Sky diving always looked like fun to me, so one day I decided to give it a spin. When it was my turn to jump out of the plane, I told the guy standing by the door that I wasn’t going to be like everybody else and take the sissy way out by using a parachute. The guy insisted that I take the parachute, but I just pushed him out of my way and told him I didn’t need one because I could fly. I learned a very important lessen that day; I can’t fly.
My left foot was considerably jealous of my right foot. Not only because it had a name, also because it was on the right side. The left foot would stand there and stare at Sally as its hatred grew stronger. It was jealous of how the hands would always untie Sally’s shoe first. And it was jealous of how Sally’s toenails were always nice and neatly trimmed, while its own toenails were more coarse and jagged. It even hated how Sally was always referred to as “him” or “he”, while the left foot was always called “it”. It always had desirers of stomping on Sally, and then one day it decided to do just that. But instead it tripped poor Sally and off fell his shoe as he tumbled to the ground. The left foot laughed to see such a display. But my left foot hadn’t put much thought into its own action. Since they were both connected, one foot had to go with the other. And down it went right on top of old Sally. I just laid there and thought of how silly this all was. Weeks later I had my left foot chopped off, and replaced with a wooden one; simply because, wooden ones can’t think.
I hate it when people call me on the phone and ask for some guy named Bob. I’m like, “There’s nobody here named Bob, so why are you calling me!!” And they’re all like, “Whoa man, there‘s no need to get your panties all in a bunch, I just dialed the wrong number“, and then I’m like, “what are you stupid“, and they are like, “Who are you calling stupid“, and I’m like, “Oh I think I’m calling you stupid“, and they’re like, “Oh are you now”, and I’m like “Ya, what are you gonna do about it“, and they’re like, “I’m going to kick your ass“, and I’m like, ”That’s funny, you don’t even know where I live“, and then he pauses for a second and then slams down the phone. And then my roommate Bob comes in and asks who was on the phone, and I’m like oh it was just Jerry again, and we all have a good laugh.
One time I decided to play a trick on my cousin Ted, and tied a plastic beg over his head. Well, he got me back by dieing and getting me sent to federal prison. That old Teddy boy, he always had to have the last laugh.
This one time at work, I just so happened to be hammering in the top of this window on this house, when suddenly this fly began buzzing around annoying me by trying to have a conversation. I was like, I don’t want to talk to you; you’re a freakin fly!
I hate it when I call my girlfriend up and she acts like it’s not her. She’s all like, “I’m not Beatrice so stop calling me. You have the wrong number.” And I’m like, “I know it’s you Beatrice, so please just come back to me. I’m so sorry; I don’t know what I did to make you stop loving me. Just please come back to me. Please.” And she’s like, “Look buster, if you don’t quick calling here, I’m going to call the cops.”, and then I’m like, “No sweetie, don’t do that. Please I love you so much, I can’t go on without you.” And then she blows a whistle into the receiver and slams down the phone. Damnit Beatrice, why won’t you come back to me, why? I need you, I miss you so….what a second, what am I talking about? I don’t even know anybody named Beatrice.
I’ve always wander why dogs can’t fly. So one day I asked my neighbor’s dog why dogs can’t fly. He just kind of looked at me, then lunged for me and bit me in the crotch. I still to this day can’t figure out what he was trying to tell me. I guess I’ll never know why dogs can’t fly.
I was married once, but then she started acting weird. I was just sitting in our living room one morning, and when she finally got out of bed and found me there, she wasn’t very pleased. She started this high pitched screaming, and asking me who I was. I stood up and tried to calm her down but she ran to the phone and called the police. They soon arrived, and to my surprise, arrested me. They asked me why I was doing in little Ms. Cook’s living room. I tried to explain that I lived there, and that she was my wife. But they locked me up, and made me go to this shrink. I don’t know what I ever did to her; she’s probably out with that Jimmy Bean’s guy. But I’ll get her back someday. I’ll show little Ms. Rachel Leigh Cook that she really loves me and no one else.