obscenities to ME, now the Posby, she flailed at the surface. The whorish rebel elf had quite the easiest time of the bunch, since she had had many underwater clients in her past. She helped keep the agitated GaoCow at the surface, and assisted the DPL in her efforts, as well. ME, now the Posby, bobbed very buoyantly to the surface, as Posby's are quite the buoyant bunch. Of course, that is because they are naturally born with the SCUBA capabilities, which ME used quite skillfully.

After the group finally got organized on the branch of a supple sapling, the DPL started to formulate a plan. "This is quite the sudden development!" They all whole-heartedly agreed. "We must go seek the advice of someone quite wise." "But who??" the curious whorish elf asked. The group sat, puzzling over their predicament. All except the Mighty Eagle, now the Posby, who still bobbed, moaning over his missing apparatus. The Dread Pirate Lobster thought very hard over the matter. "Hmm," she thought. The GaoCow thought very hard over the matter as well. "Hmm," she thought. The Whorish Rebel Elf did not think very hard over the matter. She was also sad about the Posby's missing apparatus. Oddly enough, it was not the Whorish Rebel Elf who thought of the plan, but the DPL!

"This is a very dire situation, and it calls for the most important of solutions. I first thought of councelling the Grand High Poobah of Lobsters, but I decided it was foolish- The Grand High Poobah, as Grand, high, and Poobah as he is, has little knowledge of cures for something such as this. SO!!!!!! I have decided, that the most beneficial solution to the problem is to seek out the wisest and most clever of ! them all- "We must seek out the Great Beater of the Aardvark."


Chapter 7: The Lands of Forever

The Posby cried out,"But how my dear friends? For the Great Beater of the Aardvark has been condemned - condemned to her very home!" At that the DPL gave a hearty chuckle. "Fear not young lads! This ole lobster is more than just a few claws and some antenna! Lobsters have always had strong secret powers - especially those of the Islands of Long." After this she lowered her voice and the company huddled around her to hear the following words: "Since the days of the Great Distruction, I have not been so powerful. Still, I will use what power that is left in me to complete a complex spell - the spell of lobster apparation."

A shiver went around the weary travelers at these words. Lobsters were mysterious creatures, with powers that they did not often reveal. The Dread Pirate Lobster was one of the most powerful of all. The spell of lobster apparation would transport the travelers across miles of desolation and destruction to the lands far far south - the Lands of Forever. After the incantation, the travelers would be instantly transported... but no one had ever made it back from the Lands of Forever and lived to tell the tale. It was from this strange and hostile land that the Beaters of the Aardvark had once appeared, and where the last one was condemned to live.

"Well," said the Posby/ME with courage, "It must be done." The company gathering in a circle around the DPL, who raised her claws to the full moon and starting chanting in the ancient Lobster speech. Harsh in points, soft and true in others, she continued to chant. The company started to notice that the world was melting away. Colors swirled around them, and Mighty Eagle was afraid. The GaoCow was afraid, but filled with a passion to dunk the evil chicken in hot oil, and this only thought kept her from screaming out loud. The dear Whorish Rebel Elf kept her cool - she had been in many a fix before with some fearful clients, and wasn't really afraid of much. This was lucky for her because the group began to spin so quickly that they all lost sense of time and place until all they all blacked out to the sound of the DPL voice, which seemed to have risen to a roar.

Suddenly, there was total silence. All were in a circle, but not by the riverside, as they had been before. Instead, they were surrounded by tall, gold, swaying grass that rose above their heads as they sat. The exhausted DPL collasped on the ground, and the WRE scrambled to give her a drink of water from her canteen. ME stood to look at the scenery, but was shocked to see that they didn't seem to be anywhere at all. They were in surrounded by hills of the same grass, for as far as the eye could see. It was a slightly surreal land - the grass swayed back and forth in the wind, but ME got the strange sensation that it was whispering to him. The sky was blue - but a different, purple sort of blue, and though it was quite light out there was no sun and only stars dotted the sky. Some sped across the horizon, while others stayed put as usual stars do, but neither in the usual summer or winter formation.&nbs! p; Three stars were so big that they actually seemed to be moons, and ME was terribly confused.

"Where in the chaw are we!" he demanded of the DPL, using a favorite expression of the Great Beater of the Aardvark. At that the grass seemed to whisper loudly, and the word chaw echoed aross the land. "Shhh quite your voice you spring chicken!" said the DPL. "We are in the Lands of Forever, and it is a strange place. It is best not to yell, for you will upset the land. It is not a friendly place, and though this grass may look harmless, if it decides you are not fit to walk in the Lands of Forever, you will quickly be exterminated."

The GaoCow looked quite worried and pawed the ground with a hoof. "We must find the Great Beater of the Aardvark and be rid of the place!" And as she said that, a figure appeared behind her.

"Welcome to my world... The Lands of Forever." said the Great Beater of the Aardvark, and the GaoCow jumped. It was a joyous reunion, for all the friends had not seen each other since the Great Distruction. The Beater's warrior appearance melted away and she hugged all her old friends, but did not recognize the odd looking creature, sniffling in the back.

"Who are you young one, who comes to my land with such a good creatures?" asked the Beater.

"Ahh, I once was a Mighty Eagle, young and proud. Now, look at me! I am but a Posby with no apparati. I came to seek your help, to guide my company of friends on a mission... to restore order to the camp of Point Counterpoint, and to stop Doc's evil doing, however I may go about that. I need to be a warrior, and I wish to be trained! Also, I must know - how did you appear to me on the beach, that day so long ago when I lived as an innocent bystander in a community of penguins and feathered friends. You defeated my enemy Shaw, though his evil and true name is Chaw, and introduced yourself to me."

The Beater looked tired, and her eyes were sad, but she smiled and said, "Ahh, the young warrior I so remember. Yes, your questions will be answered. But first, we must prepare a good diner for these guests! I have not had guests in these parts for many years."

With a flick of her hand, they saw a table in the grass, farther down the hill, covered in savory dishes. ME did not remember seeing it there before, but put this out of his mind and sat down with the others to drink deep from his goblet and talk of days when flowers covered the hills and feathered friends flew high in the sky. As they slowly finished eating and laughing, and the sky grew to be a deeper shade of blue, talk turned to the days which were approaching. The faces of the travelers grew more serious as talk began of Doc and his evil ways. ME impationtly awaited the answers to his questions.

The Beater started, "Yes, here in the Lands of Forever I have dwelled in solitude, save the grass and the stars. It is where my roots are yes, as all Beaters come from this land, but after many years I longed to see the faces of my dear friends again. Everyday I worked to make my powers stronger than even Doc could imagine. Soon, I was able to flee from the Lands for short instances, without arrousing the suspicion of Doc, who thinks me dead and powerless. He is not wise in the ways of Beaters, or even in his own power for he does not know the potentsy of his curse which he lay upon me so long ago. After many years, I gained enough power to fly to the lands of Mighty Eagle, where I hoped to find a warrior young and true, one who would stand up to face the Darkness consuming this land. I defeated the warrior Chaw, and met a Mighty creature, who I knew was the one who would be the warrior. I could not stay to explain this, but left him with my name, and knew the elders of his village would send him. Now, I will train you all to be warriors, to fight like the Great Beaters of yore. But this strange happening to the Mighty Eagle - why are you a Posby now?"

The GaoCow raised her voice. "There was once a day when I was young and happy. In the lands of Point Counterpoint I frolicked... and it was there that I met the chicken I still love today. Ahh but he was an evil, evil chicken. He turned on me, betrayed me, ran to Doc and cast me down with chicken pox! Alas how I hate him! So sexy and beautiful, but so heartless and cruel. As if the curse of the chicken pox was not enough, he convinced Doc to change innocent Mighty Eagle too! Now we are both cursed, and we shed many tears." The GaoCow buried her head in her hooves.

"This is terrible news!" cried the Beater. "I feel that the only way to defeat this evil is to continue on our mission, and we shall pray that once Doc's power has been overthrown, you will all return to your normal form! In the meantime, GaoCow you must eat plenty of chocolate to keep your energy up." With that she handed the GaoCow a magical tin full of chocolates of all different flavors.

"Things are so terribly sad now." said a tearful Whorish Rebel Elf. "What the chaw will become of us?"

"Tomorrow," said the Beater, "We will depart on a perilous trip to Mount Vesuvious. "

"Aye!" cried the DPR. "Do you plan to take the Path of Doom?"

"There is no otherway that I know of," said the Beater. "We could possibly travel underwater to the Mermaids for help, or find an alternative route through the forest - but the forest is filled with Fungi Men."

"NO!" shrieked the WRE. "Not the Fungi Men! They are evil, cruel creatures. I have had a few memorable dealings with them, and they are terrible creatures."

"Hmm, I just may have a route up my sleeve." said the DPL mysteriously. "I will tell you all tomorrow, but first I believe that we must sleep, or else we will not be able to survive tomorrow."

The GaoCow looked ready to collapse. Her sickness caused her much pain, but she suffered silently.

"Yes, that is a good idea. We can simply sleep in the grass, for it is as soft and light as sleeping upon a cloud. Sleep well my lovely guests!" said the Beater, and they lay down on the ground. The table seemed to have disappeared, but the grass was as soft as the Beater had said. The WRE fell asleep almost emmediatly, for she was quite exhausted from the whole ordeal. The GaoCow, tossed and turned, covered in most icky chicken pox, while the Dread Pirate Lobster slept soundly, determined to lead the group onward the next day, but Mighty Eagle was unable to sleep in his misery.

"Ahh how mournful I am! My poor apparati!" he said outloud, thinking the party was asleep. But we know that Beaters never really sleep. They drift in and out of conciousness, and to sleep they simply dream of days gone far away, but like a day dream. She heard these words and answered him, "You are a young spring chicken, Mighty Eagle, for you mourn an apparati but you cannot abide love, for your buddy icon is "Fuck love." You seem to have rabbit instincts."

"Well yes, that is true." said Mighty Eagle, "But I am still most unhappy at losing an apparati."

"That is understandable," said the Beater, "But fear not, we shall work tirelessly to overthrow Doc, or die trying. Once he is gone, you and the GaoCow will most certainly return to your usual form."

"Ahh how I hope!" said Mighty Eagle, and went to sleep, dreaming of days when he was still a young spring chicken and did not know of the harsh reality of life.


The Chapter Formerly Known As 8:

The Dread Pirate Lobster was the first to awaken that morning. The Beater soon followed and helped the DPL cook breakfast. She convinced her that seaweed pancakes weren't the best choice for everyone and created some lovely, energizing side dishes for the rest of the crew. The ME/Posby tossed and turned, murmuring, "apparatus, apparatus!" until he was woken up so the merry band could eat.

Once they were all refreshed they packed their light baggage and headed out. Over grass and, well, over grass -- since there wasn't much else in the Lands of Forever -- they trudged until they reached a very large gate. It was more of a gaping pit, especially in contrast to the golden grass. The large, gaping, ominous pit would've been quite easy enough to spot on its own, but GaoCow, being the quick one in the bunch, looked up and pointed at the flashing neon sign that said, "Path of Doom" and called out, "Hey look you guys, Path of Doom!" So the rest of the merry band smiled and nodded and patted her on the head to make her feel nice and boost her self esteem, and then they entered.

The walls dripped like candle wax, the ceiling seemed to groan in agony, the very moss whispered in eerie tones, "be careful! watch out! we've got you now..." Well, until they found the tape recorder marked "creepy backround murmers to be hidden in moss" and shut it off.

And then, it happened. Oh gosh, it was so terrible! So agonizing! The most horendous thing any of them had ever seen! To this day, mention this event to any of our heros, and a chill may still run up their spine. They were walking down the Path of Doom, and they hadn't gone more than 100 feet when a blinding light appeared from above. With a bit of cheesy theme music and a large "oof!" a man with plasic-like, slicked back hair, even more artificial looking teeth, a purple suit and a chartruse tie landed in the center of the pool of flouresence.

"Helllooooo and welcome to Path of Doom, the game show where you choose your fate!" he grinned. "What shall it be today folks? Death, death, death, bloody death, agonizing death, vast quantities of every flavor kool aid, or prolonged and torturous death?"

"Actually, could you just tell us how to find the land of PCP?" asked the Posby in a panicked tone. He was eager to avenge the evil bald menace and reclaim his apparatus.

"Ah, death by narcotics! Haven't gotten that one in nearly 30 years... kids these days..."

When the not-quite-as-jovial group explained their perdicament, the chartruse-tied man expressed his hunger for action and adventure and valliantly offered to come along and protect the group. After a large chorus of "no"s and a promise of more than a few sexual favors from the resident whore upon their return, the scary man agreed to stay and watch the fort. The group breathed a very very very large sigh of relief as they left the man behind, causing a few stalagtites to nip the end of the DLP's tail as they hurried on down the dark Path of Doom.


The ONE and ONLY Chapter 9: Doc's Hair and the History of the World

So as the gang progressed along the dark and dreary path in hopes that the land of Doc would lay beyond so they would be able to conquer all evil, we take a moment to reflect upon this odd gang and how they came to be. How is it that a Beater of Ardvarks, a Posby, a Lobster, a Cow, and an elfish creature find themselves deep underneath Alabama, headed north through Tennessee and Kentucky in order to reach Indiana? It seems like a strange situation indeed!

Back in the day there was chaos everywhere! There were too many different creatures to deal with: talking clams, spotted deer, magical pigs, humans confering no special traits or magical powers and who were actually not so special at all... and of course psycho GBYSO girls who beat people with blow dryers or ardvarks, giant lobsters with astounding apparational powers, posbies with astouding reproductive powers, elves who raided the brothels of New York, cows o' Gao, and oh! there was absolutely every sort of creature one could imagine! And of course, countries were impossible to govern. Creatures couldn't settle on a universal language, and purple plankton suffrage produced an absolute uproar since it was questionable of their physical capabilities of operating a voting booth. Anyhow, it was possible that the world and all forms of society would have self destructed had it not been the great NATHAN. (For Laura's reference: Nathan was last year's Log cabin counselour. He was a cross-dresser and a very intriguing person.)

Nathan emerged from the deep fields of Louisville, Kentucky and won fame by winning the Miss Pigtails Contest 5 years in a row. He called on all the creatures of the world and challenged them.

"CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?!" he asked. The creatures all looked at eachother astounded by this great man's philisophical abilities. And suddenly they decided to reform. Instantly there was peace every where and everyone lived in harmony with one another. And so the universe entered a golden age indeed.

It was in this time that a yound lad named Paulie was concieved when his parents (a red pony with fake eyelashes and a killer whale named Shaniqua) consummated their marriage. Young Paulie could not ask for a more privliged life. He mother often took him on rides on her back through the wild country side and his father (Shaniqua) brought him cascading through the waves on warm summer evenings. And it was thus that yound Paulie grew to have the finest head of hair on the planet. He had long, cascading golden locks of hair that everyone envied. Daily, he treated it was hot oil so that it would maintain its lustrous shine. His hair was Paulie's life, his pride, his EVERYTHING. Without his hair, Paulie didn't know what he would do.

Unfortunately, he would have to deal. One day, instead of his usual conditioning, Paulie grabbed by accident the bottle marked "Pony Eyelash Glue" (which was his mother's way of fermenting her eyelashes onto her face). When he lathered it onto his golden hair he felt an awful burning sensation. Within 5 minutes, he was bald. Yes, he was bald. Paulie took to his bed for 5 months. He felt as if his life was over. Without his hair, he was just bald. And with his baldness he was worthless. He was nothing. He was dead inside.

However, there was a glimmer of hope. He decided that since his life was ruined, he'd set out to ruin other people's lives. It started innocently enough. On the shores of Lake Dunmore he created PCP, a musical institution for aspiring yound musicians. In this period of Pax Americana, young musicians scrambled to be nurtured by Paulie's musical genius. But the camp was not enrichening, it was unbountiful, it was SLAVE LABOR! Daily the young musicians toiled endlessly with chores and mosquitos with meager nourishment and no candy. Paulie cackled maliciously as the young people suffered and went to his room to dream of the days when he had his golden hair. But he was awoken by laughter. How was this possible? Laughter? At Point Counterpoint? He peered out the window in shock as he saw a young cow floundering in the water and onlookers laughing merrily. This was impossible. He rubbed his small beady eyes and looked again. Even the cow in the water was laughing. This was preposterous! How could this be? His plan had backfired! He had created joy, not misery. And the awful thing about it was that he was still bald.

What ensued was a dark time in World History. The Great Destruction. Doc expelled the campers to different ends of the earth. Stripped them of their powers and forbade them to see eachother. They yearned for eachother in their hearts, but they could not for the power of Doc was upon them. It is because of this that these travelers now were set to ruin Doc. To get them back for their years of seperation for the misery that he had caused. Remembrance of this pain made the travelers blood boil with anger (on the top of the fact that Noah had lost his apparatus and the Gao Cow was covered with Pox). They felt vengeful and as they wearily passed into Tennesee they knew they were getting closer to their goal. But now they were about to discover why the Path of Doom was called tha path of DOOM........


Chapter 10: The Pitfalls of Being an Elf

As the quintet of exotic creatures continued on their journey down the path (the posby traveling backwards, as they didnt want to leave their backs vulnerable to the man in the purple suit), everything fell quiet. Their mouths were dry from the long journey and the hot, death-like air of the pit. Even the ceiling stopped groaning.

After many minutes or even hours of this silence, the rebel elf began to speak. "I don't know if any of you have noticed, but this adventure hasnt been too... well, adventurous so far. Sure, we killed a Chaw, were reunited with old friends, drowned in a river, fell into a pit, and were harrassed by a lunatic. not to mention that even viagra cant help M.E. now. But I still feel like theres something missing."

After a few more moments of silence, the lobster spoke in a quiet, almost mournful tone. "Aye, I know whatcha mean, lassie. When I was on the high seas, every day was a boatload of excitement. We didn't fear evil, we looked right in its face and gave it a good scalawag cackle. Now, I am beginning to feel that our mission is pointless."

The Gao Cow broke in "But you can't give up! Don't you see? Doc has made us live in fear for too long! The journey may be hard, and we may not see results immediatley, but we must not give up! The future of our world depends on it!"

"Dear Gao Cow," said the elf apologetically, "I'm sorry, but if there isnt any action here, I'm afraid I must..."

She was cut off by a booming growl which shook the ground and nearly knocked the dread pirate off of her peg legs.

"Is this the sort of adventure you're looking for?" said the Beater with a smirk.

The Posby scampered around a bend in the path. He quickly returned. "Come quick, guys! I found it!" The group followed the sexless one to a steaming cave, so small and low that it was almost a tunnel. "The noise came from this cave. The doorway is small, but the elf can make it."

"There is no way I'm going in there," replied the elf, crossing her arms.

"But its the quickest way to Mount Vesuvious!" pleaded the posby. "You go ahead, and see what you can find out, and then we'll meet you there as soon as we can get through the path of doom." The elf shook her head.

"How bout for 20 bucks?" suggested the Beater.

"I can't be bought off that easily!"

"C'mon, you've been paid to do stranger things!" pointed out the Gao Cow.

With a sigh, the elf agreed. She slowly put her feet one by one into the tunnel that she was sure would lead to her own death. "I think I'll need a push to get me on my way," she said hesitantly. The Gao Cow prepared her powerful hooves. "See you on the other side!" said the elf with forced enthusiasm. The Cow kicked, and off she went, down the dark, mysterious, and dank cave.


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