Chapter 1: Shaw is Bludgeoned

We approach the Mighty Eagle when is but a spring chicken, brash and foolhearty to the world. He enjoys throwing small penguins across the beach. He likes to ride his tricycle, but not on weekends. On weekends, he fantasizes about wild and exciting adventures, but knows that he can not truly live them, for Mighty Eagle is but a spring chicken.
So, instead of going out to throw the penguins one day, he goes spellunking instead. He likes caves, so spellunking sounded like fun. He put on his cardboard boots, and waddled to the caves. The caves were made of styrofoam and were fun to munch on. Munch munch munch, went Mighty Eagle, who was but a spring chicken. While he munched upon the cave, a shadow cast over Mighty Eagle, who was but a spring chicken. Startled, he turned to face what was casting a shadow over him.
He was quite surprised!!! There, on the beach, was a great creature whirling an aardvark above her head, ruthlessly beating down on Mighty Eagle's archenemy, Shaw. Many penguins came to watch. Mighty Eagle threw them. After the creature beat Shaw into a bloody pulp, she allowed Mighty Eagle to throw his carcuss. Mighty Eagle rejoiced. The creature approached him, and words she spoke:
"I am the one they call The Great Beater of the Aardvark."
"I am the one they call The Mighty Eagle, who is but a spring chicken."
"Nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you, too." replied the Beater, but as soon as those words were uttered from her lips, she vanished.

Chapter Two: The Meeting of the Elders
"What is the meaning of this?!" cried the many penguins together. Mighty Eagle was quite upset, the Great Beater he had just evaporated into thin air. He tromped to his village, and went to seek the wise elders, who were familiar with such matters. Alone on the rocky coast stood the hut of the elders. Mighty Eagle shook with fear a young spring chicken he was, and had never dared to look upon the wise elders. Alone they sat in the hut, making wise decisions for the colony. But this matter was of utmost importance. Mighty Eagle tiptoed up the rocky steps and knocked on the shabby door. "Enter." said an old, weary voice from within. Mighty Eagle slowly pushed open the door, and saw the elder penguins sitting in a circle, roasting marshmallows around a small campfire.
"Oh wise elders!" cried Mighty Eagle, falling on his knees. "I have come to seek your advice. Who is the one they call The Great Beater of the Ardvark?" Now it was the elders who gasped. One elder choked on his marshmallow. "The Great Beater of the Ardvark has not been seen in these parts for many years! Not since the evil one banished her to the Great Lands of the South! How do you know of this mighty warrior?"
"She appeared on the beach, to drive away the ArchEnemy Shaw." Noah replied. "But how? Why was she banished?"
The elders exchanged sorrowful glances. "Little Eagle, you are but a young spring chicken. Are your virgin ears able to understand the harsh realities of the world outside our village?"
"Yes. yes." said Mighty Eagle. "I know I must."
The wisest, oldest elder sighed. "Long ago, there was happiness in this land. The beaches were not so cold and rocky, the chicks played in meadows of flowers. The Lands of Point Counterpoint in the East yielded a bounty of food. Us of the feathers were happy. But then, like a swiftly spreading plague, a man by the name of Doc captured the lands for himself, to make a camp. The Great Beater, a child of the golden grassy plains of the south, was sent as prisoner of her own lands by the power of Doc. Others were banished to, some closer to us than others. One, the Dread Pirate Lobster, was sent to the islands of Long, and can be found by following the sea from our village west."
"Ahh such pain and suffering we children have long been naive too. Why did the Great Beater come to my lands to kill my arch enemy?"
"Most definately a sign." said one of the elders, and the others murmured in agreement.
"A sign for what?" said Mighty Eagle, still a young spring chicken and innocent.
"A sign that you must leave." said an irritable elder, who had a marshmallow stuck to his nose. Mighty Eagle, unfortunately, took it literally.
"Yes. I must go now, on a quest. I have spent my childhood a young spring chicken, but I now know that there are evils in the world. Evils that must be defeated. As the Beater of the Ardvark vanquished the ArchEnemy Shaw, so must I. I will search out the Dread Pirate Lobster, and start my journey. Though wind and snow may pelt me, though evil hunts me down, I will go. I do this for the young spring chickens and penguins all around me, they must live free. Yes, to the sea and to the west!"
With that, Mighty Eagle grabbed the elders bag of marshmallows and ran from the little hut on the rocks. Shaking their heads, the elders murmured, "What will become of this young eagle? So bold and fearless, he departs on his journey yet that very bravery may be his very bane."
Down at the rocky shore, Mighty Eagle set forth on his journey, with only a bag of marshmallows and a scribbled map. The frothy sea pitched him about on his raft, but he sailed on, to the Islands of Long.

Chapter Three: The Tides of Long
And so our great and Mighty Eagle eventually crashed ashore and hopped off, hoping he had hit the Islands of Long he was hoping for. He entered a sketchy diner called The Ship's Knees Inn (which is usually what one finds in costal towns, unless he or she has happened upon a scary upper-crust place called The Hamptons, but we shant go there now. er, no wait, St James lacks an adequite shore-front diner, but shhh). The M.E. chomped away happily on his marshmallows at the counter, soaking in the surroundings, trying to spot a giant lobster. Easier said than done. He tried to listen to the local's conversation, but it was so greatly splattered with "args," "shiver me timbers" "avast, ye swabbie!" and the trademark Islands of Long words like "dawg," "the 'Gisland" and "New Yowk", that it was quite impossible to decipher.
Finally the Mighty Eagle turned to the waitress with the long, tacky pink nails, overdone makeup, and frizzy hair, who called everyone "hon", and said to her very slowly and clearly (incase she really was as dense as she looked) "Dooo youuuu know where I can find the DREAD PIRATE LOBSTER?" The room went silent. One sea fellow gasped. His girlfriend let out a shriek and fainted. The good old waitress stood there, cracking her gum, one hand planted firmly on her hip, waiting for the commotion to die down.
"Yeh must be new heah. He's usually round back theah. Don't get yer nose clipped off." she stated in an unenthused fashion. She quickly returned to a plate of fries, a pickle, and a greek salad. The Mighty Eagle, our lovable spring chicken, thanked her and headed round back.
There she was, in all her glory. Well, actually, she had her antenna tangled in a net, but she quickly brushed it from her person as the Mighty Eagle rounded the corner.
"Ahoy! Well slap me around and call me Susan! If it isn't one of the feathers! Haven't seen the likes a you dudes in years! Why, not since Do-- well, lets not go there! How are ya? Mighty fine indeed, I hope!" she stated cheerfully, thumping her peg leg on the dock eagerly for emphasis of the important words.
And so it passed that the Mighty Eagle and the Dread Pirate Lobster became fast friends. The Mighty Eagle expressed his desire to help his new friend the Beater by defeating the maniacal Doc, in all his shiny-headed evilness.
"I'll help yeh all I can, laddie, as long as yeh promise me one thing," the Lobster said gravely, "If I go, the Cow goes."
"The who?"
"Arg, matey, the GaoCow. We must travel far to the field of corn, but fetch her we must, or I shant accompany you." So they agreed to stay overnight at the Lazy Clam Diner (which is an Inn, actually. Kind of like how the Ship's Knees Inn is a diner. Dosh garn those backward Islanders!)and then next morning the embarked on the next leg of their glorious journey, to the majestic Fields of Corn!

Chapter 4: Evil Chickens
So Mighty Eagle and the Dread Pirate Lobster set off into the unfamiliar territory of upstate New York in search of the DPL's old buddy GaoCow from the good ol' Lobsterfest and Beefest days. Unfortunately for, the GaoCow had unmercilessly been put out of action by and evil disease of chickens: El Poxo de Chickeno! Yes, it was true, the poor cow had the chicken pox.
How was this to be? Was it mere coincidence? Of course not!
Please reflect back to before the time before Mighty Eagle's quest, back in the wonder years when he was still a young spring chicken (Of course, he still was a young spring chicken, but not so young anymore and not so spring, but still nevertheless, young and spring). He was not the only young spring chicken in the land. There were indeed many others. One particular young spring chicken was admired by all the rest (although it is unknown why since he is obviously quite a loser who has his apparatus on backwards). He had golden cascading locks of gold and often got in trouble with the elder penguins for using language that was beyond his years and often indulged in chicken porn magazines in the wee hours of the morning. He greatly distressed the elder penguins and Mighty Eagle and the others were often encouraged to condemn his naughty behavior, but alas, Mighty Eagle had long revered this strange but supple creature.
Unfortunately though, it was this chicken (which ME had emulated) who had bought the curse of the pox upon the house of Cow. For he was evil chicken indeed. Long shunned from society because of his hormonal curse, this particular chicken had joined forces with the enemy. From his birth he heard tales of the evil Doc of Indiana (although he wasn't quite sure where exactly Indiana was) and because of his social backwardsness decided to join forces with him. When he discovered ME's quest, he quickly sent word to Doc, who in turn sent him instructions to him to curse ME's traveling companions.
And so it was thus that this particular chicken turned evil.
The Cow moaned and complained, but the Dread Pirate Lobser commanded, "Be strong my cow!" And since the cow greatly respected the DPL, she stopped moaning, lathered herself with calmine lotion, took an oatmeal bath, and joined the gang in search of the next member of their party: Jenny the Whorish Rebel Elf.
But of course, this twist of events did produce a new goal in their quest: To fry this evil chicken in a bath of hot oil so what would remain was a (still sexy, but indeed still fried) Chicken Nugget.

Chapter 5: Whores and Hobbitry
And so the jolly crew continued on their quest. Traveling on a path made of seaweed and wemrock, the three friends made their way through the New City of York. It was at this point in their journey that the Mighty Eagle realized that he hadnt eaten anything since finishing that bag of marshmallows several weeks earlier. The gao cow knew that all young chickens needed their nutrients, so they stopped at a small cafe. The eagle ordered red bull, and appeared to be revived. But he did have an odd feeling in his stomach that the mysterious liquid could not quench.
Over a river and through a tunnel, to the Sapling's house they went. The Dread Pirate Lobster rapped her hook three times on her door, as was customary, and the door soon swung open, revealing a small, funny-looking creature in a whorish hood. "Yes?" she answered hesitantly, not recognizing any of these strange and weary travelers. The Gao Cow stepped into the small hut of jujubees.
"Dear Elf, do you remember me? It is I, the Gao Cow." A look of amazment came over the elf. "Goodness! Could it possibly be you, my dear? I havent seen you in years, not since the great destruction. I... I thought you were dead."
"No, dearest whore, I am alive, although I have been ravaged by time and chicken pox. Now, we must embark on a new quest. Let me explain." And so doctor gao began to tell the story of the spring chicken who longed to become a mighty eagle, and the evil chicken, dripping of sex appeal and pure evil.
"And what has become of the one with the aardvark?" the sapling elf asked inquisitively.
"There has been no sight of her since that day. If only we could find her, I'm sure she would be able to join the noble cause of fighting the dreaded chicken nugget." The elf looked at the eagle again and thought that he probably had a good sized apparatus. "I will join your quest. Together, the elf, the cow, the lobster, the eagle and the beater, will conquer all evil, and bring peace back to pcp!"
Suddenly, a great quake shook the hut. The rumble appeared to be eminating from the belly of the eagle! "What's happening?!?" The eagle then was thrown into the air and thrust about by some invisible yet deadly force. And then he began to change. In the place of wings, arms and legs with webbed fingers and toes shot out from his torso. In the place of his beak grew a small button nose the shade of boisonberries. And then the antennas grew. They others gasped as they realized what they saw. He had become the posby.

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