The Job Interview: James T. Kirk
TOS Humor Category
Summary: I was looking for a job when I wrote this story, and had downloaded practice questions from the internet to help prepare for interviews. I couldn't help but wonder how my favorite fictional character would respond to some of the same questions.
The Job Interview: James T. Kirk
Summary: James T. Kirk on a 21st century job interview.
Interviewer: "Tell me about yourself."
Kirk, softly: "I'd rather talk about you."
Interviewer: "In instances where you are required to assert yourself, what
do you do to assert yourself effectively?"
Kirk: "Yell. I also occasionally shake, slap, or hit whoever isn't paying
attention. If none of that works, I have been known to shoot people." (A
pause) "But never my crew. I never shoot my crew."
Interviewer, incredulously: "Just so I'm crystal clear on this, you
actually shake, slap and hit your subordinates?"
Kirk: "Only when absolutely necessary. Usually yelling does the trick."
Interviewer: "How do you motivate your subordinates?"
Kirk: "Fear." (A pause, as if he's reconsidering his answer, then a sharp
nod) "Yes, definitely, fear."
Interviewer: "Give an example of how you've grown in your current
position."
Kirk: "Well..about a year after I took command, I had a little too much to
drink at the Science Lab Christmas Party and started chatting with this very
attractive psychiatrist. We flirted and danced. Nothing really came of it,
but I was extremely embarrassed afterwards, thinking that perhaps I had
damaged my command image. We had to work together on a mission later, and,
frankly, it was a little awkward.
About a year after that, I met a person who reminded me of someone I had
just left behind in a mirror universe...
(Looks off in the distance for a moment, smiling)
"..Anyway, I hit on her and we flirted on the bridge, in front of everyone.
And I was totally un-embarrassed about it. I think this proves I can grow
as a person.
(Pauses to give the interviewer "the look")
"Don't you?"
Interviewer, composing herself: "What do you think your supervisor would
say about your work?"
Kirk: "Nothing good. Komack hates my guts."
Interviewer, intrigued: "Why is that?"
Kirk: "Because he's a jackass."
Interviewer: "Can you possibly elaborate on that for me?"
Kirk, sighing: "He didn't want to see me get the Enterprise to begin with.
He has disliked me from the moment we met. There is nothing I can do to
change his opinion of me, and after he issued some really stupid orders that
nearly killed my First Officer, I stopped trying. And, not to be petty, but
his "Golden Boy" comments are really starting to annoy me."
Interviewer: "So, how do you deal with a hostile supervisor?"
Kirk, smiling: "I don't. Komack reports to Nogura."
Interviewer: "What is your biggest weakness?"
Kirk: Responds with blank stare.
Interviewer: "Tell me about a time you had a conflict with a co-worker and
how you handled it."
Kirk, pausing to think: "Well, there was this guy I went to the Academy
with. He was an impossible low-life who tormented me every chance he could.
How I handled it, um, let's see, I let my resentment fester for years, then
I beat the crap out of a replica of him. It made me feel a lot better, but
if I ever meet him in person again, I'm going to beat the crap out of him in
real life, too.
Interviewer, appalled: "That's terrible! You must have better conflict
resolution skills than that. Maybe you could approach him, talk things
over, try to make amends."
Kirk, levelly: "Maybe he could contract some exotic disease and suffer a
horrible, lingering death."
Interviewer: "Tell me how you would discipline an employee."
Kirk, smiling: "I'd rather show you."
Interviewer: "How would you handle an employee who disrupts a meeting?"
Kirk: "A simple 'Sit down, Mister' usually does the trick for me."
Interviewer: "Tell me about a situation where you were required to analyze
and solve a complex problem."
Kirk: "Well, in all honesty, I usually rely on my First Officer and Chief
Medical Officer for the analysis part.."
(A thoughtful pause)
"..although I was the one who figured out that the sun emits bright
light."
Interviewer, sighing: "Well, I think we're about finished up here..."
Kirk: "You don't have any other questions for me? Maybe something of a
more, say, interesting nature?"
Interviewer, flustered: "No, not really."
Kirk: "What a narrow world you live in."
Interviewer, sharply: "Do you have any questions for me, Mr. Kirk?"
Kirk: "What are you doing for dinner?"
FINIS