Robb Debenport
Good Will Hunting
I believe I have been searching since the day I was born. I believe two people are born around the same time, but different circumstances takes them on different paths, maybe one was in Utah, and one in New York. One went to college, one didn't. But their paths keep moving. And through the years, always knowing that something was missing, always hoping, always waiting. Then, one day, the paths finally cross; you know how it works, because you believe it. Everything is said with the soul through the eyes, and you just know, you've known forever. And I am so sick of asking "is she the one?” knowing they are always not, because they don't fit my hand like a glove, they don't make me not able to breathe, they don't make me say, oh my god. I believe in wishing upon a star.
"Love's location exists in one's mind" yet I question the way women tend to show their love. I love the figure of a woman, I think women have such beautiful bodies. It is comforting to be with a woman when I go at a local entertainment in NYC. I think women fail to realize that we like then just as much as they do us. I love the body of a woman, and sometime I just want a woman to look at. Love is not something that just walks in the door. Nor is it something you just find. If friendships more than 10 years still have its surprises, then who is to say what love shall do within a few days. Love can happen, and die. Just as the life of a child growing into an older person. Life is very hard to figure out, even like a "jigsaw puzzle". But I don't think we are here to figure out what life brings into existence. We are kind of here doing some kind of self-awareness thing. Like a character in my film at old age still afraid his subconscious. And in reality people tend to be provoked by their own selves more so than others.
The reason I pick and attract the women that I do is that deep down I don’t deserve a person to be happy with. I must be inadequate in some way. I am ready to deal with my demons. The place to start is where it all began. I am close to my family. I guess you learn love first at home. That is where it all begins. Families establish the rules of what is normal in someone who loves you. I learn most of my rules from my mother. My dad was usually never home. My mother basically raises my sister and me. She use the withdraw of love as most parent do to control our behavior. She was not perfect, she did her best. I guess she loved me so much that she wanted me to be perfect. When she saw something wrong within me, she would tell me in the form of criticism. Her line was, “ Only people who love you will tell you the truth about you.” What she forgot was there is also positive side to the truth. She wanted what was best for me. To be perfect, but I can never be perfect. I sometimes forget it was out of love she did what she did.
Eventually the criticize reach a point that all she ever did was tell me the things that I lack, the things that I need to fix about myself. Always telling me what I should do. In one hand, she would tell me she loves me, cares for me. In the other hand she would tell me what was wrong with me. I understood that my mom way of showing love was by cooking, cleaning, making us clothes etc. I know now that my mum loved me the only way she knew how. Yes it hurts, but it is that I love her that counts. I looked to her for approval or validation and yet got none, just the negative. It is different now; my relationship with my mother is so much more balance. Our parents do want us to be perfect in every way, not to have to live the way they did and live a better life than they did. I guess if life were easier we would take it for granted. My dad was the head of the household. He was making the decision. A self-made man. Where my mother see the negative, my dad would see the positive. He would tell those things that were right about me. The only problem was I rarely saw him. Where my mom save money, my dad spend money like water. Where my dad is stubborn, my mom is easily influenced. They balance each other out. I know they love each other every much. Their personalities are opposite, but their core values are the same. They would argue like most married couple do, but they were also committed to each other no matter what. Opposites do attract in relationships.
Sometimes I think I need someone. I did not say want, but need someone to start really living my life. If only I had someone to love me the way I want her to love me than all my problems would be solved. She would be there just in case if I fail. It is not like I don't have enough confidence in myself. I do. It is about know that someone is behind you and if you fall back she will catch you. To know that you are not alone. That feeling that she is behind you allowing you to believe in yourself so much more. She would be my tower of strength. I would be fearless of life. I had someone in my corner, someone who loved me. Someone who will love me evens if I wasn't a doctor and decides to be a writer. My dreams are important to her, as her dreams are important to me. We would help each other out to make both of our dreams come true. If I failed she would still love me.
We have all know loneliness, a dark emptiness within our souls, which seems to stretch for an eternity. We feel as if we are a part of nothing, drifting aimlessly upon the sea of humanity with no destination in sight. At times, despair is like our wet clothing. We shiver, cold and alone, in the darkness. To distract ourselves, we dream of "The One" and how he or she will lift our spirits and fill the emptiness we feel. For some, eventually someone comes along and brings light to the darkness. As humans, we are sometimes so starved to be touched that we unwittingly make compromises which, at a more a more rational time, we might not make. The saying "blinded by love" might describe the condition in which we take a giant leap in the void. As a result of compromises, we may not find our many of us are not in a "soulmate" relationship. The truth is we got tired of waiting and we settled for the best "offer" at the time. It was our choice at the time. It is now our karma. In truth we know that what we want to experience with a soulmate goes beyond love. It is a form of joining.
As I said before, I am more bonded with my mom all my life. I try to want someone who is the opposite of my mom—more accepting, less controlling, a person who build me up. Most women are like that in the beginning, but with time they come like my mother. As I look at my family dynamic, I can just imagine the people I have met and will met and their family dynamic mixing with mine. Their rules of love and my rules of love melding together. The power struggles begins because each person think their rules are right and not willing to accept the other person’s own rules. I have always wanted my mother approvals and acceptances and now grown up I gravitate toward women whose behavior I know and familiar with to try and finally find home that I did not get before. I try to be the opposite of what I mother is because somewhere along the way in my childhood I just knew that her way was not love. Love is not about telling the person what is wrong or lacking in them. Love is not trying to tell person what to do. Love is not trying to control the other person, Love is not making promise and not keeping them, Love is not thinking that the other person doesn’t know what is best for them. But I also took those things I thought were love also from my mother—love is touching and feeling, love is giving of your time and do small things, Love is trust. So these were my rules also. I have always felt like the odd one out. The kid that people would pick on and make fun of. Maybe it was because I wasn't like everyone else. I tried so hard to be ordinary and at home I tried to be extraordinary so that my mom and dad would give me some attention. But whatever the case, it caused me to become very sensitive to someone not loving me and leaving me. For a long, long, long time, I did not like myself at all. If I did not love myself, who can? Sometimes I even felt I must a bad person and no one could possibly love me. I never felt accepted by my teachers or my peers. They tried for many years to brainwash me into thinking there was something wrong me. I never felt complete or worthy. And most of the time I did feel there was something wrong with me—why else could no one love me? I have spent my entire life making a desperate effort to win affection. I believe it is my motivation to give and receive kindness, which has made me have empathy for others. I know how it feels to be unloved.
In my adult life, I have tried to make all my partners feel less lonely and never to feel unloved. When I am alone, I sink myself into sadness. I seem to always be asking myself, “why me?” “Why do I feel so defective?” I try to see some reason, some pattern, some escape from feeling the way I do. Often I find solace with books, philosophy, sex and writing. People, books try to tell you that you should love yourself. How many people really do? I love myself now more than I did before. But, no matter how much you love yourself, you still need the acceptance of other people. To be denied this acceptance is to deny yourself happiness. I do need love. I am not ashamed of this. We live in a society that breeds self-reliance. We are not supposed to need anyone. However, “needing” someone was the starting point of my search. For love, I found, is the only way to heal yourself and to love your “self” more.
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1- To be in top physcial shape
2- To find my soulmate and get married
3- To have children
4- To wirte a book
5-To buy a house
6-To start my own business
7-To not worry about money anymore