NYPD Blue Fanfiction

Vicki's Fanfic

Fare Thee Well My Bright Stars 

This fanfic is my thoughts on what happened after Andy stormed out at the end of “Two Clarks In A Bar.” 

 

In an attempt to unwind things have turned out so bad. Andy is locked into the mood of the moment. This morning he buried Danny, his partner of two years. This afternoon his new partner’s father almost blew the case they were working on. All he wanted was to toast his dead partner, relax with his squad and maybe get to know his new partner, John Clark Jr. And now Clark Sr. has spoiled it for Andy. Clark Sr. telling his son he won’t let Andy turn him into a drunk in front of everyone. Why do some men exalt in the past failures of other men? Andy’s containment may prove impossible.  

He stands outside the bar not sure what to do next. He starts to his car when he sees a liquor store. He walks into the store and purchases a pint of VO. He places his purchase in his jacket pocket and goes back to his car. He sits waiting for the rage to pass. Deep within him the sorrow lies. Together with the anger and blame, slowly he breaks down and cries. He cries for all of them. Andy Jr., Bobby, Sylvia and Danny. These are the people he would have died for. Grief…deeper than he ever imagined eats away at him from the inside. 

Regret for the past is a waste of spirit. That was a lesson he learned a long time ago. Still and all, a man can only take so much. He has had so much taken from him. He feels broken and unworthy of what little he has left. He feels he has reached the end of his rope. Slowly shoved to the edge.  

Andy: (To himself) I need a drink. 

He starts the car thinking where he can go. He wants to drink. He wants to be an anonymous face in a crowd. He wants to drink. The beast of anger has been unleashed. That anger has unearthed these fears and scars. A drink will put them to rest. He is in absolute self-destructive mode.  

Andy: (Wiping his eyes) First rule of the game is never shit where you live. Downtown sounds good.  

He pulls out of his parking spot. He wants it so bad he can almost taste it. He gets half way down the street when he has to jam on his brakes. Connie is standing in the middle of the street.  

Andy: Pishh, what the fuck!! (Rolling down his window) Get the hell out of my way!! 

Connie: Not a chance. 

Andy: What? 

Connie: You heard me. Not a chance. 

Andy: You got some balls, sister. 

Connie: Ball ain’t got anything to do with it. I know what you’re up to. 

Andy: Yeah, that right? 

Connie: Yeah, (moving closer to the car) Get out of the car. 

Andy: NO! Get out of the way or get your ass run over. 

Connie: Doubt it. (Now leaning on the hood of the car)  

Andy: Connie, move! 

Connie: Not gonna happen Andy. Either you get out of the car, or I get in and go with you. What’s it gonna be? 

He gives her his best bad ass look. She is not intimidated. It only makes her stand her ground. He closes his eyes, rubs his head and bites his bottom lip in an attempt to stop it from quivering. His head is aching as if something was pinching his brain. Connie dashes to the driver’s side window, leans in and grabs the keys. 

Connie: Now, get out or move over. 

Andy: Son of a bitch. (Letting out a large sigh and reluctantly sliding over) Son of a bitch. 

Connie: Where to? (As she drives down the street) 

Andy: (Looking at her then away) I don’t give a rat’s ass. 

Connie: Do you want to go home? Do you want to go to a meeting? 

Andy: No, I don’t want to go home and no, I don’t want to go to a meeting. What do you know about goin’ to a meeting anyways? What gives you the right to ask that type of question? I want a drink. I want to get shit-faced drunk. I want to forget everything and everyone. I want a drink. I want a drink. (Banging his fist on the dashboard) I WANT A DRINK!! 

Connie never takes her eyes off the road. She just keeps the car moving. Andy continues to bang the dashboard.  

Andy: (At the top of his lungs) Aughhhh!!!! 

He swings his elbow at the passenger side window and shatters the glass. Instinctively the tears quickly well up inside. He tries to hold them in but it does no good. He cries like never before.  

Connie: (To herself) HOLY SHIT! All right, just keep moving. Better he hurt himself this way. Maybe it’ll knock some sense into him. Oh, man, look at him…what a friggin’ mess.  

She looks for a quiet place to pull over. She finally finds a spot and pulls in. She has no idea of what to do or what to say to him. Connie feels his great sorrow, but doesn’t know how to fix it. Andy’s crying is now deep sobs. He is trying to catch his breath. She wants to reach over and hug him, but doesn’t think he’ll let her. So she decides to do the next best thing. She reaches for his hand and holds it. It’s all he needs. With her free hand, she feels around in her purse for some tissues. Her purse begins to slip off her lap. She tries to free her hand from Andy, but he won’t let go. Her purse spills to the floor along with all of its contents. She turns to look at him. He can’t look at her…just yet. Christ, he can’t even deal with his embarrassment. He is so ashamed of his behavior. He hates wearing his emotions on his sleeve. Connie, herself, begins to fill up.  

Because she knows deep inside of Andy there is a heart. He may protect it with a wall or barbed wire, but it is there. She is not the least bit frightened by the illusions of cynicism or toughness that he gives off. Connie knows within his guarded heart is a warmth and tenderness that he gives to a privileged few who are a part of his life. He lets go of her hand, slides over and hugs her. She welcomes this as progress. At the very least there is a feeling of heading in the right direction. 

Connie: That’s right Andy. Let it go. Let it out. 

Andy: (Through his sobs) I don’t want to burden you.  

Connie: I told you before; it’s not a burden when you are helping a friend. When your weight gets too heavy, it’s right and good to share it with a friend.  

Andy: (Pulling back to look at Connie) Thanks for being a friend and I’m sorry for snottin’ on your shoulder. 

He has managed to break the emotional tension of the moment. They both are able to crack a smile. She hands him some tissues and he wipes his eyes. She begins to pick up her belongings and puts them back in her purse. They sit in silence for a few minutes.  

Andy: Where the hell are we? 

Connie: (Looking for a street sign) Looks like 2^nd and Norris. 

Andy: We’re about five blocks from my place. 

Connie: Should I take you home? Or we could get something to eat or take a walk? 

Andy: No, I think I should go home. 

Connie: (Starting the car) Are you sure? I could go for something to eat. 

Andy: Yeah, it’s getting late. I should let John get goin’. (He thinks for a second) Ah, how about you get some take out and meet me back at the apartment?  

She can sense he really doesn’t want to be alone. Perhaps he is too afraid to say it, and this is his way of telling her.  

Connie: Yeah. sounds good. What do you feel like? 

Andy: Shit and shoved in it. (He cracks himself up) 

Connie: Ok, then, food wise, what do you feel like? 

Andy: Don’t matter. No shellfish. Maybe some pasta.  

Connie: Ok, I’ll be back in a bit.  

Andy: Good. 

He gets out of the car and leans in the broken window. 

Andy: If you can, could you pick up some large trash bags and I’ll tape this up and see about getting it fixed in the morning? 

Connie: No problem. Be right back. 

She watches him go into the building. She waits for a few minutes to make sure he doesn’t try and sneak out on her. Confident he won’t she pulls away to get some food. In her rear view mirror, she sees John Irvin exit the building. Now she is sure Andy won’t try anything. He is home with Theo and he won’t do anything to harm his son. She returns about half an hour later with the food and trash bags. Before going in she tapes up the window. She enters the building and looks for his apartment number. He buzzes her in. She has a chef salad for herself and some linguini with tomato sauce and sweet Italian sausage for Andy. The conversation is light and general over dinner. Andy makes a fresh pot of coffee while Connie does the dishes. They sit together in the living room. Words don’t come easy now---the pain of the moment has passed.  

Andy: Connie, I want to first apologize for my behavior earlier. 

Connie: Andy…. 

Andy: Let me finish. Second I want to thank you again for saving me from a horrible mistake. There’s no tellin’ what would have happened if I had kept going like I was.  

Connie: Andy, if you don’t mind me asking, what brought on that episode? Was it the funeral? Or was it Clark Sr.? 

Andy: I don’t know. I guess it was both. Clark Sr. certainly didn’t help with his attitude. I know I’m not perfect. And I know I can’t change the past. It pisses me off when people do that kind of shit. People just don’t realize how deep to the core they cut when they say things like that. First he butts his nose into our case and almost ruins it. Then he has the balls to come into our place and starts callin’ me a miserable drunk in front of everyone. What gives him the right to do that? Who the hell does he think he is? Circumstances may change, but the feelings are the same. 

Connie: I’m not sure I’m following you? 

Andy: All these people in my life who have been good…who have done good, have all been taken from me. I swear, sometimes I think God has it in for me. And me being the miserable piece of shit that I am, He leaves me here. (He gets up and starts to pace) God and His great plan. I got His great plan right here (grabbing his balls) I’m left here to carry on? I’ll tell you this; it’s not by faith…. its by will. 

He looks at her from the corner of his eye. He’s slightly embarrassed by his little rant. But if she wants to know, then he’ll tell her. She sits and watches him pace. She cannot begin to fathom the baggage he’s carrying around. She is about to find out. 

Andy: I thought my head was wrong and my heart was right. It makes no sense to me. 

Connie: Life has a funny way of doing this…common sense means nothing.  

Andy: Why? I’m waiting for an answer as to why He took them from me. Why He thought it would be right to interrupt what we had? I made a true friend in Bobby, and He took him from me. A man who took such good care of himself dies of some friggin blood infection…and me with my cancer…why not me? (Pointing to God) What? You afraid of me? Cause I’ll tell you what…. you better be.  

He rubs his head, takes a deep breath and let it out real slow. His emotions and memories are flooding his mind.  

Andy: Everybody loved him. I wanted and tried to be more like him. At a time I knew the real meaning of friendship…. gone. Will I ever find an answer as to why I had to lose this friend? 

His heart and mind are on a parallel course. Connie fully understands that he is venting his thoughts and emotions…nothing personal. 

Connie: You are not alone Andy. You have your son. You have your co-workers. You have me. I am your friend. I don’t mean to seem as if I am belittling your pain, but life just rearranges things and people. What you have to do now is sort out your mind and your heart. Friends and loved ones come in and out of our lives all the time. We cherish them while we have them. And yes it hurts like hell when they leave us. But we take what they give us and we pass it on. It’s up to us to keep their memories alive. 

Andy: (Whispering) Is that what I’m to hand my son when he asks about his mother? Sylvia, a good woman and mother. The good Lord sees fit to give her a child that will never know its mother’s love, that she had to leave so much behind? This is a woman who was so warm and so compassionate, who still had so much to offer this world.  

He sits down on the couch and stares at the floor. He continues in a whispered voice. He whispers because he’s afraid that if he speaks too loud, his heart will hear and break again. How he does appreciates those last few words she spoke to him…a walk in the park…for him it was like being touched without touching.  

Andy: From her love…she made me a better man. 

She slides over closer to him and rubs his shoulder. He looks over at her with a quivering lip. 

Andy: I don’t know…I guess today when I buried Danny…I thought I’d bury everyone else with him.  

Tonight when he talks of Danny, he is also talking about Andy Jr. In Andy’s eyes they were almost one and the same. He thought of them as boys. And now the chance to see them grow into men…gone.  

Andy: It seems only yesterday we talked. I wanted so desperately to save him so many times. Wanted to reach out my hand, wanted to come to his aid, to leave my selfishness behind. (He takes her hand into his, kisses it and gives it a pat.) This confused and lost kid falls into my life. I tried to help and do good for him…he never did anything to deserve dying like he did. He wanted peace from his pain and fears. His whole life he was afraid, it was like he was suffocating inside. The boy never had a chance at what we would call a normal state of being. I failed him and I failed myself. 

Connie: Sometimes we try but still can’t reach those we care most about.  

Andy: (Getting up and pacing again) I don’t know what went wrong. I tried to do something, but I took too long. And I regret that because I could have done better by him. He had so much to live for…. so much to let go of. I thought I gave it my all but he…he gave it whatever. It hurts doesn’t it? (Catching his reflection in the mirror) DOESN’T IT??? 

He turns and kicks the coffee table sending everything flying through the room. Connie flinches but he doesn’t see her. All he sees is himself in the mirror. He is not able to express himself about these young men without anger being the final result.  

Connie: He never gave you the chance to know the real Danny. Maybe another way to look at this is that he is free from all of his pain and free from his torments. He is at peace finally. 

Andy: I do realize how hard he tried, the risks he took. I understand because of the little bit of his life he shared with me. I wish he could hear me repent every angry word I said to him because I am to blame and I am sorry. 

He sits down next to her and closes his eyes. 

Andy: (To himself) God, I want you to tell my son…. I love him. He has a place in my heart no one will ever fill. (He looks over at Connie) They all left this world way too soon. It’s exactly what’s not supposed to happen. Parts of me are lost everywhere. I thought I was over that pain…I thought I’d dealt with that. (He gets up and walks to the window) How does one hold you if they are gone? Why does old pain draw fresh blood? 

Connie bows her head and tried to hide her tears. She gets up to get a tissue, which is on the other side of the room from Andy kicking the table.  

Andy: I’ve failed my friends. I’ve failed myself. (Through his tears) I’m gonna miss all of you for the rest of my life.  

She walks up behind him, places her hands on his shoulders and rests her head between his shoulder blades. He doesn’t even know she is there until she speaks. 

Connie: Isn’t there a future to dream about Andy? What about Theo?  

Andy: He’s the reason I get my ass outta bed every day. He’s….he’s my last ounce of faith. 

Connie: What do you want Andy? For you. For Theo. 

Andy: I want to have the things that mean the most not to be the things I miss. 

He turns to face her, taking her hands into his. 

Andy: Tell me there is more than this and that there won’t be more to pay. 

Connie: I can’t see tomorrow. We don’t have tomorrow. We only have today. And today hurts----bad. Maybe tomorrow it won’t hurt as bad. We’ll see. Know that if it does…. I am here.  

Andy: I’m just lookin’ for some justification. 

Connie: You have to make yourself free from blame or guilt or whatever it is you are feeling. I don’t mean to overstep my bounds here, but isn’t one of your “steps” to turn over your life and will to God?  

Andy: (Walking away from her) Yeah, right, God. I will never forgive God. I will never, ever again fall to my knees and beg His forgiveness for my bad judgments…unless He can tell me why. 

Connie: I don’t think you are going to get an answer on that tonight. (She thinks for a minute) Did you think you’d find the answer in a bottle tonight?  

Andy: Classic drunk that I am…. probably. 

He turns to look at her. It’s amazing to him how she finds him when he is most vulnerable. Just when he thinks he’s fallen beyond reach---there she is---again.  

Andy: You do see the hurtin’ in my heart. 

With her he couldn’t help but drop some of his emotional defenses. She is starting to fill the empty holes in his heart. He would usually keep his distance. But tonight, much of that distance is forgotten. 

Connie: Yes, Andy. I see it. I see it in your eyes. I see it in the way you put up barricades around yourself. I see it, and can’t help but wonder why you won’t let someone…. let me…help you. You can’t let wasted opportunities and regrets rule your life. Freedom comes when you learn to let go.  

Andy: (With a tear falling down his face) Life is life at my expense. 

Connie: That’s right Andy. You got too much to live for and too much to do. Drop some of that baggage or at the very least…let someone help you. Otherwise, you are gonna miss a thousand miles of road you should have seen. You can’t afford to do that with Theo. These feelings of grief and pain will pass. Don’t get in your own way. 

He reaches out to her. He feels weak and tired. She lets him fall into her embrace and cry. 

Connie: (Whispering to him) Let it go. Let the past go. It’s not a sin---you won’t be disrespecting them…. you’ll be setting them free…along with yourself.  

For the first time, he can see with clear eyesight. He can see mistakes he has made. Sins long past being forgiven. These were beyond his control. For what is done is done. So, he lets it go. He leaned on her and felt relieved. They hold each other for a very long time. 

Andy: I’m not lookin’ to you to be my crutch. I just want…need someone to talk to. I just want…need something to hold onto.  

No wonder peace can be so hard to find. Once he had spoken those words to her, admitted he does need, it was only then did he know peace. She hugged him tighter. It took all the strength she had. Sometimes, you say it best when you say nothing at all. It is good sometimes to open up your heart and let a little hurt enter in. It proves you’re still alive. If nothing else it says, clear as hell, uncomfortable as diving into a cold pool, I AM HERE. However rancid you feel…YOU FEEL. 

Connie: You have been so brave and so strong for so long. Tonight, you’ve been broken and hurt----show me somebody who isn’t. You are human Andy. 

She takes his hand and leads him to the couch. Both of them emotionally wrung out. Connie takes a few minutes to replace the coffee table and its belongings. She gets them a fresh mug of coffee and sits down next to him. 

Andy: Thanks. 

Connie: You’re welcome. How you doin’? 

Andy: (Rubbing his head, turning to look at her) Better. 

Connie: Good. 

Andy: Connie, I know it’s late, but do you think you could hang out here for a bit? 

Connie: Sure, I’m 3p-11p tomorrow. 

Andy: Yeah, how’s that? 

Connie: I have a doctor’s appointment. 

Andy: Everything all right? 

Connie: Yeah, yearly check-up. Woman stuff. 

Andy: Got it…got it. 

Connie: (Looking around the apartment) Is that Theo? 

She gets up and picks up a picture from the bookcase.

Connie: Oh, Andy. He’s beautiful. 

Andy: Yeah, lucky he got his looks and his brains from his mother.  

Connie: Andy, really. He’s got your eyes. 

Andy: Yeah, you think so? Funny what other people see.  

Connie: Yeah, it is.  

She admired him from a distance…noticing more than most with an all too innocent glance. Knowing what she knows about him now, only reaffirmed her first impression; deep down he is a good man. If only he could see that. She returns to the couch and sits down next to him. She places her hand on his knee and gives it a squeeze. It was a gesture of innocent intimacy.  

Andy: Thanks for stayin’ I’m still feelin’ a little…. umm unsettled. 

Connie: That’s normal. You…we’ve been through a lot tonight. Do you want to talk some more? 

Andy: No. I just want to sit and be still for a while. 

What little conversation they had was light and general. There was no awkwardness in their silence. Although the hour was late, she would have stayed till daybreak if he wanted her to. Around 2:00 a.m. he felt safe enough to be left alone. She helped him clean up while they waited for a taxi to take her home. Andy has a friend who is retired off the job who drives a taxi at night for some extra cash till his full pension kicks in. He wouldn’t have trusted her to just anyone to get her home. Andy made arrangements with his friend Larry to drive Connie to her car and then follow her to make sure she gets home safely. They wait by the window for Larry to pull up. 

Andy: Looks like a clear night tonight. 

Connie: Yeah, 

Andy: Tired? 

Connie: (Smiling at him) Yeah, a little. I’ll sleep without rockin’ tonight. How bout you? 

Andy: Same here. 

Larry pulls up and flashes his light so Andy knows its him. Andy walks Connie to the door.  

Andy: I don’t know what else to say except thanks. 

Connie: Not a problem, Andy. Anytime, you know that now, right? 

Andy: Yep. Good night Connie. 

Connie: (Reaching out to give him a hug) Good night Andy. 

He returns her hug and holds her tight. He watches her as she walks down the hall. He locks up and goes to the window. He sees Larry waiting outside the taxi and opens the door for her. Larry gives Andy a wave and drives off.  

As he turns off the hall light he sees his jacket and remembers he still has a bottle in the pocket. He gets the bottle and looks at it for a minute. He goes into the kitchen and gets out four small glasses, one for each of them. Andy Jr., Bobby, Sylvia and Danny. He pours some whiskey into each glass. 

Andy: (As he pours each one down the drain) Good-bye my friends. I won’t go back. The past is with you. You keep the pain. (As he pours the remaining whiskey down the drain) 

He returns to the window to turn off the lamp and takes one more look at the sky. 

Andy: Sleep in the stars with no worries at all about me. 

He turns off the remaining lights and makes his way to the bathroom. He felt good knowing there would be no more looking back over his shoulder. He realized how much he missed out on, living in fear of a normal life. That was due to his new friend, Connie McDowell. He was sorry he wouldn’t see her tomorrow. He tried to think of something nice to do for her.  

Andy: (To himself) Flowers? No. Candy? I don’t think I’ve ever seen her eat candy. Gift certificate? (sighing) Sipowicz, you can be such an asshole sometimes.  

He decided the best gift he could give her was to be there for her if she ever needed him. Connie has set up a place in his thoughts, moved in and made his thinking crowded. And you know what? He didn’t mind at all. He got into bed and kissed Theo good night. 

 

Tonight, he is at peace not only with himself, but also with his past. 

 

 

Now a life of leisure and a pirate’s treasure

Don’t make much for tragedy

But it’s a sad man my friend who’s livin’ in his own skin

And can’t stand the company

Every fool’s got a reason to feelin’ sorry for himself

And turn his heart to stone

Tonight this fool’s half way to heaven and just a mile outta hell

And I feel like I’m comin’ home 

These are better days. 

 

“Better Days”

Bruce Springsteen