As I opened my eyes, I could feel the sunlight striking my face. The trees were lush and green as early spring usually leaves them, but the canopy was thin enough to let a ray of sunlight or two peek in.
I stood up, holding my head where the bruise felt swollen. I became aware of three figures on horses on the ground over thirty feet below. One was my half-brother Sparrow. He was supposed to be a fox anthromorph, but had an unfortunate accident several years before involving nitroglycerin and cough syrup. The result of that particular catastrophe transformed him into a muscular man with shoulder-length blond hair, a beard and an attitude that threatened to tip Coalescent Island onto one side should he decide to stand on one end.
At his side was a rather skinny fellow with long, curly black hair and beard named Kanys Darkfurr. What one would not suspect about this guy was that his human face was merely a guise, as he was a werewolf on his father’s side. He just grinned up at me with a cocky smile that made me wish I could smack him right in the face and take his cocky smile for future use.
The third one I was bit surprised to see. His name was Rage Decay, and he was a mute. He was sort of skinny too, though not so much so as Kanys. He had platinum blond hair and a smile that was downright creepy. How he became mixed up with Sparrow and Kanys I have no idea. It was especially ironic considering the fact that Sparrow had spent the better part of three years trying to kill him.
“Hello,” I said to them. “I appear to be stuck up here. Would it be too much trouble to get me down?”
I knew they had no intention of getting me down, but I wanted to make Sparrow talk. “Oh you’ll come down,” he said. “Have you gotten a good look at your situation?”
I looked around for dramatic effect. I appeared to be in some kind of cage, the floor of which was held up by three ropes attached horizontally to two trees. Dangling from another branch was a pendulum, slowly cutting the ropes as it swung back and forth. On the ground were many spiky, sharp, and otherwise pointy objects. Yep. It looked about right.
“You know I could just hold on to the bars of my cage when the bottom falls out,” I called.
Sparrow laughed humorlessly. “That’s why we soaked them in grease. You won’t be holding on to anything for very long.”
“I’ve seen better plans,” I continued. “Why didn’t you just shoot me?”
“I could have,” admitted Sparrow, “but I thought I’d leave you to know you’ve been beaten. Now if you’ll excuse us, we have a pay to collect.”
With that, the three rode away, leaving me to contemplate my own death. It didn’t take long. Bottomless cage. Pointy things. I concluded that I was definitely about to die.
“Hey buddy! What are you doin’ up there?” a voice called.
“Who said that?” I asked, peering down to the ground. All I saw was some mongrel dog sitting on a tree stump, possibly waiting to eat me or my socks and underwear.
“Over here,” the dog said. “I’m a talking dog.”
“A talking dog?” I asked.
“That’s what I said, ya dumbshit,” the talking dog said, “and you didn’t answer my question. What the hell are you doin’ up there, buddy?”
“My name’s not Buddy, jack,” I said irritably. “It’s Ravene.”
“My name’s not Jack, buddy,” the talking dog said. “Now tell me how you got up there before I decide to come up there and tinkle on your brand new leather boots!”
“I’m waiting to die, apparently,” I said. “Do you think you could get me out of here?”
“I’m a talking dog,” the talking dog said. “I’m a dog that talks. That’s about it. I don’t break glass when barking, I don’t piss acid, and I don’t run very fast. However, I will sniff your crotch if you happen to swing on that side of the fence.”
“Uh… no, thank you,” I said. “Listen, since I’m about to die, could you carry my story with you? Let people know what happened to me?”
“Yeah, I suppose,” the talking dog said.
“All right.” I picked up a little box that had fallen out of my shirt pocket. “You want a chocolate? My step-papa always said, ‘Life is like a box of chocolates…’ At that point, I smacked him and told him to shut up, so he kicked my ass.”
“Just tell me your goddamn story,” the talking dog barked. “I don’t have all day!”
I sighed. “Fine.” And then I began my story.
It was a dark and stormy night, though I’ve yet to see a night that wasn’t dark. Anyhow, the next day was warm and with no sign of clouds. I rode into Frontier Village in a good mood for a change. I had just gotten laid the night before with two very lovely women. Two! Every man’s dream. In fact, they told me I was so good that there was no charge! Needless to say, I was a bit cheerful.
Frontier Village was in the outer regions of Coalescent Island, in the Dusty Desert. Luckily, a river ran through this particular part, so a village was made possible. My motive was simple: get as far away from Sparrow Anthrofoxe as I could. He had been after me for years, ever since we reunited in some other place. For some reason, he thought it was my fault that he was a human.
I suppose that reasoning came from my nature. I’m the crossbreed of a wolf anthromorph and a fox anthromorph. Like all crossbreeds, I have the ability to change between any of my component forms. Therefore, I can be a wolf anthromorph, a fox anthromorph, full wolf, full fox or my personal favorite, full human. I guess Sparrow thought some of it rubbed off on him.
At any rate, it was about noon when I arrived. Normally I would expect to see people eating their lunches out in the sunshine, taking a break from whatever jobs they had. This time, there were many folk crowded around a news board between the inn and the dry goods store. I hitched my horse to one of those things you hitch horses to and went over to see what all the fuss was about. Since Coalescent Island is a place where fantasy meets reality and Frontier Village is a popular stop on one of the main highways, there were naturally all sorts of interesting characters gathered. Among the assorted humans was a raccoon anthromorph from the forests to the north, two merfolks who didn’t look too happy being away from the water, and a bear from the wastelands that didn’t smell too good.
I inched my way closer, but that damn bear kept blocking my view. “Hey,” I said to a man coming out of the cluster. “Who lit the fire?”
“What, this?” The man pointed behind him. “It’s the announcement of a contest from the Hundred Hives-Galypse Corporation.”
“HHG?” I asked. “There’s a name you don’t expect to hear out here on the frontier.”
The man nodded. “Like I said, this is a contest. Probably the biggest giveaway they’ve ever had.”
“Is this like that one where the annoying guy in the funny suit comes to your door with a big 10,000 GC bill?” The man shook his head. “No, it’s a treasure hunt.” My interest perked up. “Well. This could be my kind of contest.”
“You a treasure hunter?”
“No, but I’ve had a knack for finding lost things for as long as I can remember. I’ll treasure hunt occasionally if I need quick money. What exactly do you have to do?”
The man looked back at the board. “It’s a search for the Coalescent Crescent.”
“The Coalescent Crescent?” I asked.
“That’s what I said,” the man replied. “Tareth Galypse is offering one hundred D-cups of GC.”
“D-cups?” I asked.
“Really large chests,” the man answered.
“This keeps getting more interesting,” I said, “though I wonder what Tareth Galypse wants with the Coalescent Crescent. I didn’t even know it existed, except as a legend.”
“I guess Galypse has convinced himself of its existence,” the man said. “You think you can find it?”
“Of course,” I answered confidently. “Where do I sign up?”
“At the company headquarters in Big City,” he said. “You staying in town for the night?”
“Probably.”
“Name’s Marty. That’s my inn over there.” He pointed to the building to the right. “Come by later and I’ll cut you a good deal on a room.”
“Thanks,” I said.
“Don’t mention it.”
I walked back to my horse, thinking. I didn’t have enough money for carriage fare to Big City, so I needed to find some fast. The logical thing to do would be to find a gambling establishment, but should luck turn against me I would be in the hole even further.
I didn’t have much cash on my either. Just a few GC in my pockets, which would pay for my room for the night and a few incidentals. I headed across town to the bank to get some more money from my account. I figured that I might be able to bargain my way to a lower price.
I was about to enter the bank when the door suddenly busted open. A shepherd wearing a bandanna over his face ran out and collided with me. The force of the blow caught me by surprise and sent me to the floor. He ran right over me, all the while shooting back at the bank with his gimmicked crook. I barely managed to roll aside before a flock of sheep came barging past me, each with money sacks strapped to their backs. They followed the shepherd down the road.
“Help!” a teller cried, running out the door and stepping on my hand. “We’ve been robbed! Call the sheriff! Tell him they cleaned us out!” He left the bank and ran down the street.
“Just great,” I muttered, getting to my feet. “I guess it’s gambling then.”
I didn’t have too much luck with the crapshoot or the slot machines, so the only option I had left was to put it all on the line in a game of poker. I had never really been that great at poker either, but I’ve found a being will do some of the dumbest things you can think of when they’re not thinking straight. I hadn’t originally planned to trust my luck to a dead man’s hand or a royal flush, you see, but I had just walked into Marty’s Inn when I saw her. She sat at a table with two other fellows, and was dealing as my gaze passed over her. She was young, tall and blonde. I figured this would be the perfect crime. It’s one thing to con a woman out of her money, but being a blonde at a poker table is like trying to take a shit and getting it all over the stall. A real crappy situation.
I watched as she bet a substantial amount and ended up losing to a pair of eights. I sauntered over and smiled at her. She smiled back, and I could tell she thought I was hot stuff.
“You have room for one more?” I asked.
“That depends on your hands-on skills,” she said. “Can you shuffle and deal?”
“Ma’am, you have no need to worry about my hands-on skills,” I said, winking at her. “Not only can I shuffle and deal, I can twirl a pistol, throw a knife and swing a blade. As far as the ladies go, well…”
“All right stranger, why don’t you sit down and join us?”
I sat down next to her and she dealt me in to the next hand. “I’m Calamite Rubian, but most call me Cala. These two gentlemen here are Jay and Nathan.”
The two gents nodded at me before turning back to their cards. “I’m Ravene Wolvenfoxe,” I told her. “My friends call me Rav.”
“You don’t look much like a raven, a wolf or a fox, Mr. Rav,” she said.
“My name has a silent E on the end,” I explained. “You wouldn’t know it from looking at me, but I boast the ability to be a wolf or a fox… literally and figuratively.”
I took a look at my cards. Eight of spades, ten of spades, jack of spades, eight of diamonds, two of clubs. I decided to go for the flush and threw down my eight of diamonds and two of clubs. Cala dealt me two more cards; they turned out to be a queen of spades and a three of spades. I smiled to myself. Just like taking candy from a moron.
The stakes were raised to a modest amount, and called by Jay. I threw down my flush, easily beating the other hands on the table, including Cala’s three jacks. I collected my money, knowing that I would be on my way to Big City by sundown.
The next few hands went just as smoothly as I was raking in the GC. On the fifth or sixth hand, the pot grew fairly large, and didn’t expect to slam down a full house to lose to Cala’s four queens. I stared as she raked in her money in disbelief.
“Wait… what?”
Cala smiled impishly. “Sorry, foxy boy. You lose.”
Something began to dawn on me. “What are you, some kind of hustler?”
“Damn right, Mr. Rav, and if you don’t think you can beat me, you might as well take what you have and leave the table.”
“Who said I couldn’t beat you?” I asked. “I’m one of the best poker players you’ll ever meet, and there is no way I’m losing to a woman, let alone a blonde!”
“Well, since you’ve thrown down the gauntlet, why don’t you deal?”
“Fine, I will.”
I dealt the next hand, watching Jay and Nathan intently. I wondered if they were in on it, or merely supporting characters to my and Cala’s leading roles. They didn’t seem to have much of a problem with it, so I continued.
Cala beat me in the next three hands, just barely keeping ahead of me. Especially frustrating was getting a full house to lose to her full house, aces high. I wondered if I’d be best to fold them when he walked in.
Sparrow Anthrofoxe himself wandered in, flanked as usual by Kanys. Our eyes met and we glared at each other. He slowly walked over and sat down between Jay and Nathan.
“Deal me in,” he said.
“My, aren’t we brash?” Cala said. “Do you think you can just join the game without the permission of the other players?”
“It’s fine, Cala,” I said. “Let him play if he wants to. I’ll do all the winning.”
Sparrow threw a sack full of GC onto the table and Cala dealt him the appropriate amount of chips. He arranged them in front of him as Cala dealt the cards. I smelled something fishy, but saw that Nathan had ordered the salmon. Still, something was amiss. Why was Sparrow looking for me after all this time, and why did Cala seem particularly upset that he joined the game?
We anted up and looked at our cards. I had a pair of eights and nothing else of note. We made our bets and I traded in my three dud cards. I got back another eight and two threes. That made me happier, as I gladly laid a good fifth of my earnings.
Sparrow took the hand with four of a kind. He collected the money and gave me a little smirk while Kanys watched on from over his shoulder. This definitely did not look good.
We played on into the night, with Jay going broke first, and Nathan shortly thereafter, leaving us three. Cala upped her game, as did I, finally forcing Sparrow to fold them for the night.
“Well, seems as if I’m outmatched,” he said, standing.
“Damn right,” I said, also standing. If he wanted a fight, he’d get it. Sparrow looked around at the spectators who had gathered to watch the game.
“It’s been awhile, Rav,” he finally said. “We should see each other more often.” He gestured to Sparrow and they left the inn.
I sighed and looked at my chips. I may have forced Sparrow out, but it took a toll on my earnings. I was about back to where I had left off when I came in.
Cala dealt the next hand and I eventually ended up with three of a kind. I bluffed my way up until I was down to about thirty GC. When we showed our hands, Cala revealed an ace of hearts, three of hearts, five of hearts, six of hearts and king of hearts. A flush.
I gave her a smile. “I have to hand it to you. It’s a rare thing to beat me at five card draw.” I slid my chips over to her so I could cash out. “You’ve earned this game, Cala.”
Cala smiled and handed me my GC. “Thank you, Rav. I’ll tell you what: you gave me such a tough game, and you’re so damn cute, let me buy you a drink.”
I grinned. “Are you asking me on a date, Ms. Rubian?”
She smiled back. “Why yes, I suppose I am.”
We sat at the bar for awhile, having a few drinks and shooting the breeze. “So who was that man who so rudely shoved his way into our game? He seemed to know you.”
I nodded, stirring my martini with a straw. “He’s my half-brother, and no man. He’s a fox anthromorph, kind of like I really am, but he can’t change form.”
“Then how does he…”
“Unfortunate accident.”
I told her about my strange heritage, but when she asked where I was going from here, I told her, “Top secret mission.”
“Oh?” she asked. “You sure seemed to be in for some quick money in that game. I’d reckon you’re running from something.” When I didn’t say anything, she said, “Well, that’s about it for me.” She got up from the barstool.
“Already?” I asked. She leaned into me until her mouth was next to my ear. “I have a room upstairs if you would care to join me.”
I looked at her mischievous smile for a moment. I then gulped down the rest of my martini and got up. She paid the bartender and she grabbed my hand and led me up the stairs.
This was perfect. If I couldn’t outplay her, I’d just seduce her and take the money I needed while she slept. I hated to do such a thing to Cala; she seemed like the kind of girl I wouldn’t mind having as a partner, if I was the type of being to take on a partner.
We walked down the hall and she hastily unlocked the door to her room. She threw the door open and we entered. I sat down on the bed. “You know, this is a real comfy bed. It’s just right to…”
I didn’t get a chance to finish that thought before Cala was all over me. She almost tackled me, forcing me to a horizontal position. Our lips met, and she pulled me closer, tugging at my shirt. She not only was going fast, but it didn’t look like she was going to give me a chance to catch up. I didn’t like this one bit. I was used to being dominant in bed. She already took my money, and I wasn’t about to let her take my manhood.
She finally released me from her kiss and climbed on top of me. “I’d take you right now, but I’ve got a little something in the bathroom that I could put on that I know will blow you away.” She kissed me quickly and threw her money pouch on the bedside table. She then got up, and went into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her.
I had to get away. I didn’t like the dominant females. They usually wanted something more than a one-night stand, and I wasn’t about to change my style for anybody. I reached over and carefully took the money pouch from the table. I opened it and reached in.
As I did, the door to the bathroom burst open. I looked up to see Cala aiming a loaded pistol straight at my forehead. The lustful look in her eyes was gone, instead replaced by a look of triumph.
“Well, foxy boy, just what do you think you’re doing?” Her voice had lost all of its sweetness.
“I was just… I… was just going to…” I stammered.
“Is that what you do, Mr. Rav? You seduce a girl and then take her money, is that it?”
“I… I… only in emergencies!” I blurted out.
“Remove your hand from that pouch and slowly place it on the table.” She cocked the pistol.
I did as she said and put my hands in the air. “Listen, Cala…” I began.
“Here’s the deal, Rav,” she said coldly. “You want to find the Coalescent Crescent. You’re taking me with you, or I’ll hand you over to the authorities.”
“But… I’m not going to find it for myself… it’s for a contest…”
“Take it or leave it. It will be hard to find anything when you’re worthless carcass is rotting in a jail cell.”
“All right,” I said. “You can come with me.” This was about the last thing I needed.
She lowered the pistol and I sighed with relief. “Thank you so much for inviting me,” she said, her voice getting back its previous sweetness. “You can put your hands down now.”
Indeed, my hands were still in the air and I lowered them. “How did you know?” I asked her.
“Word’s out that treasure hunter Ravene Wolvenfoxe decided to enter the contest and was looking for some money to get to Big City. I was just in the right place at the right time and took the opportunity, though Sparrow complicated my plan a bit.”
She sat down on the bed next to me. “I can’t believe you fell for it.”
It was true. I had been had. I decided to make the best of it. “I think we should leave first thing in the morning. Do you want to go by carriage, or…”
She took my hand and led me to the door, where she opened it and shoved me into the hallway. “First things first. You go pay for your own room.”
“What? Don’t I even get laid?”
I was answered by a door slamming in my face. Oh well. It looked like I was in Cala’s hands for the time being.
I did get a room eventually, which pretty much put me broke. Cala was one shrewd lady. I was now even more dependent on her financial support. When I was dressed and ready to go, Cala came knocking at my door. She was quite stunning in her blue dress, complete with an umbrella fitting the frontier fashion.
“Are we ready, Mr. Rav?” she asked sweetly.
I glared at her. “Yes, ‘we’ are.” I shouldered past her and out the door.
Cala had ordered a carriage, which now awaited us at the edge of town. The middle-aged driver tipped his hat to her. “Ma’am,” he greeted her. “Good day to you, sir,” he said to me.
“Hey,” I said. I stepped up to get on, but he stopped me.
“Sorry, but room’ll be a little tight. There’s one more fellow that paid his way to Big City, and he should be arriving shortly.”
“That’s fine,” I said. “I like it tight.” I slapped him on the shoulder.
“That’s disgusting,” Cala remarked.
“You seemed to want it that way last night, Ms. Rubian,” I said. I laughed at her offended expression.
“How dare you talk to a lady that way?” a voice said.
I looked over the driver’s shoulder to see a wolf anthromorph looking at me. He was dressed in gentlemanly clothes and had a sober expression on his face. A wolf was another thing I didn’t need. I was part wolf myself, but my fox and human parts usually overrode it. This wasn’t good.
“Finally, a gentleman,” Cala said, holding out her hand. The wolf took it in his and shook her hand. “I’m Cala, and this rude creature is Ravene.”
“The name’s Krow,” the wolf said. “I’m pleased to meet you, Cala.”
He gave me a glare, and I gave him one right back. I was starting to dread this trip. Krow helped Cala into the carriage and then entered himself. I grudgingly got in behind them and the driver shut the door.
“So where are you two off to?” Krow asked.
“Big City,” I said. “I hear that’s where you’re going too.”
Krow nodded. “It’s the next place I stop. Now what was all that about back there?”
“Oh, Rav’s just mad that I don’t put out like the kind of women he’s used to,” Cala said. “Don’t pay any attention to him.”
“Oh, shut up,” I told her. “You’re giving me a headache.”
“Listen here,” Krow said to me. “I don’t want to hear you take that tone again with the lady present.”
“What are you going to do about it?” I asked. “Attack me like some savage werewolf?”
Krow’s tone took a dangerous tint to it. “Don’t you ever compare me to a werewolf, or I will take you down faster than an ostrich down a sinkhole!”
“An ostrich down a sinkhole?” I asked. “How did you come up with that one? Is that a wolf expression?”
“You’ve got a big mouth, boy,” Krow said.
“I am blessed with a verbose and witty dialect,” I responded. “Most seem to like it.”
After a couple of hours, the carriage was still going down the highway. Krow was taking a nap, while Cala was filing her nails. I was bored. If we would just reach Big City, I could get away from the wolf, ditch Cala and be on my way to winning that contest.
No sooner did I finish that thought when the carriage came to an abrupt stop. Krow suddenly woke up and gripped the armrest to keep from flying forward. Cala was flung from her seat and flew into me, smashing the back of my head against the wall.
“Hey, what’s the big idea?” I asked.
“The carriage stopped,” Krow said. He opened the door and got out. Cala climbed over me to reach the door and followed him.
“Hey, hey, watch it,” I told her. She paid me no heed and disappeared from view.
I jumped out the door and followed them around to the front. The driver was slumped over in his seat, bleeding from the chest. Cala gasped. “What’s going on? Is he hurt bad?”
I jumped up onto his seat and felt his wrist for a pulse. “Nope, he’s dead,” I told her.
Cala gasped again as a gunshot rang through the canyon. We all looked up the highway to see a shepherd pointing a crook at us. Behind him was a flock of sheep.
“It’s that guy that robbed the bank yesterday,” I said.
“What bank?” Krow asked.
“If you want to live, you’ll hand over all your money,” the shepherd said.
Perfect. I saw an opportunity here. “Sorry pal, but thanks to Ms. Rubian here, I’m broke. I suggest you take this up with her.”
Cala opened her mouth and glared at me. “You… you…” she said angrily.
“Dishonorable half-breed,” Krow said. “Have you no guts?”
“Nope,” I said cheerfully. “Nice knowing you two. Take care now.” I started to walk away.
“Wait a minute,” the shepherd said, pointing his crook at me. “How do I know you’re telling the truth?”
“Look, I don’t have time to screw around with you. I have an appointment to keep in Big City. Anyway, it wouldn’t be wise to point that thing at us. There’s three people here, and all you have is a bunch of sheep.”
The shepherd smirked. “You think so?” The plates on the sheep’s back opened up, revealing two nasty looking missiles on each side. The shepherd grinned as the sheep went “bah.”
“Krow, I think we’re in trouble,” I said.
“It would seem that way,” he admitted. “We have to do something. What are you going to do?”
“Me? I thought you said ‘we.’”
“For the love of God, show some pride. Don’t let this guy walk all over us and take our money.”
I sighed and turned toward the shepherd. “I think you better just let us pass, friend.”
“And why would I do that?” the shepherd asked.
“Because sheep don’t like wolves,” I said and transformed. I became my full wolf form and ran at the sheep while growling as loud as I could. The sheep spooked just like I expected them to and they started running in all directions. Unfortunately, they also released their missiles, which also went in all directions. Cala screamed and dove out of the way as one hit the carriage and exploded, flinging bits of wood everywhere and forcing the horses to run off. Krow just barely dodged another one that ricocheted off the canyon wall and hit a tree. I dodged about three at once, but the shepherd wasn’t done.
He tapped his crook on the ground and the sheep stopped in their tracks. I also stopped. Something wasn’t right. The sheep started to hop on top of each other, and for the first time I saw that they were actually mechanical sheep. They finally finished their formation, and had become some kind of giant sheep. The shepherd climbed into a chair near the top and the thing stalked toward us.
I changed back into human form and expressed my wolfish emotions. “Holy shit!”
As I started to back away, the giant sheep turned around and squatted. Out of its rear end flew three very large and painful-looking missiles. Krow, Cala and I dove behind a boulder just as the thing blew up right where we had been standing.
“Great plan,” Krow told me condescendingly. “Those are Crud Missiles.”
“I can’t believe I’m going to be done in by a giant fur coat’s ass,” Cala dismayed.
“Come on,” I said. “We’re not dead yet.” As if in response, another missile blew up the boulder we were hiding behind, sending us flying into the wall of the ravine. “Okay, so we’re dead,” I admitted, shaking dust out of my hair.
“I think there may be one way to beat this thing,” Krow said.
“Trust me, Krow, if I can’t beat this thing, no one can.”
“Will you shut up?” Cala told me. “I’m open to just about anything at this point.”
“See that ladder?” Krow pointed. Near the legs there was a ladder hanging down that led right up to the sheep’s ass. “If we plug his ass with a big rock, the next missile that comes out… well, Ravene, it’ll be tough, but I’m sure you can do it.”
“Wait a minute,” I said. “I’m not getting that close to a giant sheep’s ass!”
Just then, another missile exploded in front of us, flinging Krow into the mud on the side of the ravine and hanging Cala from a tree branch by her dress.
“Good God that thing has bad aim,” I said.
“Mr. Rav,” Cala called. “It’s all up to you now.”
“Man, I hate responsibility,” I muttered. I ran over and grabbed the largest rock I could find and lift. I carried it over to the sheep, who had some uncouth noises emanating from his end, most likely trying to shit out another missile. I climbed the ladder hanging from his underside while holding the rock under one arm. When I reached the top, I took one whiff and almost dropped it.
“I hope you don’t suddenly decide to use an ass for its proper use,” I said before sticking the rock in. It made a large squishy sound, but seemed to do the trick. The farting stopped, but the sudden intake of the rock pulled my entire upper body into the sheep’s backside. I don't think I need to describe to you the vulgarity of the situation. Though no one else I know has ever been in another animal's ass, it's not something I care to tell. I struggled to breathe for a moment, not really wanting to. Then I heard the start of the missile launching. Just as it started to move, it hit the rock and exploded.
The impact threw me out of the sheep and into a muddy puddle about thirty feet away. As I watched, the sheep’s ass exploded, and then the rest of it caught on fire. First the legs, then the torso and then the head all exploded, sending burning wool flying everywhere. The metal chair where the shepherd had been sitting was charred to a crisp, along with the shepherd.
Cala finally managed to break free of the branch and fell into the mud. She sloshed over to me, smiling. “Rav, you were wonderful!” she cried. She leaned down and actually kissed me on the forehead. “Though a trifle muddy.”
“Everything brown on me is not mud,” I said.
She gave me a look of shock and then started coughing up a storm, trying to spit out all the stuff she had gleaned from my forehead.
Krow was also loose. “I have to admit, I thought you were done for when that sheep sucked you in,” he said. “You have my gratitude.”
“Gee, that means so much to me,” I said sarcastically.
Krow’s face grew solemn again. “Boy, when someone gives you their gratitude, you accept it gracefully, understand? I ought to whoop you right here.”
“Hey, when you dodge three Crud Missiles, stick a rock in a giant sheep’s butt, get sucked into said butt, and then get your eardrums blown out and your clothes covered in mud and God knows what else, then you can hang with me, Wolfy.”
“That’s it, I’m going to tear you up like a tissue at a snot party,” Krow said, raising his voice.
“Tissue at a snot party?” I asked. “What’s with these wolf expressions of yours?”
“Gentlemen, we’ve still got a ways to go before we get to Big City.” Cala seemed to have recovered from her previous disgust. “I suggest we be on our way.”
“How?” I asked. “Our carriage has been blown up!”
“We walk, of course.” She extended her arm to Krow, who took it. They started to march down the road.
“A little exercise will do you good, you lazy half-breed,” Krow called back to me.
I sighed. This was going to be an interesting trip.