Truisms *If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. *A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. *Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. *For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. *He who hesitates is probably right. *Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. *No one is listening until you make a mistake. *Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. *The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. *The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. *The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. *To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. *To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. *Two wrongs are only the beginning. *You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. *The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. *A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. *If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. *Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things. *A fool and his money are soon partying. *Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. *Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade! *Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. *Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. *Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. *Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. *Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back. *Half the people you know are below average. *99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. *A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. *If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you! *Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. *Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! *If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? *Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? *What happens if you get scared half to death twice? *Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. *I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out. *I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. *Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. *How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? *Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? *Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! *For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. *OK, so what's the speed of dark? *Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! *Black holes are where God divided by zero. *All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand! ---------- Submitted by : Bob Cymbalski Nothing but Jokes by Nauman Faridi